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Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 76
Dating a woman who has been abused in the pastPage 4 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
I have only read a few of the replies to this post, but the ones I read were from women who have been there and done that, yet amazingly enough have moved on. The reason I think this is amazing is because absolutely every woman I have been involved with who was in an abusive relationship seemed determined that I would pay for her past. I could never understand how I became responsible for her poor judgment. I am pleased to learn that all women are not like that. I may never meet one, but at least I know they are out there.
 eyes 4 U
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 77
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 1:53:21 PM
not all woman who have been physically and mentally abused are damaged goods. From coming from a woman that is pretty sad. There are wonderful woman who are very strong and do not continue t be the victim, yet heal, grow and learn from past relationships. Everyday we are faced with a lesson whether it is from an abusive partner, friend, store clerk, or even as silly as stubbing your toe. It is just whether you can recognize these lessons and live a life free of attachment and be at peace with whatever challenges are tossed your way.
I was physically, mentally, and taken for a fool. I had never been in a situation like this before...but let me tell you they are good, men that is and i can see why women stay until sometimes it is too late. There are always warning signs and it is my own stupidity for staying that long. What women have to realize it does take time to heal. But there are wonderful men out there that love to treat woman with the ut most repect. You just need to release the past and not carry it with you. It is one thing to be wise, just dont look for it in a new relationship..what you focus on expands. Only you can create a lifetime of happiness, no man, no materialistic object....just you!!!
Woman are beautiful flowing goddesses!!! We just need to SHINE!!!
 eyes 4 U
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 78
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 1:59:05 PM
thank you !!! for agreeing with the harshness!!!
 eyes 4 U
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 79
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:15:29 PM
that is just it...i did not read all her posts. This girls is crying out for help and someone to talk is a love-hate relationship it sounds like...which is the simular case i was invloved in. This is probably the toughest challenge i have had to face. Yes you feel ashamed, lonely, and left wondering why? We should open ourselves up to her and with the past knowledge and experiences we have gone through will help guide her too a positive future filled with happiness instead of pure sadness.
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 80
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:23:27 PM
All I can that brandiw is STUPID!!! Your friend is not damaged...She just may need more love, support and understanding than you've had to give to others. But if you love her, she must be worth it...Don't become one of " those guys" that run...Show her and yourself that you are a TRUE man...
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 81
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:24:32 PM
I've been thinking about this a bit lately. I used to think that abused women never got a fair shot at relationships, because other men talked as though they had something wrong with them, and would automatically consider them only good enough for sex. So I'd give them more slack than a non-abused women. But over the years, I've noticed that the women who weren't abused were far more reasonable when it came to dating. The women who would happily date me and no-one else, and were keen, committed, and were intent on establishing a good friendship just as much as good romance and sex, were always the women who had suffered almost no abuse at all. Conversely, the women who had turned out to be abused were very flirtatious, but when it came to dating, I was fighting them just to get them on any sort of a date, and fighting them even to just have a platonic friendship. So I am beginning to wonder if the problem that might exist with abused women is not that other men discount them, but that they make it difficult to have a healthy relationship with them, at least with me.

I could easily be wrong. But that is where I am up to right now. Any insights on this would be greatly appreciated.
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 82
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 7:12:45 PM
I find that women who have healed, seem to see their negative experiences as a part of their past they'd rather forget. I find there is a line in their psyche that I am unwilling to cross, because they give me the impression they don't want me to explore that. I cannot do that with my own past, because that builds a wall around me, that I have spent most of my life tearing down, to become more in touch with myself and to get in touch with others. In order to stay sane, I had to remain open to my past and to stay open to it, but still in control of it. For me to get in touch with others, I need to be able to share my psyche with them and theirs with mine, and that means that they need to be open to discussing their past, even if we never do. Without that openness, my mind automatically starts to shut itself off from others in various ways, that leaves me feeling disconnected from them, to the extent that even physical intimacy makes me feel disembodied, as though someone else is involved with them.

I just don't connect with women who have shut off a part of their past, that is part and parcel of their sexual experiences.

It could be that I just don't connect well with others. Or it could be that I just have such a deep and intimate connection with nature, and with my friends, that if I don't connect to a woman just as deeply, it feels like I'm being small-changed, and I might as well just hang out with my friends.
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 83
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 8:04:16 PM
^^^ Good points. Mind you, I never see you as abused. You have the same mindset as my friends who haven't been abused, at least, that is how it appears to me from your posts.

Maybe you are right in that these women are not healed. However, then it does appear to me that the vast majority of women who have been abused have not healed, even after 20 years.

I don't think it is that they didn't want to share it with me then. When they did share such experiences with me, it was at the most inappropriate time in our acquaintances, and even then, they really just said it and closed down again. I was shell-shocked and needed to talk to them about it. They just shut me down. Completely closed my feelings down.

If someone has boundaries rather than walls, I wouldn't see them as abused, because everyone has boundaries: "It's not right to talk about that right now, because it might weird out some of the people present", rather than "We AREN'T going to discuss it".

Past abuse might lead to greater empathy and depth. All I know is that most of my friends have been through near-death experiences, whether it was multiple life-threatening operations as a child, or crossing the mountains over Iran at night, or something similar. How that relates to abuse I have no idea.

It does seem that we attract lots of things into our lives. I seem to attract trouble. So I'm in therapy until I can sort out how I can stop needing to attract it in the first place. Maybe once I figure that out, I won't have to worry about these issues at all, because I won't attract the type of women who are trouble, and whether they are abused or not will have no bearing on the relationship, except to deepen it.
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 84
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/17/2008 6:39:26 AM
I would just like to say that desert flower, you hit the nail on the head.

I was in an abusive relationship for a year 1/2 - my first and only - and didn't start dating until just recently - 2 1/2 years after that relationship ended. True, it took some time to heal from it, but this doesn't make me damaged goods, it makes me a survivor and stronger because I didn't continue in that relationship. Instead of giving me issues, it gave me a strength of character I never had before, a resolve to never accept anything I don't feel comfortable with. I am more assertive, and yet more compassionate than I ever have been. And I have been able to help other women thru my experiences. If that's baggage than so be it. Any struggle we overcome is a blessing - if you're able to heal from it. I am a better person, a better mom, a better friend because of what I went through.

As far as abused women having no self esteem - I had self esteem when I met him, lost it while I was with him, and have never been happier, or have had more self confidence than I do now. Women do not ask to be abused - they are not deserving of it, just like a victim of rape isn't. This underlying assumption is really disturbing.
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 85
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Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/25/2009 1:44:20 PM
A Passion for Understanding matched by a pasison for self-healing, makes for a interesting relationship
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 86
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 5/11/2010 12:25:43 PM
Hummm Touchy subject!!!
However if a person has had an abusive relationship in the past it is up to them to deal with it.
Getting into a new relationship expecting the new person in their life to deal with it is just wrong.
Check your baggage at the terminal and leave it there.
Trust me I have been there and its not fun.
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 87
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 5/11/2010 9:48:23 PM
I don't have much of a past with any of my issues. No real reason for me to go see a shrink. So my past is pretty much well good. However some of the women I have dated and have been married to have had all sorts of issues. And at some point if I have to run into another one of these and spend all night discussing all matters of craziness I might have to take a Louisville slugger to my own head. It would save me alot of time.

I am really sorry dates, or boyfriends, or husbands are not therapists. Nor are they even closely compensated as one. If it is really that bad go get help. Don't bother other people with your problems. My experience has been, eventually those women get super pissed if you offer any solution or ideas or opinioins about it.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 88
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 5/13/2010 4:42:13 AM
I won't lie even as a very strong woman; its emotionally damaging. Really unless you have gone through it; you haven't got a clue of what it does to a person. You never truly get over the abuse but you learn to deal with it and can live a normal life. It will truly take a special man to understand it; so if a guy doesn't then he isn't much of a man to start with.

I used to think that, since there is so much psychobabble that portrays victims of abuse that way. but I have a friend who was raped at gunpoint as a teen (and was a virgin when it happened). She told me that she decided that she could either get over it or let it affect her life, so she chose to get over it. She had no option for ``closure'' other than that. I don't think it's ever occured to her that she would need a ``special man'' to understand it nor has she ever worried about whether a man would understand it, but she has a very normal life. I think that is more in line with how other people deal with other trauma. Some people let the trauma affect them and some don't. What I learned from her is that I should expect someone to have dealt with those issues before she gets involved in a relationship.
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 89
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/29/2012 6:31:34 PM
may you send me a private message please..
I like your advice and maybe you could help me out..
I have a partner and she has had a bad past currently still getting out, i was one who helped her out of this she is not from canada, i showed her laws and what is acceptable andnot acceptable..
now she is attacking me sometimes with hurtfull words..
and she also is blaming me someitmes,, she is causing arugements..
I love her to death and have stood by her and helped her through things she even insisted for em to take a take cahrge spot now i have to stand back due it harming our relationship and the hardest parts seem to be over.. what should i do can i get some advice from you...
she went through two marriages
first one is a husband who verbally abused her and sexually abused her
the second husband verbally, emotionally, financially abused her..
i have4 taken a considerable amount of time out of work to help her out with this situation..

things were good in the beginnning then everything started up and she ahs gradually gotten worse thigns are coming up in her mind..
i do a comission job so my time off means no income and i jsut started back to work also so it really hurt my income level and now she is concerned for my income level to take care of all of us and now i am looking for other jobs as well now to substitute income till my career starts off to take care of me her and her children..
she knocks me down
argues and blames me for argueing
anythign i do that she doesnt like she gets upset now..
i know she is worried nott be with a man like befoer someimtes we argue..
i dont like it but i stand up for myself sometimes, i got crisis line and now i will give in sometimes more often and jstu let it be, she ahs even requested i become a yes man only anything she says or wants i am to jsut say yes , no matter what no arguments so i am going to do this as i now know this..
befoer i didnt and it has caused a big arguement now and she doubts me, but now ii know it is all thigns i am to say yes to i am going to say yes to them always now..
can you help me please..
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 90
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/29/2012 10:09:37 PM
^OP above me: study Karpman's drama triangle-you'll see how you shifted from rescuer to victim. Now she, oh damsel in distress' is pulling the resentment card on you. Do trust this is a game that goes round and round and nobody 'wins'-it's a base level drama.

Good news is: learn healthy boundaries, how NOT to be an enabler, and watch the dramas resolve without your help!! Once you understand this, you'll never go back. You'll pick partners who also loathe drama, and have a more evolved partnership!
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 91
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/5/2012 8:15:51 AM
It's a fools quest to pursue a woman who's emotionally damaged. I would have bailed at the first sign of it. No matter how much patience & or understanding is given they bail at the slightest bump in the relationship.

On a side note, I hate the term "abused". It's so over used nowadays. I've never met a woman that didn't claim to be abused in some way shape or form in a past relationship. I take it with a grain of salt. Too many liberally use the term to describe how they were made to feel, yet most equally partook in making others feel the same, which degrades the meaning.
 totally honest
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 92
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/6/2012 8:10:40 AM
Damaged by someone .Reminders of the same behaviors that they got .you get what you give so if you are an abusive sort you will get a reaction to they same as someone experianced be for because they donot want damage .They want to overcome it .
 totally honest
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 93
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/7/2012 4:19:49 PM
Most do not talk about details so freely .
 totally honest
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 94
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/7/2012 10:31:11 PM
The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering,known struggle and have found thier own way out of those depths.These people have an appreciation a sensitvity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion,gentleness and a deep concern for others. Beautiful people dont just happen . Elizabeth K Ros .
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 95
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/7/2012 11:04:40 PM
Damaged goods? What a mean-spirited, intolerant comment!

I believe people can grow and change. Working with a good therapist can increase our insight, wisdom and resilience. I've grown stronger because of the pain I've experienced. It inspired me to help others.
 totally honest
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 96
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/8/2012 9:24:05 AM
Dont enable dont rescue.Effective communication at all times .She does it because she is afraid .of herself to care about anyone .She has to look in the mirror .Step back .so she can do that .She is protecting herself .From herself . Mispaced anger .There is alot of guilt she doesnt want to be that way .Give her space .
Joined: 2/22/2013
Msg: 97
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/15/2013 5:21:58 PM
I have to agree with brandiw. I met someone on POF that had been in abusive relationships throughout her life including her childhood. I tried to show her how much of a wonderful person she was and how much she had to offer someone but it seemed that the more I tried to help her the more she resented me. She became very verbally abusive and was always putting me down saying I was like all the others....All I wanted to do was try to help her but it got to the point where I was questioning if I was the problem! I am a very caring person and never would want to give up on anyone I cared about but for my own sanity I knew leaving the relationship was the only option.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 98
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/15/2013 9:33:14 PM
chip4u-I don't know the numbers, but men get abused too. Having said that, women are far more likely to be abused than men.
It's obvious to me you have never been mistreated this way, because if you were you would understand.
I hesitate to compare a dog to a person, but I adopted a dog from the pound 10 years ago. He was a year old when I adopted him and his previous owner had abused him. Every time I touched him, he would flinch. Eventually, he trusted me, but it took years.
If it was that hard for me to get my dog to trust me, how long do you think it takes for a human being who's been treated like a dog to trust you?!
Just some perspective for you.
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 99
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/16/2013 11:12:25 AM
I'd try to stay clear of people in that kind of past situation, too much BS to deal with. They have alot of emotional problems, and tend to continue making poor decisions.
Joined: 3/13/2013
Msg: 100
Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/17/2013 3:10:54 AM
I have dated a couple women that were abused.. Emotionaly or otherwise.. I found it was impossible to reach them on an adult level and have them respond to being treated well.. They will often " friendzone" you and seek out a low life.. You have two choices.. Treat her like garbage and she will probably love you for it.. " And you will be unhappy" Or move on to someone healthy.. Sad but true..
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