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 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 426
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Women making the first move...Page 18 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
I have encountered men wayyy out of my league: they are more educated and have lead strictly privileged life. Some were kind and others loved to indulge in solisistic narratives that would make my eyes glaze in boredom. They pursued me; not the other way around. I realized they really didn't have room for somebody like me in their lives (nor did I have room for somebody like them in mine).

I didn't see this as rejection. I saw it as an opportunity to learn...about myself.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 427
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 5:52:06 AM

But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

Counselling of course. To do it yourself is pretty much an impossibility due to the fact this fear of rejection is a part of your personality which lies dormant until you become interested in someone. It's an irrational thought process similar to a phobia which kicks in when a person has to face their fears. You'll never get over it completely July because it is ingrained in your personality. You have to teach yourself ways to work around this fear so as to lessen it's impact on yourself.. I know I stated the obvious but it's the only thing that will work. July I imagine this fear goes into overdrive when you're really interested in someone. I'm curious, does this fear of rejection still make it's presence known during an actual meeting/date?
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 428
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Posted: 8/20/2018 6:02:36 AM

I don't know how to not take it personally
You do know that's a kind of egotism, don't you?
You take it not personally by realizing that the date isn't about you.
You take it not personally by preparing to have an engaging evening with a person, by doing what you have to do to make him feel comfortable (even if you don't like him). Recognize that you bring something to the date that simply isn't the expectation of sex. In fact, don't go on a dating moratorium - go on a sex on the first/second date moratorium.


I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't.

Then I doubt if you will be happy with someone else.
It is NOT their job to make you happy. You need to figure out what makes you happy and do it - because NO ONE ELSE WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
You need to be the person making yourself happy so you can share your happiness with people - i.e. the guys you date.


The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

You don't.
I'm pretty sure that guys don't either.
You simply act in spite of the fear. That goes for pretty much everything.
In fact, that kind of fear is what makes somethings (like dating) exciting because it's the fear of something new. Fear is what tells you to be prepared for possibilities. Fear is what teaches you.
Hopefully, going on a date will never give you a fear for your life (beware so-called red flags!).

ETA: You want to have sex with these guys on a first date because you think they won't like you enough for a 2nd or continuing date. They might not, but then you'll be having sex with men that don't like you. Is that what you want? Give up on the sex for a while because you want a man who will like you and enjoy your company OUTSIDE of sex.
 TomásIasan
Joined: 5/17/2018
Msg: 429
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Posted: 8/20/2018 6:09:48 AM
Dealing with rejection takes time, and establishing a better defence mechanism to handle it.

1. Realize you are feeling emotions know your allowed to feel them, and accept they will happen.
2. Know that you are pushing the limits of yourself when you ask people out, it's not about them it's how far you want to go to get that what you want in life. If you want a mate you have to try and ask the question and push yourself to do it over and over accepting each rejection as a part of life.
3. Drown out the critic in yourself for being foolish and stupid or whatever we can be our worst critics in life, so compliment yourself say positives instead.
4. It's not what defines you in life one person's opinion and rejection is nothing get 1k and comeback and talk about how hard it is and I don't mean on internet I mean real life. This it's nothing one person's opinion their entitled to it great good for them I doubt 7 billion people share that opinion let me go and see if I can't find a few to late already did.
5. Evaluate your rejection learn from yourself, what did you get from the interaction and learn from it.

No it's not impossible and if counselling was the answer call me a your counsellor cause what I just stated is what their going to tell you. I didn't even need to ask one.

I handle rejection rather well actually it doesn't bother me at all, neither does breaking ups. People spew a lot when they have no clue on people are capable of. This is the process again, you chose to try or don't the choice really is up too you, don't ask questions you have no intention on listening to the answer. Says the guy who is over any relationship with the slamming of the door, it never meant I didn't care or felt anything in the relationship it only meant I can deal with the loss and all those emotions in minutes not days, weeks, years almost instantly.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 430
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 9:42:22 AM
I know that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. However, things that I found fulfilling doing alone no longer fulfill me. I used to be really into tv but in the past year its lost its luster for me. I also used to be a bookworm but my genre of choice, historical romance, just leaves me wishing for real life romance. These days, aside from my kids, my interests are getting physically fit and playing soccer. But I yearn for a walking or biking buddy. And soccer was co-ed and spending time with athletic good-looking guys just made me want one. Everywhere I go I see happy couples and I really want that. And knowing my ex never had to be single a minute makes me a little ticked off, it just doesn't seem fair. I know two women with kids that become single around the same time as me and they are both in new relationships and I wonder to myself, why not me? And I spent so long in a loveless lonely relationship, I am tired of being lonely.

I managed to go a month without talking online with anyone but then last night the loneliness got to me again. There has been a guy I've been talking to for a couple months and seeing in person but he hasn't messaged me back in a few days and I worry I've gotten ghosted. 4 guys messaged me on pof but all 4 were just looking for sex. And I realized I'm not looking for sex, not really. Just looking for someone to talk to.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 431
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Posted: 8/20/2018 10:05:59 AM

I know that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. However, things that I found fulfilling doing alone no longer fulfill me. I used to be really into tv but in the past year its lost its luster for me. I also used to be a bookworm but my genre of choice, historical romance, just leaves me wishing for real life romance. These days, aside from my kids, my interests are getting physically fit and playing soccer. But I yearn for a walking or biking buddy. And soccer was co-ed and spending time with athletic good-looking guys just made me want one. Everywhere I go I see happy couples and I really want that. And knowing my ex never had to be single a minute makes me a little ticked off, it just doesn't seem fair. I know two women with kids that become single around the same time as me and they are both in new relationships and I wonder to myself, why not me? And I spent so long in a loveless lonely relationship, I am tired of being lonely.

I managed to go a month without talking online with anyone but then last night the loneliness got to me again. There has been a guy I've been talking to for a couple months and seeing in person but he hasn't messaged me back in a few days and I worry I've gotten ghosted. 4 guys messaged me on pof but all 4 were just looking for sex. And I realized I'm not looking for sex, not really. Just looking for someone to talk to.


I know the feeling. I used to go to a lot of yard sales, estate sales, flea markets, exhibitions and things like that with my ex and it feels boring and weird to do it alone. I do sometimes because I get bored, but it was our thing. I also want to be in good shape. I had an ex approach me about getting back together but I wasn't really feeling it because she gained 100 pounds and has no motivation to lose it or be healthy. She calls herself a fat chick and thinks it's all genetics. I feel bad for looking at her differently, but I'm pretty sure she would look at me differently if I gained 100 pounds and gave up on myself.

I've had more people that I can count ghost me on dating sites or social media, etc. I even had a girlfriend of four years ghost me. It's just par for the course these days. It kind of makes you feel like giving up when people treat you like sour cream and onion chips.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 432
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Posted: 8/20/2018 10:32:53 AM
*I had several photos up before.

It's nice to see your face beside your words. You have a very nice smile.

*I don't know how to not take it personally. I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't. The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

Are you quite sure that you are not happy alone? Being lonely for adult companionship is only one thing. You speak with great pride about other parts of your life. It may not be fear of rejection at all but rather fear of rocking a perfectly comfortable boat. Think of all of the concessions and compromises that you would have to make if you did pair up with someone. Maybe, deep down, you don't want to put yourself through all of that. Perhaps the fear that you experience isn't rejection. Maybe it is fear of change instead.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 433
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Posted: 8/20/2018 10:48:49 AM

Nope....not buying it!!
and yes....we do pick our partners....for what ever reason whether it be looks, personality, status or money....we pick who we want to date.

It's Not a "partner". Getting someone's # is not getting a Partner. Approaching someone isn't picking a Partner. Good god, that'd scare the hell out of 99.9% of people. You may or most likely may not become a life partner with someone just because you're attracted to someone and acted on your attraction by approaching them.

If you think in "Leagues"....then you are limiting yourself....

Ahhh, I would say the other way around (most of the time). All "league" means is a big difference in Looks. That's it. If there is no such thing as a big difference in looks -- guess what? No such thing as ugly or beautiful. I'll pick reality over trying to condition myself thru rose-colored glasses any day of the week. Why? Although rose-colored glasses can under certain circumstances for the emotionally weak be a Payoff, temporarily -- in the end, it limits everyone.

Sure....a good looking man will get me to turn my head....but his looks will not get him the date...

But if there's no such thing as Good vs Bad -- ie existence of leagues -- then either every man or no man would turn your head. :)

I don't know how to not take it personally. I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't. The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

Well, struggling not having a BF/GF, and fear of rejection are two different things. You should be happy being Single. I know you cannot enjoy the fruits of it compared to others when you're juggling kids and living at one's parent's place... but then again, those in such situations With a BF/GF many times don't have the best relationships either. Having a BF/GF shouldn't be a Universal requirement for self-fulfillment, for everyone. No more than, say, moving to Colorado or California.

When it comes to Rejection, us guys take most of the brunt of that. Basically, you start slow. Baby steps. Where you're not going to be rejected per se -- you're just going to face lack of interest, and you heed barking up that tree. First moves many times are under the radar -- just conversation. That one would do if they weren't single to someone else in the room. But in your own mind, you're reading it. Just conversation.

That's why many social butterflies end up getting into trouble by their BF/GF -- because it's easy without even trying, to have dating opportunities right there on your lap. You're just socializing. First moves don't equal coming across the room and tapping a guy on the shoulder and saying "Would you like to be my life partner?" :) In fact, no walking across the room required nor any bold moves.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 435
Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 11:46:56 AM

Msg 449:
I know two women with kids that become single around the same time as me and they are both in new relationships and I wonder to myself, why not me?


Are you friends with either one or both, or any other coupled up friends? When I became single after a long marriage, I reached out to my married friends and mentioned some local event going on, and asked if they would like to go-meaning being a third wheel. It didn't seem right at first, since we always got together as couples, but it didn't take long to adjust to being the single person in the group. Being a third wheel is better than just sitting at home and moaning about not having a partner.

A lot of people assume that if you're newly single, you won't want to hang out with married couples. When I was married and when any of our coupled up friends ended up splitting up, we would continue to socialize with them right after their break-up, because we knew that's when they needed someone the most. So instead of sitting at home and waiting for Prince Charming to drop from the sky and land on your lap, reach out to friends and suggest getting together for whatever occasion-and you don't mind if you're the third wheel.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 436
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Posted: 8/20/2018 1:15:36 PM

It's Not a "partner". Getting someone's # is not getting a Partner

oh...ok...since you want to nitpick .....potential partner....
because yes...that is what we are looking for when we date...


Ahhh, I would say the other way around (most of the time). All "league" means is a big difference in Looks

that is your definition...
I am seeing many in here define it to also include profession and financial status...
either way...once again...
you are limiting yourself if you automatically think someone won't give you the time of day because you think they are "hot" or their profession/economic status is better than yours.
There are plenty of OMG good looking people that just want a partner that is "real"...
There are plenty of highly educated, good profession people that just want a partner that is "real"...
why count yourself out before even getting up to bat???


But if there's no such thing as Good vs Bad -- ie existence of leagues

uhm....two different topics there...
Good vs Bad has nothing to do with these leagues ya'll believe in.
One can be rich or hot as fuk and be an ass....One can be poor as hell and be an ass....same thing with looks and financial status....
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 437
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Posted: 8/20/2018 2:08:37 PM

oh...ok...since you want to nitpick .....potential partner....
because yes...that is what we are looking for when we date...

Oh, it's not nitpicking. Big difference between having a partner or partner-to-be VS being attracted to someone to talk to them. HUGE difference. Most folks do it without evaluating "partnership". At all. That's for later IF something were to cum out of it. Most people's mindsets when single & ready to mingle isn't husband/wife hunting at all.

that is your definition...
I am seeing many in here define it to also include profession and financial status...

And I mentioned that but that usually doesn't play a role. It takes a wide gap on that part. And when we're talking about boy-meets-girl across the bar, they're not wearing their resume on their shirt, either.

When one says "She's out of your league", it refers to looks, unless something else Happens to also stick out that obviously plays a role (fame, being rich, etc). It'll play a role, say, in the workplace where she's a high-up executive and he's low on the totem pole in the company without the education & experience to work up swiftly or anything. There is that. But again, that's usually not in play.

you are limiting yourself if you automatically think someone won't give you the time of day because you think they are "hot" or their profession/economic status is better than yours.

It's not about economic status -- you usually don't know that. You'd need the time of day to figure that out on each other. And also, this isn't about one not giving you the time of day -- we give the time of day to folks we're not sexually drawn to. It's whether there ends up being real interest or not. Looks is #1. Everything else is just weeding out the Lack of it (he doesn't have a good job where she does; she's got 4 rugrats where he doesn't have kids).

It's limiting oneself to think that looks don't really matter. Looks matter HUGE. We just don't have to weigh options and analyze them. It's Instant. So we are allowed to have the illusion, when we want to believe it to be so, that looks don't matter. Too many guys bark up the wrong trees & waste their time: Girls who are out of their league (=PURELY LOOKS, unless something else unusual comes into play to also factor in).

But some people's self-esteem is too fragile to realize that people are notably better looking than ourselves, and that they're out of our league in looks. An unusual imbalance in some other direction which doesn't happen often would have to come into play when we don't know them much to have a real shot -- and that's assuming the gap in the looks dept isn't Too big.

One can be rich or hot as fuk and be an ass....One can be poor as hell and be an ass....same thing with looks and financial status....

I agree. And a guy can be solidly Unattractive, and be really sweet -- he ain't going nowhere with a gal who's hot as fvck, whether she's an a$$ or nice. She's out of his league regardless. :)
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 438
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Posted: 8/20/2018 2:09:11 PM
out of my league 'could' be looks, but usually their social/financial status is what I refer too. there are those who do not let money define them but most do. high society versus redneck would be an example. even excluding money, the senators ex wife would be out of his league for a pig farmer, regardless of how rich he was.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 439
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Posted: 8/20/2018 2:34:10 PM
LadyinRed wrote:
LOL, Whatever...………..I never put much stock in "leagues", or any other term used to designate a persons date-ability per their physical appearance. Leaguesshmeagues, blehhhhhh, MEH!


I have learned outward appearance is skin deep. Bull crap can hide under any skin.

In my quest for a man, to be in a LTR, I went for, "Good to me/Good for me".

(Oh and a motorcycle, LOL)
But there are leagues, LIR, and you just gave a good example...OK...let's just say....what if your guy had appeared in your life....and he had a Vespa scooter, because he couldn't afford a Harley hawg. Considering having a BF with a motorcycle is one thing you have identified as being very important to you to be happy, I would say then if he tooled up on a Vespa, you would be "out of his league." The "league" of potential LIR suitors being guys who own Harley hawgs.

The Vespa dude would be below the league in which you believe you can attain. That is to me what "leagues" are.

Of course, it does bring to mind the ridiculous visual of you in all your Harley gear riding on the back seat of a Vespa but I digress.

There are leagues. Folks here can don their round specs and tie dyed and paisley shirts and dresses, and light one up, form drum circles, hold hands, and listen to John Lennon's "Imagine all the people, dating without leagues," but a league-less dating world is a fantasy.

Ms. Micki wrote:
wtf with this league crap still...
Because there are leagues. See above.

NY58 wrote:
If there weren't leagues, homeless people would be going on a lot of dates.
With supermodels, lol

Ms Micki again:
If you think in "Leagues"....then you are limiting yourself....

as for attraction....there are those of us that are attracted to things besides looks....
I am attracted to someone that stimulates my brain and my funny bone....
those are the men that will make me linger and talk...and truly get to know the person they are....

Sure....a good looking man will get me to turn my head....but his looks will not get him the date...
OK. For the most part, there are leagues. But I believe there are leagues in other areas besides looks. For example income and socioeconomic class. The other thing is, it doesn't really matter if you believe there are leagues or not, it matters what the other person thinks too. If you believe in leagueless dating, and the other person not only doesn't, but believes you're below his league, you won't get the date, regardless of your leagueless philosophy.

Now there is a difference between saying "There are no leagues," and saying "There are leagues, but I don't give a sh*t, I am going after who I want." If y'all are saying the latter, then I agree, leagues shouldn't stop you, go for it!!! But be prepared for a bit more rejection aiming high. It is what it is. Life ain't for the meek.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 440
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Posted: 8/20/2018 2:45:15 PM
Siisaa wrote:
It's much easier for people to dismiss you or think you're out of their league if all they go off of are some pictures on a dating profile.
I liken it to assessing and evaluating athletes coming out of college, i.e. the NFL draft. But these teams to get to interview the athletes, run them on the field, written testing, burrow into their past, view past game film, get body measurements, and even get to see them pose, almost nude so they can evaluate their body type (really). But in the end, a player's ability to learn, and learn quickly, decision making, discipline, character, and hunger to succeed are things that these evaluations miss. And these are huge considerations that can't be quantified, thus STILL with all the data, and preparation - there are still a large percentage of flops in the NFL draft. With OLD there is much less data available, so it doesn't surprise me the massive % of failures in OLD.


I love a beautiful singing voice too. Most times, that'll make an average-looking person automatically appear more attractive to me when I see & hear them singing or creating beautiful music.
This is true. Any passion that is fun, unique or exciting will elevate the attractiveness of a person to most people.

NY58 wrote:
They just keep on doing it, because rejection is part of the process, and they don't want to not date because they could get rejected.
True. Men know if they cower from rejection, their frequent buyers' punchcard from their local "Blowup Dolls 'R' Us" store will be perforated like swiss cheese otherwise.

2ufo wrote:
It is NOT their job to make you happy. You need to figure out what makes you happy and do it - because NO ONE ELSE WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
But her self esteem would rise if she SUCCESSFULLY risked rejection, on a guy she otherwise would have been scared to take that risk for, and got a receptive response from that guy. It's all about facing one's fears. Successfully. That's how personal confidence builds. That's how Julystorm can improve her view of herself. I don't think there is a magic formula. Julystorm, you must put yourself out there and realize each failure isn't a reflection on you....it's just the rough and tumble world of dating...and sometimes luck of the draw.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 441
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Posted: 8/20/2018 3:14:54 PM

out of my league 'could' be looks, but usually their social/financial status is what I refer too.

In the context commonly used by most people, it's the other way around. It Could be about social/financial status, but usually not. Usually only one-gender sided against guys where the gal is high up on the corporate ladder making great $$, while he clearly isn't. It takes a Much Wider gap for men to think he's out of a gal's league purely based on that. There's no shortage of guys high up on the corporate ladder dating a "mere" school teacher. "League" doesn't come into things unless it's lightyears apart when it comes to guy on the Up and the gal on the Down, in the working world.

And TYPES is different than leagues. Nobody says "She's out of my type". It's "She's not my type / I'm not her type," aka "We are not compatible." When it comes to a guy who hangs out at the 'ol country bar with his blue collar job, and she's howty-towty in business attire (she could Easily be a secretary for a fancy company; doesn't make her out of his league; just of a different genre).

OK. For the most part, there are leagues. But I believe there are leagues in other areas besides looks.

I wouldn't say there are Other leagues. It's just how much of a draw you are in the Dating Market. It's Looks having #1/#2/#3 weight. Which is The reference, by default, unless otherwise specified or Obviously known and goes without saying since you both know the person and how they stick out.

It's a combination factor. A blue collar guy sees some HOT girl who's a successful lawyer -- sure, she's out of his league. And would be so if she wasn't that successful as a lawyer, too -- unless he was some hot dude himself. But say some good looking blue collar guy making $40k a year sees an Ugly overweight gal who's in nice clothes and is a successful lawyer. Is she out of his league? No. That's not going to be the first thought that comes to mind... for a reason. :)

People who hate 'league' (vast differences in dating market value) -- hate being seen "lower" than others. And when it comes to the Dating Market value on paper -- it's basically Looks, where any notable difference in financial status (if known), can shift the needle.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 442
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Posted: 8/20/2018 3:58:43 PM
Actually, I will argue that there is another certain league other than looks and that is money. But it only applies to one gender. Men who have money and/or a good job are in a different league than men who do not have money and/or a good job. Many women (usually women in the 25+ range as younger women don't regard money as highly) will only date a guy of a certain financial status and that's a fact. The same does not usually apply in reverse though. Most men will date a poor woman IF she looks beautiful.


But her self esteem would rise if she SUCCESSFULLY risked rejection, on a guy she otherwise would have been scared to take that risk for, and got a receptive response from that guy. It's all about facing one's fears. Successfully. That's how personal confidence builds. That's how Julystorm can improve her view of herself. I don't think there is a magic formula. Julystorm, you must put yourself out there and realize each failure isn't a reflection on you....it's just the rough and tumble world of dating...and sometimes luck of the draw.


That is an incredibly profound thing you just said. And that is one of my personal goals, to put myself out there. And I have. Its like the Chumbawamba song "I get knocked down but I get up again." Unfortunately, I haven't encountered much success. A major problem is that a lot of guys I talk to online, while not rejecting me per say because they are the ones who are initially messaging me, are only after quick sex and they are honest about it at least. So while its not a rejection per sey, it is a rejection of sorts. I want someone who wants more than just my physical self. And online dating sure wears you down. I came on pof initially because I was looking to date with a possibility of a relationship but after a few months of the above I decided maybe I was asking for too much and maybe I should just try the casual sex thing. But it's not for me. I feel feelings too much and its annoying plus the whole thing is really not the safest thing to do in the world either which plays into it. I would just like to encounter a win one of these times, meet a guy I like and maybe go on a couple dates, maybe have it confirmed to me that its possible there's a guy out there for me. Maybe a light success like that would really increase my confidence.


You should be happy being Single. I know you cannot enjoy the fruits of it compared to others when you're juggling kids and living at one's parent's place... but then again, those in such situations With a BF/GF many times don't have the best relationships either.


You hit the nail on the head with that one. I can't enjoy being single right now because really, I just exchanged being in a relationship and living with my ex to being in a relationship and living with my mother. In several ways I had a lot more freedoms living with my ex. I yearn for the day I can finally live on my own but I can't do that for at least 6 more months, not until I can get some major debts out of the way. Today in particular was a really depressing day for me because I got a look at my lawyer bill on the same day I got a letter from the Canada Revenue Agency saying I owe a ton of money to them because my ex lied on his taxes. To me, dating has been kind of an escape, a way to get out of the house for non-work purposes, for adult time which I don't get. And the monotony of my day to day life, struggling financially, not getting to have a lot of fun, makes dating an exciting thing.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 443
Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 6:53:32 PM
You keep mentioning about wanting a relationship. But the question is: What do you bring to the table in a relationship?
You have financial problems-that won't go away in six months if you're getting lawyer and tax bills on top of your current debt. You would need a guy who wouldn't mind that you have three kids that come as a package deal, that he would have to raise and pay for, if it gets to that stage. That alone eliminates the majority of men. Getting a place that accommodates five or more people will be a major expense. Will you be able to pay for your share of costs and expenses if you get a place with a guy, or will you look for a guy who will pay for all or most of the expenses? Good luck with that.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 444
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Posted: 8/20/2018 7:02:30 PM
^ good points. July's predicament sounds like ones we're heard before but with different details. Too many people are too stuck on what they want instead of why someone else should even want them. What makes you favorably stand out from the next man/woman?

I remember you saying one of the more recent guys you were talking to/hooking up with is talking to other women, which judging by what you've told us, would be what most men would do. Most men aren't going to put all their eggs in one basket for a woman who has so much baggage.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 445
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 9:24:25 PM

" see below " col
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 446
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 9:26:35 PM
...
...

I need to put myself out there ... I should try the casual s*ex thing ... I would like to encounter a win ... I need to meet a guy & go on dates ... I can't enjoy being single ... I yearn for the day I can live on my own ... Dating is kind of an escape ... I don't get adult time ... I don't get to have a lot of fun ... I think a great looking guy could like me, sure ... Nice kind people like me get stuck with the horrible people ...


^ Quite a few I's up there^
.. You reap what you have sewn ( bad relationships resulting in several kids ) you said the guy probably got you pregnant on purpose, to keep you there . Bulls*hit ~ You got pregnant because you weren't on birth control ( you eventually have to face up to, the consequences of your actions

^^^ Is it just me ~ or does anyone else think this kind of " self absorption " , should be re-directed towards the care of the children ? We seldom hear of the children, only that she has them and that most dateable " men " consider them baggage.
^^^ I say all this, in the spirit of trying to give you ~ what I consider, is good advice ( drop the I's & concentrate only on work, your kids and family ) You'll blink your eyes one day, and discover that you feel GOOD about yourself . The kids will be off and about >>> it is NOW " your time " & you won't be ancient, by any means.

....... I remember your answer to that, one time back > you said something like > " You expect me to wait all that time, before I can have s*ex and find a man? "

I do believe > NO was your answer ...
allrightyroo then > have fun !

Good Luck ~ If you don't change, you'll surely need it ...
heart / sun
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 447
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 10:01:48 PM
I know I don't bring much to the table which is one reason for my lack of confidence. However, from looking a few times at women my age on pof in my area I have seen that that's rather the norm. Not a ton of women in their 30s doing online dating without kids.

I'm not interested in moving in with someone at this point in my life. I want to experience living on my own for a while and I don't think its wise to move in quickly with someone, especially with kids. I just want to experience dating, getting to know someone and doing things together.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 448
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/21/2018 4:19:08 AM
Find someone that values you for you.
Yes you obviously can work on some baggage you may have like debt but some like having kids just isn't going to disappear.
Why do you lack confidence so much?
Either work on areas that you feel are lacking and work on ways to compensate or work on feeling better about yourself. Maybe both is a good idea.
I usually got to know guys before I met them, the dates that led the furthest were with guys who basically loved me before meeting.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 449
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/21/2018 7:15:54 AM
[Not a ton of women in their 30s doing online dating without kids] it is rare to find a woman without kids at any age on pof. I am surprised at how many 50+ women still have young children. then add the single grandmas raising the grandchildren. 30 with kids might be baggage but most others have kids too, when a guy looks at your profile and sees kids, he saw it on the one before yours and most before that.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 450
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/21/2018 8:05:39 AM
Exactly. I'm 35. It would be surprising if I didn't have baggage. And plenty of the men have baggage too. The last guy I was with was paying half his income to child support and alimony.

My lack of confidence is mainly to do with the fact that I don't have my own place and I'm not financially self-sufficient and I'm overweight and I've been told by a lot of guys that while they would be interested in a fling, they wouldn't be interested in a relationship with me because I have 3 kids. None of these things I can change except the weight which I'm working on. Although I think the right guy for me would be one who is accepting of the weight I am now, someone who could fall for the inner me. But I do have good qualities and I'm hard-working, I work fulltime at a good job and I'm a good mom I think.
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