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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 426
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Women making the first move...Page 18 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
We do look at the whole package (physical attraction, personality, job/money). But there are still leagues mostly having to do with looks. Sorry but there are. Would a great-looking guy ever possibly like me? Sure, definitely, but its unlikely. And if I got a guy like that, I'd be insecure about keeping him. So I look for a guy with a personality and certain reqs (gainfully employed and taller than me) but I only look within the group of guys I think I can get. I ignore most messages I get from really good-looking guys and answer messages from guys who are of medium looks. Sometimes I do respond back to really good-looking guys who are persistant but I would never have the guts to even meet them in person.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 427
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 4:58:28 PM
that is a self imposed league you have put on yourself...and as I said....you are limiting yourself because of it.

also...and I know we've all had this conversation before...but...
your lack of confidence is what would run the good looking guy away...
not the fact he is more attractive than you....
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 428
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 5:07:31 PM

...but I only look within the group of guys I think I can get.

That's just sad.
As MsMicki says, you are the one limiting yourself.


... but I would never have the guts to even meet them in person.

This is even sadder.

So, you're the person all those guys are complaining about that won't even answer messages.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 429
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 6:41:18 PM
It's much easier for people to dismiss you or think you're out of their league if all they go off of are some pictures on a dating profile. I like the story in post #429. If Mr. Hot-Shot 6'3" Engineer just saw the short, overweight daycare teacher w/ glasses on a dating profile, chances are he would've ignored her. However....it was the choice of song and her beautiful voice that drew him in. We miss so much potential from both being on these types of sites & judging others' attractiveness on these sites too.

I love a beautiful singing voice too. Most times, that'll make an average-looking person automatically appear more attractive to me when I see & hear them singing or creating beautiful music. It has to be a song I actually like, not just anything.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 430
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 7:01:39 PM
That is one of the most limiting things about online dating. If I was to meet a guy in real life I could at least gage his level of interest and attraction beforehand. But online, I can't read what his interest is in the physical me and I hate seeing disappointment on someone's face when they meet me expecting better. I have hit it off a few times with someone online and in phone conversations and its obvious that our personalities jive well and I can see we are looking for the same thing but then we meet and I see disappointment from him because he was expecting more or I see the way he talks with me that there just isn't that spark on his part. And me, its funny because I have never been wrong on whether I will like someone or not. I have met guys that I really like personality-wise and I feel connected and we meet in person and I'm attracted. But I have felt luke warm about someone based on chats and when we meet there isn't much attraction.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 431
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 7:38:01 PM
Then post a photo.
Not your best photo, but something that looks terribly normal.
Then you'll know that he probably isn't disappointed in how you look but rather that there wasn't instant chemistry.

(And 'instant' chemistry is an entirely different post altogether."
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 432
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 8:31:09 PM
You're good looking, July. I'd respond to those guys and feel them out. What do you think the good-looking guys want, just sex? That's the same with a lot of the men on POF. It didn't matter what they look like, their thoughts are similar, LOL.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 433
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 8:34:36 PM
I had several photos up before. I took a break though so took my pic down.

I get the thing about the instant chemistry but that's why I really hate online dating. No way to know if there'll be chemistry. I guess the only way to find someone is just keep going on date after date with different guys and hope someone clicks. But to do that you have to face a lot of possible rejection.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 434
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 9:10:59 PM
Do you mean asking a guy out or meeting once and it not working out, regarding rejection? Whatever the scenario, men have to do this all the time. They just keep on doing it, because rejection is part of the process, and they don't want to not date because they could get rejected. I'm not saying its easy, but you have to try and take it in stride. Don't get emotional about it. Don't take it personally.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 435
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 9:42:05 PM
I don't know how to not take it personally. I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't. The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?



In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 436
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 10:01:04 PM
Maybe some of the men here can tell you how they handle it. Anyone want to give July advice with how men handle rejection?

 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 437
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/19/2018 10:48:44 PM
IRL, not to well. I wont ask a woman out until after many signals are given. online, different scenario altogether! ALL the women are available and wanting to date, just not me in particular. with absolutely no signals before actually meeting, many messages are never answered, some conversations (via messages) lose momentum quickly and when everything clicks just right, I still know our first date/meet is still with a stranger I never met. the first date isn't a start to a relationship but to see if they are even a candidate. I compare it to trying on new shoes, it isn't that either of us are not worthy, we just don't fit! I can predetermine work boots, tennis shoes or ballerina slippers, I can then narrow them down a bit before actually trying them on but I know when I find what appears to be the perfect pair, trying them on may be a huge disappointment. are they bad shoes? no, they just aren't the right ones for me. I will admit that online dating does little for my self asteem but at the end of the day, it isn't rejection, I just wasn't their match.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 438
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 3:47:26 AM

I don't know how to not take it personally. I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't. The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?


You don't take it personally, for one. Relationships are based on ongoing, mutual consent and anything outside of this is harmful. Why would you find the type of personal you always chase rejects you an exciting prospect? I wouldn't. If they don't want your company and want to Darwin their way out of the dating pool with their own choice-making tools, that's none of your business.

You continue to meet different people and see what happens. It should be fun and interesting.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 439
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 4:19:55 AM
I have encountered men wayyy out of my league: they are more educated and have lead strictly privileged life. Some were kind and others loved to indulge in solisistic narratives that would make my eyes glaze in boredom. They pursued me; not the other way around. I realized they really didn't have room for somebody like me in their lives (nor did I have room for somebody like them in mine).

I didn't see this as rejection. I saw it as an opportunity to learn...about myself.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 440
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 5:52:06 AM

But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

Counselling of course. To do it yourself is pretty much an impossibility due to the fact this fear of rejection is a part of your personality which lies dormant until you become interested in someone. It's an irrational thought process similar to a phobia which kicks in when a person has to face their fears. You'll never get over it completely July because it is ingrained in your personality. You have to teach yourself ways to work around this fear so as to lessen it's impact on yourself.. I know I stated the obvious but it's the only thing that will work. July I imagine this fear goes into overdrive when you're really interested in someone. I'm curious, does this fear of rejection still make it's presence known during an actual meeting/date?
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 441
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 6:02:36 AM

I don't know how to not take it personally
You do know that's a kind of egotism, don't you?
You take it not personally by realizing that the date isn't about you.
You take it not personally by preparing to have an engaging evening with a person, by doing what you have to do to make him feel comfortable (even if you don't like him). Recognize that you bring something to the date that simply isn't the expectation of sex. In fact, don't go on a dating moratorium - go on a sex on the first/second date moratorium.


I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't.

Then I doubt if you will be happy with someone else.
It is NOT their job to make you happy. You need to figure out what makes you happy and do it - because NO ONE ELSE WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
You need to be the person making yourself happy so you can share your happiness with people - i.e. the guys you date.


The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

You don't.
I'm pretty sure that guys don't either.
You simply act in spite of the fear. That goes for pretty much everything.
In fact, that kind of fear is what makes somethings (like dating) exciting because it's the fear of something new. Fear is what tells you to be prepared for possibilities. Fear is what teaches you.
Hopefully, going on a date will never give you a fear for your life (beware so-called red flags!).

ETA: You want to have sex with these guys on a first date because you think they won't like you enough for a 2nd or continuing date. They might not, but then you'll be having sex with men that don't like you. Is that what you want? Give up on the sex for a while because you want a man who will like you and enjoy your company OUTSIDE of sex.
 Tom├ísIasan
Joined: 5/17/2018
Msg: 442
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 6:09:48 AM
Dealing with rejection takes time, and establishing a better defence mechanism to handle it.

1. Realize you are feeling emotions know your allowed to feel them, and accept they will happen.
2. Know that you are pushing the limits of yourself when you ask people out, it's not about them it's how far you want to go to get that what you want in life. If you want a mate you have to try and ask the question and push yourself to do it over and over accepting each rejection as a part of life.
3. Drown out the critic in yourself for being foolish and stupid or whatever we can be our worst critics in life, so compliment yourself say positives instead.
4. It's not what defines you in life one person's opinion and rejection is nothing get 1k and comeback and talk about how hard it is and I don't mean on internet I mean real life. This it's nothing one person's opinion their entitled to it great good for them I doubt 7 billion people share that opinion let me go and see if I can't find a few to late already did.
5. Evaluate your rejection learn from yourself, what did you get from the interaction and learn from it.

No it's not impossible and if counselling was the answer call me a your counsellor cause what I just stated is what their going to tell you. I didn't even need to ask one.

I handle rejection rather well actually it doesn't bother me at all, neither does breaking ups. People spew a lot when they have no clue on people are capable of. This is the process again, you chose to try or don't the choice really is up too you, don't ask questions you have no intention on listening to the answer. Says the guy who is over any relationship with the slamming of the door, it never meant I didn't care or felt anything in the relationship it only meant I can deal with the loss and all those emotions in minutes not days, weeks, years almost instantly.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 443
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 9:42:22 AM
I know that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. However, things that I found fulfilling doing alone no longer fulfill me. I used to be really into tv but in the past year its lost its luster for me. I also used to be a bookworm but my genre of choice, historical romance, just leaves me wishing for real life romance. These days, aside from my kids, my interests are getting physically fit and playing soccer. But I yearn for a walking or biking buddy. And soccer was co-ed and spending time with athletic good-looking guys just made me want one. Everywhere I go I see happy couples and I really want that. And knowing my ex never had to be single a minute makes me a little ticked off, it just doesn't seem fair. I know two women with kids that become single around the same time as me and they are both in new relationships and I wonder to myself, why not me? And I spent so long in a loveless lonely relationship, I am tired of being lonely.

I managed to go a month without talking online with anyone but then last night the loneliness got to me again. There has been a guy I've been talking to for a couple months and seeing in person but he hasn't messaged me back in a few days and I worry I've gotten ghosted. 4 guys messaged me on pof but all 4 were just looking for sex. And I realized I'm not looking for sex, not really. Just looking for someone to talk to.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 444
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 10:05:59 AM

I know that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. However, things that I found fulfilling doing alone no longer fulfill me. I used to be really into tv but in the past year its lost its luster for me. I also used to be a bookworm but my genre of choice, historical romance, just leaves me wishing for real life romance. These days, aside from my kids, my interests are getting physically fit and playing soccer. But I yearn for a walking or biking buddy. And soccer was co-ed and spending time with athletic good-looking guys just made me want one. Everywhere I go I see happy couples and I really want that. And knowing my ex never had to be single a minute makes me a little ticked off, it just doesn't seem fair. I know two women with kids that become single around the same time as me and they are both in new relationships and I wonder to myself, why not me? And I spent so long in a loveless lonely relationship, I am tired of being lonely.

I managed to go a month without talking online with anyone but then last night the loneliness got to me again. There has been a guy I've been talking to for a couple months and seeing in person but he hasn't messaged me back in a few days and I worry I've gotten ghosted. 4 guys messaged me on pof but all 4 were just looking for sex. And I realized I'm not looking for sex, not really. Just looking for someone to talk to.


I know the feeling. I used to go to a lot of yard sales, estate sales, flea markets, exhibitions and things like that with my ex and it feels boring and weird to do it alone. I do sometimes because I get bored, but it was our thing. I also want to be in good shape. I had an ex approach me about getting back together but I wasn't really feeling it because she gained 100 pounds and has no motivation to lose it or be healthy. She calls herself a fat chick and thinks it's all genetics. I feel bad for looking at her differently, but I'm pretty sure she would look at me differently if I gained 100 pounds and gave up on myself.

I've had more people that I can count ghost me on dating sites or social media, etc. I even had a girlfriend of four years ghost me. It's just par for the course these days. It kind of makes you feel like giving up when people treat you like sour cream and onion chips.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 445
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Posted: 8/20/2018 10:32:53 AM
*I had several photos up before.

It's nice to see your face beside your words. You have a very nice smile.

*I don't know how to not take it personally. I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't. The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

Are you quite sure that you are not happy alone? Being lonely for adult companionship is only one thing. You speak with great pride about other parts of your life. It may not be fear of rejection at all but rather fear of rocking a perfectly comfortable boat. Think of all of the concessions and compromises that you would have to make if you did pair up with someone. Maybe, deep down, you don't want to put yourself through all of that. Perhaps the fear that you experience isn't rejection. Maybe it is fear of change instead.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 446
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 10:48:49 AM

Nope....not buying it!!
and yes....we do pick our partners....for what ever reason whether it be looks, personality, status or money....we pick who we want to date.

It's Not a "partner". Getting someone's # is not getting a Partner. Approaching someone isn't picking a Partner. Good god, that'd scare the hell out of 99.9% of people. You may or most likely may not become a life partner with someone just because you're attracted to someone and acted on your attraction by approaching them.

If you think in "Leagues"....then you are limiting yourself....

Ahhh, I would say the other way around (most of the time). All "league" means is a big difference in Looks. That's it. If there is no such thing as a big difference in looks -- guess what? No such thing as ugly or beautiful. I'll pick reality over trying to condition myself thru rose-colored glasses any day of the week. Why? Although rose-colored glasses can under certain circumstances for the emotionally weak be a Payoff, temporarily -- in the end, it limits everyone.

Sure....a good looking man will get me to turn my head....but his looks will not get him the date...

But if there's no such thing as Good vs Bad -- ie existence of leagues -- then either every man or no man would turn your head. :)

I don't know how to not take it personally. I wish I could just be happy being alone but I can't. The truth is I'm lonely for adult companionship. But how does a person get over a fear of rejection?

Well, struggling not having a BF/GF, and fear of rejection are two different things. You should be happy being Single. I know you cannot enjoy the fruits of it compared to others when you're juggling kids and living at one's parent's place... but then again, those in such situations With a BF/GF many times don't have the best relationships either. Having a BF/GF shouldn't be a Universal requirement for self-fulfillment, for everyone. No more than, say, moving to Colorado or California.

When it comes to Rejection, us guys take most of the brunt of that. Basically, you start slow. Baby steps. Where you're not going to be rejected per se -- you're just going to face lack of interest, and you heed barking up that tree. First moves many times are under the radar -- just conversation. That one would do if they weren't single to someone else in the room. But in your own mind, you're reading it. Just conversation.

That's why many social butterflies end up getting into trouble by their BF/GF -- because it's easy without even trying, to have dating opportunities right there on your lap. You're just socializing. First moves don't equal coming across the room and tapping a guy on the shoulder and saying "Would you like to be my life partner?" :) In fact, no walking across the room required nor any bold moves.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 448
Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 11:46:56 AM

Msg 449:
I know two women with kids that become single around the same time as me and they are both in new relationships and I wonder to myself, why not me?


Are you friends with either one or both, or any other coupled up friends? When I became single after a long marriage, I reached out to my married friends and mentioned some local event going on, and asked if they would like to go-meaning being a third wheel. It didn't seem right at first, since we always got together as couples, but it didn't take long to adjust to being the single person in the group. Being a third wheel is better than just sitting at home and moaning about not having a partner.

A lot of people assume that if you're newly single, you won't want to hang out with married couples. When I was married and when any of our coupled up friends ended up splitting up, we would continue to socialize with them right after their break-up, because we knew that's when they needed someone the most. So instead of sitting at home and waiting for Prince Charming to drop from the sky and land on your lap, reach out to friends and suggest getting together for whatever occasion-and you don't mind if you're the third wheel.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 449
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 1:15:36 PM

It's Not a "partner". Getting someone's # is not getting a Partner

oh...ok...since you want to nitpick .....potential partner....
because yes...that is what we are looking for when we date...


Ahhh, I would say the other way around (most of the time). All "league" means is a big difference in Looks

that is your definition...
I am seeing many in here define it to also include profession and financial status...
either way...once again...
you are limiting yourself if you automatically think someone won't give you the time of day because you think they are "hot" or their profession/economic status is better than yours.
There are plenty of OMG good looking people that just want a partner that is "real"...
There are plenty of highly educated, good profession people that just want a partner that is "real"...
why count yourself out before even getting up to bat???


But if there's no such thing as Good vs Bad -- ie existence of leagues

uhm....two different topics there...
Good vs Bad has nothing to do with these leagues ya'll believe in.
One can be rich or hot as fuk and be an ass....One can be poor as hell and be an ass....same thing with looks and financial status....
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 450
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Women making the first move...
Posted: 8/20/2018 2:08:37 PM

oh...ok...since you want to nitpick .....potential partner....
because yes...that is what we are looking for when we date...

Oh, it's not nitpicking. Big difference between having a partner or partner-to-be VS being attracted to someone to talk to them. HUGE difference. Most folks do it without evaluating "partnership". At all. That's for later IF something were to cum out of it. Most people's mindsets when single & ready to mingle isn't husband/wife hunting at all.

that is your definition...
I am seeing many in here define it to also include profession and financial status...

And I mentioned that but that usually doesn't play a role. It takes a wide gap on that part. And when we're talking about boy-meets-girl across the bar, they're not wearing their resume on their shirt, either.

When one says "She's out of your league", it refers to looks, unless something else Happens to also stick out that obviously plays a role (fame, being rich, etc). It'll play a role, say, in the workplace where she's a high-up executive and he's low on the totem pole in the company without the education & experience to work up swiftly or anything. There is that. But again, that's usually not in play.

you are limiting yourself if you automatically think someone won't give you the time of day because you think they are "hot" or their profession/economic status is better than yours.

It's not about economic status -- you usually don't know that. You'd need the time of day to figure that out on each other. And also, this isn't about one not giving you the time of day -- we give the time of day to folks we're not sexually drawn to. It's whether there ends up being real interest or not. Looks is #1. Everything else is just weeding out the Lack of it (he doesn't have a good job where she does; she's got 4 rugrats where he doesn't have kids).

It's limiting oneself to think that looks don't really matter. Looks matter HUGE. We just don't have to weigh options and analyze them. It's Instant. So we are allowed to have the illusion, when we want to believe it to be so, that looks don't matter. Too many guys bark up the wrong trees & waste their time: Girls who are out of their league (=PURELY LOOKS, unless something else unusual comes into play to also factor in).

But some people's self-esteem is too fragile to realize that people are notably better looking than ourselves, and that they're out of our league in looks. An unusual imbalance in some other direction which doesn't happen often would have to come into play when we don't know them much to have a real shot -- and that's assuming the gap in the looks dept isn't Too big.

One can be rich or hot as fuk and be an ass....One can be poor as hell and be an ass....same thing with looks and financial status....

I agree. And a guy can be solidly Unattractive, and be really sweet -- he ain't going nowhere with a gal who's hot as fvck, whether she's an a$$ or nice. She's out of his league regardless. :)
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