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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dating people with problem kids      Home login  
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 tgif2005
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 10
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Dating people with problem kidsPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
um1reel, I agree with your perspective: Very few "level headed" women would date - or put up - with a man who can't control his kids (well technically they're not kids anymore but it's the idea).
 tgif2005
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 11
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Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/28/2006 3:57:17 AM
ksue44, that was my biggest mistake - I should have ended it as soon as I realized that I would have zero input in the situation, and nothing would change (because those boys have no incentive to change!). I've read that kids are the biggest cause for divorce in second marriages. I wonder why :(
However, I suspect that now that she's a "free" woman, some other guy will come along and take my place... Amazing, huh?
 windowshopping04
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 12
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/28/2006 1:44:25 PM
tgif -

Look at it another way... she enables them to continue their behaviors. That is not good for them as individuals, but satisfies some need to nurture in her (whether she admits to it or not). By staying, you would enable her to continue in her behavior. So far, she hasn't had to evaluate her behavior or the price of it. Sometimes, putting distance between you and the person you care about is the only way to get them to consider change in their lives. She may not choose to change, but she definately won't consider it until things get rougher for her and she approaches "bottom".

You aren't abandoning her, you are providing her with an opportunity to re-evaluate her lifestyle and choices. You are not the "bad guy" - you're being smart about this, even though it feels rotten. You are leading by example.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 13
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Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:40:24 PM
OP - it's not just the kids with the problem, it's their parents. Unless their Dad is deceased, he's as much to blame for the mess as the Mother. If the relationship went into marriage or a live-in situation, simply put, it's a package deal. If you can't deal with the kiddos, it's best to call it quits, end the relationship as tactfully and gracefully for the two of you, and move on. It isn't going to get better unless SHE makes it happen.
 dd3va
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 14
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Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/23/2009 6:00:02 PM
You need to break it off for your own sake, before the feeling like a jerk turns into resentment and hatred. Deep down she knows what she needs to do too, she just has to find the strength to do it for her own sake and sanity.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 15
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/24/2009 9:39:50 AM
LMAO the op lives like 20 minutes from me! but since the thread is 3 years old hopefully he has resolved the problem by now.

To those who are think you can judge a parent by their children, I have to disagree...many factors go into what makes a child turn out one way or another...my father drank, my brother drinks, I dont. My brother was in trouble with every branch of society he ever came in contact with, doesnt pay taxes, etc. We were both raised exactly the same but some individuals have personality disorders, or mental illness that make it hard for any parent to know what to do with the child. My two kids are completely different from each other also...the clue is how the parent handles the situation.
 gentlebear22
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 16
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Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/25/2009 4:23:46 PM
I would run fast as I can out of there. Life is too short. If she is dealing with this mess, she is not ready for an relationship.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/25/2009 5:11:29 PM
Precisely why I also won't date people with kids.


Ummmm,,,,you do know that there are good Mommys and Daddys out there that do one hell of a job raising there children into productive members of society, do you not???? I'm the complete opposite and would like to date a woman whom is also a mother. Their parenting skills speaks volumes to me,,,,and not just about parenting.

In the OP's situation he shouldn't even thought twice after meeting the "children". Run for the hills mister. The apple NEVER falls very far from the tree.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 18
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/25/2009 5:29:12 PM

They have lacked common sense and leadership. Provide that, and they will respond.



At their age(and Mommy's) it would take years,,,,and more than one "professional,,,,not a boyfriend. If it was that easy fix, the moron numbers would much lower,,,,and not rising everyday. Right now(and more than likely,,,forever),,,,this is/will be "normal" for this Mommy and kids.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/26/2009 5:31:13 AM

After a child has reached an age of majority, I think it's unfair to hold parents accountable for the behaviour of their children.


Reread,,,,the "kids" are under Mommy's roof,and they are NOT children anymore. That is a form of enabling,,,which some have posted here. Don't think anyone disagrees that once a child reaches a certain age,,,,it's up to them. But before the child reaches that age,,,,,,maybe some should start teaching that responsibility and the "accountability" factor. It IS part of the "job description" of a Mommy AND Daddy.
 Gue$$who
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 20
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/26/2009 6:29:49 AM
Are the kids the problem really though? or is it the morals and upbringing they've gotten and if that's the case, is the parent choosen really a good choice? Remember we are the ones who are the ones our children develop and grow from. Food for thought.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 21
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:46:38 AM
These are not problem kids. These are irresponsible adults.

Why should you feel like a jerk? Did you make commitments and promises knowing the issues with she and her offspring--marriage, co-habitation, long-term commitment? Did you promise to stick with her regardless of how her offspring have chosen to continue to live their lives--manipulating and managing their mother while their mother continues to choose to enable their irresponsible lifestyle.

Why should you feel badly for this woman? She is her own worst enemy. The adult offspring did not arrive at this place because they were born useless. They are the way the are because she created them, along with their environment. Her failure to be a parent to them, to provide structure, and to manage her household has arrived at its logical conclusion. You feel sorry for people who have no choice and no way to alter their situation. This individual has had a generation to make changes an alter her situation. She has chosen not to do the hard work of parenting and is now continuing to pay the price for her choices. The result of her choices are not worthy of empathy or sympathy. They are the deserved consequences.

Regardless of when you break off the relationship (You will break it off if not now, when you literally cannot stand another second of it and filled with rage, later) it will be emotionally hurtful to her. Do it now, while you don't hate her and don't have to deal with your own self-guild and loathing from failing to take care of yourself and preventing the rage and frustration that you will undoubtedly feel if you continue much longer the relationship.

Regards,

ACP
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 22
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Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/26/2009 9:50:27 AM
i adopted "problem" kids and i also used tough love when necessary. they are all out of the home, but they still have problems. i'm there to support their good choices. there is no way they would be lounging around my house, on drugs, as adults.

however, i do visit them and they are not quite the "norm" yet. although, they argue that they are the norm and i'm old fashioned. so, let's just say they are not quite emotionally healthy yet, but they do try and all are thus far in college and "self supporting". i help with the crises, as long as i deem them not self inflicted with drugs, drinking or unecessary debt.

as to your lady friend, if she were a he, it would be "no way" for me. i wouldn't want to be the one kicking them out. that is her job! since i want a long term, i would not date someone in that situation. assuming they are older adult kids, as you describe. if they were younger, i'd assess how much is the parent's denial and how much is just a difficult situation. i'd be willing to lend my experience, strength and hope with the latter. but, no way would i be living in that milieu. once is enough!
 MargaretChristianPsychic
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 23
Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/26/2009 6:23:48 PM
Have you talked to her about the different Roads She Could take?

Number 1:
If she truely wants her life to be with you. And this is the Over 45 Forum.
She Needs to If anyone is living in the house with drugs...If her name is on
the mortgage...or the lease....she can be arrested for their mis-deeds.

Number 2:
Calling Social Services...if she is the one takiing care of the baby now.
That Usually helps the Younger Parents ...because that is what Social Services Is Equipt to do.

Number 3:
Can't She See herself what this is doing to your and to her...???
You seem like a caring person...And you seem like an intelligent human being.
Why Does her heart feel that letting things go as they are...is a suitable answer?

I say Call the Police even Anonymously calling the Police about the drugs...but GOD ALMIGHTY...is showing me your heart....so all this is way too much for you...so I know you will take heed to this advice.

GOD ALMIGHTY is showing me...that if you talk to her quietly...when you are alone with her. And let her know...something has got to change. Re-asure her that you love her... and that you will support her on kicking the grown adults out... but you cannot support the Illegal Activities...Or the Way that There is a Reason for Societies Rules..That you Cannot and Will Not Jepordize your going to jail...just because you are associated with this Very Dis-functional family.

I wish you the Best...In Making Some Very Tough Decisions.
Whenever the Heart Is Involved...It Always Makes It Much More Difficult ;
In Doing the Right Thing.

I Will Pray To GOD ALMIGHTY...that HE WILL WHISPER IN YOUR EAR...
WHAT THE CORRECT ANSWER IS.
Margaret
:)
Christian Psychic
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 24
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Dating people with problem kids
Posted: 11/27/2009 9:25:48 AM
"enabling makes a certain type of bed to lie in...one that I refuse to lie in."

Kicking my youngest son out the door and locking it behind him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. He was gone for 2 years. He's back... doing better but not excellently ... different from his older brother who has always been very responsible.

I have a rule about making beds.... if you don't like the way it is made, don't lie in it - remake it until you do like it.
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