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Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 3
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Interesting post, nosoup, I'll bite. I don't like the word compromise myself, too much like negotiating, just doesn't seem to fit when talking about a relationship. Or I dare to say, the right one. Tolerate isn't a good word, either, I'm with you on that.
Here's my simplistic response. When it's the right person, it's easy. Not like negotiation, not about compromise or tolerating. It IS about accepting, and loving. 1000% percent, and that's not a typo. The litmus test for me, is in knowing him fully, I honestly never saw or found a quirk or a flaw. Accepting him is easy, loving him...well I couldn't help BUT after knowing him. We've just meshed, in that amazing way. We're so much alike, two sides of the same coin, a phrase he used that I like. We're not the same, not clones, but where I Ying he Yangs, our differences mesh. I wish I could give a better explanation, but that's just how it is. When I look back, just for reflection, I worked so hard at other relationships, gave it all I had and more to make it work. And then realized, by loving him, that it's not about work at all. It's about waiting to find that person that you can totally accept and love with no conscious thought. You just DO. Didn't have to try to or want to, it was just there.
I could say where and when I fell in love with him, but it's more I grew to love him as I knew him. And still do, after more than a year, every day the miracle happens, I grow to love him more.
I think to get back on topic, sorry for being gushy, but it's just a matter of waiting and having a shred of hope that it can happen. Patience and a grain of faith, for those that I've known other than just us, seen it happen over and over. I think that's the key.
When it's right, the words or the thought of compromise or tolerating, the words are never used, the thoughts never enter either one's mind.
Joined: 11/13/2006
Msg: 7
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/1/2006 5:23:57 PM
Good post Op.

I would think the point of enjoying your life by yourself, getting to know yourself, loving yourself, is the point of being alive. Meeting someone who enhances your life, and who's life you enhance is a natural need, but one rarely found as people rush to replace lonliness with anything that 'will do'.


Hrrm... that took 38 seconds of my life. Guess another day is done. *whew*.
Joined: 1/1/2006
Msg: 12
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/1/2006 5:43:34 PM
I have to hope that bucsgirl's response is correct - that when you meet the right person, that person brings out the best in you and you're happy to reciprocate (a word she used in a previous thread..) - to do things for him and for him to do things for you..

I do think that there's such a thing as being single too long, which is as bad as not having ever been single...
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 24
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/2/2006 5:04:51 AM
thank you for initiating a discussion on a pertinent topic.

it requires soooooooooo much energy to get to know someone. then, more often than not, they end up having weird hang-ups and we wish we'd never bothered in the first place. i think that's what keeps many of us single. we just don't want to expend that kind of effort into something that, experience tells us, will wipe out anyway.

we alter ourselves to accomodate another. they alter to accomodate us. no one operates at their comfort level.

now, if we can find someone on our identical frequency, beautiful! if not, we haven't lost anything.
Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 28
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/2/2006 9:09:34 PM
George Strait:"Hey,Here she comes, a walkin',talkin',true love;sayin', I been lookin' for you love. Surprise! Your new love has arrived, out of a Blue Clear Sky.

Oh Yeah, I think we can get spoiled, with being selfish about our time alone( once you are alone long enough to be comfortable in your own skin). But we always stand (and hope for) the chance to feel the MAGIC coursing through your veins. To chance the fire and hope ya don't get burnt. I think that the less we look for love, the better the chances are of finding it, or it finding us. Relax, enjoy the ride, you only get one shot at it. Make it a good one.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 33
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/3/2006 10:20:18 AM
GAG4U2C "Because I know if I take care of him he will take care of me ". I love the way you think, totally refreshing. Seen so much of "I'll treat him/her right when I see they'll treat me right" type of thinking. Doesn't really matter who acts first, but someone's gotta step up and do a little pampering. No harm in that a bit!
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 37
Too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/3/2006 12:51:57 PM
Just about the entire range of opinions covered, from "selfish"-"spoiled"-"self-centered" to "and why the $#* should I have to put up with anyone else?"
My two cents into your soup, nosoup4u (a brilliant nick, btw!): kudos and salivations to all of us who figured out that yes we CAN be single, ENTIRELY self-sufficient AND happy. We don't NEED anyone to "complete" us, and it's NOT a bad thing to be "selfish," as long as you don't harm anyone else (and you can call the very same quality "independent" or "self-reliant", btw); it just means you've learned not to depend on others.
Yet, my envy goes to all those who found someone who enriched and added on just that much more joy to their single independent happiness. And yes it is a very special ability to trust someone else and to be able to share yourself and your life despite all the very real and very valid fears and inconveniences that go with allowing another person into your life.
A very admirable ability indeed.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 40
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/4/2006 7:00:19 AM
Being single is a great thing in the sense that you can really take your time and get to know what you want - even if you aren't sure what that is at first. I sometimes wonder if you can be single so long that you won't compromise, but then I ask myself, "why should I?"

Coming out of a long relationship where I had a nice amount of time and space for myself I realized I sort of like it that way. I really do enjoy my single life.

In my case I like my space as much as I like to spend time with someone - and I think it's a healthy thing to have; I was an only child for ten years - and never shared a bedroom with my sister when she was born. I have been living alone for nearly 20 years, paying my own bills and doing what I want when I want, and I won't give that up to be involved, nor should I. If I meet someone I actually have any interest in (hard to find) who will fit into my life as it is now, then i'll consider it.

I think the majority of long time single people feel this way...they don't want to give up their lives and freedom to be in their next relationship, and they can afford to take their time and be picky. And why not? You shouldn't have to compromise and settle to be with someone.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 12/4/2006 8:41:11 AM

A worthwhile relationship is worth a little compromise. ie Your ideal guy is dark haired so does this mean you rule out all blonds? Being inflexable or open to the potenial of something a litte differen then your ideal person is not a bad thing.

Sask, I agree with you when it comes to people that just split hairs. Obviously in my case an attractive man is an attractive man to me. I prefer brunettes, and long haired men...but will consider anyone that I meet and have an attraction to if everything else is there. I won't disqualify a guy because of the color of his truck or whatever.

And of course I can compromise on things like that. My schedule and lifestyle is more what I meant. I like my space, my freedom, my friends and my social life and the person I end up with will understand and value that. I just feel that the major things in your life won't be an issue with the right person, that's all.
 Wild Heart
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 52
Too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 1/6/2007 12:31:22 PM
Yes, I think most of us are spoiled if you want to use that word. However, I know for me I have no problem with change. I've lived with my brothers and their children almost most of my adult life and learned to adapt to those situations and I love having my nieces and nephews around. I had to change my habits somewhat, which is nothing - it's not like I had to change WHO I am. There is always compromise and changing of slight little things when you become a couple, and especially when you live with each other.

Change always brings bad and good, it's how you handle the bad that matters. I really don't care if I can't watch all my favourite shows anymore, I mean would I trade my SO for a favourite TV show or some material item? Duh no.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 1/23/2007 10:12:10 AM
It would be interesting for me to do single at this time (because with kids, you just don't really feel single/single). Being overrun constantly with kids, pets and God knows what else, and imagining what it would be like to live alone, I can see how just giving up the closet space could seem a big adjustment, particularly if you have been single for any length of time.

I think Bucsgirl said it fairly well. When you list the reasons that you don't want to be in a relationship--compromise, consulting on decisions, having to do things differently to accomodate another's habits--there is another way to look at all those things. This is how we feel about them at the end of a relationship but at the beginning, it is totally different.

You don't see things as making a compromise, you see it as finding a way for both to be happy. Consulting is something that is just a practical part of life, not asking permission, but discussing for example, whether there is enough money this month for you to buy X, essentially the same decision you would make with yourself if it is something you are not sure you can afford. So you have to relocate your toothbrush, or cook low-fat meals, or something else because your SO is very different from you. When both people are making these little adjustments they are usually imperceptible.

It is only when a relationship starts to unravel that these things that are generally positive and do not require a huge effort from you become big issues and illustrate how you gave up so much of yourself to make someone else happy.

The difference between now and when you were younger is likely that your standards have changed, you recognize how those good things can tank so you look for someone that you think will be able to keep the relationship healthy so that those things do not become burdens. When you find that person, you may consider whether giving up coming home to an empty house is preferable to real warmth with another human being, but it will likely be a passing thought.
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 62
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 1/24/2007 2:25:53 AM
Is it being spoiled or just lazy? I have not had a relationship of compromise that I can recall. Living with people is an adventure and a growth experience. Living alone can be easy and indulgent, right, also boring .

I live a different lifestyle that attracts interesting people; we are all independent but respect each others boundaries. It’s called just that respect. If you spend all your time looking for what you are going to get out of a relationship, you miss out on the wonderful voyage of life and allot of fantastic people. Every person is a gem, but sometimes you need rose colored glasses to see that. You also do not need to let anyone you are uncomfortable with in to your world, especially if they do not respect you or themselves.

When I am with people I am smiling but never to far away from a safe harbor to regroup and energize. If I want to be alone I do just that.

What if I had to change my life around for another person? That is a concept that you have to see as a problem, otherwise it just happens. Independent people do not need to be changed around if you understand my drift. Maybe I have been lucky.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 64
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 1/24/2007 4:44:22 AM
Adding a couple points to this thread:

Can't say I am crazy about the phrase "too long". You have only been single too long if YOU don't like it, and then you change it. Otherwise, it's not an issue.

Sometimes you meet someone and there's no chemistry or they are not the one for you. This doesn't mean you're not ready to date or dating's not for you, it just means that particular person wasn't your thing, you'll meet many you aren't attracted to and many that aren't attracted to you. It's just odds. Try again.

Some people are skittish about dating and there's no reason for it. It's just how they are. Don't get me wrong, I'm an advocate for therapy even if you feel you have no issues as it gives you good perspective and center to talk about stuff out loud sometimes. BUT I don't think not dating is "bad" and dating is "good", rather I feel that they're just different. Finding out why you are the way you are is cool, but thinking you are wrong about how you are is something else entirely. Don't let people tell you something's wrong with you because you enjoy being single.
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 65
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:58:35 AM
From Msg 82

... well mostly my standards weren't defined yet ...

That phrase rang true to me. The reason I was less picky when I was younger was because I really didn't know any better. I was more likely to say what I should want, because it really wasn't clear what I wanted.

Now, there are certain things I have to have, certain dealbreakers, and various levels of desireables/undesirables. Plus, I don't think the actively looking method works for me, I prefer a slower approach, just start by spending low-key time together, learn more about someone, and try to stay realistic.

Does that make me spoiled? Picky? Unrealistic?

I'll leave it to others to assign my labels.

Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 66
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 1/27/2007 9:32:43 AM
Never having been able to forge the ability to compromise has been a hard one in my life. It has and still does keep me to myself. As does the uncompromising desires of women. I have yet to get a email answered from people I was interested in nor have I been contacted (save once). All my relationships have turned out to be short term (save for my last relationship, which was strictly online and letter based). I have not enjoyed the company of a woman in my life in almost 5 years. And the rejects has made me apprehensive and shy about ever speaking to women on an intimate level. I am apparently not a suitable date by most people standards because I work part-time, go to school, and live at home. Yet they say these things aren't important in telling them if a man is good enough for them.

If I were to use a word to describe me...It would not be spoiled. Because, I would gladly share what I have with a woman who is willing to share what she has. A woman who can take me for the man I am and for the man I am working towards being in the future. But, I doubt a woman could or would want to handle such a man. But, yet I am able to do just that. No. Spoiled is not the word I would use to describe myself. More like sad, depressed, confused, frustrated, angry, longing.
Joined: 2/15/2007
Msg: 69
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 3/26/2007 8:20:43 PM
Yes i think we do become more selfish after being alone for too long. When you always have your own way 100% of the time, you tend to want that. Just some thoughts from my grand father on being older and alone.

"to be stupid, selfish and have good health, are three requirements of happiness, though if stupidity is lacking all is lost."

"Wisdom ceases to be wisdom, when it becomes too proud to weep, to grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself."
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 70
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 3/26/2007 8:30:06 PM
Ok - I am firmly wishy washy on this topic.

After being married most of my life - single now for 4 years. I can’t tell if having a gf would be nice or would be a pain in the azz.

Wait - I am now thinking the right gf could get me off of center (I just saw a picture of a cute girl).
Joined: 6/26/2006
Msg: 79
Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 5/26/2007 3:40:11 PM
considering I have never really had a gf just fwb because I refuse to suck up to someone it could be I am to spoiled but it could also be because I wont take any type of stupid crap from a women and am waiting for one that is worth my time.
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 82
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Can we become too spoiled from being single too long?
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:47:36 PM
I think the hardest thing to get used to when I get in a the decrease in the amount of time I spend on the net!! I've made sooo many friends thru the years...that I need a few hours everyonce in awhile to keep in touch.

The other aspects are natural to me.....I was married a long time before I was single for a long time....I do both equally well.
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