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Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 122
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Would you date someone who is separated?Page 2 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

I can understand why lots of men and women have trepidatons about dating the separated for whatever reason. Fine, all I have to say is life and human relationships are very complicated.

To assume that every separated person is prone to reconcile with their separated partner is foolish. Just as foolish to assume that all divorced people never have hanky panky with their X.

I have dated separated women, have no regrets, and would do it again. Communication is key in any relationship to know where one's emotional state is at.

If considering dating a separatee, it definitely is important to know where his/her head is at regarding what kind of contact he/she has with his/her X.

It isn't a matter if they are reconciling or not...By law and by and good conscienced person knows that if the paper's aren't signed and the marriage resolved, that person is still MARRIED. And I believe that husband or spouse should sue both the man/woman and her lover for breach of contract. It does not matter how complicated the sitaution is. If we are willing to make exceptions to the rules with this simple concept...We might, as well do it for every stinking notion or idea a person has in order for them to be right.

So, in short, if you are separated...YOU ARE MARRIED! and are OFF-LIMITS! Yes it sucks. But, you have to make a choice, is holding on to whatever it is worth putting your romantic pursuits on hold or are you willing to add to the moral decay of this world. And this has very little to do with my religious beliefs.
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 127
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:29:18 PM
I am legally separated & I am not even on speaking terms with my ex. The only way we communicate whatsoever is through lawyers. Even the children are not even on friendly terms with him. There is no way in hell I'd take him back and besides that he has been living with another woman for over a year. Does that mean that I'm not entitled to having any company? Does this mean that I should be shunned because I was once married and now I am in limbo where I just might be for several years not necessarily by choice?

For all of you who would never ever date a separated indidvidual - you should also make a pledge to never date anyone who was once married or even seriously involved with anyone because there is a chance of reconcilliation or a little something on the side! Besides that if you are that insecure I would doubt that anyone would seriously consider dating you anyway.

So now think about it. Is this man available or isn't he? It's the person - not the status!
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 129
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:01:10 PM
I can see you are 26 and divorced already. Must have been a rather weak attempt at it. Good thing you don't have any children. Try investing 23 years with someone and accumulating assets with children involved and see just how easy it is!

By limbo I simply mean it is going to take experts and professionals to assess our assets as we cannot even come remotely close to an agreement. He would sooner give it to all the lawyers in Canada before giving any of it to his children.
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 131
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:15:35 PM
Thanks for setting the record straight. I do maintain my stance though as this could be the 10 year separation that we have all heard about.

I have been in business since I was 19, raised 3 kids, been the hockey mom, wife, business owner, politician - you name it.

I am quite capable of multi-tasking!

I wish you all the best on pof.
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 138
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:33:54 PM
words. just words.
divorce isn't when you break ties with them..likely there are children involved, so that means there is always a connection. the only reason to be divorced is if there is a need for one party to remarry. otherwise what difference does it make? a piece of paper does not dictate a person's feelings for another..when you signed the marriage certificate that didn't mean that it would unequivocably work (duh). its inside, not on paper that counts.

i say go with your heart.

good luck!!
Joined: 12/21/2006
Msg: 140
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/10/2007 12:14:16 AM
As a recently seperated woman . I think it is perfectly ok to date someone who is only "seperated" My ex and I have no chance of getting back together . We do have a small child together and in the state I am from we both have to attend "parenting" classes before we can even do the divorce . So in the mean time why would i punish myself of possibly not being able to find someone who is perhaps my soulmate because i am not "divorced" Marriage isnt just a piece of paper. Its a bond and a love. So its perfectly ok if that love and bond isnt there anymore and all thats left is the technical part of it. I say do what feels good to you.
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 143
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/19/2007 11:21:14 AM
Separated does not necessarily mean that you are tied or bound to that person any more than if you are divorced. You can be divorce and still have a desire to reconcile or long for that person.

People don't complete the divorce for a multitude of reasons, many of which have already been stated. It could be financial, although it isn't that expensive to complete. One good reason, in the situation where kids are involved, is insurance/co-insurance. Really, isn't it just a piece of paper... a piece of paper is not going to determine how your heart feels.

If a person is separated and tells you that there are no ties, then you have to trust that it is a true statement. If it turns out not to be, then chances are this person would be lying - divorced or not.

It is my opinion that one should not judge based on this criteria, you could be missing out on someone great. You should, however have a discussion so that both parties understand the parameters of the 'separation'.
Joined: 12/8/2006
Msg: 147
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:50:16 PM
Well, I thought I would add to this. I am separated. Would have been divorced by now, if we didn't have a few legal things to fix. I am a little mixed on this. I can see in my situation, where it has REALLY helped me get out, and have some fun. Meeting new women has been a big ego boost for me, which I really needed, since my wife is the one that left me. I have no intention of going back, but a month ago.... I may have said yes. I think it depends on the timing. I know for a fact, if I was actively dating a woman, there is NO way I would have ever gone back to the ex.

I am actually looking forward to finally getting the divorce. I am hoping some of the women that have looked me over before, may actually stop and talk this time. :-)
Joined: 4/5/2006
Msg: 154
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:55:14 PM
I still say all of those people who say you should not date a separated person should treat each situation on it's own merit.

I for one have not even spoken to my ex for more than a year and I don't know when or if he'll ever agree to my most fair proposal offers. I even have nightmares about him. All it takes is one nasty ex to hold up the process, meanwhile they don't care because they have been living with a new partner for sometimes years.

I don't feel this has dampened my spirit though or made me emotionally unavailable. I have emotions and have actually been in a relationship for several months now. We are both happy with the time we have now. No one knows tomorrow or even if tomorrow will come. Looking at the past does not help heal, moving forward and loving again does!

Good luck to all of you who are not afraid of loving someone who has loved before married or otherwise!
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 170
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 8:51:25 PM
My divorce with my ex-husband took over 2 1/4 years. I think it was dragged out because my extranged husband talked his attorney into bullying my attorney. My reason for thinking this is because my attorney's hemmed and hawed about getting a court date (for the divorce) and meanwhile my ex kept calling me to try to talk me into staying with him. My attorney never believed me about these phone calls, he said that I'm stuck on myself and need to get over myself. My ex's phone calls consisted of him demanding me stating that he wants this and that. Never did he include anything that would benefit me.

My extranged husband had a new girlfriend in his vehicle everytime he picked up the kids for his visitation. It seemed to me that he wanted to play the field, yet make sure I stayed in my place. He told his attorney that I thought I was god's gift to man. My attorney believed this, and the next attorney I got believed this, and finally the third attorney I got believed this. Everytime I told my attorney(s) that they are being suckered into his abuse, they told me to get over myself.

I tried to explain (for some stupid reason) that I know I'm not beautiful, not is just that this man got such a power trip with me that he couldn't let it go. The attorney again said....get over yourself.

Milwaukee County Family Court System....mid 1990's.
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 172
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/26/2007 10:37:42 AM
I have to admit I'm now rethinking the whole separated bit, though I do still believe each situation is individual...but having just gone through an experience that I won't ever repeat, I can say that if someone isn't separated legally at the minimum, and better yet been divorced for a while and has been dating again for a while, then I'm not going to be interested in dating them. It seems that no matter how much someone says they're handling things well, and no matter how much they act like they are, one can still be taking a chance by believing them. Again, everyone is different, but once bitten, twice shy...and I really do prefer someone who has their head screwed on straight.
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 178
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 9:37:33 AM
Would I date someone who is seperated -
No - chances are - he is married and the whole
seperated concept is in his mind-
He is still married and he still needs to make decisions
on what he needs to do - you want to sit on the sidelines
and wait for him - be my guest - hey but wait - try this with
him - tell him- I have feelings for someone else and I dont know
what is going on with us - he will make a decision - if in fact
he is seperated headed for divorce and wants you - he will tell you-
if he is just playing with you - he will let you go - Call him on it if
you want the truth - Oh and the other guy - yeah - I always liked him
more anyway so for me - I win-
 Coral Roses
Joined: 12/3/2006
Msg: 180
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 10:04:26 AM
Waiting to "have the money" is a big waiting until his oldest turns eighteen, then that happens, and still no's his way of "puttting you off" because he doesn't want to make a committment to you....I KNOW I HAVE WORN THAT SHOE FOR OVER THREE YEARS NOW...have finally started to get a reality check, that he doesn't want anymore committments or "baggage" to deal with in his life......find an uncommitted man to share your life with....I'm moving on, you do the same....have a great day
Coral Roses
Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 181
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/29/2007 2:43:11 AM
I had a similar situation about 2 years back. I met a wonderfull girl and found out she was seperated shortly after we started to hang out.

Not alot happened with us, but I could tell I was a means for her getting her feet wet again in the dating enviroment. We spent some time together but never let things go too far. I kept it as a friend, something about my morals I cannot get too involved with someone that is seperated. Wright or wrong that is me.

Well after we seen each other for a few weeks, she came up and told me she wanted to get back with her Husband and try to make it work for her children. Two years later they are still together.

So in other words, dont bank anything untill the divorce is final. Be thier friend, nothing more. I know sometimes things take effort and more time then others, and some people may not agree with my answer. But it is how I feel about it.
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 183
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/30/2007 8:16:32 PM
Speaking from experience ( 3 times on this subject).....NO NO NO NO.......Do not date someone who is only separated! He is surely still tied to his wife in every sense, especially if he's still living in the same house as his wife and/or recently separated. There's always that chance they'll change their minds and go back to their wives where it's safe, leaving you with a broken heart. Meanwhile he's attempting to get someone on the side without the guilt of cheating. True that some divorces can take a few years they can also be paid for over time, and if the divorce is uncontested, it's the cheapest way to go not to mention the quickest. If there's a legal separation, ask to see the papers. They'll use every excuse under the sun for not proceeding with the divorce, lack of money, how they can't leave the home, it's better for the kids this way, etc...anything to string you along, meanwhile they're "having their cake and eating it too". Having coffee is fine but DO NOT allow your heart to become involved. Do NOT put your life on hold while he tries to figure out how to pay for his divocre. He could con you into helping him out with a small loan, then run out on you or run back to his wife after he used the money he got from you to buy gifts for his wife so she'd take him back. Been there!
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 187
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/31/2007 2:10:35 PM
It would soooooooooooooo depend on the individual situation! I made it a rule of thumb in my thirties to only date the leavor, never the leavee, because usually the one leaving has known for a good deal longer than the one being left. I know: I tried to tell my first husband for nearly half of the marriage that it wasn't working, that something needed to be done or I would have to leave, etc, etc, etc. When I finally did just leave him, it was a "surprise" to him. . . .

By the time I left, I was fully ready. I couldn't afford a divorce for several years, and got it as soon as I was able. The fact that I was separated rather than divorced didn't affect any relationship at all.

On the other hand, I met a guy who'd been divorced for five years, but who was the leavee. He *still* wasn't ready. And ended up trying to court her.

Long and short: it just depends.

Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 190
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Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/31/2007 2:24:22 PM
I does depend on the situation, I myself am separated for 3 yrs from a 12 yr marriage, Have no interest whatsoever of getting back with her, But on the flip side I was in a relationship with a woman twice over the last 2.5 yrs and both times she went back to her ex.
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 191
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/1/2007 12:26:39 PM
broward: "He is surely still tied to his wife in every sense"
I love the paranoia here.

It's not's true. When one person finds the need to drag out their divorce for one excuse or another, they're trying to hang on to their spouse (control issues), meanwhile they still like the idea of running around with someone else. This way they can use the spouse as a back up when their new friend gets tired of their excuses for not proceeding with the divorce.
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 193
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/1/2007 5:49:35 PM
I think it depend on the situation in which the person is in. If he has been separated for a few months, I think people need a chance to sort things out. Lots of planning,understanding and giving yourself some time can make a world of difference. If its been years then get down and take care of business and get it over with.
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 194
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/1/2007 5:54:01 PM
Because as only bf/gf, they're not legally tied to one another, you also don't refer to them as being separated because they were never married. If they're not divorced then they are not really FREE , they are not free of their spouse. Why get involved with someone who is still tied to their former spouse by still being legally married to them? If the marriage is truly over then end it legally, why live a life in limbo? To get a divorce only when someone else comes along is like still being very much married and hoping something better comes along to make you want to leave your spouse. If it's over, be independent, cut the ties and move on.
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 209
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/3/2007 6:03:54 PM
I totally agree with you GreenEyesAndHam - that is, if I were to ever get myself into this situation again.


Getting involved with someone during their separation was nothing but lies, deep-seeded anger and other emotions that came with coming out of a long term relationship (short term marriage). And of course, I was the rebound that got to spend all this fun time with this person. (My initial idea was that I could be the helpful friend because I've been there before).

But what most will find is that anyone coming out of a failed relationship/marriage - even if it's too soon, is that they'll shower you with endless affection and be incredibly charming and usually sweep you off of your feet. (Even if you're trying to keep it on a friendship basis, it's hard to resist if you've missed the affection or partnership for awhile, so be aware). Or, especially if you already had a connection before.

I would almost recommend talking to the spouse, even if you're just going to be friends so you know the whole deal and what you're getting yourself into.

Better to be safe and prepared than left with no friend and a broken heart.

Been there and will never do it again. (Lost a possible great friend and heart is now not on my sleeve so quickly).

But he's just one guy...and not what I base every guy on. (At all).

Good luck and you'd be surprised how quickly time flies...
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 211
Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/3/2007 6:12:12 PM
Thank god for a sane response from a woman, and naturaly it had to come from one classy lady!

Estranged from my wife more than 25 years. Divorce impractical due to her many medical and mental problems. Health insurance quotes 3 years ago were in excess of
48 hundred dollars per month, with no cap. Add that to lifelong alimony and separation kept her on my policy at no cost. Divorce and she was off the policy. Now I'm glad because she is the mother of my children and now has only a few days to live the result of terminal cancer and nearly a dozen surgeries, two months of radiation therapy and on going chemo. Cancer first diagnosed 6 months ago. Even hospice is being paid for by my insurance.

Had I insisted on the divorce, she probably would have suffered more without a decent
health insurance program.

There was never a chance at reconciliation!

It really bugs me when POF women I contact say no, your married without even investigating the circumstances.

Thanks Classylady you've redeemed your skitish sisters.

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