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 DrJJ1967
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 224
Males disapproving of women having male friendsPage 10 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
I have been a counselor in some respect for more than 20 years. When one partner has an inordinate number of opposite-sex friends it is always, given time, 100% fatal to a relationship. You can argue and give your opinion - doesn't matter. It is fatal to a relationship.

More than 20 times in my short life I have had couples, including married couples, sitting with me with a relationship in tatters because of this. You may look at the current state of your relationship and say, "these guys/girls are only friends." That is true now. The problem is:

1) Lots of people, women especially, use an orbit of circling men as an escape hatch - especially former dates that they have told "let's just be friends." If something goes wrong with a relationship that they are actually invested in, they have other people that they can fall back on that they already know are interested. Someone who wants to keep opposite-sex friends in an orbit additionally demonstrates that, because they want this safety net, they are not really serious about developing a relationship with and investing everything in just one person.

2) You may be friends right now, but when your romantic relationship gets hairy or unfulfilling, you WILL be tempted to seek solace and comfort from these opposite-sex friends instead of investing more in your romantic relationship and trying to iron out whatever problems may exist. Dozens of times (that I personally know of) somebody running to an opposite-sex friend "just to talk" or for comfort quickly escalates into an affair and tanks the romantic relationships of one or both of them.

3) Even if YOU have the best of intentions - that doesn't mean your opposite-sex friends do. More than once, somebody who has sworn that they only wanted to remain friends has had their relationship torpedoed in one way or another by an opposite-sex friend who decided that either it ought to be something more or that if he/she tanks your current love relationship, he/she can then have you.

This, as I say, given time, is ALWAYS 100% fatal. It is a bad idea and someone who denies this is responding on a naively emotional level rather than facing facts. And someone who needs to have a bunch of opposite-sex friends hanging around all the time is simply not ready for a committed, exclusive, romantic relationship.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 225
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 5/17/2007 6:53:29 AM

This, as I say, given time, is ALWAYS 100% fatal.


You can't claim that with any certainty whatsoever. You may believe it, but you can't just blanketly state it's always fatal all the time.
 capegardengirl
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 228
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 5/17/2007 11:02:01 AM
Msg#13.."Its very rare for a woman to have "true"male friends"...When you are under 30, thats true..I see that many 20 somethings have very shallow and superficial relationships with the opposite sex, whether it is friendship or not....Alot of insecure game playing, egos running amock and immaturity......So wait a bit...Both men and women get more secure and have more self confidence as well as assert their needs more as they get older.....Things change in your 30s and many men your age at that time and beyond make good friends with women...
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 236
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 5/24/2007 6:21:58 PM
I have no problem with a woman who has male, straight friends as well as female straight friends. In fact, I see it as a sign of maturity.

But I know some younger women who hang out with a crowd of young men, who clearly have no interest in ANY women except for sex, and the few females that they know are clearly hanging onto these women, in case they can get a boyfriend from one of these men.

I have no problem with these women either. As long as they are fully aware of what these men want. If the woman tries to deny these men's intentions, then she is not being fully honest with me.

It is the lack of honesty that destroys the relationship, not anything else.
 MB58SC
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 241
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 6/9/2007 6:16:57 AM
I don't care who she's friends with. She could hang out with Tom Cruise and I couldn't care less.
 floridaman4u
Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 243
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 6/9/2007 9:59:56 PM
break in case of emergency (eddie murphy ) said it best .... and if a guy has female friends ? it really depends on trust and your relationship ..
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 249
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 12/22/2007 2:57:20 PM

well i see it this way....you either want friends or you want a lifetime partner..which is it?


After many years... after a failed marriage and failed relationships.. after many years of twisting myself into a pretzel to please my "partner" I have learned something... Real friends are rare, they are a treasure beyond compare and the person who can count his/her real friends on more than one hand is VERY fortunate. Relationships come and go.... occassionally they last, but real friends will ALWAYS be there for you. I refuse to make the choice between friends and a partner, or friends and family.... my friends are like my child or my pets, they are part of the package of who I am. Male or female, it doesn't matter. I would be one hell of a lousy friend if I abandoned my friends, for ANY reason. I would not, for a second, entertain the notion of giving up my friends for romance. How shallow is that. That would show a real lack of commitment and integrity and loyalty. Who wants to be with someone who can't be loyal? Anyone I would want to be with would have this kind of loyalty also... he would be my best friend, not my ONLY friend.

I'd rather be alone than be a fickle friend.
 lowonfunds
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 250
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 12/22/2007 3:31:00 PM
Just getting in my 2 cents. But from personal experience, I refer to females having male friends as "d*ck in a glass case syndrome". Even if the guy tells the girl he is just her friend, he HAS fantasized about much more and is waitning for her moment of vulnerability. Not always the females fault because women dont quite realize how primative the male gender is!
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 251
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 12/23/2007 8:32:25 AM

well i see it this way....you either want friends or you want a lifetime partner..which is it?


I want (and have) both. No intentions of changing my life to suit some insecure man who presumes all my male friends want to jump my bones. Had my male friends wanted such, surely they'd have tried it by now.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 252
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 12/23/2007 8:44:46 AM
I didn't dance around anything.

The position being taken by many on this thread is that our male friends WANT to sleep with us, hence.. they're not our friends.

My point (undanced around, no less) is if these male friends of mine wanted to sleep with me, surely they'd not have kept quiet about it in all the years we've been friends and made a move as such.

They haven't.. so obviously, they ARE my friends and not just looking to nail me. As some insecure male participants in this thread would have everyone believe.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 253
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:40:04 AM
Women are not going to jettison male friends for the sake of a relationship
likewise, Men should not jettison female friends of a relationship either...

A relationship is not reeally a relatiosnhip if it requires forced changes
~sc~
 ElleShooTiger
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 254
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/10/2009 1:12:50 AM
Interesting thread, but is it acceptable for your partner to have over fifty male friends on her FACEBOOK account? I don't think that's acceptable or normal in a relationship. Of course she will have lifelong friends that is normal.


Bwahahaha since when does facebook "friends" signify anything? She can have as many friends on there, for the most part most facebook friends are people we randomly meet or went to school or work with, but RARELY talk to. I have nearly 1k on there but doubt I've talked to more than 100 since I left college, and no way in hell would I delete any of them if a girl started asking questions about who this and that girl are!

If you're going to be the douche that checks her facebook and asks her about every guy, just please go ahead and drop out of the gene pool. My best friend is a female, and she dated somebody who obsessed over her facebook friends until she deleted them, effin loser!!!!

Americans are too damn stuck on SEX! People in other countries are smart enough to realize its not just about sex, but also companionship and being real friends. I have good female friends, yes I might have slept with some of them in the past, but in the end the sex gets pushed to the back burner and you can have fun and be there for one another. Its not just about getting some and running away!

We all in our minds think about having sex with a friend, but only the strong are able to rationalize the fact that a friend is almost always better in the long run. I have a very attractive neighbor who goes out with me quite often, I keep an eye on her if she gets drunk, she introduces me to her friends, and if there are unsuitables around, we'll play the bf/gf gig and run them off. We hang out and BS a lot, and I would never want to ruin a good friendship just for a few hours of pleasure. She is very attractive, but there are also a lot of damn good reasons I would not want to date or get involved with her physically.

Overall, it all boils down to TRUST. If you cant handle your woman talking to another guy without going nuts, you need to get over your insecurity and jealousy!


As has been said many times, if he's just your friend, take your clothes off... if he wraps a blanket around you, and tells you to go get dressed, he's gay( oh sorry, your friend)...
If he tries to have sex with you, then you know for sure....


That is such a childish, petty thing to try.

Where's the option for "I've always wondered what a naked statue would look in my living room"? Haha some people think a naked body = sex, they're brains would explode on most european beaches! Get naked all you want, but if the friend benefits vastly outweigh any possible sexual benefits, I'll just sit back and laugh.
 mysteryeyes
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 255
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/10/2009 5:49:34 AM
Some very good points have been brought up in here..
I dont believe that all men are insecure who have a problem withtheir SO being good friends with alot of guys, it could just mean that they have been in similiar circumstances in the past and been lied too or screwed over....

I know everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt but its not always easy to give it...

I do believe that women can be friends with men and nothing more because the women I was dating last had a best friend that was a guy, what you need to do is trust them until they give you a reason not too, understand that you are the man she is sleeping with and wants affection from.....

Take it from me Confidence goes along way with women!
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 256
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/10/2009 9:27:33 AM
The male friends that a boyfriend needs to worry about are the friends she only sees when you aren't around. If she constantly feels the need to have alone time with this male friend, something else is likely going on. If she includes you in her friendship with that guy, this is perfectly ok.
 minako79
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 257
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/10/2009 12:31:11 PM
what about boyfriends keeping in touch with their exes? If there were children involve, it is understandable. i don't think its fair you should be still friends with exes... there a reason why an ex for a reason.
 ElleShooTiger
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 259
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/10/2009 10:17:40 PM

What business has a woman adding so many friends to her facebook friends list when she is already attached? I'll not respond to the idiot who told me to remove myself from the gene pool. If you're with someone you have no business adding complete strangers to your facebook account, end of story.


Are they really "strangers" or people she actually has met in real life from work/school/etc?? Hahahaha you think that by adding people as "friends" to a worthless website she is somehow demeaning your relationship? Facebook could go away tomorrow and most of us wouldnt even remember a lot of the people we had friended over the years. The "friend" concept on there is faaaarrrr from what real friends are, but friend sounded better than "acquaintance" which is what 95% of them are.

You are a loser, and stop stalking her friend list trying to figure out if she is cheating on you with every new added friend. If she has any common sense, she will get tired of your BS and drop you on your ass, and then you will come back here and ask why! There's your answer, stop being so insecure.
 blondiez1970
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 260
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:07:32 AM
I have a few close male friends and 1 female best friend.

I will not give up my friends, male or female for a man who says he doesnt' feel comfortable with our friendship. He is the one who has inseucrites and issues, not me and not my friend. We know what are friendship is and where it is not going, as most men like to think they know what the hidden agenda is of the male friend.

Of course I have heard double standards with opposite sex friendships.

The woman will keep her male friends, because she knows it will not go any further, if it was in question at one point of the relationship, she stated her wishes and he abided by them, and they do not cross that line what so ever, and the man respects his lady friend and will not jeoperdize their friendship by trying to pursue it any further. Her male friends are just that with no sexual interest what so ever.

Men with women friendships, where his girlfriend/wife wants him to stop all contact with his lady friends, is because, she feels insecure, but she also knows, if one of them has an interest of more than friendship, that lady friend will still pursue it at all costs, and putting her male friend in jeoperdy with his wife/gf.

I have seen both happen to people, where their opposite sex friends have tried to break up their relationships because they did have a hidden agenda.

But a majority of us, we have friends that will not do that or pursue anything more than just a friendship. Most women will end a friendship with a man if he tries to do that, men on the other hand will keep their female friend because in the back of their mind, they know if anything happens in their current relationship, they will turn to that one who wants more than a friendship.

I for one feel that both people need to keep their circle of friends, be it male or female.
That person was brought into your life for a reason, and your friendship is hard to come by. True friends are only a handful during your lifetime, so why would you want your significant other to give them up because of your jealousy and insecurities?

My one friend is a man, his girlfriend had studying to do this weekend and told him to just go out, I could not go, but we are all friends, and she knows there is and never will be anything more than just friendship between me and him. Their level of trust, and being secure in their relationship tells alot about them.

When you get into a relationship, your friends becomes your partners friends, if they have a problem with that then maybe you need to end it and find someone who won't.

If you tell your partner to stop talking and or seeing her male friends, then you are the one who has the insecurity and trust issues, and if you feel you can't trust her, then why be with her? If you are jealous, then take a step back and look at yourself and realize that jealousy is ugly and it consumes your every day thoughts and actions, and turns you into this crazy over assuming and accusing person.
 blondiez1970
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 261
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:16:49 AM
Just because you are dating someone means you have to stop being or making friends?

What is so wrong with adding people to your facebook and making new friends?

Really, what is the purpose of your post?

To show your own insecurites, jealousy?

I know many people use myspace, facebook and twitter for networking, business, family, friends, old school friends, college friends etc...

If I had my own business and wanted to network, I would use facebook, and if the man I was with had a problem with that, then it would be his problem not mine.

If you feel she is adding MEN to start her search for a "better speciman", than maybe your insecurities, jealousy and lack of maturity is showing and she doesn't like it and wants out, but will keep you around until that better speciman comes along.

Are you that insecure of yourself, your relationship and trust that you feel she should not be talking to people or adding new friends especially if they are male?

If so, you need to work on your issues then. If you are that way now it will only get worse by your own thinking and actions. Have you just tried to talk to her like a mature rational man and maybe you two can work it out so she can understand your way of thinking and how you feel about it, and you can understand her and why she does it? That would be the only rational mature way of handling things, communication, honesty and trust, if you do not have that, you have nothing but an empty relationship that is doomed from the start.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 264
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:04:00 AM
As a guy I have both men and women friends. I can also say that some(both men and women) can take a position of wanting you to end friendships for thier sake. I had a girlfriend that attempted bad mouthing my friends in an attempt to shorten my leash(so to speak). It doesnt work regardless of men or women. It is an invasion of your personal rights as a human being and your supporting group of people in this walk of life. I realize she/he does this for selfish, self serving reasons which could be control issues, low self esteem, ect. I have cultivated good freinds, and have had them longer than anyother type of relationship. It is unreasonable for anyone to make a request to diminish this freindship.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 265
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Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:38:49 AM
My EXs always had problems with my female friends, yet always had the excuse, 'that's different' when I asked about her male friends.

I don't disapprove of my SO having male friends, I only disapprove of inappropriate behavior with their male friends. A rule I have is if the other person in the relationship did this and it would upset you then it's wrong for you to do it also. The, 'that's different' excuse does not apply and it is NOT different.

One reason so many men and women disapprove of their SOs having opposite sex friends is that so many times something eventually does happen between. It might be a moment of weakness, vulnerability, or spite, but no matter what the excuse, it doesn't change the outcome.
 genuineman04
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 266
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:21:44 PM
A woman should not need other male friends in her life. If she wants to dat e guy, he should be her best friend anyway
 genuineman04
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 267
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:23:04 PM
Actually it's the woman's issue because she obviously needs male attention from multiple sources therefore she is insecure
 genuineman04
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 268
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:34:46 PM
Amen brother. I think it has to do with women liking to cause drama by having multiple men competing for her attention. Say a woman goes out for dinner and a movie with a guy she's romantically interested in, that's a date. If she goes out with a heterosexual male friend for dinner and a movie that's not a date? Wtf? Besides, why would I want to date a woman that can't get along with other women? Same goes with her ex boyfriends. Move on. Being friends with your ex is a barrier to new relationships
 das74
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 269
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 2/15/2010 10:42:24 PM

Alright I have read many threads on this subject and find extremely interesting but I'm confused and wish to be enlighten, I have no intention in causing a flame just to be ENLIGHTEN OK, and you wish to red flag me go head.So what I have read is the majority of the women believe that it is perfectly fine to keep their male friends(not specified if they were single) the base reasons are to keep their male friends is that they were there for them in some kind of crises in their life and that women don't wish to give up that security just in case their relationship fails, But I believe if you Male friends are as good as you say they are they will be there for you whatever circumstance and understand some concerns of your partner, for that to be said also I don't understand why anyone would put friendship infront of your partner, the person you are suppose to care about, maybe someone can ENLIGHTEN me on that please.I recognise the fact that no one has the right to tell anyone who they can stop talking too, actually is unrealistic to except such an concept. I personally don't understand why it would be necessary to have male friends in the first place, my reasoning of have friends is having people to socialize with because you don't have a partner to spend time with isn't that fact or I could be wrong. I also reognize the trust issue but some people just can't handle certain situations and some times you just can't push it on them grant though there are degrees of trust and insecurities to keep in count of. Well I dunno.


This post sounds alot like a whole lot of insecurity..which is followed by counter-transferrence.
Women can maintain a male friendship so long as they have distinct boundaries. Meaning they have no chemistry with a man whom they are "friends" with. end of story.,Perhaps you are thinking with a male brain?
 cherryyblossom
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 270
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 2/16/2010 6:06:47 AM
i do not mind women having male friends. i wonder if women feel the same about men having male friends.
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