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 AUTHOR
 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 4
Abusive RelationshipsPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If one does not love, respect, honour and treat themselves with dignity then one will not receive it in return.

I'm responding to this portion of a post that was posted above. I'm not disagreeing with this. I wanted to add something.

I think there is more to it.

People who get abused give the benefit of the doubt. Trusting a person when they haven't earned the trust. Many of us were raised by a polite family's in a polite society where we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt to accept differences. Abusers take advantage of this, and prey on the one's who were taught well.

Abused people were abused emotionally as kids. They were bashed for thinking for themselves. This makes them easy targets for liars who can manipulate them by shifting blame. Blame them for every wrong the abuser ever did. Abuser will also manipulate others to abuse the victim. They engage their mother, their neighbor, their co-worker, and the garbage man to abuse their victim. It's a set-up, and it's a gang-up. Victims see through this, but they are only going by one episode or two. It's not enough "proof". Not enough proof because they are questioning a person who lies and demands proof in order to get caught. Of course, they deny any proof, even when it's on hard copy. They shift blame on this also.

This is confusing for a person who was taught to be polite. It reels the mind into a headache and to stop the confusion, they say let's stop talking, please let it go. Or even if they fight it out, they keep getting cornered to the point where they either kill or give in. Because they are dealing with a lose, lose situation.

The abuser just got away with another one.

OP: you will gravitate to the abusive. I won't give advice, I hope I wrote enough lines that is common in abuse for you to see it coming if you run into it again.
 betterlate
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/9/2007 10:52:39 PM
Monique, it is not going to be hard for you!!! IT is going to be hard for the abuser, he is going to have to start all over again, being charming, and attentive and sweet while under the surface he is angry and hostile,

this should be a peice of cake for you, now you know the red flags, when a person comes on strong and sooo sweet at first, you know it is an act until proven other wise. I suggest strongly that before getting to far into the relationship with anyone, you meet their friends, ask questions, meet family ask questions, then if at any time during the first five minutes to five weeks that any red flags come up, dump them and do not listen to the apologies or promises...
you are not vunerable....to what? you didnt do anything wrong, you just beleived a liar. That doesnt make you anything but a sweet person that got scammed.

Just do not settle for less than wonderful!!!! Dont be ready to accept the first guy that asks, be picky!!! Guys are like busses, there is another one coming in a few minutes, do not let them tell you how the relationship proceeds.

Dont be pressured into going out sooner than you want, staying out later if you do go, dont let them talk you into anything.

YOu are in charge and say, dont worry all guys are not like that, but you have to be selective and it helps if you will write down all of the things that you admire, desire and are compatable with in a man, describe in detail what it is that you really would be so happy with, they use it as a check list...

Good luck...
BL
 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 6
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:35:10 PM
trying out this box thing out of the box?
 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 7
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:45:43 PM

That was embarrassing trying it again
I'll complain about the stuff in your post that I just boxed
 catman40
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 8
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 6:28:20 PM
A girl I work is 25 . her boyfreind is abusive toward her . I ahve told her and told her to leave him . BUT she says she loves him and NOW after ALL talk of not just me but everyone else . she goes and gets pregant . I have said " if is was younger . I would not mind going out with you ". but a 25 year old and 40 year old . yeah would seem like i was dating my duagher .
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 9
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:46:09 PM
I am 6’2” 182 pounds - she is 5’2” 105 pounds ................ I know I know it don’t sound possible but ..........

Twenty years later I was totally worthless.

Inch by inch - day by day - I went from a normal person with a good amount of self esteem/confidence/pride to totally worthless.

It took her 20 years but she got started right away - and she got the job done.

She started "training" me about six months into the marriage.

I became convinced that I was totally worthless - undesirable to females and I should leave her the hell alone until I was told different.

I have since figure out that I was one of her training tools on her way to becomming and independent woman.

Don’t ever let anyone hold the only key to your self-esteem. No matter how much you love them. YOU hold the key to your self-esteem. A very hard earned lesson for me.

If you don't feel important to someone you are not important to them.

If you live in hope that someday it will change - it will not change.

If you think - maybe when the kids get older - it still will not change.

If you think you can love them enough it will change - it still will not change.

If you wait years for it to be your turn (our turn) it will never come.
 NYSJ63
Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 10
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:18:44 PM
My ex wife was mentally and emotionally abusive as well. It wasn't a constant thing at first. At times she was caring and loving,great to be around. Then something would shift in her and set her off,almost like a Jekyll and Hyde type of change and then she would become abusive. She got more so as the years went on until at the end she did things like crushed my pinky finger in the door slamming it shut on it and picking up my pet guinea pig and threatening to throw him against the floor. She in turn grew up in a mentally and emotionally abusive childhood. Her father used to drink alot and would call her names,mock her weight and intellegence as she was growing up added to that being harrassed at school by the "popular girls" so she had alot to deal with in all of that.
She was also frustrated by the fact she had an art degree yet couldnt find a job in the field and wound up having to work in the office of a car dealership.
She always said he was envious of how much talent I had artistically compared to her nd because I actually made money at it occasionally.
Her mother was also influential on her behavior,always telling her to "keep hammering away until she makes me the way she wanted me to be".
She couldnt do much to hurt me physically because of my size except for catching me off guard with slamming my finger in the door but in many ways her other forms of abuse were alot worse on me. The worst part is I do miss her and keep wondering if I had done something different maybe she wouldnt have been that way so much.
Towards the end her mood swings got worse,to the point she was on zoloft,which she used to drink wine after taking.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 11
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:57:17 AM
It really does help if you take the focus off the person and put it on yourself.

I rolled around in the bottom of the tank for three years. On August 19th last year I made the choice to stop thinking backwards and start thinking future. I acquired many many e-books on self-esteem and other aspects and have not looked back since.

When your self esteem gets back to normal thinking - you just don’t let people treat you bad.

We are the keeper of the only key to our self esteem.

I only wish I had actually understood that 20 years ago. Better late than never.
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 12
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History
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:20:29 PM
Op: this thred is packed full of absolute great information and suggenstions. I hope you carefully read it all. However, being an abuse survivor myself..(among other things) the best advice I can give is.... Slow down. Find ways to get your focus on yourself. forget about..."getting back into the dating game, etc" for now. that is Not what you need. You need to heal and grow first. You need to become educated. and... you may very well need...recovery! I did!

for me, the program that saved my life was Alanon. (My last wife was an alcoholic also....besides being very abusive) I learned that in spite of our best intentions... and what we 'believe' to be the knowledge we have learned from our last bad experience... we will usually fail without help. We need to be around others who...' understand as perhaps few others can'... and who willingly share their experiences, strengths and hopes. Forums are great... but, can Never replace things like recovery.

don't be a wounded soldier who thinks they can go back into battle just because they have seen one uniform of the enemy. You need to learn all about the enemy, and you need to aquire a whole lot better protective gear and armnement. You prob. can't do this all by yourself. good luck.
 catman40
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 13
abuse
Posted: 3/20/2007 7:29:44 AM
I am one of those guys who WANTS to help BUT this girl at work is only 20 and I am 40 . what can I do ? I think of age differance as a ba d thing . her boyfreind is SOOOO protective of her . HE does not want her to look or talk to any guys . So where do I come in ?
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 15
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History
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 3/23/2007 2:04:46 AM
monique, you are so young and have a very long and prosperous life ahead of you. do not rush. find out what you are interested in doing and learning. follow that path and the rest will follow you.

i was raised in an abusive alcoholic home. however, my dad's sad but saving grace was that when he was not drunk, he would share his last crumb of bread with you. my guess, in retrospect, was that he was self medicating for depression that resulted from his terrible childhood.

i found al anon for friends and family members in my early 20's. it got mE through my first marriage and later/more recently through the raising of my fost/adopt teens. those lessons were even harder!

i over reacted and made sure to find a "gentler" husband the second time around. that was an even worse story. however, with each experience, i learned life's lessons. i am now working on a relationship that ended temporarily while we each worked on ourselves and actually remained platonic during that period while we continued to do things together. actually we met online (another site), but lived close enough to explore a real relationship. both of us are committed to self growth, but to tell you it's easy would be a lie. i can, however, tell you that the work is thus far worth every minute of it. furthermore, being much older, we are both more set in our ways. i think that may also be called "CRANKY"! .

if you can find a support group like al anon or codependents anonymous (CODA), i strongly urge you to find "family" beyonD your immediate family. it offers you a social structure which will substitute for the need to have an immediate partner and fill in the loneliness while you are "getting it together". also there is ala tot, ala kid and ala teen so that your child need not repeat the pattern
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 16
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History
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:24:16 AM
Work on yourself. Exercise, work out, eat right, give yourself a makeover. Make yourself feel really good. Make friends with men, when RED flags begin, set a boundary, if the boundaries get violated, _____GET OUT! I did not get out in time when I set a boundary and let the abuse continue and things got worse until we had to go in and out of court. Now he is dating my girlfriend who is the one who took pics of my bruises he gave me last year. Some friend! She is the one who told me continually to get out of the relationship and now she is hanging out with him and refuses to talk with me. I don't need friends like this! Even the women are abusive to me and not loyal. The women I know are golddiggers and will cut the throat of their girlfriends for a man! How pitiful. I don't need friends like this-----so I am de-cluttering my life and forming healthy relationships too. The problem is that the events I do, which are healthy, I continue to see these old "unhealthy ex-friends" at who continue to watch who I talk to and them form relationships with these people after these see me form friends with them and bad-mouth me to them. I of course, have no control over anyone but myself. Alot of people like gossip though and would rather be friends with someone who has juicy gossip and can benefit them in some way. I am not like that. I try to reach out to others and try to forgive those that have hurt me. Sometimes, though, we have to break it off from abusive people, if they continue to abuse----even our families. Form new friendships with others with a kindred spirit and listen to your gut. Be yourself---don't change and be willing to learn new things. Network and work on yourself. Don't try to fit in---just be yourself and keep working on yourself and clicking into the things you like to do.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 18
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History
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 4/10/2014 7:41:38 PM
" Monique, it is not going to be hard for you!!! IT is going to be hard for the abuser, he is going to have to start all over again, being charming, and attentive and sweet while under the surface he is angry and hostile..."


Yes! the abuser will have to charm another victim to try to control her.

Most women, in an abusive relationship, report that they did not see it evolving. The abuser is not going to win the prize he seeks if he is aggressive, nasty & mean in the early part of the relationship.

Many high functioning, well established women have reported abuse. The first 3-4 months are wonderful and then slowly the abuser begins to wear his victim down. It is cyclic with abuse and then apologies followed by a "honeymoon period".

Lundy Bancroft writes an excellent book "Why does he do that?" ---> Lundy is a male therapist with superior advice and understanding of abusers. He has worked over 25 years treating and hearing the abusers manipulative excuses.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 20
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History
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 4/11/2014 7:59:56 PM
Bingo

This is my story---I got out rather quickly---the first 4 months were wonderful.

And yes (as you said) he was a victim as his wife had committed suicide. I thought I could soothe his pain. The next 14 months was a chaotic roller coaster of highs and lows.

Luckly, he tired of me and said he had to move on:)
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 21
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 1/20/2015 12:39:53 AM
Oh I love having my guts emotionally eviscerated, I can't wait to get in line for that again.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 22
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 1/20/2015 3:40:58 AM
If you made bad choices in the past with guys, you need to take a serious look at yourself and ask why??? Was your father emotionally abusive or other significant men in your life??? We are attracted to what feels familiar, even when it is negative.
I would not bother with trying to find someone new until you have sorted out your issues more fully. I dont know how long you allowed any of these guys to abuse you, but you need to ask yourself why you stayed at all. There are worse things than being single and perhaps you need to build up your self esteem and fill your life with interests and friends.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 23
Abusive Relationships
Posted: 1/20/2015 7:54:36 PM

Find out what kind of person they are before you start dating them


Paradox



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