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Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 167
Post a JOKEPage 2 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
I hope this doesn't offend any one.......
This is a story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.
There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are
expecting! Not one for school assembly.
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh.. if that fly goes
down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes
down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will
grab the fish!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought,
"if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for
it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the
bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a
lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly
goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ... and
that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and
drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time). "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps
for that fly .. And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter
shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ...
Then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for
the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear
grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese
The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks... The cat falls into
the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
some **** is in serious danger.
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 177
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/30/2007 7:22:07 AM
>A great fishing story

> A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was
sitting in is
>boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
>He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was
dreaming when
>he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
> He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was
a frog.
> The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
> The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss
>me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
seen. I'll
>then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have
dreamed of."
>The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up
>carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
>Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what
> I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual
pleasures like you
>have never had.
>"He opened his pocket, looked at the frog
> and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 184
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/5/2007 7:44:31 PM
Did you ever hear the one about the wayward police officer...who jumped on his whistle and blew his horse?
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 187
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/6/2007 9:30:21 PM
no kidding that was sure win for selanne and for finns around the world
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 188
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/6/2007 9:31:46 PM
no kidding that was sure win for selanne and for finns around the world
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 192
Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/13/2007 6:29:52 AM
> Just because someone does not love you the way you
want them to,
>doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
> Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day
>while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
>jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed
>there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and
>pulled Jim out.
> When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act,
>she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now
>considered her mentally stable.
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna,
I have good
>news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged;
since you
>were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the
>life of another that you have a sound mind. The bad news is,
Jim, the
>patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt
>right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry. How
>soon can I go home?"
 zombies are chasing me
Joined: 4/5/2007
Msg: 198
Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/16/2007 5:55:38 AM
why is 8 afraid of 7?

..cause 7 8 9

whats the fastest way to unload a truck full of babies?


best way to drown a blond?

...scratch and sniff sticker on bottom of a pool

There once was a lady form Venus who's body was shaped like a...

Yeah, your a perv just admit it.
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 201
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:31:47 PM
In answer to your questio on your pro..
A polar bear's weight;
Weight: Average adult male 900 lbs. Average adult female 500 lbs.
As for as people on welfare.
Employers that hire people through welfare work reform are not required to pay min wage,and get a huge tax break.
There is no welfare anymore.
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 202
view profile
Post a JOKE/Might as Well Go Fishing
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:36:43 PM
Might as Well Go Fishing
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 203
view profile
Post a JOKE/Question and answer
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:37:53 PM
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 204
view profile
Post a JOKE/George W.Bush Quotes/ha-ha
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:40:01 PM
George W. Bush Quotes

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
...George W. Bush

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
...George W. Bush

Public speaking is very easy.
...George W. Bush to reporters

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to
the polls. ...George W. Bush

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
...George W. Bush 9/22/97

For NASA, space is still a high priority.
...George W. Bush, 9/5/93

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
...George W. Bush, 9/18/95

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
George Bush may or may not make.
...George W. Bush

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
...Governor George W. Bush

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
...George W. Bush

[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
...George W. Bush
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 205
view profile
Post a JOKE/ Subject: Tragedy Strikes/HAHA
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:41:33 PM
Subject: Tragedy Strikes

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the
Personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the
Books were kept. Both books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as
He had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 206
view profile
Post a JOKE/ Priorities
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:50:40 PM
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 207
view profile
Post a JOKE/ Gone Fishin'?
Posted: 6/19/2007 3:53:52 PM
A man took weekend fishing trips twice a month. His wife got used to them, and was sure to have all of his things packed when he came home after work on Friday. After some months of the same routine, she became concerned as to whether or not he actually was going fishing, but without any proof she wasn't going to confront him. One Sunday evening after returning from his "fishing" weekend, he confronted his wife. "All I ask from you is that you have my things ready when I get home from work. And this weekend, you forgot to pack me any clean underwear. Do you have any idea how I feel wearing the same underwear for 3 days?" The wife defended herself, "I didn't forget to pack your clean underwear." He snapped back, "Well, I didn't have any hen I got to the lake. Where'd you pack them, they weren't in my suitcase." "No, " she replied, "this time I packed them in your tackle box."
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 212
view profile
Post a JOKE/Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Posted: 6/28/2007 5:25:01 PM

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 222
quick witted
Posted: 8/18/2007 5:42:58 PM
From the August 1959 Readers Digest:

A little old lady was crossing the street when the traffic signal changed.
An impatient driver rudely honked at her.
Quick as a wink, the little old lady spun around, pointed at his hood and said, "Smoke, Smoke!"
Tthe driver got out and opened his hood, as the little old lady went around and blasted his horn.
Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 223
view profile
Religious differences; divorce lawyers
Posted: 8/25/2007 6:09:01 PM
"I just broke up with a guy. We broke up for reglious reasons. He failed to worship me." - Thea Vidale, female comic on "Last Comic Standing"

Q: What happens when your ex's divorce lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

I used to think that all male divorce lawyers wore turtlenecks. Then I realized it was just that they weren't circumsized.
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 224
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/6/2007 6:48:37 PM
This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it ?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?............
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 225
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/7/2007 9:26:13 AM
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 226
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/7/2007 4:21:39 PM
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.
Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her.
Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real Bit'ch tonight, Dave."
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 227
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/7/2007 4:29:08 PM
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heavens gate, waiting to
be interviewed by St. Peter. Jimmy:
How did you get here? Johnny:
You? Jimmy:
You wont believe it.
I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I
came home early one day hoping to find the guy.
I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack. Johnny:
Oh man,
if you'd only checked the walk-in freezer wed both be still alive!
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 228
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/7/2007 4:31:06 PM
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
Joined: 5/22/2005
Msg: 229
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/7/2007 8:30:01 PM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before she could say FUK, the Rottweiler ate her!"
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 230
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/9/2007 9:28:04 AM
Love Thy Wife
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."!
Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 231
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 11/9/2007 9:34:52 AM

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines.
"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.
"A bowl of Soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says,
"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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