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 AUTHOR
 dfctr
Joined: 1/5/2007
Msg: 91
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History
HarryPage 3 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
actually i missed this bit about Harry. the ignorant fella was sure he had missed a great job. he thought that place was up in the country somewhere far away. $$$$$$$
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 103
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/3/2007 7:49:37 PM
This was a joke told to me by my little cousin.

How do you catch an elephant with a pit full of ash surrounded by peas?
You wait for the elephant to take a pea and kick him in the ash.

It's so cute being told that joke by a child. I just cracked up.
 difficultone04
Joined: 6/23/2004
Msg: 108
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 8:49:59 AM
HARRY THE BETTING MAN!


Bill's friend Harry arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit
accompanied by his
attorney

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that
you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do
you explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and I
usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Harry removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into
that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy
could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely,
and pretty much pissed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But
then he noticed that Harry's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Harry bet me twenty
thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
 Girlflower
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 111
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/14/2007 5:01:21 AM
Close Call


I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my finance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total s hock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 yayawhatever
Joined: 10/24/2006
Msg: 112
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:14:33 AM
How can you tell if a pig's in heat?


wait......................................................



Come on boys this one's easy.........................................


wait...............................................................


Still don't know the answer?...........................................................








She buys the first round!
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 122
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History
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/21/2007 6:47:55 AM
Why did the snowman drop his pants??

He saw the snowblower coming.

Lame I know.lol
 dumberthanowlshit
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 123
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/21/2007 1:23:10 PM
A girl goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. While they are at the table, to here horror she has to fart. She tries her best to muffle it, but was so embarassed until the father looks down at the family dog lying behind her and says. "Buck!!!!" ReliEved that the dog got the blame she goes about eating..when..Oh No...she can't control it, a bigger fart slips out, again in a louder voice the dad says..BUCK!!! Whew...good thing the dog is getting the blame. Towards the end of the meal, she felt free to relieve an even bigger gas pain with a huge fart, but was assured that the dog would get the blame..The father says in a louder voice...BUCK!!!!! GET AWAY FROM HER BEFORE SHE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!!!...
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 124
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History
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/21/2007 1:37:17 PM
A bunch of guys are out at the bar, all had a few too many, The guy driving home gets pulled over, he rips a label off a beer bottle, And places it on his forehead, Cop gets to the window and asks if he was drinking, He says no, I'm on the patch.
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 126
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History
Technical Update
Posted: 5/21/2007 5:03:23 PM
Raerae, your fired
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 128
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History
Technical Update
Posted: 5/22/2007 7:28:00 AM
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower??


Give her a shovel.

Dang thats gonna look bad on my profile
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 129
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History
Technical Update
Posted: 5/22/2007 7:31:29 AM
No prob raerae, Do you have bus fare?
 Mystic77
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 130
Technical Update
Posted: 5/22/2007 8:01:40 AM
Towards the end of the golf course, both Dave and his buddy hit their
Balls into the woods. Dave found his in a patch of pretty yellow
Buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just
About every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
Woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
Me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
Popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter
For your toast for the rest your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never
Have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend. "Fred,
Where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the **** willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

DON'T SWING!"
 morefunwith2
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 141
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 6:51:55 AM

"Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

Oh my gad that is one of the sickest jokes I ever heard!!!!

A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
 FloridaBrunette
Joined: 2/22/2007
Msg: 143
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 11:45:08 AM
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.


"Not yet," said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.


Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?


Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, grumpy, and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 144
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 12:18:10 PM
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called.
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 145
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 12:27:47 PM
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy ***hole would've tried that shit with me!"
 FloridaBrunette
Joined: 2/22/2007
Msg: 146
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 12:28:42 PM
This man met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, they drank a bit, and she asked if he had ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome. he said no. They drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night. He went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"
 TrulyStephanie
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 147
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History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/24/2007 6:40:21 PM
Toooo cute, I opened this joke that was e-mailed to me by a friend... made me laugh, especially after reading some posts on "how and why men feel the way they do about a women's body size...

Perfect timing...

*Subject:* WOMEN'S ASS STUDY


> > There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses,
> > the results were pretty interesting:
> >
> > 30% of women think their ass is too fat...
> > 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
> > The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
> > and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
> >

Now, Now, it's only a joke...
 FloridaBrunette
Joined: 2/22/2007
Msg: 148
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 8:53:10 AM
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare
go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
 dumberthanowlshit
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 149
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 4:34:28 PM

Yo mammas so old she knew the dead sea when it was still sick!




So...Yo mammas so fat...when she goes campin..the bears hide Their food!!!
 dumberthanowlshit
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 150
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/25/2007 4:47:08 PM
A blonde and her husband are in bed sleeping late on night. The phone rings..startled, she picks it up listens for a few seconds and says "HOW SHOULD I KNOW..I LIVE IN MISSOURI!!!!) Shaken, the husband asked who it was...she said...I don't know, some dumb broad wanted to know if the coast was clear!!!...
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