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Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 315
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oh boyPage 4 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 316
view profile
the woods
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:23:24 PM
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, " after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too." ; "Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too!" "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 317
view profile
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:23:53 PM
What does a lawyer use for birth control?..........................His personality.
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 318
Post a JOKE - Boys will be boys
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:06:12 AM
Two guys are sitting at the bar. They strike up a conversation and continue to drink heavily.
Couple of hours later, they are still drinking and the conversation has turned into a bragging rights competition...each of them trying to out do the other with tales regarding, women bedded, heaviest weight benched, sports played, trophies won, bar fight victories, money banked, and cars owned.

During a heated debate of who was the toughest of the 2, the one man declared that he would PROVE just how tough he was. He insisted he could take a running charge at the window and hurl himself out of it, and not even break the skin.
The other man scoffed "Sit down you drunken fool, don't ya remember where you are? This bar is 8 stories off the ground!!" He raised his glass to take another gulp when all of a sudden, the guy jumps up, starts running towards the window.

* SMASH* goes the glass and out he goes. Believing his new friend has just bit the bullet, he rushes to the broken window and peers down. As he tries to peer through the darkness, he is stunned to hear a familiar voice come from behind him "Told ya I could do it"
Amazingly, there he sits, unscathed, back on his barstool calmly lighting a cigarette. The other guy, is dumbfounded. "How the F*CK did you do that? I SAW you FALL OUT THE WINDOW!!"
Mind over matter my friend. 8 stories isn't that high really. My legs are strong and as long as I remember to bend my knees a little, I land as if I have just jumped off a bed. "Watch, I'll do it again.. and once again he runs, jumps out the window, and a minute later, comes strolling back into the bar without a scratch.

Seeing him do this with such apparent ease, and listening to how the trick is to be sure to bend the knees, the other guy through his drunken haze, becomes increasingly convinced that he can do it too. The other guy fuels him even more by teasing him "You can't do it, you're too much of a girly boy to be able to pull off something that cool" .Determined to shut this idiot he goes...charging towards the window and leaps out. His screams is cut short by a blood curdling *THUD* as he torpedoes hed first into the cement sidewalk below.
The other guy, still sat at the bar, starts snickering and gigggling uncontrollably as the ambulance arrives.
The bartender leans across the bar and says to him "You know something Superman, you can be a a real jack ass when you're drunk .

 Lucy Lucy loo
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 324
Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:40:34 PM
Funny have any more health facts?
 Lucy Lucy loo
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 325
Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:44:34 PM
A lot of babies do look like monkeys and aliens.
Joined: 4/26/2008
Msg: 329
Sick humor...
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:16:26 AM
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong , the ship sinks, and there are
only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that
she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Bob and Tom resistance to nature urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie
 Lucy Lucy loo
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 331
Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:59:46 PM
Stop it, I have to work in the morning.....
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 332
Post a JOKE
Posted: 8/23/2008 11:38:43 AM
An Iranian millionaire parks his Ferrary in front of a bank in New York, approaches the manager and says " I need to borrow from you $5,000 for one week" , the manager " Sir, we need a collateral for that", the Iranian dude - " My new Ferrary which is worth $250,000 is parked on your parking - here are the keys, and I can also sign the collateral which says if I won't return the $5,000 by the end of the week, you can have it". The manager says - "That's fine".

After a week the Iranian dude is coming and asking " How much do I owe you?" The manager says " $5,017.85, since over the one week you generated an interest which is equal to $17.85". The Iranian dude is paying and getting the keys.

When Iranian is about to leave, the manager is asking " Sir, can I ask you something? We have checked your ID and found out that you are a multy-millionaire . Why would you pay $17,85 extra for borrowing $5,000 while you could have that cash easily from your own funds?"

The Iranian dude " Where else in New York I could park my Ferrary for a week for only $17.85".

Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 333
Blonde Joke
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:50:14 AM
Blonde call Fire Department....fireman asks how do we get there? Blonde thinks for a minute then a BIG RED TRUCK!
Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/17/2008 4:43:39 AM
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
She was curious about the guy over there 'laying bricks'........

Why did the Turkey cross the road?
The chickens were on strike, duh.
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 345
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 9/21/2008 10:04:23 AM
I love the wife's reaction!
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 362
Post a JOKE
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:15:33 PM
A young man is fighting in the Korean War and develops an embarrassing condition after seeing a local, rather friendly lady who sucky sucky, loved him long time. He goes to see the Army doc who examines him and tells him his illness is incurable and the only treatment is amputation.
As the soldier is walking through camp morosely, a local man stops him and asks him why he is crying. The lad explains his plight and the Korean tell him "You go see man in village. He know all herb and can cure everything. You see him, he fix you. No dollah."
Our hero makes his way through the jungle to the hut of the man, who was at least 150 years old and looked like he just fell of a charm bracelet. The man's home is filled with herbs and roots and barks and powders of every imaginable plant. The youth explains his problem and ends with a tear, saying " The doc told me the only way to cure it is to cut it off."
The old man looked for a moment and said, "Not to worry. No cut off."
The soldier was relieved and had begun his happy dance until the old man continued "... fall off all my self. Two, three days."

Rock on..

Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 365
Post a JOKE
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:53:35 PM
An Irishman finds a sandwich in the road with two red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "help, be-jeesus! I’ve just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb!" the operator says, "is it ticking?" "No", says the Irishman. "I tink it’s beef!"
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 370
Post a Joke
Posted: 10/22/2008 1:15:17 PM
An Italian Boy's Confession

”Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

”Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I'll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
 Egregious Philbin
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 373
view profile
Harry Pooter and the Chamber of Secretions
Posted: 11/2/2008 11:13:18 PM
What's the difference between rape and seduction?

Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 390
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:14:13 PM
Two Irish men are in an Irish Pub drinking together.
Drunk #1: "Where were ya born?"
Drunk #2: "In Dublin"
Drunk #1: "I was born in Dublin, too! A drink to Dublin!"

Drunk #1: "Tell me, where did ya go ta school?"
Drunk #2: "I went ta school at St. Mary's"
Drunk #2: "I went to St. Mary's too! A drink to St. Mary's!"

Drunk #1: "Tell me, what was yer mother's name?"
Drunk #2: "Me mother's name was Bridget"
Drunk #1: "Me mother's name was Bridget too! A drink to me mother!"

Another customer is watching all this and comments to the bartender, "Man that's unbelievable how much those 2 guys have in common! What a coincidence!"

Bartender: "Oh that's just the O'Malley twins DRUNK AGAIN!"
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 391
Posted: 11/28/2008 8:19:42 PM
A man wants to have sex with his wife but she declines, saying "No, not tonight, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning. Maybe tomorrow night". He's very disappointed, goes to the kitchen to make a sandwich, thinks about it for a while. Then comes back and asks his wife, "Hey honey, you don't have a DENTIST appointment tomorrow do you?"
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 393
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/5/2008 9:09:18 PM
What is 3 two letter words that mean 'small'?

Is it in?
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 394
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 12/6/2008 12:14:34 AM
Sent to me from a friend.


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started.... *********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started. ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... ***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... ***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started..... ************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please. 'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started...
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 396
Post a Joke
Posted: 3/17/2009 7:49:01 PM
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
Joined: 6/6/2005
Msg: 398
view profile
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/19/2009 3:46:55 PM
On a hot sunny day a Texan walks into a bar and says,Im so thirsty I can lick the sweat off a Bulls balls", With that ,a gay guy stands up and says, Moo Moo Cowboy!
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 400
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:20:02 PM
A woman is out on a hot day, sweating and mowing the lawn while her husband sits in the shade in his lawn chair, drinking an ice-cold beer. The woman next door glares over the hedge and hisses at the husband "You should be hung!" The husband looks up and smiles. "I am," he replies. "That's why she's mowing the lawn."

Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 401
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/20/2009 10:25:22 PM
Sacre Bleu!

An elderly man, walking through the French countryside, spotted a couple making love in a field. His thought returned to his youth. "Ah, young love. Ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!"
He continued to watch and remember the good old days, when he gasped. "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman! She is not moving. She is dead!"
He hurried back to town to tell Jean, the precinct police chief. Once there, he shouted, "Zere is zis man, zis woman, naked, in Farmer Gaston's field, making love."
The police chief smiled. "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l'amour!"
"Mais non! You do not understand! Ze woman: She is not moving, she is dead!"
Whereupon Jean leapt from his chair, rushed out of the station, pedaled to Farmer Gaston's field, confirmed Henri's story, and then pedaled back to a telephone to call Pierre, the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean. In Gaston's field, zere is a naked young couple having sex!"
Pierre replied, "Jean, Jean. I am a man of science. You must remember: it ees spring, ze air, ze flowers, ah, l'amour! Zis ees natural."
Jean replied, "Non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is not moving, she is dead!"
Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black bag, jumped in his car, and drove to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants, he drove calmly back to the station.
When he got there, he went inside, smiled patiently, and said to Henri and Jean, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she ees not dead. She ees American!
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 405
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/30/2009 4:53:43 PM
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