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 WindWhisperzz
Joined: 12/27/2010
Msg: 802
Post a JokePage 41 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
Left a Fortune
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
 kinksrayfan
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 803
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/25/2013 7:54:15 AM
Q: What do you get when you cross a psychiatrist and a judge?
A: Delusions of grand jury.
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 804
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/25/2013 4:55:23 PM
BEST JOKE OF 2013 (so far)

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 Consensuality
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 805
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/27/2013 2:22:03 PM
Why did the nice guy get mad at the light bulb?

'Cause no matter how many compliments he gave it still wouldn't screw.
 rigrox
Joined: 2/15/2013
Msg: 806
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/27/2013 3:18:42 PM
A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 807
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/27/2013 9:19:59 PM
The cops just came by my house and said my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them that was a lie, my dog can't ride a bike.
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 808
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/4/2013 11:45:51 AM
A Redneck Love Poem:

Susie Lee done fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all, she told her Pappy so.

Her Pappy told her, Susie Gal, yo'll have to find another,
I'd just as soon yo Ma don't know, but Joe is yo half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this, he said,'there's trouble still.'

Yo cain't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo Mother.
But Joe and Will and several mo' I know is yo half brother.

But Mama knew and said my child, jes do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe; yo ain't no kin to Pappy.
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 809
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/4/2013 1:27:07 PM
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.


Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.


The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.


The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.


At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 810
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/7/2013 7:37:51 PM
Words of wisdom



SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ***hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing
one, when he was shot by the woman's husband
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 811
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/9/2013 8:46:46 AM
' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives
that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this
with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!

__________________________________________________________________

Q. Why is the bride dressed in white?

A. So the "dishwasher" matches the fridge and stove.
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 812
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/11/2013 7:45:38 AM
Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM!
 StarPower88
Joined: 9/28/2011
Msg: 813
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/14/2013 1:12:59 PM
The first part of this clip of me speaking is funny http://youtu.be/ce5EHM5Wat4
 skull04
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 814
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/16/2013 4:10:43 AM
Neil goes to a book store and asks the pretty young salesgirl , "Have you got the book for men with really small penises`?" , the young lady says ," I don`t think it`s in yet ", Neil says , " yeah ,that` the one "
 skull04
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 815
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/16/2013 4:27:55 AM
I went to get on the bus this morning , the Pakistani driver said ,"I`m jam packed full" , I said I don`t care what your name is,I just want a ride"................They say that beer contains female hormones,they could be right,after 15 or 16 beers I talk sh#t and can`t drive................Getting old is scary,I went upstairs yesterday and forgot what I went up there for,I thought for a minute then went back downstairs,that`s when I sh#t myself.........My new thai girlfriend says that having a small penis should`nt affect our sex life, she may be right,but I`d still prefer she did`nt have one.............I could`nt find the thingo that peels the carrots and potatoes,so asked the kids if they`d seen it.They told me she left me yesterday..........Ah, remember the good old days,when we were cruising in the car,I stuck my bum out the window , you stuck your head , and everyone thought we were twins....
 skull04
Joined: 1/26/2013
Msg: 816
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/16/2013 5:48:28 AM
I went to a dog zoo today,would you believe that they only had one dog? It was a shitzhu
 CaptainAmerica300
Joined: 2/16/2013
Msg: 817
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/17/2013 5:50:09 PM
Funny, very funny!

Do you know why pubic hairs are curly? So you won't get your eyes poked out when your down there!

Ok, How does a pterodactyl sound when it is peeing? It doesn't the "P" is silent.
 _FishingForAMermaid_
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 818
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/18/2013 8:21:49 AM
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 819
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/9/2013 6:44:09 PM
Yo mamma so fat...she claims 5 dependants every year on her income tax forms, for only herself. And the IRS lets her.
 beabillionaire
Joined: 1/28/2013
Msg: 820
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/10/2013 2:15:21 PM
Why don't women wear watches?

There's a clock on the oven!!
 kansasflyboy
Joined: 9/30/2013
Msg: 821
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 2/11/2014 8:48:35 AM
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives. --- Twice.
 00Spy
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 822
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/20/2014 5:50:28 PM
Death of the old cow

Late one night, a cow runs out into the middle of a country road, and is hit
by a limousine, which kills it instantly. The woman in the back seat -- in
her usual abrasive manner -- says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check
on that poor cow--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead...
but also remarks that it appeared to be very old.

Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in
that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his
hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. "Good Lord, what happened to
you?" asks the woman.

The chauffeur replied, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the
daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

"Well, I just knocked on the door... and when it opened I said to them, 'I'm
Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow'."

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?
 April1963
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 823
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/20/2014 5:55:23 PM
The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people
After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like IRAN ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.
 00Spy
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 824
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/21/2014 5:48:49 PM
Obama walks into Chase Bank and says to the teller, “Good morning, could you cash this check for me”? “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?” She replies. Obama says, “sorry, I didn’t think I needed to bring it with me after all I am the president!” The teller tells him, “yes sir, I know who you are but with all the government regulations I need that ID. But look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?” Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says,”honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can’t think of a single thing I can do.” The teller turns to him and says, ”great, will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 825
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/22/2014 5:10:59 AM
A long time ago, God destroyed the world and killed everybody (except for a few) with water - rain, and flooding.

One of the dudes who was spared and lived through the great flooding, wanted to have a chat with God, and ask something of him - "Sir, would you please not make it rain so badly and kill everyone with a great flood again?"

"Ok, I will not destroy your world with global flooding again," God replied, "next time I'll do it with fire."

(That's what it really says in the texts. So we know that they had a sense of humor.)
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 826
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/22/2014 7:49:12 AM
Q: What did Ms Cow say when Mr Pig showed up unexpectedly for a visit?

A: "If I'd known you were coming I'd have made you a pie."
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