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 Tank007
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 101
Post a JOKEPage 5 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
ok here it goes..this blonde women called the fire department freaking out the operator answer and is trying to calm her down the operator says ok ladies now how do we get to your house?? the ladie says DUH IN THE BIG RED TRUCK...
 karibabes
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 102
Post a JOKE
Posted: 4/1/2007 8:30:45 AM
Spring Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Mar. 5, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 P M

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 104
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/3/2007 7:49:37 PM
This was a joke told to me by my little cousin.

How do you catch an elephant with a pit full of ash surrounded by peas?
You wait for the elephant to take a pea and kick him in the ash.

It's so cute being told that joke by a child. I just cracked up.
 difficultone04
Joined: 6/23/2004
Msg: 109
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 8:49:59 AM
HARRY THE BETTING MAN!


Bill's friend Harry arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit
accompanied by his
attorney

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that
you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do
you explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and I
usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Harry removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into
that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy
could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely,
and pretty much pissed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But
then he noticed that Harry's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Harry bet me twenty
thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 110
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 10:09:57 AM
Wacky Definitions - 2Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil.

Mad Money: A psychiatrist's fee.

Marriage: A long banquet with the dessert served first.

Marriage: The number 1 cause of divorce.

Mistress: A cutie on the Q.T.

Racehorse: An animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Race Track: A place where windows clean people.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.

Show off: A child that is more talented than yours.

Stalemate: An ex-spouse.

Sterilize: What you do with your first child's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last child's pacifier by blowing on it.

Strip Poker: The one game where the more that you lose, the more that you have to show for it.

Sugar Daddy: Man who can afford to raise Cain.

Taxpayers: People who don't have to take a civil service examination to work for the government.

Valentine's Day: A day in which you hope for a candlelit dinner, diamonds, and chocolates, but consider yourself lucky if you get a card.

Vice-versa: Dirty poems.

Voluptuous Woman: One who has curves in places where some girls don't even have places.

Window Dresser: A girl who doesn't pull down the shades.

Zombie: What some men drink and others marry.
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 111
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/13/2007 10:11:40 AM
Wacky Definitions - 1Alimony: Bounty on the Mutiny

Appetizers: Little things that you eat until you lose your appetite.

Argument: A discussion in which you're right, but the other person hasn't realized it.

Bachelor: A rolling stone who gathers no boss.

Bachelor: One who's footloose and fiancée free.

Bachelor: A man who has missed the chance to make a woman miserable.

Bachelor: A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both.

Bachelor Pad: A wildlife sanctuary.

Ballet: For women only.

Bigamy: The same as Marriage: Having one wife too many.

Blonde Jokes: Short jokes that men can remember.

Cantaloupe: Got to get married in a church.

Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits that you already have.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Depression: Anger without enthusiasm.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would like to order dessert.

Ecstasy: Something that happens between the Scotch and soda and the bacon and eggs.

Experience: Knowledge that allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Falsies: Extra padded attractions.

Feedback: The return of food that the baby didn't like.

Football Game: A contest where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.

Full Name: What you call the kids when you're angry at them.

Gigolo: A fee-male.

Gold Digger: A girl who's got what it takes to take what you've got.

Good Clean Fun: A husband and wife taking a bath together.

G.R.I.T.S: Girls Raised in the South

Grocery List: Something you spend 30-minutes writing, and then forget to take to the grocery store.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Happily Married Couple: A husband out with another man's wife.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when someone uses a bad word.

Household Dust: A harmless, natural occurrence that only women notice.

Income Tax: The government's version of instant poverty.

Infantasies: Daydreaming about having a baby.

Instant Credit: Instant debt.

Intellectual Girl: One who can think up excuses that her boyfriend's wife will believe.

Job Forwarding: Termination; being sent to your next job.

Jury: A group of 12 people selected to decide who has the best lawyer.

Lipstick: Lip coloring that enhances a wife's mouth; but on a husband's collar is a color that only a tramp would wear.

Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
 Girlflower
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 112
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/14/2007 5:01:21 AM
Close Call


I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my finance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total s hock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 yayawhatever
Joined: 10/24/2006
Msg: 113
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/14/2007 6:14:33 AM
How can you tell if a pig's in heat?


wait......................................................



Come on boys this one's easy.........................................


wait...............................................................


Still don't know the answer?...........................................................








She buys the first round!
 Robbbyg
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 114
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:54:24 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy
shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at
the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and
bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious."
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 115
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/19/2007 10:03:48 AM
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
 sosaysodo
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 116
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/20/2007 4:25:26 PM
Didja hear about the three legged dog that went into the saloon and exclaimed......

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!


What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang clip clop clip clop?

An Amish drive by.
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 117
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/20/2007 5:07:02 PM
Identify Yourself?

A blonde took a check into a bank to cash it. As she stood before the teller who was examining the check, the teller said, "Can you identify yourself?"

The blonde took a mirror out of her purse, glanced at it, and with relief said, "Yes, it's me all right."
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 118
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/20/2007 5:08:11 PM
Blonde Q & AQ: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call 16 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde in a college?
A: A visitor.
 lower~mainland
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 119
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/20/2007 5:10:44 PM
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", says Johnny, "It's a quarter"
 PolarExpress
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 120
Post a JOKE
Posted: 5/20/2007 7:55:52 PM
THE BARBER

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the
door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3
hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the
shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an
hour and half."

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"




Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

(anon)
 windkist
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 121
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/20/2007 8:39:50 PM
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper
carried this headline:

PREACHERS ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid
of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the
paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day
the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
 califboomergirl
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 122
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/20/2007 11:22:02 PM
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

35. AFTER MOZART DIED, DID HE DECOMPOSE?
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 123
view profile
History
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/21/2007 6:47:55 AM
Why did the snowman drop his pants??

He saw the snowblower coming.

Lame I know.lol
 dumberthanowlshit
Joined: 2/16/2007
Msg: 124
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/21/2007 1:23:10 PM
A girl goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. While they are at the table, to here horror she has to fart. She tries her best to muffle it, but was so embarassed until the father looks down at the family dog lying behind her and says. "Buck!!!!" ReliEved that the dog got the blame she goes about eating..when..Oh No...she can't control it, a bigger fart slips out, again in a louder voice the dad says..BUCK!!! Whew...good thing the dog is getting the blame. Towards the end of the meal, she felt free to relieve an even bigger gas pain with a huge fart, but was assured that the dog would get the blame..The father says in a louder voice...BUCK!!!!! GET AWAY FROM HER BEFORE SHE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!!!...
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 125
view profile
History
Preachers A@@ Shows
Posted: 5/21/2007 1:37:17 PM
A bunch of guys are out at the bar, all had a few too many, The guy driving home gets pulled over, he rips a label off a beer bottle, And places it on his forehead, Cop gets to the window and asks if he was drinking, He says no, I'm on the patch.
 Genrae
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 126
Technical Update
Posted: 5/21/2007 4:53:13 PM
Subject: : Technical Update

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will
cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major
breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them...
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