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 00Spy
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 691
Post a JOKEPage 50 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
Death of the old cow

Late one night, a cow runs out into the middle of a country road, and is hit
by a limousine, which kills it instantly. The woman in the back seat -- in
her usual abrasive manner -- says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check
on that poor cow--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead...
but also remarks that it appeared to be very old.

Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in
that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his
hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. "Good Lord, what happened to
you?" asks the woman.

The chauffeur replied, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the
daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

"Well, I just knocked on the door... and when it opened I said to them, 'I'm
Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow'."

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?
 April1963
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 692
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/20/2014 5:55:23 PM
The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people
After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like IRAN ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.
 00Spy
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 693
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/21/2014 5:48:49 PM
Obama walks into Chase Bank and says to the teller, “Good morning, could you cash this check for me”? “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?” She replies. Obama says, “sorry, I didn’t think I needed to bring it with me after all I am the president!” The teller tells him, “yes sir, I know who you are but with all the government regulations I need that ID. But look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?” Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says,”honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can’t think of a single thing I can do.” The teller turns to him and says, ”great, will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 694
view profile
History
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/22/2014 5:10:59 AM
A long time ago, God destroyed the world and killed everybody (except for a few) with water - rain, and flooding.

One of the dudes who was spared and lived through the great flooding, wanted to have a chat with God, and ask something of him - "Sir, would you please not make it rain so badly and kill everyone with a great flood again?"

"Ok, I will not destroy your world with global flooding again," God replied, "next time I'll do it with fire."

(That's what it really says in the texts. So we know that they had a sense of humor.)
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 695
Post a JOKE
Posted: 3/22/2014 7:49:12 AM
Q: What did Ms Cow say when Mr Pig showed up unexpectedly for a visit?

A: "If I'd known you were coming I'd have made you a pie."
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