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 Harry Peter
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 21
men and chattingPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Dunno. I see you have hangout on your profile.

Expectations goes with egos. Expect to deal with expectations and things will go smoother for you.
 MetalGrrl7
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 22
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:20:11 AM
99% of the IMS I get are from men that have never emailed me and 99% of those IMS are from guys asuming I am going to go out for drinks with them before I even type one word. Just because I am on a dating site does NOT mean I will go out with anyone who decides to randomly IM me. I get lots of guys calling me a b*tch, wh*re, what have you, because I don't want to talk with such rude people!!! Ignore comes pretty quickly!
 6thFinger
Joined: 11/26/2006
Msg: 23
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 6:11:02 AM
This is a problem for us guys also. A lot of us only want a nice chat-friend to talk to, but many women get so turned off by all the random messages they get from pushy, rude guys, and especially guys looking for cyber-sex, that they just stop answering random messages.

I added a disclaimer at the top of my ICQ profile that says clearly that I'm not looking for cyber-sex. It seems to help. A few women have actually commented to me that they appreciated that.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 24
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:20:54 AM
A lot of us only want a nice chat-friend to talk to, but many women get so turned off by all the random messages they get from pushy, rude guys, and especially guys looking for cyber-sex, that they just stop answering random messages.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a chat buddy . The problem is when a person is looking to use this as a dating site and many seem to want a chat buddy , but they don't state it as such.

I do think that there are a rude guys who wreck it for the majority. But there are a few rude women as well .
If you were to mail the person first and explain you're a nice guy who isn't looking for cyber sex but would like to chat ....would that not be a solution?
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 25
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:34:15 AM
Oh God...it's even worse when you're online and don't respond to someone's IM requests or e-mail and they send you messages like "Why haven't you contacted me? I see that you were on here (X number) of days/hours/weeks ago? And you didn't think of dropping me a line? What's wrong with you? Why are you blowing me off? If you just want me to stop bothering you, then just SAY SO! But DON'T play this game with me!"

And meanwhile I might have dropped him a three word line once about three weeks ago....I didn't realize that was equal to a relationship......Helllloooooo Crazy Psycho Man........
 Rebellious
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 26
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:03:02 AM
Msg: 1



I seem to have this problem.......When men message me and we talk, they assume right away that i am interested in dating them. I have had a few freak out on me and accuse me of leading them on. Why? When you talk to someone on here does it mean i am officially dating them or want them........cant anybody talk without expectations?


It happens to me too sometimes. I'll send a woman a humorous one-liner and she'll reply with 3 paragraphs on why we are not a good match. I'm only testing her sense of humor, and she's already analyzing the possibilities of marriage, and "why would I be interested in her if she can't have children"...
 Hey Sam
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 27
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:25:12 AM
WHY CHAT ON A COMPUTER DATING SITE IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Wellllll ... a few ideas are:

1. To get to know more than one person at a time a bit better without committing to a first date/meet. If you are meeting too many people, you seem to get a bad reputation for 'using' or 'teasing' people.

2. To see if you have anything in common with people who are interested in getting to know you a bit: sense of humour, history, values, morals, life style, interests, short term or long term goals.

3. You have no stinkin' time for a relationship or social life but you like the interaction on the forums.

You can learn things about a person when you talk over the computer and then once you've learned enough that you like, you can move on to meeting each other. I think if we take each meeting - as meeting a new friend - with no expectations - we are going to gain, in the least, a new friend.

We all have different ways of doing things though. And that's what makes POF great! There is bound to be someone out there SOMEWHERE that you are compatible with.
 suzanne36_lkn
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 28
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:32:38 AM
I have chatted with and occasinally met people that I wasnt exactly interested in 'dating'. But if they seemed interesting and nice, no reason not to be friendly with them. I try to let them know that I'm just looking for interesting friends. Seldom is it a problem, if they know up front. I dont see a reason to ignore someone just because they arent the one Im looking for.
 manny541
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 29
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:04:30 AM
I have chatted with and occasinally met people that I wasnt exactly interested in 'dating'. But if they seemed interesting and nice, no reason not to be friendly with them. I try to let them know that I'm just looking for interesting friends. Seldom is it a problem, if they know up front. I dont see a reason to ignore someone just because they arent the one Im looking for.


I totally agree..I have done the same. When chatting or meeting a lady, I make it known in the beginning that I am just here to meet people and enjoy some company. Going to dinner alone all the time can get boring...someone to talk to or just have a laff with is always nice. If the lady is dating other men...that is up to her. We are all adults here.
 msusnicknel
Joined: 3/14/2007
Msg: 30
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 12:51:42 PM
It's popular to say, "Don't have any expectations," but if I didn't have any, then I'd date a three-toothed, balding, ignorant woman who likes to throw stones at children . .


Damnit Summer teeth, you made me spit my coffee all over the computer. Thats the funniest comment I've heard in a long time!

Seriously, I'm of the opinion that this is primarily a dating site, so why act surprised when someone wants to meet? You can always say no. And if the guy gets rude, you can block them, right?

On the other hand guys, unless you are a LOT smoother than I, you don't really expect a girl to go out and have wild crazy porn-star s3x based on an unsolicited one-line email, do you? Wow...now THATS confidence.

 missskinnypinny
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 31
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 12:58:00 PM
it looks like ur going to have to clearly state right at the begining of ur conversations , this will avoid confusion
 Rock City Livin
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 32
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 1:03:47 PM
I'm not so sure it is even attention or a rebound. For some they may feel out of touch with socializing outside of a comfortable circle. Many of the friends they have may well indeed be shared by the other person they were in a relationship, and expanding your social circle is like a breath of fresh air. Getting to know someone without the seriousness and having it be more relaxed by chat would be ideal, much like the pressure some feel with a first date. Although serious topics can arise the mood can be lighter.
 *tinydancer*
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 33
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 2:05:41 PM
They actually want to date you? Consider yourself lucky. Usually when a guy messages me, it's for sex. Although nothing in my profile states anything remotely similar to an intimate encounter.

I think sometimes the reason people freak out is because they've come to the end of their rope with this internet crap and can't stand any more rejection.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 34
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:45:21 PM
I don't think anyone should feel rejected from the internet . There are so many out there that are not really interested in meeting anyone for various reasons. It mean's very little to be turned down when you ask somebody out . Many are just plain leary of meeting anyone.
The only real rejection possible is after having met in person.....and even then , most don't totally click anyway.....so it's not the end of the world.

I think women get leary very quickly .
Women possibly expect too much , put way too much expectation on stuff and then a couple bad experiences makes them not able to make much of an effort from then on in to meet anyone new.
Having rude guys im-ing or mailing for just sex sure doesn't help their attitude either.
I think there are only a few loser guys who do this childish crap , but it sets a tone.

I have met with a couple women who were really demoralized because they had met a few guys and were disappointed . They seemed ready to give up . I felt like ...what did you expect an instant soul mate?
A good attitude is important .....never expect too much , have fun (when possible ) and never take things too seriously.
 Tigress
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 35
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 4:51:49 PM
In the OP's defense, she does have Hang Out in her profile. That would indicate to me that she is NOT looking for anything serious.

I have TALK/E-MAIL listed. And actually, I have a couple of very good men friends on this site. We do not have cyber sex. We just chat and give each other advise and such. Sometimes, people really just need someone to talk to.

Personally, I just really like the forums and never stop coming here, whether I'm dating someone or not.

One piece of advise, OP... Don't lead them on, tell them right out front what you are looking for.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 36
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 5:48:08 PM
cedar77

So you have dated off this site, wow glad someone has.


Loz Hunter....if you haven't got a date, this thing is really broken .

Yeah I have dated a few...but only after much wasted time ......amazing hey? dating from a dating site.....what a concept!
I used to think it was just guy's who had to put up with all this....but I know of a girl who is really attractive and really is a good catch and she really wants to meet decent guys for a relationship but can't ....because they are either "not good" or they seem to not be willing to make much effort......she does live a bit out of the way though.
 BigDog60
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 37
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 7:23:07 PM
I assume from your profile and PIC you are free and 21, ergo you can do as you please... In fact your profile says hang out not dating as does mine, and that means you want to get to know people, chat, maybe message... and then take it from there!

It is thier problem if they assume to much, but then again most do!

Don't blame yourself, you are not the problem!

Have fun and good luck
 Hey Sam
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 38
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 7:50:37 PM
While using a different profile months ago 'looking for friends', and after reading and enjoying some of XXXXXXX 's posts (X'd out so I don't embarass him lol), I emailed. We met for drinks, laughter and ... friendship!! He is wonderful company!!!! I enjoyed my evening and we emailed occasionally afterwards. The site works occasionally lol ... whatever you're looking for ... there ARE nice guys out there!
 1800DoUCare
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 39
men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:06:35 PM
I agree drg1301

Well last I knew you had to talk to get to know one another to see if you was even interested in meeting. I talk to a lot of people, it dosen't auotmatically mean that I am interested in dating them or even want them. Often it just means that I am talking to them

I feel the same way and I can understand where the OP is coming from.

You get One e-mail. right away they want you on their msn, they want your e-mail and they give you their phone no.
Many times they want to meet you in person before you even respond to an e-mail.
Me I would like to talk to them a few times to see if i am even interested. And most of all I would like to see a pic.
It's as though if you answer their e-mail they think you are a couple,, Am I wrong?
 harviej
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 40
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:14:36 PM
Don't sweat it. Like message 4 said, you can't win for losing. As most posters have pointed out, this is a dating site so that there might be some interest is a natural expectation.
I suspect this is a worse problem for very attractive women like OP than any of the rest of us. It goes like this. I message a very attractive women. She responsds politely. The reality of it hits me thus: A REALLY PRETTY WOMAN IS TALKING TO ME!. Then my imagination takes over. Where is my tux? Does she want a church wedding or city hall? Do I have to convert? Meanwhile, in reality we are having a simple get to know you type of conversation. By the time I realize this I feel a bit deflated. This is the point where, unfortunately, some people get a bit pissy.
You probably arent leading anyone on. Their imaginations are doing that for them.
I suggest you just keep on being polite but clear, and keep it in perspective. Not getting any messages at all would be a worse problem to have.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 41
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:00:47 PM
It's popular to say, "Don't have any expectations," but if I didn't have any, then I'd date a three-toothed, balding, ignorant woman who likes to throw stones at children . .

I think you missed the point . You don't expect to totally click . You expect to meet a decent person who has a picture you like and a profile that suits you and talk and have fun meeting but never expect anything more ....you hope you hit it off big time ....but that is fairly rare.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 42
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men and chatting
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:12:43 PM
It's popular to say, "Don't have any expectations," but if I didn't have any, then I'd date a three-toothed, balding, ignorant woman who likes to throw stones at children . .

I think you missed the point . You don't expect to totally click . You expect to meet a decent person who has a picture you like and a profile that suits you and talk and have fun meeting but never expect anything more ....you hope you hit it off big time ....but that is fairly rare.

^
Oops ..only read that quote and not the entire post , I misunderstood ....I beg your pardon (-:
You meant expectations about having i.m.ed a person.....oh yeah ....for sure . If you are on a dating site , I think you should expect the person has contacted you in order to meet for an actual date. You can make it difficult if not impossible by making a person do the prolonged "virtual" thing ....but it is what many say they are here and some actually mean it......to meet someone.
 knightdream
Joined: 10/25/2007
Msg: 43
Chatting
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:03:51 PM
Chatting is a good way to determine if I want to meet a woman in person. I've found I can learn a lot about a personality by what they write in email, then how they chat. First, I need to know if we are compatible enough to continue. And since I am here for an ideal long-term relationship, these things are important to me.

Some of the things I hope to discover while chatting are:
- Is she open to deep discussions?
- Does she take offense easily? (big turnoff)
- Is she closed or open-minded?
- What else do we have in common?
- How romantic, sensual and sexual is she?
- Does she anger or frustrate easily?
- Is she understanding?
- How well does she resolve conflict?

The last point is especially interesting in chats. It is very easy to misread or misunderstand a chat thread. Sometimes I write something marginal to observe the reaction. I'm amazed at how many times women take the "my way or the highway" approach, become offended, accusatory, defensive, then shut down. That's no way to resolve conflict and certainly not the personality I want to be in a relationship with. Thank goodness for these email and chat technologies that have spared me from wasting time on dead-end dates.

The moral: be open and be yourself. The internet should make it possible to find the perfect match on a much broader scale. But if you can't be real and open to new possibilities and new modes of discovering someone else, you may never develop a happy, fulfilling relatinship. And it doesn't matter in what context you find yourself in disagreement with someone else. The basic skills of resolving conflict require first a commitment to do so, then setting aside pretenses with an open mind to explore alternative viewpoints. It's the same online or in person. If you can't do it online, you will certainly have difficulties in person.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 44
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men and chatting
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:30:29 PM

I seem to have this problem.......When men message me and we talk, they assume right away that i am interested in dating them. I have had a few freak out on me and accuse me of leading them on. Why? When you talk to someone on here does it mean i am officially dating them or want them........cant anybody talk without expectations
Well, I find it doesn't take long to talk to someone before you know if you've got a lot in common or not. Most people on the forums don't have to read more than 5 pages of my words before they know whether they'd get on with me IRL. That's maybe 20 minutes of conversation.

I suspect that those men feel that if you've talked to them for over half-an-hour without ending the conversation, it's no different than in real life, and by that point, you would be looking for a date. If you didn't want to date them, you'd have ended the conversation. Why talk to someone for more than 5 minutes if you don't like them?
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 45
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men and chatting
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:35:30 PM
I'll talk to anyone... but I make it clear when I'm not interested in pursuing someone romantically.
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