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Joined: 8/25/2006
Msg: 52
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously! Page 3 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
Received this in my email one day....


If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet Syndrome. Including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below Will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having Babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to Reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," She informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I Shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I Really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the Woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done. Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
Joined: 7/1/2005
Msg: 53
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/10/2007 11:26:50 AM
The blond needed some fast money. She went to the front door of a house and asked the man if she could paint his porch. The man said, "sure, I will pay you $50 and here is a bucket of paint". The man goes back in and the blond gets to work. When the blond is finished she knocks on the door. The man is very surprised that she is finished already. "Why yes, I even gave it three coats of paint, but...I hate to say this. It's not a Porch its a Ferrari..."
Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 54
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/10/2007 8:42:13 PM
Well that may be the funniest, but this is the stupidest...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

I'm not laughing - are you?
Joined: 10/9/2006
Msg: 55
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/10/2007 11:34:00 PM
A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says: "I am Ronaldo, the best soccer player in the world. The soccer world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Hilary Clinton, says: "I am the wife of the former president of the USA; I am the senator of New York and I have a good chance of being president of the US in the future."
She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says: "I am the president of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the history of my country and can't shun the responsibility to my people by dying."
He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy: "I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you."
To this the little boy says: "Don't fret old man....There is a parachute for each of us!
The smartest president of America took my schoolbag..."
Joined: 10/9/2006
Msg: 56
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:31:11 AM
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princes, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants she to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, and old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would you do?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now...what is the moral of this story?
The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 57
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/11/2007 3:25:38 AM


Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 58
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/11/2007 9:01:26 PM
A blonde prostitute is down on her luck and happens upon an old farm house. She needs money so she decides to knock on the door and offer her "services". An old farmer comes to the door and she says "For $50 I'll do anything you want." The old farmer looks at her with a sparkle in his eye and he grins ear to ear. He disappears for a minute, then returns with $50, hands it to the girl and says "Here you go - the buckets and brushes are in the barn there - I want you to paint my house."
Joined: 1/13/2006
Msg: 59
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/11/2007 9:59:58 PM
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 60
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/12/2007 12:39:12 AM

A blonde is driving to work one day, when she notices another blonde in a boat in the middle of a field. So she stops her car gets out and yells "oi it's blondes like you that give us a bad name if I could swim I would come out there and slap you!"

I hope you liked it.
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 61
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/12/2007 8:44:39 AM
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

The comuter will accept a three and a half inch floppy
Joined: 11/5/2006
Msg: 62
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/12/2007 6:34:16 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a small monkey on his shoulder and sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The monkey starts getting excited and exploring his new surroundings. He starts running up and down the bar, and the bartender is getting a bit annoyed but doesn't say anything. The monkey then sees a bowl of peanuts, so he goes over and grabs a peanut and eats it. The bartender is a bit more annoyed but still doesn't say anything. Then the monkey sees a Jar of Olives, jumps over, reaches in the jar, grabs an olive and eats it. The bartender gets more annoyed but still doesn't say anything. All of a sudden the monkey jumps over to the pool tables, grabs the cue ball and eats it whole. The bartender is Furious by this point and yells at the man. "Buddy! Aren't you watching your monkey?? He just ate my cue ball!!" The man says, "Yeah I know, I'm sorry, that monkey eats everything he gets his hands on. Don't worry I'll pay for my drink and the cue ball and leave. " So he finishes his drink, pays for the cue ball and leaves.
A few weeks later the same man comes back to the bar with the same monkey. He sits down at the bar, and once again the Monkey gets all excited, jumping around on the bar. Before the bartender can say anything, the monkey sees a jar of Maracino cherries. He runs over, grabs a cherry, then he shoves the cherry up his a**hole, pulls it back out and eats it. The bartender is stunned. He says to the man, "Did you just see what your monkey did? He shoved that cherry up his a**, and then he ate it!!" The man says, " Yeah I know, I'm sorry, he still eats everything he can get his hands on." The bartender says, "Yeah but why did he shove it up his ass first???" "Well," says the man, "Ever since he ate your cue ball, he makes sure to MEASURE everything first!"
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 63
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/12/2007 8:08:08 PM
Not to limit my dating, I adore and admire Blonds but.......

Two Blonds were hiking in the woods one day and came across some tracks
The first blond said “These look like deer tracks,” and the other one said, “No, they look like bear tracks.”
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

The Pope arrived at the Gates of Heaven after his death. "Welcome said St Peter - You have the freedom of Heaven for all your good work" The Pope thanked the Peter, and made his way thru' the gates, "Anything you want" asked the Peter.
The Pope pondered for a moment and said "Yes - I would like to see all the ancient scripts and archives" "Of course" replied the Peter, "I shall show you to the Library"
The Pope immersed himself in reading the thousands of ancient scripts. He was in his element reading away. The weeks past, the Months Past. The Pope just read and read.
Then one day, it just so happened God was walking past and all of a sudden heard the Pope screaming from inside the Church..."There's an R...There's a ****ing R..." God entered the Library and saw the Pope jumping around on a table. "There's a ****ing R...I don't believe it...There's an R...a ****ing great big R...." God calmed the Pope down.. "My son, What is a matter with you"... "Why are you swearing like this"... The Pope, almost out of breath, said "R..****ing R... it's CELEBRATE...!!!"

I bought a box of animal crackers recently and it said on it, " Do not eat if the seal is broken." So I opened the box and sure enough...
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 64
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/13/2007 5:46:39 AM
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 65
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/15/2007 3:28:03 PM
OK I have a good one for you all.

A mother baked a birthday cake for her 4 year olds twins birthday. After everyone ate the cake, she realized that the little silver sprinkles that she used on the cake were actually beebee's. She called doctor and he said as long as they go through everyones system everyone would be fine. A few hours later one little girl came to her mom and said "mommy mommy I had a peepee and I peed a beebee". The mother put her to bed relieved that she was passing the beebee's. A short time later the other girl came to her mother and said "mommy mommy I had a peepee and I peed a beebee". The mother put her to bed also glad that they have come out of her system. An hour later her 17 year old son came downstairs and said "mom I have something to tell you". The mom said "yeah son I know - you had a pee and you peed a beebee". The son said "No I was jerking off in my room and I shot the cat"

LOL Hope you enjoyed that one
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 66
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/15/2007 3:45:34 PM
Ha ha ha.

Loved it.

Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 67
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/15/2007 5:21:49 PM
HAHAHA Oh My, I think that happened to my ex husbands brother.....
 Mr GB
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 68
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/15/2007 9:25:24 PM
What does an Ethiopian sing with a skeleton on his back?

Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 69
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/16/2007 5:13:40 PM
Picture this happening.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husbands libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem" replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra, it's when you drop the Viagra into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week or so and let me know how things went."

Well, not a week went by before she called her doctor who directly inquired as to progress. "Oh, faith, bejeysus and begorrah! T'was horrid doctor, just terrible!"

"Really, what happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants
a-buldging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth
a-flying. Ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop. It was a nightmare I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't any good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sitting here I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Joined: 1/22/2007
Msg: 70
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/16/2007 6:44:40 PM
Now that is cute
Joined: 1/22/2007
Msg: 71
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/16/2007 6:52:39 PM
That is so FUNNY LMAO
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 72
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/17/2007 12:27:06 PM
What do they call one hundred white men chasing one black man?

The PGA Tour.
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 73
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/17/2007 1:38:16 PM
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
Joined: 4/9/2006
Msg: 74
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/17/2007 9:38:37 PM
Theres 2 JB Hunt drivers walking across the truckstop parking lot when they spot a big ol hound licking his nuts. One driver says to the other "I wish I could do that" to which the other driver replies "Well, I'd be makin friends with that big some b*tch before I tried it"
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 75
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The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/18/2007 1:36:59 AM
One night Johnny has a bad dream so he runs into his parents room only to find the dad has his mom bent over going at it so he runs out of the room screaming..a few minutes pass the mom says to the dad you'd better go have a talk with him so the dad goes down to Johnny's rom open the door to find Johnny with his grandma bent over the bed going at it....Johnny looks up at the horrified expression on his dads face and says not so funny when it's your mom is it?

BTW Lionheart~ the lizard joke too funny
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 76
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/18/2007 3:17:57 AM
one of my favs-
supermans flying over holliwood and sees wonderwomen lying starkers in her garden sunbathing,less all squ withe.he thinks wow with my speed i could fly down,be in and out and gone before she can even open her this he does.whoosh hes gone!!
wonderwomen blinks shakes her head and say bloody hell,what was that?
and the invisable man says i dont know but it bloody hurt!!!
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