Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 RaptorFan
Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 103
That was funny.Page 4 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
LMAO... that last one was jokes.
 lfrs
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 105
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 3:12:24 PM
VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2006


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $580,000 and, unfortunately, your mother just lost her
job.

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard mom tell
you
to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $580,000
mortgage
and
no bike!"
 Dave317
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 106
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 4:18:35 PM
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 107
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 4:43:41 PM
Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs
-------------
Well as you know, Snow White lived with the 7 dwarfs. The dwarfs were well aware of her legendary beauty. One day they hatched a scheme to watch her disrobe. They would take advantage of their home's construction of open ceilings (walls not reaching the ceiling) and they would place a ladder against the wall opposite Snow White's bedrooom. They would all climb on to different rungs of the ladder and the top dwarf would peer over the wall and in whispers report his observations to the dwarf below him, who would in turn report to the one below him, who would report down the ladder and so on all the way down to the 7th dwarf. They drew straws and Dopey won the honour of being the top dwarf who would actually watch Snow White.
So that evening after a hearty supper and the dishes were done Snow White bid her short companions "Good Night" and headed for her bedroom. Quietly the scheming dwarfs went to the adjoining room and took their positions up the ladder and anxiously waited for Snow White to undress.

Before long Dopey whispered down "She's taking off her shoes." and he heard the next dwarf repeat "She's taking off her shoes." and the next repeat "She's taking off her shoes." and so on.

Then Dopey whispered down "She's taking off her skirt." and he heard the next dwarf repeat "She's taking off her skirt." and the next repeat "She's taking off her skirt." and so on.

Then Dopey whispered down "She's taking off her blouse." and he heard the next dwarf repeat "She's taking off her blouse" and the next repeat "She's taking off her blouse" and so on.

Then Dopey whispered down "She's taking off her bra." and he heard the next dwarf repeat "She's taking off her bra" and the next repeat "She's taking off her bra" and so on.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Dopey whispered down "Oh, someone's coming!" and he heard from the dwarfs "Me too", "Me too", "Me too" and so on.
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 108
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 4:46:21 PM
How old am I?
------------------
A middle-aged woman with a nice figure decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results and thinks she is looking considerably more youthful. However she wonders if others will share that opinion. So on her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
The fellow looks at her and says "Well maam, I am not that good in guessing a woman's age and its got me in trouble before but I'll venture a guess and say you are about 32".

"I'm exactly 47. Thank you!" the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into a busy McDonalds restaurant and asks the counter girl, "How old do you think I am?"

The girl said "I guess about 29."

The woman replies,"Nope, I'm 47. Thank you!"

Now she is feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk for his opinion.

The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you!"

She proceeds to the bus stop to catch the next bus - to go home. There is only one other person there, an old man sitting on the bench. She asks him the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. However when I was young, I had a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

She was shocked and other than a "Hmmphh!" didn't respond. So for the bus they waited in silence on the empty street. Finally curiosity got the best of her and she said "What the hell, go ahead. Tell me how old I am?" and she unbuttoned her blouse.

He slipped both of his hands under her bra and began to gently feel around slowly and carefully. He wasn't able to conceal the fact that he was having a good time. After a couple of minutes of this she said "Okay, okay, that's enough, get your hands out. Tell me now. How old am I?"

He completes one last gentle squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, let me see, you are 46, .... 48, .... no you are 47. Yes, I am sure now, you are 47 years old!"

Stunned and amazed, the woman said as she began to button her blouse, "That was incredible! You are absolutely correct. How could you possibly determine my age from a feel of my breasts?"

The old man grins and replies, "I was behind you in the line at McDonalds.
Thank you!"
 kiwi51784
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 109
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 6:39:39 PM
seanick... that is the only joke that actually made me laugh outloud!

gays make me giggle :)
 lfrs
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 110
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 8:57:37 PM
7 dwarts was funny,too, as was the poor lady at McDonalds........
 eddie haskal
Joined: 6/25/2007
Msg: 111
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 9:52:13 PM
This ones pretty good and I use the last 2 lines on ppl I dont want to talk to..

An old scientist boards a plane after visiting DC for a conferance on Nuclear Physics, and sits down in his seat looking forward to a well needed in flight snooze. Just as he is about to doze off, a young budding scientist sits beside him and notices his name tag identifying him as the main speaker at the conferance. Not willing to lose the chance to pick this guys brain the young man annoyingly asks him"Hey if you mix the three isotopes of hydrogen and deutrium and tritium..ect..ect.." The old scientist interrupts him and says, "wait,,first let me ask you something" , the young guy says ok. "If deer shit pellets, and cows shit pies and horses shit clumps of grass and they all eat the same thing ...Why is that??" The young guy thinks for a minute and says "I dont know" to which the old guy says 'Tell me, why would I discuss nuclear physics with you when you dont know shit?"

or this 1

A young lady that did not shave her under arms is sitting at a bar and she keeps raising her arm to order beer after beer. The patrons and the bartender are getting pretty disgusted looking at it every time so finally the bartender cuts her off and asks her to leave. A drunk in the back decides to stick up for her and says, "Awe, come on bartender, give the ballerina a drink". The bartender asks him "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "anyone lady who can raise her leg that high over her head has got to be a ballerina!"
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 112
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:17:41 PM
A chance encounter in a restaurant
==========================

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and much to his surprize her glass eye comes flying out of its socket, right towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air. He reaches over and hands it back to the embarrased owner.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, this has never happened before." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

Wanting to get to know her better he agrees and they enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

He agrees and they had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. I have had the most enjoyable time with you. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 113
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:23:24 PM
Be strong honey
============

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. He runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, he gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: " Listen this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 114
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:36:25 PM
Priests get tested for spiritual purity
=========================

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring... and all hell broke loose!
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 115
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:39:13 PM
Spoons, Restaurants and Efficiency Experts
==============================

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.

Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice."Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 116
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:40:08 PM
The Bear Hunt
==========

A fellow goes bear hunting and is quietly walking along a fire break deep in the woods. He carries his trusty .303 Lee Enfield rifle. He is about to step over a fallen log and jumps when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Quite startled he spins around and faces a huge Grizzly bear towering above him.

To his surprise the bear speaks to him and says "I've got you now! There is no way you can swing your rifle around and shoot me. I'll just eat you. However I'll let you live.... on one condition. You have to give me a blow job."

The hunter realizes the hopelessness of the situation and reluctantly does as the bear asks. The bear allows the hunter leave unharmed. The hunter, glad to be alive heads straight back to his truck and slinks home. However he is understandably ashamed by what happened and seeks revenge. He buys a bigger rifle, a 7 mm Magnum and goes hunting the next weekend, in the same area.

As he swings out his leg to step over a big puddle he feels a tap on his shoulder. He spins around to face again the very same Grizzly bear. Again the bear tells the hunter that he will eat him unless he gets a blowjob. The hunter realizes that despite the bigger rifle he still has no option but to do the bear's bidding, and he does. The bear keeps his word and lets the hunter leave unharmed.

The hunter is furious with himself for having twice now been caught by the bear like that, and then suffer the humiliation demanded by the bear. He vows to hunt for that very bear and it would give much pleasure to shoot him. He decides an even bigger rifle is required to shoot the massive Grizzly and so he buys a .50 cal. rifle, an Elephant gun.

So the next weekend he is again hunting on the same fire break. His nerves on edge, he is being as stealthy as he can possibly be... and frequently checking over his shoulder. He pauses frequently and listens. He hears nothing but the birds singing, some squirrels chattering off in the distance, and of course his own breathing. No sign of the bear whatsoever. He takes another step and feels that tap on his shoulder. He spins around and sure enough, there is the huge Grizzly again. He thinks "Arrghh!! How can this still be happening to me?!?!??!"

The bear says "You aren't here for the hunting, are you?"
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 117
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:45:28 PM
Ultimate Senior Moment
===================

Morris, 85 years of age, marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year old. Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She explains to Morris that she is concerned that he, being elderly, might over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
Morris somewhat reluctantly agrees to respect her wishes. After the wedding festivities and the happy couple are finally alone Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough, before long the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year old groom - ready for action. They consumate their marriage and then Morris takes leave of his bride. She prepares to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris, quite happy... and eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne happily consents. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is nearly drifting off to sleep, when - aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh as a 25-year old! Once again they enjoy each other. However as Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well - and so often! I have to admit that I have been with men before, some less than a third of your age, and they were good only once.
You are truly a great lover, Morris. I am reconsidering us having separate bedrooms!"

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, replies "You mean I was here already?"
 Tyeee
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 118
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:46:28 PM
Old geezers go to a whorehouse
======================

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house.When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "When I nibbled on her breast... she passed gas and flew out the window!"
 smokeater01
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 119
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/14/2007 8:19:08 AM
Dont know if this qualifies as the funniest but it gets a chuckle once in awhile.

The mighty god THOR comes down from the heavens looking for a woman.
Goes to a bar after awhile he and this gorgeous woman go back to her place.
they have sex all night.
in the morning Thor stands up on the bed flexes his muscles and say I AM THOR.
the woman looks up at him and says I AM SO THOR I CANT EVEN PITH.
 ice_kitten
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 120
view profile
History
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/14/2007 9:38:09 AM
Fellow goes into a bar and whilst there, lifts his left palm to face him and starts poking it with his right index finger, puts the left palm to his ear and tells his wife, I'll be home in about an hr, and then orders another drink. The bartender, having watched him, has decided this fellow has had one too many as it is and refuses him, at which point the fellow gets upset and demands to know why. The bartender gives his reason, and the fellow tells him that he's not drunk but has had a chip installed into his palm to turn it into a phone, and reaches out to the bartender for him to test. Lo and behold! it works for the bartender, and lets the drinks continue. After a while the fellow asks the bartender where the bathroom is, and leaves to go. Time elapses and after a considerable amt of time, the bartender becomes concerned and goes to the bathroom to ensure the fellow is ok. Upon entering the bathroom he sees the fellow squatting in the middle of the room with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his arse. The bartender is stunned! and asks the fellow.. just WHAT do you think your doing?? at which point the fellow smiles and answers - why waiting for a fax of course.

First time I heard this one, I needed a roll of toilet paper, thought I'd pee my pants lol
 mik5justis
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 121
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/14/2007 1:22:53 PM
pretty funny but i have heard better
 duff-man
Joined: 5/18/2007
Msg: 122
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/15/2007 1:28:24 AM
What does Winnie the Pooh call his grandmother??

................................
.................................
................................
...............................

Poohnannie!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 supernanny
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 124
view profile
History
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/18/2007 3:28:38 PM
Why did frosty the snowman run to the corner and pull down his pants?










He heard the snow blower was coming!
 smokeater01
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 125
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/22/2007 7:22:47 PM
The pope heard about the way the seven dwarfs came to snow whites rescue so he granted them a visitation with him at the vatican.
After dinner they are sitting around and the pope offers to answer questions that they may have.
The first to raise their hand was dopey... so the pope syas how can I help you dopey.
Well dopey says my question to you is are there any dwarf nuns in america...
the pope confirs with his cardinals and they decide that NO there arent any dwarf nuns in america. To that dopey sits down.
The pope asks for another question and dopey puts his hand up again...the pope says yes dopey...are there any dwarf nuns in north america without confirring the pope says outrigtly NO there isnt...Next question the pope says...again dopey the first to raise his hand the pope syas this is your last quesion dopey...alright says dopey are there any dwarf nuns in the world...this time the wants to make sure so he asks the cardinals to find out and they come back with no as an answer with this the other dwarves started laughing to beat all...the pope asks whats so0 funny....they start singing dopey screwed a penguin...dopey screwed a penguin...


now thats funny
 daisie1975
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 126
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/23/2007 6:35:28 AM
BuddaNature - now this joke made me run to the bathroom.....lol!
 Abbatis
Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 127
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/23/2007 8:00:24 PM
funny yes, funniest... in am not sure
 dusty59
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 128
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/23/2007 8:26:16 PM
One of the clerks at the local grocery store noticed the same couple coming into the store regularily. The women pushed a cart full of people food, and the man pushed a cart full of dog food. After the third or fourth time of checking them through the cash, she mentions that they must have a big dog to eat all of the dog food. The man immediately replies, oh we don't have a dog, that's what I eat.

The clerk is appauled and tells him "you can't eat dog food..it'll kill you" whereas his wife replies that's all he's gotten for years. The clerk tells the man, "sir you have to stop eating dog food, it'll kill you"! She sees them a few more times and continues to insist that the guy not eat the dog food.

Then one week the woman comes in alone, and doesn't buy any dog food. The clerk asks her "how's your husband doing". The wife tells her that he died last week.

The clerk is enraged...I told him not to eat that dog food! I told him it would kill him!!!

The wife says....of it wasn't the dog food that killed him.



He was sitting on the couch licking his balls and fell off and broke his neck!
 rickjcfl
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 129
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 7/23/2007 10:25:07 PM
A guy walks into a bar and see's his friend Harry sitting at the bar looking all depressed. He walks up and says; "Whats the matter Harry?"
Harry Says; "I've been sleeping with one of my patients."
The first guy says; "Hey it's not that bad. lots of Doctors have slept with their patients."
Harry looks at him and says; "Have you forgotten I'm a vetrinarian?"
Show ALL Forums  > humor  >