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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?      Home login  
Joined: 1/30/2007
Msg: 26
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

"Does it make any difference [if someone is retired]"

I'm always creeped out when I see that someone is retired. Not because they're retired, but because I'm entering the age range that I'm running into it.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 27
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 11:30:54 AM
I think it probably does make a difference in that, it's another facet of personalities and lifestyles that needs to either match up or compliment each other

From the posts so far, what I am understanding is that ........One Size Does Not Fit All...when it comes to retirement dreams and being prepared. Recently, I read an article/ survey about Baby Boomers and their approaching retirement. The article said there are 5 distinct baby boomer groups.It said people are categorized as either Empowered Trail Blazers, Wealth-Builders, Leisure-lifers, Anxious Idealists or the Stressed and Stretched.
The article further stated that baby boomers have moved beyond viewing retirement as endless games of shuffleboard or rocking life away on the front porch.There are some, that may pursue a new career or continue with their existing career, either part-time or on a free-lance basis, just to keep a pulse. Or, some may want to mix it up a bit....a little work and a little liesure.
I'm definitely seeing a trend with the responses and that seems to be somethng that is important to discuss.
Thank you everyone....great answers, so far.
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 28
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:02:56 PM
Over the last decade, I have heard both male and female friends say that they wonder if they will be able to deal with having their mate around 24/7. This has surpised me a little because my late husband and I spent a great deal of time together, and would have been very happy to spend more time together in retirement. When I hear a statement like "they will drive me crazy being under my feet all the time", I figure that these people have either grown apart, don't have lives of their own separate from their spouse, or the couple hasn't developed interesting things to do together.

IF I have someone to retire with, I want to look forward to this time together, not resent their presence in my retirement years.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 29
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:31:28 PM
DITTO!!!!! Moriama I can't wait to meet Mr. Right so we can start enjoying our time together.

When I hear a statement like " they will drive me crazy being under my feet all the time".....the couple hasn't developed interesting things to do together.

Well, if this would drive me crazy...I say what a way to go!!! Woo hoo!!
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 30
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:37:01 PM
When I do retire, yes it will matter... I dont want to end up with someone who is actually disabled and claiming they are retired for one... many other things to consider too ... spending habits, how they like to spend their free time. It should matter greatly in my opinion. I would not want to be with someone who is disabled and not even well enough to have worked unless i wanted to stay home all the time only going out for doctors appointments... people will vary greatly as to energy level and interests and I would want someone whose ideals and realities match my own.
That travelling around the country in a RV isn't my idea of heaven either... lol
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 31
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:56:38 PM
If we aren't willing to take what life sends our way and possible the way of our partner, we would be better to plan to retire alone. If we want an s/0 to spend our retirement with, we are signing on for whatever may come our way. That could include either ourselves or the other person become ill. Best we pick a partner that we can have a good relationship with in sickness and in health, or learn to have a happy lifestyle as a single person.
Joined: 11/6/2006
Msg: 32
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 4:54:49 PM

My mother used to say that before he retired, and she found out she was right! He drove her nuts because he was so bored. She used to call my sister up and give her $ for projects for my Dad to do. They adored eachother and still do. But they needed time to adjust to the new reality of thier lives New my mom has lost her short term memory almost completely. Dad does everything for her and he still tells her she is the most beautiful woman in the world. And just as she did when she was young she rolls her eyes and pertends she doesn't believe him. So don't think that all the woman who worry about thier mate retirement no longer are in love. They might be like my Mom and worry about the new adjustments they will have to make.
Joined: 12/22/2005
Msg: 33
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/11/2007 7:33:39 PM
I am already retired, and have been for 5 years. I retired as early as possible, I was totally burned out with my job and wanted nothing more than to get away from it. I also had felt very unsettled; because of the nature of my work I had to live in or near a large city, but I always wanted to live in a small town or the country, preferably a pretty place in the mountains. So I always expected that I would move when I retired, and in fact that is what happened. The place I picked to retire is perfect for me.

My ex had gone on disability 2 years before I retired, so that meant I didn't have to wait for her to reach retirement age. What I didn't expect, though, was the fact that once both of us were home together 24/7, that there would be conflict. She had become used to having the house to herself all day, and didn't appreciate that I was now occupying that space as well.

Since the divorce, I have dated some that were working, and some that were retired or on disability. I have not given much thought to whether someone I wanted to date was retired or not, other than if she lived some distance away that she would be able to move if she wasn't tied to a job. I don't know if the fact that I am retired has affected whether someone would go out with me, or not.

There has been a great deal of discussion about what baby boomers will do with their free time when they retire. I am a first year baby boomer, but I doubt that I am setting any trends. I have always been pretty unstructured about how I spend my free time (well, OK, I WASTE a lot of time, LOL). I can't imagine going back to school or starting a new career.

I have never, even for an instant, regretted retiring when I did.
Joined: 1/27/2007
Msg: 34
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/12/2007 11:32:53 AM
Muskoka: You don't have to meet Mr. Right in order to enjoy your retirement. I am very happily single, dating, and also enjoying time alone. I hope you didn't mean that you were banking on meeting a Mr. Right in order to start enjoying life. There are so many joys and fulfilling activities in my life now, that I sometimes wonder how I ever had time to work.

I enjoy being in romantic relationships, or even just friendships with a special man at any given time, but I have not built my life around that. And actually, it would drive me crazy, having a man "under my feet all the time". But that's just me. Some women would enjoy that. Being widowed now, and remaining single by choice, I treasure my own space.

But retirement can be fun, with or without a man. I'm loving every minute of it! I've been in one long term relationship, since I retired, but there've also been times when I wasn't in one, like now. Retirement can be equally fun, either way. Depends on the person, I guess.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 35
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/12/2007 12:47:44 PM
Muskoka, You don't need to meet Mr. Right in order to enjoy your retirement....I hope you didn't mean you were banking on meeting Mr. Right in order to start enjoying life.

Absolutely NOT banking on finding Mr. Right in order to enjoy life and retirement. I'm busy and I go out socially. I travel alone, up to 3 months every winter and plan many weekend jaunts with friends, throughout the rest of the year. My life is certainly not on hold and I'm not waiting with baited breath for a man to come into my life, in order to live it. That being said.... For me, it would be wonderful to have the love and companionship of a man to ADD to my life. I also believe that I am someone worthwhile and I can add these things to his, as well. So, I am hopeful I'll find my Mr. Right so that WE can start enjoying OUR time/life TOGETHER.
In the meantime, I'm not letting the dust settle, as a single retiree.
I started this thread because I think being retired or not yet retired may be a factor when people are searching for others with similar lifestyles and interests. I've wondered, whether they consider contacting that person, or not. I've also wondered what other people's reactions would be, to having a relationship with a retiree....if they're still working.
Do we need to be on the same page?
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 36
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/12/2007 1:45:12 PM
I don't plan on retiring ever. I could afford to do it tomorrow, but I'm not the type. I did switch from a high-powered lobbying career to a home publishing company a little over ten years ago because my husband, who was 14 years older than I was, was going to retire within a few years. He planned on doing some part time photography work after that and we had plans to do more traveling. Then he died, and that changed everything.

In a couple of more years I plan to change my business life again, start doing freelance writing (which I only do occasionally now) and hand most of the day to day responsibilities of my company over to others. I may even sell the company. I revisit my professional life about once every 10 years to keep it fresh, but I can't ever envision doing nothing. I'd croak from boredom -- even if I traveled all the time.

I do have flexibility to travel, even extensively, provided a man doesn't want to move to a yak farm in the Himalayas. My boyfriend is a computer consultant, and we travel between his assignments. That works well for us.

Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 37
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/24/2007 12:56:23 AM
i was forced into early retirement when i was diagnosed with lymes in my late 40's. i fought like the****ns to keep working (this was not a curse word but the first four letters could possibly be used to describe masculine private parts so they bleeped me, lol!!!)

my pain and fatigue level were not reliable for the level and hours of work that i was accustomed. the first few years were awful for me, but that was also becuse i moved across the country to an area i hated. i have since moved to an area i love, am renovating a house on a creek near the ocean and in absolutely heaven (relatively speaking).....

not being the type to sit and do nothing, once i could walk again, we adopted three teens. i was age 50 when all this started. i also have four cats and two dogs and a pigeon, but we had even more back then! i was fortunate to have paid for private disablity and we used all the extra money for help. i was always fighting in the courts on behalf of my kids, so i had to have such help in order to continue in our "middle class" life. eventually social security kicked in but i had already dealt with the psychological loss as i was quite the workaholic and obsessed professional before the lymes. it was quite an ego/spiritual challenge for me to adapt. especially in an alien land, CA-- after all i was and still am a new yorker!

when i first got divorced and joined pof, i msut admit though, i was pretty anxious!!! fortunately i met my man after about a year, on another site, with environmental interests , but it could have just as easily happned here. the funny thing is that i alwasy write a lot and he only wrote two sentences! it's been our joke (and reality) ever since, although he can shut me up and i can get him to talk!

still, when my marriage was going downhill. you would not have thought that i was the disabled one, even though he was working. so to make a long story short, i got divorced and began to heal. also began to look a lot younger and although the lymes did not go away and i have my good and bad days, on my good days i go dancing with the man in my life, we eat out, go to indie films, help each other with our respective renovation ideas (he lives not far and i live still with my youngest daughter and plan to take her silbling back and try to set him on the straight path for the "last" time).

on bad days, from sleep late to going to movies or jazz concerts. if in real pain, he drives. if i'm in good shape and he's tired from doing electrical, carpentry, plumbing for his clients, i drive. as you get older it's harder to do contracting work unless you want to manage a crew! if we are both tired--to bed. i'll leave the rest to your imagination!

i never see myself as getting old in a traditonal manner. they always have to card me in the diner when i get my senior 55+ discount! it's up to each of us to continue to follow our dreams. although not likely, i would like to get back to work one day. people still call me for my opinion or advice in my professional area and i've been out of the field for twelve years now. once i am settled and get my three kids on the straight path, i will volunteer if my disability still has it's bad days. when i am feeling well, i can still out think most people (i am told).

my man friend is only a couple years younger than i am , but my good friends are mostly younger. so they tend to involve me in younger activities as well.

on the same page, you ask? my ex was working. he spent most of his time yawning and watching tv. we did little together even from the beginning. i do think youhave to be on the same page with interests. for me, i need someone who is both intelligent and still passionate. it all depends on how you define "same page". as long as i can take care of myself, i don't need someone else to do that for me. what i want is a life "partner". a lot of that is chemical and a lot spiritual that is undefineable unless you are defining your needs in a material sense. i am fortunate i don't need and have never needed to select a partner based upon material needs. again, i need someone with brains!

i am so very fortunate to have found my man. we broke up for six months and were just friends, but the "chemistry" would not allow that to remain and so we got back together again. oddly , when i thought i needed gyn surgery. but it turned out not and he was there for me, even before the good news. i am also there for him. so i guess we are on the same page. only i read them out loud and he reads silently-- a perfect myers briggs match. i hope no more !!! but sure appreciate the comradery and ideas.
Joined: 11/12/2006
Msg: 38
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:52:19 AM
Yes I think if one is retired both need to be, unfortunately I haven't found anyone yet that is compatible with me that is retired and wants to travel.
I enjoy traveling and would love to find someone to travel with me. I was dating one lady that said I had "HER" permission to travel "IF" I wanted to, I'm sorry but I'm 56 now I don't have to have any one's permission to go as I please... That ended when I left home 38 years ago, well actually when I divorced 14 years ago.
I had an elderly gentleman ask me one time why I traveled by myself, like I told him..If I waited until I have someone to travel with me, I would never leave home...Lou
Joined: 5/14/2006
Msg: 39
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/26/2007 11:46:51 AM
Is this yet another black mark? Yikes!

Both of those couples, however, have been in a relationship for a long time, I'm assuming, and that probably wouldn't apply to any of us here, since we'd be just starting a new new relationship.

Wouldn't what you'd do with your retirement time be one major thing you'd discuss with someone new if both/either is retired? Wouldn't you want to ensure that you're not looking for opposite activities in your retirement? Wouldn't you mention that in your profile? Wouldn't how you want to spend your time be right up there with 'moonlight walks on the beach'?

And Muskoka, it absolutely is important to discover the meaning of 'live life in the fullest'! If one of you means more library time and the other means sex videos, there might be a problem. Do you think?

And you know, 'retired' just doesn't cut it for me as a description. Retired from what? What did you do all your life? Are you doing anything now? Work from home? Your own company? Sleeping in? Spoiling grandchildren? Chasing women/men? Retired and.........? I don't care what, but give me something that tells me about yourself.

Then, with a little description and imagination in this slot, then I'll have a tiny hint of who you are and we might be on the same page, no matter who's working and who's not.

This is a great thread! I'll follow it with interest because it's really pertinent.

Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 40
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/14/2007 2:43:06 PM
Yes thanks for this topic. It seems very important to me and i guess that i am looking to see if this viewpoint is valid so i have resurrected the topic.
I,m 4 to 6 years away from retirement. (53 -55)
A real benefit to retirement that i see is the ability to more easily move somewhere to find and be with someone that shares your interests. Sure, it would be hard to leave what i have now with family and community nearby but if you're looking at 25+ years of retirement, then a few years re-adjusting might just be worth it.
When i do retire I want to have somebody that will be along for most (not all) of the same rides as me. So they probably have to be physically and emotionally and financially near the same place as me (or better of course!) if my retirement is planned around what i want to do.
If they love the job that they are doing and don't want to leave it (who would?) but it doesn't give them much flexibility, then while they are indeed fortunate to be doing what they love it probably isn't going to work well for me.
Would i contact someone that is already retired? That is a tough one but that person would have to have something that would keep them busy and happy during the day. I wouldn't want the pressure of trying to fill someone's day during my non-work hours when i am tired. And what if they were doing what i wanted to be doing when i retire?(i.e. common interests that brought us together in the first place) Then i would have to hear about that everyday! Hmm, my work day would grow longer and longer i think and it might be difficult after a few years? And, if they are doing things that I didn,t enjoy, would they happily change that when i retire to do what i like?
Which leads me to thinking that I probably wouldn't contact someone that was retired unless I was going to retire within a year or two. And the same goes, if I was already retired I think i wouldn't contact anyone that wasn't planning on retiring shortly. Hopefully someone can set me straight!
Must be some good books, blogs on retirement and relationships?
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 41
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 1:30:56 PM
This has become a big relationship issue for me. We are 12 years apart in age and I recently retired. Originally I had planned on the RV thing and didn't realize it wasn't mutual. My wife is one who spends most of her paycheck as fast as she can and has very little for retirement and I won't provide for all her spending habits. Her life consists of working part time and supporting her cats; she is much more of a homebody than me. I travel and enjoy many activities. Needless to say, she is frustrated with me being gone while she has to work and I'm tired of doing things by myself. This becomes a real issue when someone retires but is based on that age spread and lifestyle choices when we were younger. Now I realize how big of an issue retirement choices and financial independence can be. I would never consider a long term with anyone where these couldn't be totally resolved.
Joined: 8/12/2006
Msg: 42
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 2:23:45 PM
It's very much like a book, if your on chapter one and your SO is on two, should you read faster or should your SO slow down and wait. Sure anythings possible if you work on it, but being hand in hand on the same page seems the way to go for both to realize their dreams together.
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 43
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 2:39:24 PM

Sure anythings possible if you work on it

I agree with the above however I think of this statement more for couples that already have a life and history together. As far as starting up a relationship with someone retired, I tried it and it was too difficult. Of course I am self employed and my working hours often go beyond the regular 9 to 5 but he had too much free time and I didn't have enough. I felt uncomfortable, almost guilty when I had to work, especially since I am my own boss and there is no one telling me I will be fired if I don't work. However, no work, no food is a great motivator. I would like to know that the person I date is nearing the possibility of retirement and hopefully on the same page as me, but not already there.
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 44
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 7:01:13 PM
I just retired in January and I am busier than ever, getting my ducks in a row so to speak. I am renovating my condo, hitting the Farmers and flea markets like I wanted to when working, and pretty much doing anything I want, when I want . Did I say I was enjoying it - I am!!! After 35 yrs of working and 20 of those taking care for my elderly parents - I am loving it.

Honestly to me dating a retiree would be ok , but not if he wanted me in his back pocket every minute of the day. I am just breaking in my freedom of having no one to account to. On the other hand dating someone who works 10-12 hrs days and was too tired to do anything during the week or on the weekends would be a bore.

I guess it depends on where the individuals are in their own life, and how much they care for each other.

Did I mention I was enjoying retirement?
Joined: 6/7/2007
Msg: 45
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 7:23:40 PM
I tend to not go for anyone who says they like to travel, because I can't just take off on a moment's notice. I'm one of those who will probably die at my work station, due to some heavy hits to my retirement funds over the past few years. The last man I went out with actually mentioned to me that he was a good catch because he had a pension. I would never date someone because of that, and I don't want anyone to think that because of my financial situation, I'm looking for someone to fund my retirement.

So I tend to look for men who aren't yet retired, and are looking to build something together for a nice retirement as a couple.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 46
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 7:32:50 PM
Retired????......Who is retired?????.........Do they have money???????......Can they support me and give me security??????........

What page are we talking about????? The AARP?????...... How about AAA and their discounts???????

Why not take care of yourself and let others find you as they fit in with your life style and you theirs???? If you want to travel, then do it. If you want to be retired, then do it. If you want another to be just like you, have a relationship with yourself......

Just my opinion........
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 47
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 9:44:00 PM
c deacon....
You're profile says you are 86 years old. You should be retired man!!!! Whatcha waiting for?
Just recently,I read an article in the Globe and it said,
As the Baby Boomer generation nears retirement age, a large proportion of them are going to continue to work past 65 and the percentages of people that will have to do this are increasing. Why?
The study said it's because people haven't saved enough to retire. Gee, with the cost of living what it is takes two incomes just to maintain a middle class lifestyle.
So when people who have worked their whole life reach an age close to retirement they can't afford to quit.
The article went on to say that appoximately 50% of those without a pension plan, must continue to work because they have to. In addition, because of the high costs of US health insurance, workers also want to continue working in order to be covered by employer health plans. In Canada there are continual cuts in the health care budget and things that were once covered are no longer available unless a person has the means to pay.
When entering into a new relationship, it can be difficult if one is able to be retired or is already retired and the other may not financially ever be able to be retired.
Financial differences can contribute to the issue in addition to what others have said re: different works because they don't have a choice financially and the other is retired because financially they can.
I don't know how it is in the US but if two Canadian pensioners who have each worked and have accrued enough merit to warrant a Canada pension they would each collect a small pension based on their contributions. If they should choose to marry, their pensions would be combined and reduced. The present policy does not encourage two pensioners to get married because each person's pension amount would decrease.
I know I asked the question...Do we have to be on the same page but..........Do we also have to have the same balance sheet too? If we sad is that,? might make a difference economically?
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 48
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:04:02 PM
Ah Muskoka.......

I am waiting for someone that can afford me and support me to the life style I am accustomed to and give me the security I need....

OT......If you planned properly, and planned for enough that even if two separated and divorced, that each would still have their own and enough to retire comfortably, denied yourself some of the instant gratification items in your life to invest more, and have a retirement, then you should be just fine.

The age is really not as important as the ability to do it when you want to and legally can, and have the health and well being to make it happen......

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 49
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:15:59 PM
I guess I' m one of those oddballs, in that the topic, as discussed in this thread really doesn't matter much to me -- at least the monetary aspect of it. And I expect this belief comes from my lifelong tendency to live an artistic lifestyle. I learned many years ago to find ways to enjoy myself fully with very little $$'s involved. I have enough to live the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, and I'm assuming I would meet someone who has the same. And starting a relationship with someone under these conditions, to me, would be like adding 2 and 2 to get 4. I think if I did have a consideration it would be when I saw a profile of someone who listed themselves as 'retired'. I think I would, at some point early in our conversation (if it became at all serious), ask what she did with her day. Because I don't think I'd be happy very long with someone who just sat around for long periods of time 'enjoying' their retirement. If there's any aspect of retirement that I'd need to be on the same page about, it's level of daily activity. I don't do 'idle' very well.

cdn guy
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 50
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 6/15/2007 10:34:28 PM

So, here are my questions..........
When you're looking at profiles, do you eliminate a person based on the fact that they're retired? or not?
If you're retired, do you look for someone else who is also retired?
If you're still working do you wonder if being with a person who is retired would be a good match? Is it necessary for these two people to be on the same page?
Does it make any difference to you, one way or the other?

I'll be fortunate enough to retire in less than a year, at the age of 49. When I'm looking at profiles, someone who is retired or close to it is a plus. It means that not only will he have time to do things together when I retire, but now while I'm still working, his time is more flexible. But his being retired is not a necessity.
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