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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?      Home login  
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 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 76
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Well, I sometimes find it a drag to be retired and have a working g/f, but there are all kinds of different views out there about what it means to be retired.

I do believe that I would be open to a compatible retired woman, but in general, I don't generally choose a lady friend based on her work status. There are benefits and drawback to both cases. If she works, you can't really fill your days with her company. On the other hand, if she is retired, you can't really fill your days with your own pursuits, unless she is pretty independent or likes the same activities you do.

Another big issue is the 50 to 65 age range. There are, particularly amongst the single women, lots that are still working, most likely out of necessity. If you retire "early", you probably will run into more working women than retired ones. I suspect that you need to poll the 65+ crowd to get a real feel for the market for retired men and women in the dating scene. By that age, I suspect that most will be retired, but I have women friends who are still going on their careers into their 70s.....
 dnto
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 77
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:42:16 AM
Nice to get reacquainted again Phoebe48! Although I must admit that I have mixed emotions about seeing you here. It seems to me that you were, "in theory "! in an enviable position in that you had all your ducks in a row and were therefore able to retire at a young age ( even slightly younger than 54 which I will be) I think this is relatively ‘rare’ for a younger woman and therefore more ‘valuable’ and sought after by men. So, while it is encouraging to remember that there are a few women in the situation that I will be in, the fact that you were in a ‘valued’ situation but still not ‘scooped-up’ is a bit discouraging; I will be in the more ‘normal’ situation where the man is able to retire before most women his age. In addition, given my acceptance of tent-camping while WW canoeing and on-road/dirt-road motorcycling, I don’t think that I will find many women older than I am who would soon be able to retire that would be interested in these activities. (In fact, I haven’t found many now, either younger or older by a few years, who are!!)
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So, while I’m gunning eventually for a living together relationship, I am kinda’ hoping that the increasingly popular Living Apart Together (LAT) relationship might be seen as an option and therefore more women would consider some guy who was retired before they could be.
 Honcho
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 78
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:30:20 PM
I'm gonna have to retire pretty soon, my tires are getting pretty slick on my SUV. Ohhhh, you meant retire from work? Tried that, too many damned soap operas on tv so I got myself a part time job. Lady I date occasionally, she's 50, me 72, still works hard. On POF I would be thinking of the financial situation as I have deeded my property to my kids and live by myself. This poses a problem if I re-marry and then die. What would become of my widow? While I am "comfortable" as a widower with a six figure savings, I would still prefer that she was financially sound too. Then our combined incomes or retirement checks would better allow us to live comfortably and not be so dependent on each other.
 Phoebe48
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 79
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 1:56:10 AM
Yes, I did retire at 52. Gosh that was 8 yrs. ago.How time flies!

I think this is relatively 'rare' for a younger woman and therefore more 'valuable and sought after by men. So while it is encouraging to remember that there are a few women in the situation that I will be in, the fact that you were in a 'valued' situation but still not 'scooped' up is a bit discouraging.


Discouraging is an understatement. First of all, I didn't consider dating for the first five years after I retired. About 3 yrs. ago, at the age of 57, I started to consider the possibility and joined this site. I've had 3 dates with men I've met through POF.

Nothing became of them. Not because I'm retired but rather because each man, in their own way, expected I would turn my life inside out to be with them. to participate in their interests/ activities.......ya know scuba dive, climb mountains, cook the way their Mom or late wife did etc.
In fact, NOT ONE of them cared enough to ask me what my interests were. Or, what I'd like to do or how I'd like to spend the rest of my life, for that matter. One expected I would stay home and wait til he got home from working out of town all week. Two of them expected me to pull up roots, sell my home etc. and move to their States. I think they assumed, because I'm retired, with nothing else to do, (ha ha) that I would be willing to give up my "invaluable retired lifestyle", meld into theirs and become the little woman. The other, saw the fact that I live in Canada and I smoke, as a detriment. (To the point of being nastily sarcastic about it.) Even though, he knew these two facts about me prior. Go figure, eh?? He was my last date Sept. /07...........
Anyway, it was pretty much all about them and what they wanted. They certainly weren't looking for a two-way street, in my opinion. I must say though, each one was a learning experience. Tough lessons. But, lessons just the same.
This is why I question whether a man and a woman need to be on the same page? Both retired as some sort of starting point.
 Artemis2009
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 80
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:45:00 AM
What a good question.

I had a relationship with someone who was 8 years older than me, who was retired. He apparently did little with his time during the day, as he used to text and email me incessantly at work and if I didn't reply quickly enough, threw a hissy fit.

When I came home in the evenings I was obviously expected to entertain him, and woe betide me if I was tired and needed time to recharge my batteries before making dinner! He even seemed to resent it if I told him that I'd had a good day...

So yes, I think I would be wary of someone who is retired - unless they lead a full life and have plenty of interests.
 tresor cache
Joined: 5/23/2008
Msg: 81
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:10:34 AM
Of course you need to be on the same page. Retirement, like having babies and changing jobs is a life altering situation. I've known people that have moved across the country to be with someone after retirement. I've known others that want to stay right where they are. Dating aside, for many people retirement brings thoughts of panic because they don't know what they are going to do with their time. I'm thinking of hanging it up myself and considering where I want to live. The possibilities are endless.
That's why I'm not dating much right now, I'm thinking it might be best to establish myself somewhere new and then get back into it.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 82
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:42:46 AM
If you're retired, do you look for someone else who is also retired?

I would not mind if he was not retired at all.. The reason for that is I spend my days now working on my books and getting my cats ready to show.. If he was retired I would be concerned he might well feel neglected during my daytime hours.

If he was retired I guess I would have to address the issue with him and hope that he also has hobbies that he also likes to pursue..

thecatsmeoww
 andserendipity
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 83
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:12:58 PM
i agree with catsmeow.... though i'm about to take early retirement, it's mainly in order to be able to do other things i haven't had time for. i expect to be as occupied with those things as i am now... or more... and part of that requires being able to structure my day independently with lots of uninterrupted time.

the thing is, though, probably only people who are like that would feel they might get along with me anyway, ie folks who are engaged in a larger world, and very active in their own interests. those interests IMO don't have to dovetail as long as there's communication and sharing-- i've been ensconced in this little world a long time and am really curious about everyone else's.

another thing, which i wonder if other self-employed people might identify with, is that mutual support is really important and can make a big difference, rooting for someone and their rooting for you-- though one has a lot of freedom, the obverse is that a lot of that freedom needs to be structured and motivated into, and it can be tough sometimes. it's great when there are people around who understand and are into it...
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 84
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:35:29 PM
andserendipity said: agree with catsmeow.... though i'm about to take early retirement, it's mainly in order to be able to do other things i haven't had time for. i expect to be as occupied with those things as i am now... or more... and part of that requires being able to structure my day independently with lots of uninterrupted time.

Gosh you sound perfect too bad you are female.. otherwise we might just have it made in the shade..
I often wonder when one partner is used to doing her/his daily job and then retires if they expect their partner to all of the sudden free up their calendar?

thecatsmeoww
 dnto
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 85
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:16:18 PM
I was looking back at my first post on this thread from a couple of years ago and got thinking about the common interest thing.

Here is the nightly telephone conversation between the person retired for just over 1 year and his same age SO who shares the same interests but works full-time. They were at similar skill and fitness levels before he retired and those common interests were one of the things that got them together in the first place. He lives in his house 4o minutes away most of the work week while she stays at her house just a short bus ride from her office.

Him: “Hi Dear, how was your day at the office?”

Her: “Well not bad I guess. I had to fire someone and he ended-up crying in my office and I had to work late so I missed my regular bus. The traffic was horrendous ‘cause of the snowstorm so I’m just getting in and I’m beat. Thanks for getting my dinner ready in the slow cooker before you left. How was your day?”

Him: “It was great. All that fresh snow and hardly anybody able to get to the ski hill. I had a great time downhill skiing Formidable all day.”

Her: “Formidable? Since when have you been skiing Formidable.? That’s a double diamond run. We’ve never been able to ski Formidable together.”

Him: “By the end of last year, with all the time I spent at the hill, and I find it is fun now. But don’t worry dear, when you get here on the week-end , we can still ski the other side of the hill on the intermediate runs that you like.”

Her: “Yeah, looking forward to that. Thanks. Hmm, it’s only Monday night though. I hear that they are forecasting -25 degrees for tomorrow and wind so I guess it won’t be very good for skiing.”

Him: “Yeah, we saw that too so 3 of the regulars here and I are going to take trail #52 which is out of the wind and cross country ski to Herridge cabin and put a fire on there and have some lunch a bottle of wine and play a game of bridge. We’re going to try playing in Spanish since I am getting pretty good, listening to the CD’s and going up the lift with Gary and his wife who is from Peru. They want us to go visit them in Peru later this year.”

Her: “Peru? Well, don’t know if I can get enough holidays in a row this year to make it worthwhile and I’ve had to drop my Spanish classes as you know ‘cause it is so busy at work and I am too tired on Thursday evenings. And Herridge? We’ve never been able to ski there before. Trail #52 is too steep and its too far.”

Him: “Oh yeah, well, with all the in-line skating last summer plus the time on the trails this year, my fitness is much better and I finally lost those pesky 20 pounds over the year and I find it pretty easy to get there now. But don’t worry, if it’s nice on Sunday we can still go to Brown’s lake cabin which might be more crowded and noisy but you’ll be able to make it there and back at least.
I'm looking forward to the bridge game tomorrow and also to playing bridge with you at the Smith’s this Friday evening.”

Her: “Oh yeahh, the Smiths have cancelled and they are always complaining that none of us is in your league anymore since you have been doing that on-line bridge and practicing now that you’re retired. Maybe I’ll just come up there instead.”

Him: “That would be great! We could crack open a bottle of wine and then ‘go to bed early’ if you know what I mean!”

Her: Grabbing her waist, where that extra 10 pounds that she hasn’t been able to shed since even before they met has somehow migrated to, she mumbles “Ahhhh, yeahhh, sounds good, but this week looks pretty busy so I may just have to sleep to have enough energy for the skiing…”

Him: OK. Well if Wednesday isn’t too busy I was thinking we could go dancing after I make supper when I come home for the night. I know that you love dancing so I have learned a few more dance steps on-line and I’m pretty sure that I could show you what your steps would be too.”

Her: “Ahhh, yeahhh, well I’m still trying to figure-out the last combination you showed me. I need more time to practice. Well, we’ll see how things work out …”


Think what the conversation would be like after 3 years
I wonder if it is going to be at least a few years ‘before we’re on the same page’ if we wouldn’t be better-off finding someone with dissimilar interests!!!
 Leannnnn
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 86
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:06:00 PM
yes, because i figure they will be mad that i am working all the time and they are free all the time.
 dnto
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 87
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/13/2009 5:28:22 PM
Wow, I’m really surprised that there aren’t more people interested in how retirement will/does affect a relationship; just 86 posts in over 2 years with only 21 so far this year.
Lots of views lately but not many posts.
It’s confusing to me.
Is the thread question the wrong question? Is the answer so obvious for everyone else? Do most people not ‘want’ to think about it for some reason? Is there almost nobody in the 45+ age group forum (and I think it’s a pretty safe bet that that you’re not going to find many in the other categories who are thinking of retiring ) who believes that people actually do retire so the question is just a fantasy (or h*ll !!) and belongs in the fantasy/h*ll forum?
OK, soliloquy is over (Hey, it’s my post so I don’t have to call it a rant or tirade!! )
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 88
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/13/2009 5:55:46 PM
Yes...the more commonalities we have, the better a chance for a healthy, long-term relationship....

You know, it wasn't a "great gush of water" that carved out the Grand Canyon, but small drops over time......

And a worker with a retire can be an irritating, "wear the relationship down" experience...so I have heard.
 dontwait1956
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 89
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:11:18 PM
I am retired and I HAVE posted this question. The answers I got was that I was deemed disabled which no one wants, lazy, lying, or people are jealous. That was BEFORE the recession.

I retired young because of the nature of my job. I just qualified for retirement.

I picked the right career and got lucky .

For those that pass on retirees, you are passing on HEALTHY people who have INCOMES and time for you. So the majity who have posted seem to pass on retirees because we are too needy . I am busy during the day getting the car fixed, chores, etc. But at night, it is the same as when i worked. It is my down time. No difference except my time is my own and I have a life time income and i am recession proof.

Would you rather have a workaholic or unemployed bum or a well off retiree that has time for you????

I suppose you do
 dontwait1956
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 90
They need to havea section for us rettired people
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:24:54 PM
That way, we know who has a future in when we get older. And we have someone we can relate to.

PErsonally, i am glad i am out of the work world. my job was not who I am nor was my life it is for too many people. It just paid the bills.

And it IS boring to have to listen to you workers whine about your job or lack of one.

RETIREES can shift though the unemployed, the ones who blew their money and now they are old, the ones that want to travel and have fun.

Seems wanting to have time, the money is what we all work toward. seems that everyone on this site holds managing your finances or picking the right job that still has a penison against you. you can't win on this site.

Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt could not win on this site.
 Phoebe48
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 91
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:20:54 PM

For those that pass on retirees, you are passing on HEALTHY people who have INCOMES and time for you. So the majity who have posted seem to pass on retirees because we are too needy. I am busy during the day getting the car fixed, chores, etc. But at night, it is the same as when i worked. It is my down time. No difference except my time is my own and I have a life time income and i am recession proof.

Would you rather have a workaholic or unemployed bum or a well off retiree that has time for you????

I suppose you do.


Too bad dontwait couldn't wait to hear my response to his post. It was an excellent observation about what early retirees seem to be facing, myself included. I think he made some very valid points.It's difficult to understand why early retirees are passed over....... simply because for their own reasons or advantages, they've been able to leave the "concrete jungle", at an earlier age.
I've had "several" men tell me they wouldn't date me, simply because I'm retired. It's always something!
 aurora1
Joined: 12/6/2005
Msg: 92
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:59:22 PM
I agree with the things Robin4wheels said. I am 55. retired, and financially stable, but barely. For two years I have been dating the most wonderful man--handsome. fit, intelligent, incredibly honest, and tremendous fun to be with. He lost his job before I met him through no fault of his own. We both live frugally, so money has not been a problem. I had assumed that he would get a job as soon as it was possible.

Today he informed me he wants to return to college to get degree that would make him a desirable employee recruit. For HIM, I think this is a great idea. He is an extremely intelligent man who should have got his degree years ago, but didn't because of job offers that came right after high school.

We would be looking at 4-5 years away until he graduates. Not only would I be 60, but I would have lost 5 fun years hiking, traveling, dancing. College requires a 100% commitment.

I do love the man. But I put my ex-husband through college for 8 years, and he left me for another woman in a viscious way.

At my age, even if I love the man I am now with, is staying with him a wise thing for me to do?
 dnto
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 93
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/14/2009 7:48:00 PM
Aurora1 – I think that you will have to do the math together, but I believe that generally there isn’t enough time for sufficient payback in getting a degree at this time of your life (you didn’t say how old he is though) If you want to be together as much as possible and you need more money, it might be possible for both of you to work in lower paying jobs than you would normally do for a part of the year and then do the activites that you love together for the other part of the year. If his motivation is to have the knowledge of the subjects that he would be taking at college, well he can do that through self-study and at his own pace, audit some courses, etc..

Not that it’s important but not sure why you think you couldn’t hike still and dance even if he was going to college?

You said your guy is honest, discuss the options with him, not us. ( Ahhh on the topic of honest, you stated that you love this guy so I’m curious as to why your profile doesn’t indicate that you Aren’t looking for someone now?)
 aurora1
Joined: 12/6/2005
Msg: 94
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:15:30 PM
When I went to college to graduate I committed myself 100%. I was taking 19 units that last semester, and there was no time for anything else. And it was worth it! I was selfish, but it was so very important to me to finish. There are times when it's okay to put yourself first, and if this is important to him, I think he should do it. My question was, at the age of 55, if I agree to give up the fun things which only arrived these last couple of years, will I have missed out on my last opportunity to enjoy them?
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 95
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:37:51 PM
Aurora - I think you BOTH should live your dreams. If he wants to go to college, be supportive of him. At the same token, don't sit at home and wait for him to finish. If you want to travel, by darn, get up and take some trips. You don't need to be joined at the hip 24/7. Right now, you have your health - who knows in 3-5 years. Health is a wild card for anyone - but it gets even more wild over the age of 50. I do think you two can meet in the middle.
 joanne1357
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 96
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/15/2009 2:17:45 AM
Sue has the best answer^^. You just never know what might happen & certainly dont want to say " I shoulda" yrs from now.
Your man isnt going to be studying 24/7, He will need some down time too. And if you love each other, he will need support.

otherwise you are just being selfish & its all about you
 dnto
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 97
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:33:26 AM
It seems like many people online are concerned that there will be friction if the person retired doesn't have lots of things to occupy their day. For those of you who are retired, what about in real life dating or even conversations with people? What do those of the opposite sex who aren't retired say when you tell them you are retired or soon to be? Is the reaction that you get in real life any different than what you get on-line?

As an aside, to 'slightly' increase the chance to find or be found by more people that are interested in retirement, I list 'retirement' in the searchable interest box, (Plus, when I am looking, I provide more information on why retirement is important to me (as well as the other most important interests)) That way, when I decide to look again and unhide my profile, I'll show-up when anyone searches for 'retirement' using the advanced search function.(Yeah, I know, chances are probably better of winning the 1 in 14 million odds lottery, than there being a woman who I would be interested somewhere actually using that search!)
Whatever the chance now, it doesn't really matter that much to me. I know that in real life, it is by doing the things that you like to do that you normally find someone who is compatible. Given that it will be less than 3 years before I retire and do even more of the activities that I enjoy, and that it is likely that my retirement will last more than 10X longer than that, I don't see much benefit in spending a whole lot of time online looking for someone. Once the profile is up, then it’s time to go out and have fun and check back once a week to see if I was the lucky lottery winner this time!
 ottgatman
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 98
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 5/18/2012 8:17:05 AM
Wow, funny how things turn out differently than we think sometimes!( i used to be 'dnto' above)

I never did find anyone who was close to my situation as far as activities, age and proximity to retirement and to whom I felt attracted to.
I am now retired and my girlfriend will probably never fully retire as she isn't in the same financial situation plus she enjoys what she does so why should she .
Through her patience I am now optimistic that our situation can work out even though we are on different pages.
I am now a member of around 10 local 'Meet-Up' groups I think as well as other activity groups so I get to do the things I enjoy, with others, even though she isn't available. I spend some time away during the week fixing-up an apartment in my house for a short-term pied à terre in my village where we will move to when her youngest is gone in a couple years. We are also looking at ways for her to join me for a couple of weeks half-way through extended trips I am planning (like the 3.5 month motorcycle trip to Honduras that I did 2 winters ago). Meanwhile she benefits from normally having me around to do some of the day to day things that used to eat-up her free time so she has more energy to enjoy that time and we both benefit from sharing our privileged lives.

So, it is still relatively early days but I guess I would now recant and say, No, you don't have to be on the same page. What you need is similar core values, some common interests and an openness to explore possibilities.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 99
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 5/18/2012 10:48:48 AM
It's a non issue for my girlfriend and me. Way down the scale compared to how much we love each orher and enjoy life.

I've only had to dabble at work of my choice since my mid 40's...she still likes working full time 10 or so months of the year.. Might be the same when we're 90. It ties in to the thread of living in separate homes...we like being 'boyfriend and girlfriend' and having the thrill of dating, sleeping together couple times a week, making a dinner arrangement, etc. There's more 'spark'.
 tgrlily3
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 100
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 5/18/2012 4:20:53 PM
I can retire in 3 years and 1 month (not that I am counting) and hope to do contract work about 9 months out of the year when I do retire from my real job. Once my kids turn 18, my plan is to leave Minnesota, they can come with me if they want. I'd like to head south where I can scuba dive, garden and ride bike year round.
My retirement plans are another reason why I'm not looking for LT.
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