Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 242
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?Page 16 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
OP - there comes a time when you'd better let the wife know, and that is if you have a STD or worse due to the affair. I kind of wonder how many cheaters have the balls to tell their spouses or S/O's that they've contracted STD's or AIDS through having an affair. Morally, you owe it to tell their spouse. Also, if you become pregnant as a result and the baby is his, I think you owe it to tell the spouse.

Trust me, whether you tell the wife or not, cheating will come back to haunt you and the one you're cheating with. Ain't no free lunch out there. There's always a price to pay, the question is, can you afford to pay it?
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 243
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/6/2007 4:08:10 PM
I am glad to here that thier is some women out thier that do have integrity and i know thier is some men. I cant imagen the pain and hurt cheating does, i never even considered cheating as i cared to much for my wife. One little thrill and look at how many you have hurt.
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 244
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/6/2007 4:09:22 PM
It seems to me like most people are missing why this is really wrong.

If someone's cheating, you're right, there is something wrong. But you are doing the very thing guaranteed never to make it come to resolution and allow progress in both the man and his wife's life.

The wife doesn't have a right to know in order to hurt him. That's idiotic. The wife has a right to know in order to help both of them.

Your little story basically said, "as long as it makes me happy it is perfectly fine to support someone in their deceit of someone else." And, not just a little deceit. This is on the grandest scale stealing nothing trivial like money but things like self esteem and hope.

Most importantly, the spouse being cheated on invested their heart and soul into a future with this person that grows in intimacy. Do I believe someone can love more than one person, of course. Do I believe that the feelings of love that go out and come back to you grow as you share them with more people, of course. But the intense intimacy of a marriage is undermined every time one partner goes outside for intimacy (among many other things). And that intimacy and devotion are so much more important than simple feelings of love.

Of course a married person is generally more attractive. They know how to reach a certain level of intimacy and had to be attractive enough to marry in the first place. On the other hand, if you're with them, they've shown that they are unwilling to go beyond whatever level they have achieved so you'll never have more than you have with them even if they do leave their spouse.
 canyunflyer
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 247
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/6/2007 4:48:04 PM
Great! rednkgirl! Ditto for me!

I don't doubt what the OP was feeling for and about the guy she had the affair with. I believe her emphatically on that. But, the way in which she so indignently rationalized her behaviors...(and his)...., ending with the lop-sided conclusion that a 'real woman walks away in silent dignity'....(or something to that effect), was enough to make all of us who personally Know of the terrible sting of deception and betrayal....Gag!

The point here is simply: The real choice in these matters is whether to have the affair or not. The choice of whether to tell about it afterwards is just some kind of personal spin people put on the whole mess depending on which way best suits their cheating needs. The OP made a good try at it... I will give her that, but in the end..... there is no justification for deception and betrayal...and the resultant destructruction and unfathomable pain that this causes...NONE!!

And..... be especially fearful of those cheating spouses who blame it on the other!!! If you are looking for perhaps the number one indicator of a bad choice in partners.... this just might be it!!
 TensawEagle1
Joined: 1/5/2007
Msg: 248
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:27:45 AM
Hello Anyoneoutthier,

I thought I would make a comment on your quote:


<div class="quote"> I cant imagen the pain and hurt cheating does

Yes sir, it is something I would not wish on an enemy. For you see, I am coming out of a marriage; where the s/o thought the grass was greener on the other side...

Not only did she brake my heart (We were married for 22 years with 3 children), even though the children were up in age, my youngest being 19, it has deeply affected the whole family. It destroyed our family unit. My son, may have trouble ever trusting a women after what he seen her do to...That's probably the worst of it. This happened 3 years ago. For I have been divorced for a year now. And am just now ready to entertain the possibility of meeting another lady. I waited for 2 years seperated to see if she would have a change of heart...She didn't...But, my daughters really got on her about the fact that while I was stuck at home in a loveless marriage on her part she was out seperated dating who ever she pleased...So she finally divorced me and set me free a year ago.

Why, because I do not believe in divorce...and I stuck it out without dating until the divorce was final and faith in the word said I was now free. Almost 3 years. I have yet to date, but I needed the time to get over the betrayal. Yes, my friend the pain dang near drove to me suicide. It just took out (all the air in my sails)all my will to live. However, the Lord used my children to keep me alive. Because, I could not subject them to anymore pain then they already were experiencing, heck they were innocent, and they did not deserve it.

But, some people selfishness knows no end.

The ironic thing about it was she "fell in love (lust)" with another married man with family. Well, I guess she left me to prove to him her love for him...Well, guess what...He wasn't leaving his family...While I do not have any respect for either one of them...At least he didn't betray his family for he is the sole provider...He is a Mexican immigrant living in the U.S. sending his money back home.

Like I said, some peoples selfisness is more important to them no matter how many people they hurt in the process.

Looking back on it now, and at the present. I would rather be on the receiving end of the betrayal then the serving. I just do not want to be that calloussed of heart, and being deluded into thinking that my actions were clean. MAN THAT IS LOST!

To this day the ex is justifying herself and has not even as much as apologized to the children or me. Like I said, I would not want to be in her shoes, with no conscience, with a hardened heart; the lack of respect of her children, that will be there for a lifetime.

Don't get me wrong, I think I have learned to forgive her. However, I am at a stage where I am not about to forget what happened. I wish her well, I just do not wish to associate with her on any level. She destroyed the friendship and ever thing else when she started the lyin and cheating. And, the fact that she absolutly will not except the fact, that this is all her baby...And she alone is to blame for her choice....That is not to say that I am not her friend, for she doesn't even repect herself much less others. But, as a friend and brother in the Lord, I cannot reach her, only the Lord Himself will be able to remove the callousness that has hardened her heart. I pray for her, that is all I can do...

That's why it never ceases to amuse me how the op and even the other poster that claimed she was conned. Have so little or no conscience to this matter (basically in a state of denial), for they are both guiltyof adultery. The OP of this thread knowingly comitted it, and as a sign of her ignorance is basically bragging...with no remorse what so ever. She is just to ignorant(maybe young) to know what she has done. But, little girl, you can run on, but you can't hide from yourself....A cold (calloused) little girl who is oblivious to the damage she has done to herself not to mention the family of the man she had her little what cha ma callit (Adultry)with. She just thinks she is on her merry little road, not realizing that she left part of her heart in that illicit affair. Perhaps she is better off for now not realizing just what that man extracted out of her. For she is now more calloused of heart than before she met this MAN?

About the other lady who posted and told one of the ladies she needs to grow up. No my dear, you might want to think about growing some yourself...You are not as innocent as you might like to think. Weather you realize it yourself or are willing to admit, you knew that you were committing adultry. You ask me how I know? Quite simple Watson, you knew the man was seperated! Therefore you knew he was married and you allowed yourself for one reason (probably lonley) or the other allowed yourself to be sucked into his deception. Weather you want to except it or not...They were still married. AND YOU HAD ABSOLUTLY NO BUISNESS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR MARRIAGE. You, may not know this, but I think you do, being seperated is still married. And that is where your guilt is, and that is how you were tempted in.

In closing, if you do not wish to find yourself in that position again, refrain from any man who is not divorced like the plaugue, for that is what he surley is, and he won't mind sucking up your conscience and heart, for you see he doesn't have much of a one either. He was not free to have a relationship with you, and either were you to him...He was another's, and you violated their union, regardless weather he told you it was ok...Did you ask his wife? No, I didn't think so. .Then you commited adultry with him. Oh, I see part of your reasoning, but that (ignorance thing) cannot be justified. While he will carry the lions share of the guilt. Don't kid yourself...You are carrying some of it too. Suck it up and learn from this valuable lesson... Only then can this experience become of value to you. Until you except accountability for your actions in this matter, you too are being calloused of heart. Sure you do have the option of saying I'm full of "Crap". But I think if you look into your conscience...you'll see that it is vitally connected to your heart. And, you need to protect that at all costs.

Besides that, you are on a dating site. I ask you to consider this after you basically con fessed to the world. What decent man that has seen your POST would be able to trust you, not to do the same thing to him? Unless maybe you showed the maturity and fortitude to say to yourself you were wrong, and that you will never ...ever date a man that is either seperated or married. For they are one and the same.

I do not wish to see you find yourself on the receiving end of adultry, I can assure you it will ripp your guts out. Maybe you might consider asking the Lord's forgiveness? For I know you probably aint up to apologizing to the person that you really owe it to, or deserves it!. Cause, we are all going to stand accountable for our acts that hurt others. I would rather bow up now, then then...Because weather you know it or not, that bosso took a peice of your heart and replaced it with callousness.

Hey kid, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God...Unles you are like one of the many of the ladies up here that claim they believe in nothing ( atheists)...All I can say is ya can take that route if you want too, but it will only lead to more callousness... and one day they are going to know that was the wrong answer... One Day when their standing in front of the Lord trying to explain why they don't believe;*) That will be interesting...

One things for sure, no body comes out of adultry unscathed, weather you believe in God or not.



Rick

btw, You were seeking what when you posted this? Confirmation that you were not gulity of anything? Maybe you are smart and can get the callousedness off your heart. Or maybe not, and you can be like the Little Girl who posted this thread basically bragging about what she did. I wish you well...And hope you make a good decision!
 Angelnurse10
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 249
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/8/2007 12:26:19 PM
OMG. This is the most stupid thing I have ever read in here. If I was the wife I would want to know. Maybe your right that the wife may have some idea that the husband is cheating, but with who is probably hard to find out. Can you imagine how the wife must feel if she does know , and she sits home night after night, because the freaking husband does wants his cake and eat it too. He has no intention of leaving the other woman, as long as he can get sex when he wants and then come home and play the happy little family. Get a clue, most married men that cheat, do not leave their wives unless they get caught. I for one, have been asked out by many married men (not on this site) but other ones. Usually the comment is, I have no intention of leaving my wife, but I am looking for some fun. Ughhhh. I always email them back and tell them they should be ashamed of theirselves. Doesn't sound like you have ever been married, so you have no idea how much pain you can cause.
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 250
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/9/2007 9:16:59 PM
No esceptions for me

If you want or need variety...don't take marriage VOWS. Stay single, have a blast...whatever turns your crank.

I'm always amazed that the "other" woman (or guy) is blamed for more for adultery than the married person is...not saying that it's cool to mess around with married people..'cause it isn't. But at the end of the day it is the married persons fault...because they have taken VOWS. That's what marriage means. You either work on it...or you split. That's my opinion...if that's not the case why call it married at all? Don't make a promise you can't keep..I was taught that at about age 7.

VOW–noun
1. a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment: marriage vows; a vow of secrecy.
2. a solemn promise made to a deity or saint committing oneself to an act, service, or condition.
3. a solemn or earnest declaration.

I would tell the wife if she was a friend...or the husband (I have guy friends) DISCREETLY.

Somehow it coming from the "other" seems more to me like shit disturbing. Like maybe the "other" wants to break up the marriage for their own personal agenda.
 Mr Bain
Joined: 12/6/2004
Msg: 252
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 1:30:38 AM
If you're on the cheating side of the affair, you're screwed. That person you had your fling with suddenly has immense power of you. They can do anything.

They can go to your spouse and say "Hey, guess what?"

I would never give someone that much power over me- no matter how attractive or irresistable they might be.
 TensawEagle1
Joined: 1/5/2007
Msg: 263
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/10/2007 4:50:31 PM
Hey there Ms Inlet,

Sure wish I still had my boat, that way I could come and dock it up by you...

Hey thanks for the complement!

Oh Yes, and to Mr. Equus2.

Man, do you sound like you have some issues...The other persons fault for anothers transgressions? All I am going to say, is I hope one day you will not have to eat that comment. It isn't to tastey!

Your not trying to get on any of the ladies "Favorite's List" are you? I didn't think so.

BTW, on a serious note...not that I need the competition or anything...You might try putting a picture with a close up on your profile, so the ladies could see you...Your not that bad lookin, but can't tell from that distance.

Oh yea, this is from a loser who's s/o commited adultry, stupid me...Shoulda seen it coming...Dude give it a break...that was a really calloused statement if I do say so myself

Is it any wonder why your still up here fishing?...No offense buddy, but if I was a lady I would pass...You know I think one of the things ladies look for in a guy is compassion, and by your post you seem to be a little bit light in that department.

Just a loser's opinion, NOT...

Rick TensawEagle
 whisper67520
Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 265
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 9/20/2007 3:44:10 PM
kanpeaches..."The woman should have the same opportunity to make decisions for her life while the husband is making decisions for himself"

absolutely true. When one party of a marriage is out screwing around, the other party has every right to know,....... a fair playing field for all concerned, the same in a committed relationship. Any other game is dishonest to the one not knowing the game or playing rules.
 odawg666
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 270
view profile
History
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 10/10/2007 5:53:49 PM
This such a howl for a topic. Yes who considered the Wife when the affair was started? Yes I agrre the wife should be aware of the affair, but don't pretend to that telling her or anyone is an act of concern or kindness in anyway. If anyone should tell it should be the husband. Try telling her before the affair starts and see what happens. My ex-wife told me she was having an affair and expected me to just accept it. Yeah! Right! So I know that being told is an attack of sorts. I had clues before that and I choose to overlook them and suffered the consequences. But being told was the worse thing that ever happened to me. I tried to make the marriage work but it was doomed from then on.
 arizonadeb
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 271
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 10/10/2007 9:31:42 PM
I didnt read all the post, but this one is near and dear to my heart lol...
Quick run down, noone told me about his affair, found out purely by accident.. I wish someone would have had enough balls to tell me, it would have saved me lots of heartache.
After kicking him out, went to the doc to get checked.. then after careful considersation confronted both of them... some things got heated but it happens...
The funny part is hubby, now wants to come home cause miss wonderful is cheating on him.... After I stopped laughing and asked if Hell froze over..Asked him how it felt... Gotta love Karma... It always comes back to bite you in the a**
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 273
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 10/11/2007 2:19:44 AM
Put your self in thier shoes, dont you figure you should have some one that truely loves you and you truely love them, so it tells you a cheater cant love any one but thier self. I would want to know as life is to short to put up with a cheater.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 275
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 10/11/2007 1:11:55 PM
You people that dont think the women or man should tell the cheaters mate should have the same thing happen to you if you ever get married and i sure hope it does. I hope he or she has one hell of fling as you deserve it.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 277
The Married Man - Why Tell The Wife?
Posted: 10/11/2007 10:25:14 PM
Its odd that the cheater is taking care if thier problem but its not with thier mate its withsomeone else, so how is the mate to know thier is a problem. now alot say the mate knows long before i dont belive that is a sure thing they may know the is trouble in the marriage but not to where the other is cheating. HOW MANY OF YOU KNEW YOUR MATE WAS CHEATING BEFORE SOME ONE TOLD YOU THEY WERE.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >