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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Sea_N_Stars
Joined: 12/14/2012
Msg: 498
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?Page 62 of 62    (22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62)

" being a 3rd wheel is also very awkward and uncomfortable and generally friends are always with their boyfriends/girlfriends. It's not fun being "That guy" or "That girl" that is the only one at the party that didn't bring someone with them."
That is one of the worse reasons for being a couple I have heard.


I would agree that committing yourself to someone for the sole purpose of having a "+1" at parties and social functions is a bad idea because you are really just using the other person. However....


Sad that so many buy into the myth that people can't be happy unless they are with someone.

Only someone who has "been there, done that" can feel this way, I think.

I moved to my current location in September to go back to school. It's been three months, and it feels like 6th grade all over again. Everyone has divided out into their cliques, and closed the borders of their inner circles. Not for the first time, I feel like I'm on one side of a glass wall watching everyone else on the other side lead normal, happy lives with each other. There's a door, and when I try to go through, I'm chucked right back out. There is being single, and there is being alone. And there is a huge difference between them.

I feel like sucker punching everyone who has ever asked me the question "Why don't you get a girlfriend?" because 1.) I can't answer that question without either lying or sounding totally pathetic and 2.) because they ask the question with the same tone that they might use when asking "Why don't you get an iPhone?" [sarcasm]Because everyone knows getting an iPhone is just as easy as finding a SO[/sarcasm].

One important lesson I have learned thus far in life is this:
Most commonly given advice about finding someone only works for people who never had trouble finding someone on their own and didn't need the advice they are trying to give. It doesn't work for people who feel like they have always been alone or always will be. Let me give a few examples:

1.) "Just be yourself." (As opposed to being what? Abraham Lincoln?) BULL. People who are successful in finding relationships can be themselves. People who aren't successful cannot. I've been being myself for 29 years. It hasn't worked. I need to leave myself behind and be someone new if I'm to find any kind of relationship.

2.)"Stop trying so hard and let it happen." BULL. It never, ever "just happens," unless you have some magic about you that causes people to naturally gravitate your way. For the rest of us, you don't just wake up one day and find a new girlfriend or boyfriend next to you in bed. People don't just drop out of the sky into your lap. There are no knights in shining armor to rescue you, out of the blue, from your loneliness. You will never, ever find a SO without a ton of effort to be the person he/she wants you to be, to work your way up the hierarchy and be #1 in their life, and work past all the barriers they, and others, put up between you and him/her. The only thing that "just happens" without any effort at all is bachelorhood.

3.) "A person who truly cares about you likes you for who you are, not the way you dress, what phone you have, etc." BULL, BULL and BULL. Well, mostly. You may not THINK you are the phone in your pocket, the shirt on your back or the shoes on your feet, but when making a first impression, that is ALL you are, and ever will be afterwards in their mind. Perception is the only thing that counts, especially in today's world of marketing and consumerism. If you dress in rags, people will treat you like you're homeless. If you're overweight, people assume you don't take care of yourself. So dress in the latest fashion (even if you think it looks awful), get all the coolest gadgets (even if you can't use them) and get ready to be seen and accepted - and PERCEIVED - as a person worth associating with. This is the way people think. People are shallow. You can't change that, but you can change yourself.

4.) "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." This is only half-bull. What they should say is "If at first you don't succeed, you screwed something up." Try again, but do something DIFFERENT. If you keep making the same mistakes, you're just banging your head against a wall.

I wrote this as much for my own benefit as for anyone else. I am taking the first step to admitting that there is something wrong with ME that needs to change before I can have success with relating to people. It is very, very easy to fall into a pit of self-pity, blame everyone else for not pulling you out, and wallow there forever. The simple, hard truth is that no one cares that you are down in that pit. No one. You can stay there forever as far as anyone else is concerned. It's not their problem, it doesn't affect them. Only you can get yourself out of it by one of two ways: 1.) Change yourself to be the person that others want you to be so that they will accept you, i.e., conform, or 2.) Be yourself, and accept that "yourself" will be alone.
 sun_and_cinnamon
Joined: 12/3/2013
Msg: 499
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/7/2013 5:31:09 PM
It is starting to phase me now at 30, when I used to picture things much differently....as others have said tho rather be single than be with the wrong one.
 nickwisni
Joined: 11/20/2013
Msg: 500
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History
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/8/2013 11:23:29 PM
A lot of people picture their lives going differently. If you would have asked me a year ago if my life was going as I pictured it, I would of answered yes. Come to this year and having a relationship of nine years going down the drain can change a lot. Though when things go wrong like that, you can learn a lot about yourself. Apparently I was with the wrong person as I let myself become what they wanted me to be and not myself. I will admit I have asked myself if I ever will find someone again, that is a question I don't know the answer to.

To all those worried about being alone forever: just a thought and my opinion from what I learned from my short experience of being single again. It is not about finding happiness with another or even someone to share your life as you can share your life with anyone such as family and friends. You can only have true happiness if you are happy with yourself and your life.
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 501
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/11/2013 11:33:14 PM
Yes, I feel like I will be alone forever! Only one serious boyfriend my whole life was about 5 years ago. After that, no one really wanted to be in a relationship with me. The straw that broke the camel's back was earlier this year when I was abandoned while my health was declining and I lost someone very precious to me. All he cared about was finding the right girl for him which apparently wasnt me. After that, I pretty much gave up.
 Iteration77
Joined: 8/22/2013
Msg: 502
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/12/2013 12:13:31 PM

To all those worried about being alone forever: just a thought and my opinion from what I learned from my short experience of being single again. It is not about finding happiness with another or even someone to share your life as you can share your life with anyone such as family and friends. You can only have true happiness if you are happy with yourself and your life.


I'll 2nd this from the standpoint of being single 'again' for a bit longer - 5.5 years out of a 21+ year marriage.

I have gotten a LOT of advice from married/coupled friends and co-workers over the years as I bumbled through the single/dating life. All assured me the best way to find a happy relationship was to first be happy with myself.

Well? Maybe we all need to redefine the end goal. For me the realization has been that the true reward of being happy with myself is NOT that it will result in me finding a long lasting relationship but that it doesn't matter if I do or not. I'm not discounting it completely but either way I am ok.

And that? Is priceless!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 503
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/12/2013 1:35:09 PM

Most commonly given advice about finding someone only works for people who never had trouble finding someone on their own and didn't need the advice they are trying to give. It doesn't work for people who feel like they have always been alone or always will be.

This topic is about mindset. We're not truly alone unless we're isolated or have no friends and family. The absence of an SO does not equal alone-ness. While I haven't always been single, I'm not horrified by the thought - and if I had been that would have been fine with me most of the time - sure everyone has a bad day, but you get over it.

The more you care the harder it is to deal with. That's the bottom line. The less important you think it is to be part of a couple the less it matters what everyone else is doing. Also, everyone's relationship behind closed doors isn't usually what they want you to think it is out in public.

Not wanting to be involved unless/until it works for you is the mindset that works best - not whether anyone wants you, but whether you want anyone who doesn't want the same. To some degree it's a choice.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 504
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/12/2013 4:54:17 PM
I feel like I will never be alone ever.

I miss being alone, it would be nice to spend a month with no one I know within 30 feet. I haven't spent 15 minute alone in the house for the last 8 months. The most alone time I get is in the gym.

I have only felt really lonely once in my life. Once when I moved to Washington DC by myself, didn't know anyone, went to work and then spent months in my apartment without knowing anyone in town. It started to bother me after about 3 months. No friends, no family for a 1000 miles. But that was 30 years ago, so I am not sure how long it would take me to start feeling lonely.

Several times in the last 13 years I had traveled with other couples, often I would start to feel like a third wheel and someone they had to accommodate. That was the only time I started to miss not having a SO. But now that I am married and traveling as two couples, it gets hard to balance out the different desires, goals, eating habits, styles of travel when there are 4 or more people involved.

I like being married, but I also enjoy being alone for periods of time. I spent a month in Alaska, but I was with my brother. Often wanted to go back and spend a month in a tent with no one within a 100 miles. Just to see how that feels.

So I say enjoy being alone while you get the chance.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 505
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/12/2013 5:23:58 PM
[Sad that so many buy into the myth that people can't be happy unless they are with someone.]

"Only someone who has "been there, done that" can feel this way, I think."

Yes maybe but take the word of experience--being with someone can be hell, or fleetingly nice, or they leave at any time.

Don't give someone all your power is all one means, because then your peace and well being is in the hands of circumstance instead of your inner core.

Been there, done that--miserable. Much better now. No dependence on coupledom to justify an existence, but open to collaboration at different periods when that is of interest.

"feels like 6th grade all over again. Everyone has divided out into their cliques, and closed the borders of their inner circles. Not for the first time, I feel like I'm on one side of a glass wall watching everyone else on the other side lead normal, happy lives with each other. There's a door, and when I try to go through, I'm chucked right back out. There is being single, and there is being alone. And there is a huge difference between them."

I call it high school, who we were there ..follows us all our lives. It's our perception based on our formative self. Yours is different generation- so you get early menses and perhaps this identity earlier.

I've learned this was MY perception I projected. Perhaps others are benign or open to you but you assume the worst, you yourself are too self critical to see others are willing to know you? Defensive?
I understand rough self critiques and cringing about perceived imperfections. You will realize the cliche everybody's too busy thinking of themselves to think of you at all is still true.

"I feel like sucker punching everyone who has ever asked me the question "Why don't you get a girlfriend?""

Have a ready quip, leave it that.

"One important lesson I have learned thus far in life is this:
Most commonly given advice about finding someone only works for people who never had trouble finding someone on their own and didn't need the advice they are trying to give. "

Actually not true. Many wallflowers got bored being scared of interactions and aged or grew out of it.

" People who are successful in finding relationships can be themselves. People who aren't successful cannot. I've been being myself for 29 years. It hasn't worked. I need to leave myself behind and be someone new if I'm to find any kind of relationship."

Well reinvention is a lovely thing, I believe in it but you're still you.

2.)"Stop trying so hard and let it happen." BULL. It never, ever "just happens," unless you have some magic about you that causes people to naturally gravitate your way. "

Women just do diet, exercise, hair and make up, try to charm. Men can do this, but many don't think they should have to.

"For the rest of us, you don't just wake up one day and find a new girlfriend or boyfriend next to you in bed. People don't just drop out of the sky into your lap. "

A gf said this kind of stuff to me, like I was rolling in dates. No, in the past I sought them out. Men are easy though.

3.) "A person who truly cares about you likes you for who you are, not the way you dress, what phone you have, etc." BULL, BULL and BULL. Well, mostly. You may not THINK you are the phone in your pocket, the shirt on your back or the shoes on your feet, but when making a first impression, that is ALL you are, and ever will be afterwards in their mind. Perception is the only thing that counts, especially in today's world of marketing and consumerism."

I only like if he looks healthy--no vices, looks emotionally and physically well and shares interests. A phone, gadgets I find materialistic--rather see him save money and read books.

4.) "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." This is only half-bull. What they should say is "If at first you don't succeed, you screwed something up." Try again, but do something DIFFERENT. "

Yes, analyze what worked, what didn't, exactly.

"I wrote this as much for my own benefit as for anyone else. I am taking the first step to admitting that there is something wrong with ME that needs to change before I can have success with relating to people."

Perhaps you're shy and very hard on yourself, maybe if you were more self accepting you could relax, get some friends first and get more acclimated to your environment, and stop doing what all shy people do--think everybody is judging and noticing them. Not the case.

" It is very, very easy to fall into a pit of self-pity, blame everyone else for not pulling you out, and wallow there forever. The simple, hard truth is that no one cares that you are down in that pit. No one. You can stay there forever as far as anyone else is concerned. It's not their problem, it doesn't affect them. "

Wow, you thought someone would pull you out?Where'd you get that notion?

"Only you can get yourself out of it by one of two ways: 1.) Change yourself to be the person that others want you to be so that they will accept you, i.e., conform, or 2.) Be yourself, and accept that "yourself" will be alone."

There are more than 2 choices. I'd reject both if offered to me.
I'm incapable of turning myself into someone else and yet had friends, ltrs.
Known many like myself, so all this is in your perception. If you want to think like this just admit you want to conform and be accepted . Many do.
I can't imagine the appeal except that you all buy the same things, look interchangeable, don't stand out, and have a gang mentality. Be a part of the majority if you want.
 snugglebunch
Joined: 11/17/2013
Msg: 506
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/13/2013 4:32:02 AM
Hello i feel the same way ,im a widower an been on here for months have met a few but in my opinion there not men thee boys some need to grow the heck up.well i sit home every nit then come on here ,but im tired of this but im still here ,i think i rether be alone 2 it beats get hurt an trashed up ,,yes it gets me down i see all my friends happy an in love why cany we find that,,well im ahappy go luck fat girl too but when they ask for my pic i show them then get nasy comments i feel women like us need to stick togwether,they dont no wat there missing ,
 rosewood_girl
Joined: 10/30/2013
Msg: 507
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 12/13/2013 12:44:38 PM
The men on here are vicious and cruel towards overweight women. Its kinda funny cause the majority of them that act like this have no picture, or they are not really all that good looking. They don't get it that people have feelings, then they get all butt hurt when you say something they don't like.
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