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 BRASS
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 26
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I'm 51 and have never been married. When I say single, I mean never married.A few weeks ago a lady at my church was shocked when I told her I had never been married. Like its weird to be my age and never married? And the grief I get from my family.
I 've been in relationships but it never worked out. I'm all for marriage, I just don't want to make a mistake.
My youth was spent doing lots of traveling to strange and unusual places, I craved the excitement and adventure. Actually I'm surprised that i've survived this long.
I did meet the ideal woman some time ago, but she died. That's life and God knows it really ain't fair. So I'll just keep plugging along.
 Isispriest
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 27
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/19/2007 1:21:20 AM
I have never been married, but I was in a 12yr common-law relationship with 2 planned kids and a mortgage. We discussed marriage, but she wasn't into it. Or, as it turned out maybe she just wasn't that into me.
Why would anyone feel embarrassed about being single here? This is a dating site for singles to find a relationship or some dates, for goddess' sakes.
I would prefer to date someone who has been in a long serious relationship previously. At least they have shown they may be capable of sharing deeply and being true.
Tell ya'll though, I prefer to date women who have had children! I find if someone, man or woman, has never been a parent, they have little conception of what it is like to make someone else the priority, to live for something else besides their own wishes and interests.
Now of course I recognize that this is a generality, which does not apply in all cases, i.e.: Mother Teresa, Florence Nightengale.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 28
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/19/2007 4:50:35 AM
Tink, you might want to actually read the post. C'mon, I know you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Here, let me help you. . .

It doesn't say "SINGLE" people are crazy, it says those who have not had a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP are a cause for concern. If you read the post, you would see that I am DEFENDING SINGLE PEOPLE. I know it's a lot to ask someone to pay attention when it's four sentences, but really, let's try, shall we?

Tink, do you understand the difference between being "single" and "never having a long term relationship"? Read it again slowly. SINGLE versus LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. Right there, I even made it bold for you.

I've never seen so many men with reading comprehension problems. Let me know if you need further help with that one.


I very much appreciate your thoughtfulness in the feeble attempt to help me comprehend the English language. It is my native tongue and throughout my school years, English and its comprehension was one of my strongest attributes.

Perhaps it is you who does not comprehend the written word. I am not only single but, to add insult to injury, I have also chosen to not have a long term relationship. It might be prudent to not assume that people, other than yourself of course, do not possess the intelligence to comprehend the written word.

There also appears to be some degree of visual impairment as well. My profile clearly states that I am female. Given that it was pointed out that I have a reading comprehension problem, then it must mean that I am also included in the sweeping statement about men having this problem as well.

Thanks for the chuckle this morning.

Tink



 Firmbear8
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 29
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/19/2007 7:38:21 AM
Well now I am 51 and yes single never been married Yet!
Oh thats a nasty thing most of you are thinking!
Hey I am not like alot of you whom are now single because you didn't think with your minds before you got married. I do think with my mind !LOL
And yes I am a picky fellow when it comes to my heart strings. Oh sure alot of people fall for the flash& awh they see and then later end up devorced maybe with little kid's to boot . And then when your back single again your still mad from your last mistakes and so us singles never been married people over 45 are looked on as either freaks or there must be something wrong with us . Well theres not and we enjoy the fancy flash& awh just like the rest of you but we also know what we are seeking and if its not there then we don't get married .
 bonniebrownap
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 30
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/19/2007 10:15:36 AM
I only know of one man that has never been married or had children. My take on the situation is that he got caught up in the career building mode. I questioned him on his lack of commitment and see now that he truly did let time slip by. He is now ready to correct his ways, but, caught up in all of todays myths of "never married" men. This man is stable, financially secure, kid oriented and all the plumbing works. It seems to me that the problem is the female questioning of his "why haven't you been divorced" life. If it weren't for the fact that he is distant kin, he would have a problem with me. lol.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 31
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/19/2007 12:59:14 PM
I have given up on being agog by anything I see/read anymore.

This is just another case of people with failed marriages judging others if they haven't been down the same route.

Certainly if a truly single person has been engaged multiple times, and walk out just before the wedding committment maybe the issue.

However, if the right person just hasn't shown up etc. then why call them as having committment issues.
 vbxtc
Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 32
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/19/2007 9:48:36 PM
I'm only 43 but feel compelled to contribute...

I have never been married. That doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with me, and I'm not gay. People who get to know me ask me all of the time why I haven't been "snatched up". It only means that I have waited my entire life to find the right person to share that life with, and it hasn't happened yet (although my current SO may soon change that...). My parents divorced whan I was 8 and I have no desire to repeat that experience myself. Otherwise I would have "settled" a long time ago and instead of a suspect unmarried man, I could be another bitter divorce' visiting his kids on the weekends. But hey, my parents and grandparents would have gotten some joy out of seeing me get married, right?

The other assumption/accusation unmarried men over 40 face is that we are "commitment phobic". It certainly doesn't apply in my case. Most of my 30's were spent in a long-term (8 years) relationship that included engagement. It ended because we realized marriage would have been a mistake, and she's still my best friend. I've also been in two other committed relationships and look forward marriage whenever it happens. But it will happen because I want it to, not because I "should".
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 33
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 11:57:49 AM
Single never married is a subject that I want to know more about as it hasn't been what I have experienced in my lifestyle.

I want to know how the circumstance of never being married came about because I want to see how people who have lived differently to me think.

Want I don't want to know is how people like to put down anyone who has a different opinion simply because they don't agree with people being truly single.

Single, divorced, widowed - I want to know about how these things have made people feel in society in general, so I guess I am going to have to deal with all the negative thoughts of people who don't understand some thing that they haven't experienced personally.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 34
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 12:43:16 PM

Single never married is a subject that I want to know more about as it hasn't been what I have experienced in my lifestyle.
I want to know how the circumstance of never being married came about because I want to see how people who have lived differently to me think.


I don't know that going through a ceremony and sharing bills is that much of a difference in lifestyle, than those who lived together and/or simply paid for a lot of their SOs stuff. And I don't think never being married makes anyone think differently...especially if one has always wanted ot be married with children.


Want I don't want to know is how people like to put down anyone who has a different opinion simply because they don't agree with people being truly single.
Single, divorced, widowed - I want to know about how these things have made people feel in society in general, so I guess I am going to have to deal with all the negative thoughts of people who don't understand some thing that they haven't experienced personally.


I don't feel any differently in society because I've never been married. I'm grateful I didn't make the mistake of marrying any of the 3 (or was it 4?) I was engaged to...as I'd definitely have been divorced by now. I would like to get rid of the wedding dress hanging in my closet though, since I also had to pay off the bills for the wedding I didn't have. I also don't believe that one has to necessarily experience something to know how they feel about it. Take having kids for example. I don't have any of my own, but I have helped ot raise kids; I also have wonderful parents who gave me not only a good foundation, morals, values, etc., but they also showed me what makes a parent good. I've seen many people who have had kids who don't know a damn thing about how to raise a child. Would you rather get the opinion of an alcoholic, abusive parent who personally had kids (but didn't know how to raise them) or mine?

As far as marriage, so far I've experienced everything but the ceremony, so I don't think married people have been through anything that much different marriage-wise than many of us...and though I haven't had a legal divorce (never having been legally married) I can tell you that after a very long relationship, it's still not easy to go through dissolving it.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 35
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:17:17 PM
I guess I am old fashion. If someone tells me that they are single/never married, I don't think they mean that they have had long term relationships or have children.

If some tells me they are single never married, I think why would they never have had a live in relationship. It is very helpful to explain that while someone hasn't been married, they have been in a married type relationship, but never made it legal.

There is a big difference between single/never married, and single? but have had common law relationship and possible children.

I wonder what the correct legal designation is for someone who lived common law and had children............doesn't the tax department consider that single?
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 36
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 3:32:13 PM

I wonder what the correct legal designation is for someone who lived common law and had children............doesn't the tax department consider that single?


Moraima, the tax department (or CCRA) would not necessarily consider it single in Canada, at least. I can't recall the exact length of time required for cohabitation of two individuals without the benefit of marriage for it to be called a common-law union and common-law unions are recognized by the Canadian courts and government. It matters not whether there were children as a result of this union but is based on the length of time of cohabitation of the adults in an exclusive relationship. It's been a while since I worked in divorce law so I'm not up to date on the time periods and other fine details. Sorry.

To answer your question, "common-law" is a legal definition of one's marital status in Canada anyway.

Tink
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 37
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 4:20:40 PM
I think the term single leads to more questions than it answers.
 TimothyAL
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 38
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 6:41:52 PM
The men I know my age that have never been married, i.e. single, are womanizers, homosexuals, or too neurotic to get into a long term relationship. Sorry to throw a wrench in the "feel good" discussion, but that's my personal experience.

I personally know one guy who is well placed in society that keeps several women on a string and manages to juggle them all the time. He's in his late 50's. The women he targets all have low self esteem, few close friends, and want a "higher" station in life.

He is not a friend of mine, just an acquaintance. Likable fellow, but a cad none the less.
 TimothyAL
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 39
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 8:11:03 PM

^^^and I know some married men who do the same. Have several women on a string and juggle not only them but their wives too................ Some of them inhabit dating sites. Marital status seems to have no bearing on which men are cads.


I know what you mean! There are a lot of men out there that say they are doing that. How much is BS and how much true is another question!

But, none the less, a cad is a cad. Be careful! If a man tries to rushe you to bed, he probably does not have your best interests at heart.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 40
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/20/2007 8:45:27 PM
For me, it's simple: I was married twice, and divorced twice. I'm not ashamed of that, and I don't conceal it. The last time around we lived together. I was with him when he died. According to the state of Texas, and therefore the death certificate, but nowhere else, I am his common law widow. When I first got on this site I put down "widowed" and lord did the creeps come crawling out of the woodwork! I'm still not certain *exactly* what that word means to them, but it translates nicely for me into TARGET. After I deleted my profile, and returned, I put down single. Imma gonna leave it that way.

If there's room for not single/not looking for people who are dating and/or living together, single is fine as far as far as I'm concerned.

If others, based on a one second look, have a problem with it: so be it.


 terry44030
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 41
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:15:39 AM
I have read 5 pages of drivel in this thread. I don't care if you're never-married, divorced 9 times, widowed, or married and cheating, everyone is here for a reason. I suspect that the reason is.....because you want to change your relationship status.
I am astounded that those of us who are divorced or common-law-dumped have the AUDACITY to judge the never-marrieds as "damaged goods", "mental cases", or "afraid to commit".
It would seem to me that if you were in a COMMITTED relationship, and are no longer in it, than YOU ARE< IN FACT the damaged goods.
With the warped outlooks most of you have, it's no wonder that no one can put up with you!!!

I am 45 and own my home, and 2 others. I have a (stable) income and a favorable credit rating. I have never been in a penitentiary or psychiatric hospital. I have no children of my own, but I am a "godfather" to a great couple of kids. (I'm on the birth certificate of one, and kinda sorta 'adopted' into being his sister's godfather).

I came to POF in the hope of finding a woman to spend my remaining years with in (reasonable) happiness. I assumed that I was to be honest in my profile. I guess that a lot of people are just so used to having others bend to conform to their ideologies that they can't even recognize reality any more. No wonder they're here.
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 42
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 9:07:37 AM
Ok, I made it back. We all are a strong, DIVERSE, opinionated bunch.

Drivel as defined by Webster:

VERB:
driv·eled or driv·elled , driv·el·ing or driv·el·ling , driv·els
VERB:1. To slobber; drool.2. To flow like spittle or saliva3. To talk stupidly or childishly.

There is not a person here that, (including the poster who mentioned this) that is spouting drivel. I thank you for that. I also thank EVERYONE for their OPINIONS

Someone asked me about my separation/divorce issues. I did wait for someone until I was over 30. This is why... in my early/mid twenties I participated in a drug saturated rural community; I moved to get away from it and found myself in the midst of big city cokeville. Was it the times?...or just bad choices? Both...so I worked 50-90 hours a week to stay away from it. When it all got to be too lonely and I burnt out on the job...I moved back home. By then some of the coke people were so burnt UP (or in jail) that peace descended in the rural town. I met an old aquiantance who was divorcing and had two kids, (instant family), but one hell of an EX wife...phew.

It seemed worth it to me. We married; had child of our own; I raised all the kids because the ex was very self absorbed. After 10 years of marriage, I opened my eyes to the fact that my spouse couldn't, and would never talk to me and he was not going to stop drinking. The pressures of his life I could not change....I tried so hard to make his life as comfortable as I could. I never knew how that was going because he never talked to me...I had so little to go on. The last seven years were spent trying to deal with it and coming to terms with my thoughts. I gave too much and did not ask for enough.....love.

We did not take the time to get to know one another and be friends to one another before we married. He has baggage from his growing up years he refuses to look at....it's very sad because he is a good person in so many ways. Why do people medicate with booze or drugs? Pain and fear....he remains in denial....so I had to move on. Fortunately, all the kids love me and come to me as the mother/parent/friend/confidante. I gained that and cherish it.

I don't know what to change about myself because I don't know what I did right or wrong....he couldn't, wouldn't tell me. I can only guess that I'm too independent for a person like him. When I finally had the guts to confront him about his drinking; he chose drinking.

BUT....back to the topic at hand.

What I'm getting from many of the truly single people is what I really wanted to know....THANK YOU so much for that. I see being truly single as STRENGTH and having good judgement about LTR's.

For all of us that recover from marriages and try again, I would speculate that we need to hone our judgement and we likely have. Being over 40-45 should give us the tools we needed to do that, what's more.....I think we ALL should make use of everyone's experiences, here AND IRL.

We tell our kids to learn from OUR experiences....we should listen and learn from OUR peers in this group too.

Key words LISTEN and LEARN.

thank you, tuka
 terry44030
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 43
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 9:45:38 AM
Turk, I thank you for the dictionary definitions of drivel. IMHO, the third definition applies to several of the posters in this thread.

3. To talk stupidly or childishly.

As was stated several times previously in many ways, private definitons are quite different than Websters'. I invite all of you people out there that "know" there is an ABNORMALITY in un-married people over 45 (or any age), to post the factual information substantiating your claims.

Sevearl of you DISS me simply because I chose not not wed the woman that I was engaged to and learned was a drunkard, or the fiancee who got herself a b/f and another guy she was screwing, while living with me in a LTR. You say it's a defect in me. This, in MY definition , is DRIVEL.

Before several of you jump down my throat about this, all I'm saying is you shouldn't prejudge me (or any of us) simply based on our marital status.

Here's a thought, try getting to know people before you meet them and get married.
 Tukabirdy
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 44
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 10:06:51 AM
That last line....get to KNOW a person,



YEP....that's the one.

Get to know them and open the eyes, learn, listen, get to know.

So...are the schools or parents going to teach relationship classes soon?

OK, OK....the OVER 45's get to do it....think the general public would trust us?
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 45
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 10:07:27 AM
Wanna ~~ Maybe they think you've got a big insurance settlement? For sure, they think you're vulnerable. And from what I've heard from other widows, they also think you're horny, lol! All I can say, is that it was most unpleasant. . . .


 TimothyAL
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 46
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 3:25:56 PM

As was stated several times previously in many ways, private definitons are quite different than Websters'. I invite all of you people out there that "know" there is an ABNORMALITY in un-married people over 45 (or any age), to post the factual information substantiating your claims.


I thought that was what I did in my original post. But here is more. A college dean at a prominent college that uses women to cover his penchant for young men. Nobody talks about it in public because he comes from an old money family, but everybody knows details because his lovers don't all keep quiet. He keeps a string of women to be seen with in public places. A confirmed bachelor nearing retirement.

My aforementioned acquaintance that has been successfully keeping a string of women for sexual partners for many years. He's a bit of a legend in that matter. Confirmed bachelor at 58.

A distant cousin of mine that dates women until he starts believing that they are out to get him in some way and he starts ducking them. The women keep coming because he inherited a lot of money early in life. The drugs he used early in life probably had something to do with his behavior.

I've also know numerous other men that are younger and remain confirmed bachelors for the same reasons. An engineer I used to work with that is in his 40's and likes young women. He lives in a college town and gets rid of them when they reach 24 or 25. He's good at getting them too!

I find all that sort of thing disturbing and disgusting. To use someone in such a manner and then discard them is the height of conceit and reprehensible. But then again, I've been told I was born 200 years too late.
 terry44030
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 47
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:21:06 PM
DRG wins the big prize! he hit the nail on the head. It's better to be in no relationship, than to be in a bad one.
 TimothyAL
Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 48
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/21/2007 8:24:27 PM

DRG wins the big prize! he hit the nail on the head. It's better to be in no relationship, than to be in a bad one.


Wrong answer. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.

To quote the Bard
 bwylde
Joined: 3/30/2007
Msg: 49
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/22/2007 2:26:51 AM
Wow! I can't believe i actually feel i should contribute to this forum!Anyways, over 45 and single shouldn't be that big of a deal. If the right person hasn't come along, they haven't. Not that big of a deal. Doesn't mean that there's baggage or fear of commitment(or mentally ill-ha ha!) The right person hasn't come along! I think if the right person happened along, there would be no hesitation.(for most people) I guess to me, marriage is a permanent thing, probably because of how my parents were. (old time values, and still liked oneanother after 40 some years/A rarity) I'm 47, never married, and i don't think i'm that mental. I've been in a 8 yr, 4 yr, and a 5 yr relationship and sidestepped marriage twice because i guess for some underlying reason, i didn't think it was going to be permanent. I think too many people use it too lightly, and this is just from things i have been told: like, "i want our kids to have my last name-i don't want to have to adopt them," "i thought that if we get married, they'll stop screwing around," this is as good as it gets,(i don't think i'll find anyone better} and the big one is "i don't want to grow old alone!" I actually have a close pal who used the last excuse last summer, and 2 months later was looking for an anulment! So like what the f!!!! These are true words said to me, and i guess i take it a little more serious than that, so hence, 47 and never married! No baggage, no mental institute! Thanks for the interesting reading.
 terry44030
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 50
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Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 4/22/2007 6:15:54 AM
Wow, cdn guy. I musta missed the posts where they said to avoid widowed people.

I guess it all just adds up to ...... look for someone to date - but don't trust them, huh?
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