Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 davedave951
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 21
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!Page 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Rebelrider writes: The other thing I have noticed is that many of the guys (altho some are respective of feelings) on this forum commenting, appear to me to be a bit insecure with themselves in that they can not handle an open relationship with anyone. This tends to lead to control issues within the relationship going on at the time.
*****************************************************************************
Control issues !!!! Insecure !!! Ha !! You gotta be freaking kidding me. Its one thing to be controlling and quite another thing to put your foot down and draw the line and refuse to let your wife boink another man. And if refusing to let my wife boink another man would be perceived as insecure, then golly gee whiz Gomer, I guess I am insecure. But truly....IMHO...... the only insecurity here is shown by the OP and others who show no backbone.

Oh............ and another thing........ refusing to let your wife boink another guy in no means reflects trying to "change somebody" and in no way reflects being against "individuality". Quite the contrary.

If my wife wanted to boink other men... Fine honey.....I have no problems with you being yourself and expressing your own individualtiy............ lets get divorced first and you can go and boink all the men you want and be as individual you want.

Obviously there a few men on here lacking backbone and confused about there own individuality and manhood.

Peace
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 29
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/29/2007 12:27:34 PM
You made a legal commitment a binding contract called a "vow" when you married. Created a separate legal entity called the marriage which you are dishonoring. That's why the law and even the church allows for a divorce on grounds of unfaithfulness. The marriage bond is broken, destroyed. What you are living is a lie, a sham with not only disrespect for marriage, but disrespect for your wife yourself and your children. I pity these children, God knows, they're learning the lessons of life from a set of parents who don't know or value honor and trust, honesty and faithfulness. Have you even considered the impact this will have on their lives and their futures as adults? Yeah, well it's more rhetorical, apparentlly there's little that you value. Well hopefully these children will have other responsible adults maybe teachers or others who can instill in them some sense of the values that form an honorable responsible adult with integrity. Sorry for using so many words the you have no proof you understand. You already have an inkling that pain and hurt, even more than you're feeling now are a part of your future, but hey you've brought it on yourself.
 TS_69er
Joined: 10/19/2006
Msg: 30
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/29/2007 12:28:07 PM
im curious would you wife get pissed off if you were banging some other chick?
 davedave951
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 35
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/29/2007 3:51:13 PM
Whadda bummer.... just when things were really starting to get all frothy, ranty and narrow minded.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 43
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/30/2007 6:32:54 AM

What I *would* like are comments, advice, and especially stories if you or someone you know has "been there".


Nope, I nor anyone I know has ever been in this situation, nor would they let themselves get into a situation like this. when you were dating your wife, did you tell her it was fine for her to continue dating others and sleeping with them up until you got married? If not, then why would you tell her it's fine to do so *after* you're married -a nd have kids? she's having her cake an deating it too...and you and oyur kids are getting the hsort end of the stick whether you realize it or not.


I take my marriage quite seriously as something that should be nourishing and fulfilling for *both* of us, and if this is something she needs right now so be it. I figure only in fantasy books do two people get to be everything to each other all the time forever.


It's amazing to me how people can try to justify bad and hurtful behavior. If you took your marriage 'quite seriously' you wouldn't have okayed it for your wife, and the mother of your children, to go screw around with another guy...and if she took the amrriage -a nd being a mother - seriously, she wouldn't be out screwing someone else. Relationships aren't something where people are *everything* to each other; finding one you love and want to marry is a bonus to one already having a happy life...And if something's not going well in a relationship, the two involved fix it - if they really are in love with each other - or they end it if they'r enot...they don't go off fu*king others just so they can 'find themself' or 'have everything'.


marriage, IMHO, is a partnership and not a prison sentence


Marriage is also a committment...seems your wife, and you, forgot about that one. I feel sorry for the kids as they're eventually going to be the ones hurt by this...either because the two of you will be arguing, or divorcing. It's really too bad you brought kids into this...some people just shouldn't have children if they can't be responsible parents and partners, IMO.
 *Babydoll272*
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 49
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/30/2007 8:06:11 AM
Now I've heard everything. OP, you ask us for advice on your marital situation and then go and contradict yourself by thinking of doing the same thing...GROW UP!! GET A LIFE!! Did you forget that you have children to think about instead of your libido?

Have you listened to Cdnjackal and phoned Jerry Springer? Of course your story is too popular and wouldn't get any recognition. There are so many disfunctional marriages, he has enough shows to do him for another 5 years...I'm sure he's had them all.

And to answer your question...still sane? You must have gone over the edge because sanity isn't how you live your life. Even thinking of dating another after starting this thread about your wife being an adulteress and having the gull to tell us that you are thinking of doing the same thing is totally laughable and I'm so happy that I will NOT be going down the aisle again anytime soon... if ever. People like you and your so called wife...make marriage a mockery!
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 51
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/30/2007 8:33:13 AM
I guess I would say...that if this story is true (I have a healthy distrust for what is said on the internet)and if you didn't expect everyone to cheer your decision...then you shouldn't have posted this thread. Anyone that has been online long enough knows that when you start a thread you open yourself up to EVERYONE that is online. Most people on here are offering their honest opinion...and some have probably been on the receiving end of what you are proposing. We are not professionals here...if you are looking for professional advice...you need to check the yellow pages for your area.
As to the comments regarding "newbies"...like I say...this isn't a professional site. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and when you post threads...you're entitled to them as well.

As for what I think of this...this isn't an open marriage as others have suggested. An open marriage suggests both are comfortable with the situation and have their lives separate from what they consider their marriage. They talk it over and set up the rules they will follow. While many might not agree with it...supposedly it works for some couples. This is a marriage where the wife clearly cheated on the husband and when confronted the husband opted to accept it rather than lose her. Now he contemplates swinging himself and hopes to keep feelings out of it.
I say if it works...go for it...as long as you realize there are consequences...there are always consequences for our actions.


PS...its interesting that you come on to a "dating site" filled with people searching for their significant other and expect positive feedback when you tell the tale of your wife cheating on you, your acceptance of it...and your plans to possibly look outside the marriage as well.
ack
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 52
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 4/30/2007 2:37:00 PM
OP
If you are so "OK" with this why are you here asking for advice?
If you really want "guidance", please talk to a qualified counselor.

I don't think you are really "OK" with this at all. I think you are just afraid to stand up and say "This is wrong." So you are looking for "evidence" that somehow or other the marriage vows,(and the 10 Commandments) have been revised and now it's permissible to have a sex partner on the side. They haven't.

Something is missing between you and your wife and I think it's respect. What you are showing her is NOT respect, it's fear. FEAR that she will choose the other guy over you.
Even if you do go out and find a FWB, I see this just turning into a bigger mess and on top of it all, what are you teaching your kids???
Cindy O
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 56
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/1/2007 9:07:35 PM
While I applaud you for your strength, commitment, open-mindedness and your willingness to grow in love and reinvent your life and contracts as you, your wife and your relationship evolve… there is something here that is niggling at me that I can’t quite put my finger on. Forgive me for the ramble while I try to name the niggle…

It is somewhere in the neighbourhood of “ownership” – of seeking not to own and to be free of attachments. (I speak of attachment here in more the Buddhist sense of the word – not of commitments – I understand neither of you seek to be free of commitment at this time). In my observation, this is one of the most difficult areas to grow in because we human beings tend to be little attachment machines. So I’m looking for where you get stuck and unstuck in this; especially with regards to your own fallibility as a man, as a human being.

There is obviously a dark side to this, as we all have dark sides and emotional upheaval. What about those times when your less evolved and very human bits rise up and smack you in the butt?

Ahh… I think I have it…

In your communication with your wife… Are you completely open and forth-coming of your darkside emotions? Do you fully share your mixed and less evolved emotions in this? Do you fully share your struggle with it and with hurt?

In this communication… Do you feel fully supported by her? Are your struggles with this getting equal time and concern and support?

And personally… What are you doing to get unstuck when you get smacked in the butt by your emotions? What are you doing to clear them?

Also… you’ve indicated you have not discussed with each other what would happen/ how you would both feel if you were to become involved with another person. I realize that you’ve suggested you have not done this because you are not exploring an open marriage at this time. But my “niggles” suggest there might be some delusion in this withhold – your less evolved bits lurk in here, and that it hasn’t been fully explored indicates you haven’t been completely forthcoming… perhaps with your wife, perhaps with yourself.

Does any of this strike a chord at all?
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 60
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/2/2007 5:57:36 PM

Why worry about it. Its really no idfferent than going to a club and dancing with someone else, as loong as you come home with each other. People put too much emphasis on sex. It can be a healthy thing if handled right. Basically I don't think very many people can be faithful. So if its going to happen I would rather know about it, and deal with it.


Oh, please! The only reason some people think it's fine to be married and screw around with someone else is because someone else who also thinks that says it is...If society suddenly said murder was fine, then some people would go out and do that with impunity. And it's not putting an emphasis on sex; it's putting one on vows and commitment...in fact, 'forsaking all others' is generally part of the vows one takes when getting married. If one isn't willing to do that, then why get married in the first place? Simply have an open relationship with someone, outside the vows of marriage, and leave marriage to be what it's meant to be. And dont' have children, as they're the ones who will ultimately be hurt by all this. Also, while you have your opinion, I disagree that 'very many people' can't be faithful...it's a choice just like any other...and if one can't make the choice to be faithful then they shouldn't be married.


You and a few other posters have decided that, maybe, there exists a world outside their black and white morality


Everyone has their own definition of morality...that doesn't mean any of it is black and white, or that it's all shades of gray...But *you* posted on here which leads some to think that just maybe you're not dealing with this as well as you say you are...otherwise why would you care what anyone else has experienced or thinks about this? This is *your* relationship and if you're both happy with it, then why care about what anyone else has experienced? And posting on a public forum is opening yourself up to hearing anyone else's opinion who cares to post. Sure, you'll get some who agree with you and others who won't, but being snarky and blaming the dissenters for their 'morality' like there's something wrong with it because it's different than your own doesn't put you in a very open-minded light, and makes you sound just like those you're being snarky about, IMO.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 61
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/2/2007 6:47:23 PM
Prolibertate: (msg 140) I certainly agree with shades of gray. You might be correct in your assessment of "if you are posting the thread, it must mean you're not happy with your relationship". Only the OP knows what is HIS truth... and sometimes , even that is an elusive thing to name (can be a bit of a moving target from moment to moment...LOL). I suspect the truth (although I am usually not so foolish as to try to name people's truths), is that one moment there is unhappiness and in another moment, deep peace and freedom.

However, another possible interpretation of this: The OP is in unchartered territory: He seeks to learn from others' experiences bits and pieces that he might absorb or integrate to help him navigate in this journey.

The OP sounds very human to my ears... extraordinarily courageous and infinitely fallible.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 62
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/2/2007 7:00:06 PM
Cdnjackal: (msg 142): I'm addressing just your end bit - on the intolerance. When I have read the posts from people within alternative lifestyles, I can't say I have felt they have been trying to convert those of us not in an alternative lifestyle. Rather, I felt they were sharing their experiences for the OP's benefit... as he requested this sort of information.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 64
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/2/2007 7:48:03 PM
ob5idian (msg 136): You said: “I'm not worried about what might happen if I became very close to someone else, mainly because I have no idea *what* I'd want at that point.” … “It makes it kind of hard to do 'what if' when the possibility seems so unlikely”.

This is a rationalization. A good one, and I can see how difficult it is to do the “what if” game… especially since you already have more than enough on your plate already.

I’m tired tonight and am having trouble addressing this without putting myself in the response. Here’s a stab at it: You know, more than many of us, how difficult it is to let go of attachments, how sneaky the brain is at finding places to tuck them away, and how easy it is to get “stuck”. In my experience, the brain tucks them away in places where we have rationalized a “safe spot” a “no fly zone”.

If you want to “unstuck” yourself from your remaining attachments (and I’m not certain that you do). If I were to guess, you would find them lurking in this place. I am quite certain it is here because of your resistance to examining it and the solid defenses in place. You have an excellent brain… it is very crafty….lol
 pokormon
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 66
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/2/2007 8:37:27 PM
jsut my two cents,
You know, I haven't been there and can't imagine what you're going through. I believe you are doinng a good job proving to your wife that you care alot for her and her happiness. In the long run this might bring the two of you together. I think you can use your position as the loving supporting husband to ween her off this boyfriend and onto yourself. Do other things. Take itnerest in her online affairs. Take interest in her. Show her more then support in her sexual exploits be there for everything. Eventually you will be her bestfriend. She will not need anyone else. And you or her suffered no pain over this temporary lapse in your relationship.

Whatever you do, work towards finding out where YOU both went wrong to cause this. Do whatever is nessecary to have her CHOSE to get rid of this boyfriend. Your current actions speak volumes about your concern for her happiness so let it work into her heart as time will allow. If you support her and at the same time try your best to fill this void she has filled herself you are well on ur way to having a much stronger relationship than before.

Not too many people have the balls to carrry on as you do. Be a man about it but at the same time don;t alienate yourself from this part of her life or you will never have an influence over it.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 75
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/3/2007 6:56:32 PM
Well reread the OP and the change in several pages of this thread.
Several posters have given him the affirmation and attention he needed, it wasn't that he was in something that was a marriage or relationship but wasn't.
He said well he's changed his mind or thought differently about it...who buys that? If you do, I live in Florida and have some nice, swamp...umm waterfront property to sell. If you change your mind when you're involved in a relationship, marriage...then you get out of it to seek out what it is you finally figured out you want.
As I see it, the OP's not there, by any stretch, he's only hanging onto a female that he married and had children with and is trying to hang onto HER, but allowing her permission to do something that he said in the OP would come back to bite him or kick him in his gonads.
Well isn't that just special? Because of what's been posted here, see the evolution...he feels so accepted and affirmed and is thinking about maybe going out and boinking someone else...well what do you say to that? It's not like there IS a marriage anyway, they're just keeping up the sham. I won't say yeah go do it, why not your wife's been boinking this nice guy that he met and likes for years.
What is wrong with this picture...EVERYTHING! They don't have a marriage they're not more wife and husband than two single people enjoying an FWB!
It's really so sweet and precious that some contiue to feed into his delusion and utter abandoment of any shred of self respect...but why not, he gave that up years ago?
And if this were just an affair, your (GAG wife) needing some strange, or something on the side, it's been years, she's still with him. And if he decides to even like her husband, no mystery how that'll turn out.
Sad, really, not for the selfish or delusional adults in this melodrama. Pfft...two married people who have no clue or respect for their vows, commitments or what that's supposed to mean. Those of us who still have respect, self respect and respect for those we choose to make a part of our lives think about this whole fiasco.
If you commit to something and change your mind midstream, then get out of it and go find what you want. You didn't even do that. BLEK!
You should divorce your wife so she can go marry the next best thing...and just laugh when he won't!! Forest for the trees....you're the one they're both depending on to keep it together.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 82
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/4/2007 9:57:34 AM
OxDrover and MasknDolls: Although you have approached it from different avenues, you both make an excellent point. If I were to paraphrase it, it would be something like: In a world where everything seems like it is "up for grabs", where do we find our moral compass?

When you marry, you create a contract with the other person that morally you must uphold. You are correct that it simply is wrong to break that covenant. Period. No further discussion required... although certainly a ton of heartbreak is involved... often for both parties. (Let's not be so black and white that we fail to recognize that many (not all) cheaters feel deep remorse, guilt, shame).

Having been broken, what then?
* Divorce is one answer.
* Judgement, forgiveness, recommitting and reconciliation is another answer - and some manage to repair trust and do just that.
* There is a third answer... to recommit to something different. It is a viable answer, but not one many people would want or be able to live with.

Most marriages have "unwritten agreements" too... ones where they have sorted out "how we choose to live our life". It is normal over the course of time that these unwritten agreements get renegotiated and rewritten. Arguably, marriage therapy is largely based on helping people sort this stuff out.

I am not in an alternative lifestyle.. but I can see how some people might choose to renegotiate their agreements on sex (and other matters). As long as they are both agreeing to it... it should no longer be considered a broken agreement within their marriage.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 86
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 5/4/2007 1:01:18 PM
Msg 150...no one really knows what goes on in another's relationship, regardless of how much a friend may seem to confide in one. Maybe your friend is happy, but I see it that that's because they're not really in a marriage per se, they're in an open relationship where they may communicate with each other, but they're also getting emotional and mental support outside the marriage...which I believe takes away from the primary relationship. Think of it like a piece of swiss cheese; rather than a whole, complete slice, you have one with holes of it missing.


Haha bunch of closed minded individuals here, wow comparing having a lover to murder? That is a far stretch. No one is trying to impose anything on anyone, if you dont agree dont participate. Sounds like there is a lot of "conditional love here" I feel sorry for the spouses of those people.

Like I said in my previous message I get flamed away everytime I make comments about open relationships. Please get it clear. I AM NOT PUSING ANYTHING ON ANYONE. I was simply passing some informaiton on to the OP.


Pretty defensive for someone who's trying to appear as being open minded, aren't you? No, you may not be trying to push anything on anyone, but you sound fairly closeminded if someone who has a differen topinion makes that known. I personally don't care what two consenting adults do, as long as they both communicate it and agree to it. But if someone asks for a personal opinion, I'll give it.

Msg 163...when posting something like this, you should give the source if you expect it to be taken seriously. As for walking a mile in someone's shoes, while thats' true for many things, it's not generally true for sexualy orientation or desires...some people liek the same gender, others don't; some people are monagamous and some aren't. I've never cheating in any of my relationships and I can tell you I never will, because I believe that if a relationship isn't working out and we can't fix it, then we end it...and only *after* that, and a long while after that, would I get involved with someone else. I have certain values I believe in and practice and those haven't changes in the 30 years I've been dating; I guarantee they won't change in what time I have left.

Anyone else notice that the three men on here (including the OP) who don't practice monogamy seem pretty definesive about their choices? If you all think it's so great, why are you still talking about it?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 94
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:01:53 AM
Thanks much for the update Ob5idian... there are some threads, like this one, that are involving and confronting and we don't often hear how it worked out. It sounds like you have had quite the ride (understatement) and I wish you the best in a life well lived.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 95
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 11/7/2007 1:01:12 PM
Son, I'm sorry to hear that you weren't able to get your marriage back on track but I applaud you for doing the best you can to see that everyone comes out as whole and functional as possible.
Never let anyone tell you your marriage was a "failure". It sounds like you experienced tremendous growth as a person, and developed some IMPRESSIVE insight. Therefore your marriage was a learning experience that has now gone into another phase. NOT a failure!
Best of luck to all of you.
Cindy O
 maples01
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 96
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 8/28/2008 3:40:50 PM
Mine did this behind my back, not with one, but many. She later came to me demanding I allow her to have boyfriends and girlfriends, I told her she was nutz and tried to stop it all, didn't happen. Now I'm fighting for custody of our son, yet she now claims I mentally abused her and was a cruel husband, after all, I called her a slut, but she fit the dictionary example of what a slut is.
You an forget stopping it, hell, I was married 14 years, didn't mean nothing in the end!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 97
view profile
History
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 9/1/2008 2:11:32 AM
How would you introduce "the other man" to your kids, just plain Uncle or Mommy's spare ????
 Gourmetchef50
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 101
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 9/1/2008 6:20:04 AM
Not for nothing..but i wonder how she'd feel if you had a FWB?? There's obviously something lacking in the romance/excitement dept...and thats why she looked outside of her marriage IMO.Do u know much about this friend with your wife?? Is he married? Is he a player..that offers excitement & all the 'fun' things? I'd be a bit concerned about STD's and ur wife may or may not know where he's been or whom else he's been banging..
I believe in monogamy for that reason..
 Gourmetchef50
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 102
wife has a long term boyfriend? still sane? please reply!
Posted: 9/1/2008 6:27:44 AM
ohhh..and thanks for the update..alot of women feel they 'have to' stay for the kids sake..but sometimes it does more damage than good.I figured if you confronted her and/or gave her an ultimatum, she'd be history.Divorce is very easy now-a-days..and altho costly it puts closure on some very bad situations. Enjoy the freedom, work on yourself, and love the kids..good luck.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >