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 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 426
Never married & no kidsPage 18 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

I`ve met plenty of selfish people who have kids and honestly they shouldn`t have bred.


Exactly !

Some people just aren't suitable to be parents .

 CheshireCatalyst
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 427
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/17/2011 9:03:29 AM

You may be amazed and surprised at
how delicious children can be.


As soon as I saw this, my first response was to make a "Hannibal Lechter" type of joke, just because that's how it jumped out at me. But, I've decided against it.

I never had kids because I just never wanted to go down that path. All I ever wanted to do was go to school, read, travel, and ride horses. It would have been selfish to raise a child that I never deeply wanted. I've always sought out men who had no kids or at least older kids.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 428
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/17/2011 9:10:22 AM
For me, the unselfish part comes later once parents rear the child (if they are doing it right). They give up many things to be a parent.

'It would have been selfish to raise a child that I never deeply wanted.'

Exactly. I wish more people thought this way. Sad to say, but my bio mom should not have had kids.
 MrFication
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 429
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/17/2011 12:52:54 PM
Biological children can keep you and your ancestors alive. If you raise children that are physically part of you, and you prepare them educationally/finacially, in a sense you and those that came before to make you will still be around to march through time. You basically want as close to a reflection of you and the other person as you can get, that won't happen with two other people's DNA.
 CheshireCatalyst
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 430
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/17/2011 3:35:20 PM
^^Why is it important to leave someone behind to "march through time?" Why should I care about my ancestors from a biological perspective?
 MrFication
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 431
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/17/2011 4:09:21 PM
I don't know why other than biological programming. Scientists have done all kinds of research into how parents bond with children (babies). All kinds of imprinting between mother and child during birth. Things the scientists are barely understanding. And then newborn smells and such when the father is around to subconciously bond him to the child (and hence the mother). I read a study the other day that said the bonding mechanism between humans is strong for about six years. They suspect that is enough time to get a father to stick around to ensure survival of the first born of his kids. Then the mechanism seems to reverse at that six year point and the female begins to push the male away...eventhough she would've had more children with him. (They were even trying to link this bonding to the typical divorce filing at about the same time--when kids are involved.) Then the parents part ways to find new partners to begin the process again. This ensures more diversity in the gene pool....hence a better chance of survival for someone's DNA--a piece of themselves. You are your ancestors, bits and pieces of them all combined into one. As for whether or not there is a prize for the group that finishes somewhere in the future with the most relatives...don't know.
 CheshireCatalyst
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 432
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/17/2011 8:42:34 PM
^^You're right, but I guess my question was mostly rhetorical. The behaviours you mention are biological imperatives that help ensure survival of children AFTER they're conceived or born, for the most part.

Since biological imperative works in an animal by causing the animal to wish to spread its own genes, people such as myself (childless by choice) are choosing to be deliberately maladaptive. I feel no desire to perpetuate the genetics of my ancestors, and I don't feel anything of value will be lost by not doing so. As a result, I can't relate terribly well to this need in others.
 GerberData
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 433
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/18/2011 8:27:28 PM
It is not worth the effort arguing with the people on here who are single and have no kids. Thats another great thing about being selfish; you don't care that you are, it's all about you anyway.

Now, don't assume I clump everyone into this group; just the vast majority belong to it. I speak only from experience, don't blame accurate observation.

Just read back to the arguments they have already giver "I don't believe in marriage", etc. It is demonstration enough. However, it's just a deeper point. We all tend to be selfish, it is not exclusive in that group, just easier to see.

Be honest with this one: why did you not respond to the last person who contacted you? Was she too fat? Was he too bald? Read some profiles, how many say "Don't contact me if..." and then list some superficial issue. We all tend to think we deserve "better" and that the next person will be better. And the next better than him/ her. We all bolt at the first thing we don't hear. I just had someone on here quit talking with me because I have a hunting dog trained to be in control without a leash! In any case, one false step, one poorly chosen word, it is likely the person you contacted will cut it off right there.

How does that bode for a true lifelong relationship? If simple things get you running, is it likely you will ever be able to accept someone with a flaw? Again, if he loses his hair in 10 yars, do you leave him? What if she gains weight? Or, God forbid, what if she loses a breast to cancer? Or he becomes impotent? How on Earth would you survive that.

Maybe I know of what I speak. Maybe I have experienced it; maybe I have been guilty of it. It seems odd there are so many of us out here claiming to be looking for Love and Romance and The One, yet we find every excuse to dismiss others. I have blown it in the past. And now there are plenty of suitable people out here that are blowing it as well.

Don't sit here and try to argue away your selfishness and unwillingness to compromise. Instead, be realistic. Why risk losing your chance at true happiness because her hair is blonde or he is only 5'6"?

True love comes not from accepting those qualities you find not to be ideal, it comes from cherishing them.
 GerberData
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 434
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/19/2011 8:56:03 AM
Even with your excuses, it doesn't make you less wrong. Nor do I turn away anyone for any one reason. You are assuming too much, just like the "straw" thing. It was grasping at a straw for an explanation other than the true one.

Selfishness is epidemic. Despite all your "I don't want kids because..." not ONCE did you mention what you would do if your significant other wanted them with you. Seems your selfish ideas would outweigh his, right? You aren't arguing away the fact, you are actually showing how true it is! The fact that you didn't think about it nor mention that possibility is telling.

I'm not singling you out. You just happen to be answering and proving my point.

True love is unselfish. There were, and are, people I would give up anything for, including my last breath. That, however, doesn't mean I haven't been selfish or won't be again, unfortunately. Its a work in progress for everyone. And one truth is, if you don't have kids, you lose a HUGE opportunity to learn to be selfless.
 CheshireCatalyst
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 435
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Posted: 4/19/2011 9:08:40 AM
@Gerberdata

Why are you so concerned whether everyone has a good enough reason to eschew birthin' babies? You don't know what conversations other people are having with their SOs, just based on a paragraph or two in a forum posting.

Honestly, most childfree people are not concerned with how many you have or whether you want to date us. Just find someone who shares your own philosophy on kids and don't worry about what the rest of us are doing. It worked for me.
 GerberData
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 436
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/19/2011 9:16:18 AM
Having children was an example, one easy to spot in many cases. And if you keep reading into this that I am saying its 100%, you will continue to be wrong.

There can be lots of things to be selfish on, and we find them all!

Country vs city living.

Travel preferences.

Using text type shorthand in messages.

Intelligence.

Appearance.

Wealth.

The real problem seems to be that we never learn compromise or what is truly important in LTRs anymore. Hence the marriage failure rate (imagine the failure rate if you include those that no longer marry but break up after some time).

If you think you should "not settle" for less than what you deem perfect, just put down that stuff on your profile and leave it as a laundry list of traits that person MUST have. When you get a mtaching list, marry them right away. Don't bother talking to them, you know what they are already. Nothing need be learned, right?

If there are any young people out here, forget the nonsense you have heard about waiting until later in life. Marry your highscoll/ college sweetheart!
 GerberData
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 437
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/19/2011 9:17:40 AM
See? I just eliminated a TON of potential mates with a couple typos!
 GerberData
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 438
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/19/2011 9:19:35 AM
On communication:


Is it REALLY that important that someone type well? Are you going to do all your important communications by email? I much prefer someone who can communicate things to me with a look, by grabbing my hand, by touching my shoulder. Many important communications don't require a single word.
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 439
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Posted: 4/19/2011 9:59:58 AM
Having been on both sides, I think these distinctions are over-emphasized. People who do cool stuff do cool stuff with kids or without them, married or not. People who are couch potatoes are, well... tubers regardless of marital status or parenthood.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 440
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/19/2011 10:16:35 AM
And one truth is, if you don't have kids, you lose a HUGE opportunity to learn to be selfless.


Ha! Some people have more kids just to get more money every month. Not everyone becomes selfless and many people shouldn't breed.

I do agree that having kids and raising them properly DOES teach one to be selfless.

So based on that, one should not assume when they see a profile of a single parent that that parent is Mother Theresa (for example).

PS - your last 3 posts had nothing to do with the topic.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 441
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Posted: 4/19/2011 12:08:17 PM
The ability to have children or get married doesn't make you selfless or even a better person than someone who doesn't, it just means you made different life choices that hopefully makes you happy. Serial killers, rapists, cheaters, liars.... all can have children and be married, doesn't make them good people and Children's aid is full with abused and unwanted kids, were these parents selfless, I think not.
Life is too short to worry about what other people chose to do with their lives, I find individuals who chose not to have kids or get married or wait to have children are those who are self aware enough to know it's not for them and don't make the mistake of having kids or marry before they are ready for the responsibility.
 DreDay2008
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 442
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/20/2011 10:06:54 AM
I've almost been married and almost had kids.

Some people 'almost'.

So just keep that in mind.
 GerberData
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 443
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/20/2011 10:15:57 PM
The problem isn't marriage or kids, but seems a few of you can't see the deeper point. That in itself may just be that shallow, self-absorbtion I keep seeing. Read between the lines, you are missing the whole point!
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 444
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Posted: 4/21/2011 2:35:49 PM
The problem isn't marriage or kids, but seems a few of you can't see the deeper point. That in itself may just be that shallow, self-absorbtion I keep seeing. Read between the lines, you are missing the whole point!


While I agree that marriage and having children are opportunities to practice selflessness, they are not the only paths - and maybe not the best paths. Many unmarried childless people practice unselfishness or selflessness in ways that I, husband and father of four, can’t begin to fathom. Mother Theresa for example. The only distinction I see, is that it easier for some to love their own - making it easier to give to someone else, thereby creating a natural stepping stool (if you will) towards selflessness. But then maybe not everyone needs that.


Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse


“Opinions mean nothing. They may be beautiful or ugly, clever or foolish, anyone can embrace them or reject them.” - HH
 Sleek_Stallion
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 445
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/22/2011 9:42:12 PM
I do question why.. Yes they are very responsible. but guys having kids in our thirties is a little over the hill. Our bodies are meant to have kids by 20s and 30s (atleast).

Anyway you have one here ...me.


I have tried to say sober. I work alot and had some down turns in life. I was seriously going to get married to a beautiful girl but it did not work out. My family said I should try again and again I met someone but I could not go through with it.. (Long Long story short) After that I thought about it and wanted to take it easy, fix my emotions and date to see what it is I am looking for... can you tell all that on my profile? should I even list that??

I notice when I am talking with a femaile, and I mention I was going to be married, she seams more acceptance of me????? Gosh I mean if I didn;t mention it does that automatically put me in the (never got some- zone?) Do I look that young or desperate??

Anyway what do yuo think?
 starzgirl72
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 446
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/23/2011 8:20:18 AM

I dont know what Im missing - but I dont think theres anything wrong with me because of it! Not everyone has to follow the same path x

Exactly; not everyone has had the same experiences, upbringing, or opportunities that other's may have had. I don't look down on other people for being divorced or for being a single parent alone...I need to learn more about a person before deciding if their situation is a red flag or not for me.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 447
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/23/2011 1:23:46 PM

I do question why.. Yes they are very responsible. but guys having kids in our thirties is a little over the hill. Our bodies are meant to have kids by 20s and 30s (atleast).

LOL ~ I can see you've not looked at many profiles of men in their 40s/mid40s/late40s. MANY want children. I find it odd, but fact, nonetheless. They likely enjoyed their younger years and are now feeling the sting of getting old and having no genetic legacy, or they use the "I didn't have time when I was young" statement or whatever, but it's not uncommon to see those near my age wanting to have a family. I wish them well with that ~ I think they're likely fairly delusional about what having a child is ALL about, but to each their own.
 MICKEY747
Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 448
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/23/2011 3:15:30 PM
The ones who have kids think we are the screw ups for not having going thought that married and kids.They think were the black sheep. The ones without out kids and marrige just knew to early to have them.You have to live life before you show someone the ropes when you bring them into the world.
 MICKEY747
Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 449
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/23/2011 3:16:50 PM
the women at that age already had them with a baby dady we dont want to be part time parents
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 450
Never married & no kids
Posted: 5/24/2011 12:01:48 AM
They are called MINKs My Income NO Kids
as opposed to DINKs Dual income No Kids
or Siks Single Income Kids
They are well spotted by their toys, nights out, and knowing grins on their faces.
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