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 SweetFiingers
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 176
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Never married & no kidsPage 8 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)
I never assume. Personally it took me 36 years to get married for the first time and it took me 4 months to get a divorce. We were just not right for each other. I am now 38, and have no kids or have a girlfriend. I have made wise choices that were right for me. Having protected sex and living my life. I have a good job and just enjoy being me. when that woman comes along that i cant live without then i'll know. Never pass judgement or make assumptions for the choices people make. You havent been in there shoes or lived there life.
 ~Hydro~
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 177
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/14/2008 9:15:20 PM
I spent many many years going to school which required putting in 80+ hour weeks. That's my excuse. I never dreamt I would be unmarried at 37 but hey - the bright side is is that I'm not divorced yet either.

Hydro.
 Genuine_Heart
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 178
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:26:52 AM
I’m 36, and have never been married or fathered any children, and I don’t assume anything about anyone else in the same position. Personally, I find a woman with no kids/never married to be quite desirable, for many of the reasons mentioned on other posts. Nobody I’ve met to date, that is around my generation, has “judged” me based on not having kids or ever been married. If they’re curious, they ask, and I answer.

However, there is one exception: being a first-generation child of immigrants, hailing from an old world background (southeast European) – I have received MUCH (often stinging) criticism from both immediate and extended family members about it, starting when I was 22 or so (yeah, yeah, I know – these are the first people in the world who are supposed to love you for who you are, etc., etc.). To them, life is about going to school, getting a job, finding a wife/husband, getting married and have kids – that’s simply what you do, and you should be happy about it. To go for things such as an advanced education, develop a career and travel / enjoy life is not within their mindset – it’s completely foreign and incomprehensible. Not fitting their expectations, I have been on the receiving end of some rather condescending remarks regarding my “manhood” on several occasions. I sometimes wonder if these old world attitudes have so much cultural inertia behind them that it blinds people to other opportunities that life has to offer.

Like quite a few of the other posters on this thread, I’m fortunate in that I’ve developed a very strong desire toward personal growth over the past 10+ years, and am a much better person for it. Hence, I’m in much better position to contribute to a healthy relationship than ever before – and that fact alone makes me quite glad that I didn’t “take the plunge” much earlier in adulthood (though I don’t judge people for doing that either). This path was simply right for me.

G_H
 Lofty_maiden
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 179
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:06:20 PM
i will be 31 in may. I like to have what little social life I do have after work. do i want kids and want to get married yeah but I want to have fun for mysel first. Once you have kids and a husband you have responcibility to tham. If I dicide to go out camping with the girls I don't have to worie aobut if "he" will get mad or who would watch the kids. I can go out any night i am able to and stay out as late as i want.
 swgal
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 180
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/18/2008 10:59:31 AM
I dated a guy for over a year who was 46 never married, no kids, never lived with a woman. I have 4 children and am divorced. Let me tell you about being worlds apart. He did not understand the bond that a parent has with a child. He didn't understand the inability to pick up and go whenever you want. He really didn't understand the joy and fulfillment a parent gets from spending time with her children. It was the most difficult situation I have ever been in. He was very self-centered, me oriented, and unable to connect with my life. He was used to his schedule and his needs.

I didn't make assumptions about men who were NMNK before that relationship, but I tend to do so now. That man was commitment phobic and too into his bachelor lifestyle to accomodate a family or long-term relationship. I know now that I need to be with someone who has children (grown or small) or has a close relationship with children (nieces, nephews, friends kids, etc) so he can understand the importance of that relationship and all of the things that come with it, such as activities, and bedtimes, and homework, etc. I don't necessarily need someone who was married before, but who has at least lived with someone so he understands how that situation works.
 merkitty
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 181
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/19/2008 2:03:09 PM
What bothers me is when a guy dumps me for a chick with kids. Especially when he doesn't have any himself. I guess I feel that birds of a feather should flock together. I live in the mid-west and there are ALOT of never married mothers who prey on the no kid having dudes. What's left for me? I say if a dude has kids it's a no go. I will never come first and I wouldn't expect to, maybe I'm selfish or maybe I feel children are more than a tax credit.
 moundpuppy
Joined: 1/27/2005
Msg: 182
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:48:59 PM
swgal,
just want to say that not all men over 40 or even 50 are commitment phobic nor are they all set into a bachelor life style. I as I have stated before have no children and never married. Now if any man and I say that meaning any man that would not understand the bond between a mother and thier child had better go back to school and start over. They need to take and start learning what is important in this world expecially when it involves a mother and her offspring. But I also know that it does not just work between a mother and her child but also a man and his child or one that he has helped raise. Both can have a bond that is so strong that nothing can step between that bond. Personally I as said before am 56 and I do know of that type of bond. I also can say that for some reason a small child will almost always come to me and try to talk my head off. Only had one that backed away from me and it was my brothers son. Took years for him to relax around me. Never understood why and really it never bothered me. I treated him just like all the other kids and left him to make his own mind up when he would trust me. That boy or I should say man now just graduated basic training and him and I are very close as I am with the rest of the nieces and nephews. I will say I never tried to bond with any and it was due to the fact that I can not have kids but I have always known that the bond of a child and thier parents is something that should never be questioned. If a man does not understand this then he is not wanting to. on the other part of your post involving living with someone No I have not but that was by my choice. The long term relationship yeah been there and done that a few times. if a person enters into a relationship then they must be willing and ready to share and understand and communicate with the other person involved. If one can't do this then they had better not ever approach a relationship in my opinion. a booty call is easy to find a relationship is something that one should respect and work on completely 100%. Give and take otherwise walk away.

Mound
 Rachelle~C
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 183
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/20/2008 7:12:45 AM
u see a profile of interest & he or she is 30something & up, as you continue 2 read a lil further, you notice that he or she has never been married & has 0 kids, do you question why or just immediately make assumptions?



I think "wow that is one smart person".
 svj2
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 184
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:48:42 AM
I just assume that they're either very smart or have a face that can stop a clock.
 merkitty
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 185
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/20/2008 4:49:02 PM
I agree with svj2 on that one, if they are good looking then they are smart or thier just not good looking enough for sex
 BamaToon
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 186
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/20/2008 8:24:17 PM
Well I just turned 32, and am never married, and have no kids. I've never really thought that much about either one, to be honest. But then I've never had a serious relationship either, so that could be why. I always figured I would worry about that when the time comes.

Now when it comes to women, I tend to look for those that are also never married with no kids. Which I'll admit, is not easy to do the older I get. Lately I've been thinking about lowering my standards a little, at least when it comes to that. But on the other hand, I'm wary of the women that are just looking for some poor fool to pay the bills for them and their kids. I know not all women with kids are like that, but I've read too many horror stories about that to not at least be a little wary of it.

Plus, I'm not even sure I want kids of my own, much less someone else's.
 Saturday Night Rocks
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 187
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:09:39 PM
If he/she was 45 and never married/no kids, I might wonder why, but everyone has their reasons. (Maybe He/She couldn't find anyone to hook up with during the 15 yrs they were in prison LOL!!!)
 oklacountrygirl
Joined: 9/21/2007
Msg: 188
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:49:14 PM
Although I have been married twice and fortunately was smart enough to get away, I don't have kids. At 45 I feel fortunate now that I look back. At the time that events happened in my life, it totally sucked. (Miscarriage, tubal pregnancy and surgery which only found more problems that were corrected, but unable to conceive) So, things are not always as they may seem. I was with 2 abusive men so I have since made some changes in dating and what I expect or accept from those I date. I have been single for 13 going on 14 years and enjoy the fact that I don't have to worry about whether or not my kids like the guy, who's gonna baby-sit, etc. I also have enjoyed traveling some and would like to do more in the future. I helped raise my ex-husband's kids and that was very, very difficult emotionally. He and his ex were constantly fighting it out and I was the "middle guy". Fortunately I was able to be the one the kids came to talk to about their problems, so I could still help them all I could. BTW, they still call me every now and then, so I must have been a decent Mom! LOL!
 5174
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 189
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/23/2008 8:10:06 AM
ppl are getting married and having kids later into life and now its just more apperant that that is how it goes with generation X. My cousin just turned 40 and just got married to a woman he was with for 6 years or something like that. I am 33 and have never been married nor do I have any kids, (well I was almost married once)... No rush no worries, responsible with sex, and growing as a person, and building a career are all fesible reasons that someone isnt married or has no children by their 30's.

shrug-
 svj2
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 190
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/23/2008 11:13:01 AM
Why this focus on money?

Because most of society spends more time watching televison than interacting with other human beings outside the context of work or school. And television tells us that there is nothing more important in life than fame and money.



Do anyone really want a harmonic life or what?

Yes and no. People want harmonious lives, they just don't realize that they have to go out of their way to get one.
Few people realize that our drives (to survive and procreate) and our desires (to be happy and fulfilled) don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

And a 50% divorce rate is a pretty good indicator that marriage (alliances for survival and procreation) is no gaurantee of happiness.

And then consider that there is no possible way that all of the "surviving 50%" are happy.(Some people take "'Til death do us part" waaaay too seriously)

Put those two factors together, and it becomes pretty apparent (to me, at least) that marriage isn't just not the path to happiness in most cases, to those of us whose #1 aspiration in life is something other than having a family, it's actually counter-productive.

Before I get jumped on, for those that are happier being married, more power to you!
But the numbers suggest that you'd be in the "lucky" minority whose "drives" just happened to lead you towards happiness.

If we don't examine what drives us, we're basically playing "craps" with our happiness. Some win. Most don't.
 merkitty
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 191
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/25/2008 4:57:35 PM
I hear ya, my folks split when I was in Highschool and it breaks my heart now as a 30 year old woman that they aren't together.

I don't want to do that to my kids, I want a guy who loves me for me, then we can bring life into our marriage.

Marraige first, then kids, thats my motto.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 192
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:48:31 PM
nahhhhhhhhh.. Life is too short to over-think things!

things have changed from the old days... we don't leave our family homes and date and mate and have families in our 20s anymore.

people are more mobile...they choose to travel, further their education and live life... it is a continous process. Life happens and we don't all need a mate at an early age.

I met my Ex when I was 19...we got married... I quit school... worked...travelled... we had kids.... divorced at 45.
I wish I had taken time to learn more about myself and to be on my own... yeah....so I envy those who are 30something...and had a life...and are ready to continue to grow and prepared to now look for a mate.... I would hope it is a situation of them being more mature now.
 merridian
Joined: 3/15/2008
Msg: 193
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/26/2008 8:52:02 PM
Actually, I would question whether this person would want kids with me or not. It would make me hesitate more. I have kids, and I don't want to have any more children. I would feel more at ease if he already had children of his own as well (and doesn't want more with me). I'd rather blend existing families than bring more children into the world.
 Tattooed Lawyer
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 194
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/27/2008 9:28:39 PM
I haven't read all 200+ responses so if I'm repeating stuff, you know why.

If you're never married and childfree, people assume negative things. He/she is ugly, he/she is not a grownup, he/she must have some issues, etc.

I don't have kids because I simply don't want them. For most of my life, the pomp, circumstance, and symbolism of marriage did not appeal to me. It's so cliché and tacky! Nowadays, I'm more agnostic about marriage.

Issues? We all have them.

Looks? A diversity of people say I'm attractive.

I own my own place. I'm stable, financially and otherwise. Educated. Work full time. No drama. I'm an uber grownup without kids or marriage.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that one should not assume anything.
 merkitty
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 195
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/28/2008 8:38:23 AM
I agree about the assumption thing, I mean, unless you ask there are a dozen reasons why people don't have kids.
 TrixieinDixie
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 196
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:53:36 AM
Having lived all my life in the south, I have to admit it would make me wonder, because in my personal experience, people around me tend to marry pretty soon after finishing college and starting their careers. There's no particular reason not do, no over-thinking or analyzing - you fall in love, you get married, and maybe have kids if you want them. Not everyone has kids, but most people in my circle have them or want them. I don't even have any single friends, not even divorced. My own parents married right out of college and have stayed happily married throughout their respective careers and raising me. This is what I always wanted for myself. I married two years out of college and unfortunately it did not work out for me, but not by my choice - I loved being married and would very much like to be married again. I am not crazy about casual dating without any real attachment. I really want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I believe there are many possibilities out there, not just one. As for having kids, I think that's a separate issue. It's a matter of choice, not something that just happens that you have no control over. I didn't have kids while I was married, wouldn't have them outside of marriage, and now I'm past the point where I have any interest at all in having them.
 katbaloutoo
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 197
Never married & no kids
Posted: 3/28/2008 4:28:36 PM
Don't necessarily come to any assuptions nor conclusions... but admittedly wonder and figure it will come out in conversation, as necessary.
Tho, have found that a man who actively participated in raising kids, particularly daughters does seem to relate better with women (or if grew up with sisters)

Over 30....pfffft, nothing to be concerned about these days; 40-50? have that conversation sooner rather than later if it really matters to you. There are a variety of reasons and better to be able to gauge a person's candor about themself, which is what builds that necessary level of trust for any successful relationship - friendship or romantic.
 fossape
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 198
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History
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:47:57 AM
so, after reading some of these responses, is it selfish, or even realistic to expect to meet a female to have a family with when yer 30 and over?
 myronlong
Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 199
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Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:01:50 PM
Well, I reached the 30 mark, never married and no kids.. Far as I'm concern, I'm a good catch for a woman
 ISHTAR38
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 200
Never married & no kids
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:35:09 PM
So what some of you are saying it's better to date someone who has been married 4 or 5 times and have kids all over the place because they know all about life and relationships??? If that's true then why have all those relationships failed?? Makes me wish I was a lawyer I'd be rich in no time with mentalities like that.
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