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 plutostar
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 26
Asperger's SyndromePage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I think I have AS but I'm not sure. I scored pretty high on all the online tests . Whether I have it or not, dating is pretty difficult for me because I always feel awkward around people and I struggle to have a simple conversation. I don't have problems finding men to meet but the whole dating process especially in the beginning is VERY hard. I would be very interested in a guy but he thinks I'm too quiet or disinterested. I really wished the men I meet would give me some time because they judge me on the first date and it's not fair. So if you think the women have it easier, we don't.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 27
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History
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 2/15/2008 8:20:39 PM
I never visited a psychiatrist or psychologist, so my diagnosis isn't official either. I have way more statistics than most in medicine, I've worked with medical professionals a lot, I've studied a lot of things related to medicine (like athletic first aid) and I am a darned good scientist. I may be slightly wrong in my self-diagnosis, I am not hugely wrong.

If I was 5-8 years old, I can see a point in getting an official diagnosis. There is a possibility of getting government support for things like retraining. At 41 when I found out, or almost 48 now, there is really nothing that can get done. If I had tons of money, a person might be able to take a 5-10 year vacation to get retrained. If you really as an Aspie well into adulthood, it is very likely you've spent about as much time unemployed as employed (or worse), and there is no money for a many year vacation. About the best you can do is function as best you can. And if you are so interested, try to make things easier for those that are following in our footsteps.

I've found that flirting is something I just don't work with. Maybe you are seeing the same? Maybe the place to meet guys is in some "technical" environment. An environment where you and they are there to learn something, and so everyone is tending to concentrate on the subject at hand? Computers is an obvious choice, but looking back at things, when I was getting trained by the YMCA for volunteering in the weight room, was a very similar situation to computers. If you were a guy, I think ballroom dancing would be an idea, but as they typically are overpopulated with females, I don't think you need more females to interact with. Mechanics courses? Fixing cars, not the physics of moving bodies.

I wish you the best anyway.
 Namaste70
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 28
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:31:44 PM
"I think that women with AS may have the advantage of at least being asked by a few guys if they're decent looking."

I have a 13 yo daughter who is on the spectrum and the fact that she is a pretty girl terrifies me. She is entirely too naive to understand the subtleties of the whole business and, even though we are actively working on her social skills, I'm not certain she will be ready for the pressures of dating at 16. She's too eager to please so people will like her or if she's really pushed into new territory she completely freaks out.

OP, honesty is always good. Tell any women you meet that you have AS upfront. And I agree that reading books will not help you in any significant way...simply reading doesn't help my daughter to understand the intricacies of human interaction, so we have done a lot of 'Social Stories' and role-playing.

The worst part for my daughter is that she truly wants to be friends, she loves people but is rejected by most people because of the little tics and oddities. She's also been bullied and been in more than a few fights because she didn't understand the situation she was getting into until fists were flying.

Keep your chin up though, as more information becomes available the general public learns about it and is more understanding of the behaviors associated with AS and other spectrum disorders.
 lulu604
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 29
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:47:05 PM
I have high functioning AS. For me the main hindrence has been and always will be the social aspect of the dating world.

Past relationships have come out of being at the same place at the same time, with the same interests (ie. music)

It does make it very difficult to meet people, which is why I'm on here.

I am upfront about it, which probably ruins my chances of meeting someone from the start, but my ideal partner will understand or care enough to at least try and understand.

I don't have any advice for the OP, sorry. Just to let you know you're not alone. :)
 lulu604
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 30
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/5/2008 4:49:58 PM
"I have to get her to go out and socialize more and to just be able to initate conversation."

i'm just wondering, is this what she wants?

my mom tried that with me because she didn't feel it was "natural" for me to rather be left alone, but all that did was make me resent her and the things she tried to get me to do.

just for clarification though, i wasn't diagnosed until 38 years old, so my mom was approaching all my awkwardness with a complete blindness to the characteristics of an aspie.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 31
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History
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:42:38 PM
Woody, I wish you luck!

I have no idea if any girl fancies me, more or less all of the time, so it seems you get more feedback than I do.

I have run across Aspies that have gotten married and had successful relationships (for some definition of successful), but I do not think we can expect this to happen. We have to have ways outside of relationships with others that can be a measure of how successful we are with life. If we happen to find a successful relationship with another person as well, that is a bonus.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 32
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/18/2008 11:23:18 AM
Huh? I haven't been married. I did say I knew of an Aspie who had gotten married. I really don't think I am going to get married or have another LTR. I think the 1 LTR I had, will be the only one.

In terms of the person who had the pretty 16 year old who was an Aspie, the way I approach any situation where people are "selling" (which includes dating), is to study things. The only way I can detect lying is superior knowledge.

If the guy says he races F1 cars, start asking him questions about the amount of ground clearance, turbo boost, the construction of the car, etc. At some point, they will make up answers and make mistakes in doing so. If your daughter can work that way, the idea is that after that first contact she researches technical points that can trip up the liars. When she next sees the person, she has ammunition to run her "BS detector".

I suppose the other thing is to make it a policy to never data anyone from an occupation where misleading people is the goal. So, nobody in sales or marketing. Including people who do that for a hobby.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 33
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:01:52 PM
I had been asked to provide a comprehensive answer to an ambiguous question. Not answering the question did not seem to be an option. I know how to comprehensively answer a question that is not ambiguous, so I guessed at what the question was and got it horribly wrong. Crash and burn ensued.

I hope that next time you are asked a question that you find ambiguous, you will feel free to ask for clarification. Perhaps then you will avoid misunderstanding.

I am finding this thread very interesting. I have a friend whose son (maybe around 7th grade) has Asperger's and she worries about what his life will be like. I have acquaintances at dancing who I feel pretty sure have Asperger's. At least one is fairly obvious, another I think is mild or borderline. The latter is an engineer and a very precise dancer.

I've heard that woman on the radio, the one who works with animals. I enjoy listening to her talk about what her life is like. It gives me a little insight.

It's a little difficult for people like myself, who are not so familiar with it, to understand what it is like. It's hard to interact with those individuals quite the same way as with others and takes a little time to get comfortable. My one friend at dancing, though, is a really nice guy and over time, as I've gotten to know him better, one thing I particularly appreciate about him is that there's no BS.

By the way, the poster who mentioned looking at people's noses has a good point. In our dance circle, people put a lot of emphasis on eye contact and point out it will help you to not get dizzy when you swing. For some people, that's too much, so I suggest they look at someone's nose or forehead. Unless you are getting really up close with someone, they probably can't tell the difference.
 fortran
Joined: 2/21/2004
Msg: 34
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:06:45 AM
I suppose one way to look at life from an Aspie's point of view, if you are short sighted, is to take your glasses off and try interacting with people when they are far enough away that they are out of focus.

Just before I was laid off from the government, I discovered my problems with Asperger's. So, when I was informed I was to be laid off, I asked the HR department how I should approach things since I now knew I had this problem. They said to keep it secret. Well, I tried, and jobsearch was basically as rotten as before. A couple of years ago, I decided I am going to tell every employer up front, and tell them my problems with the system. For one thing, there is no way that any employer is going to make things "easier" (heck, we need a hand just to get level) if they don't know their current system discriminates against us. It is hard to tell if things are working, but if nothing else maybe things will be easier for Aspies and the Autistic in the future (better yet, all learning disabled). I also started writing organizations without applying for a job. In the last year or so, I have probably written 100 organizations in North America about how the employment process interacts with Autism. It should be a bigger number, but most organizations make it difficult for people to provide them with input like this. And that includes industry groups for HR.

Some organizations are in denial, they think their system is perfect. Most organizations will not reply. One organization punted the ball from HR to the Ethics department. I asked why Ethics got involved, no answer. The largest category of responses are the dummies. They tell me how to apply for a job with them. The very beginning of my notes to them typically starts with "I am not applying for a job". Problems reading English? :-)
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 35
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:39:58 AM
Unfortuneately, Men with Asperger Syndrome have it a lot harder than Women with Asperger Syndrome when it comes to Romance, Dating, Relationships, and getting a boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even just Casual Sex, Sex with No Strings Attached, Hook-ups, One-Night-Stands, etc. Because us Men always have to take the initiative, make the first move. If Women made the first move on us and took the initiative, it would be easier but unfortuneately that is not going to change anytime soon. Also us Men would be in the Woman's shoes also, we would often times get the Women who are not desirable to us, not our type. So the getting the type of Woman we want if us Men have Asperger Syndrome, is very difficult.
 SPK82
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 36
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/1/2009 8:08:13 PM
I was diagnosed with it last year.

My main problem involves starting conversations (i.e. I'd prefer it if people talk to me instead of the other way around). It's also difficult for me to take risks in social situations.
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 37
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:21:26 AM
All the times, or most of the time I have made friends, it was because the other people initiated the friendship, they started talking to me first, asked me for my number, etc. When it comes to socializing and meeting new people, school, bars, and clubs are the only place for me. Because I can't make new friends or meet new people through the people I already know.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 38
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/2/2009 12:12:26 PM
Am only familiar with high functioning Aspergers Syndrome folks, and most are in relationships. Most are in the high tech or science industry where working alone is easier and where higher intellect folks work, which means idle chatter or gossip isnt the norm. ~Beth~
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 39
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/21/2009 5:27:06 PM
I have Asperger Syndrome too, and I know I am going to be single my whole life.
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/23/2009 9:31:31 PM
Personally, I hate having Asperger's. I don't like being lonely, but I don't like being around most people. My problem is simply that I don't meet people. Having Asperger's means I put things and information on a higher level of priority than people. I can't help it, that's just how my brain works. Therefore, it makes it very hard for me to meet people or make small talk with a person to get to know them. Unless there's something contextually interesting worth talking about, I keep quiet. A lot of people think I'm shy because of this, but I'm definitely not shy. I just don't know what to say as small talk is pretty much torture for me.
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 41
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/24/2009 12:09:19 AM
Amen!!!, I agree with you to the fullest.
 koncrete
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 42
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:01:47 AM
Aspergers(not autisum) isn't real, it comes from inexperience in social interaction, perhaps when the person is shy when they are young they don't learn how to interact like an average person. You can heal yourself from aspergers by realizing and changing the aspects that make you awkward and getting confidence by being in and getting experience in social situations that make you uncomfortable.

Trust me I know, my words have more meaning behind them than you think...

 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 43
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:23:45 AM
So are you saying that Asperger Syndrome results from not socializing a lot during Elementary and Middle-School years? I will admit, I was more of a hardcore loner back in Elementary and Middle-School, way more quiet, so it all comes down to how early the person starting socializing?
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 44
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:36:13 AM
I seriously hate the gender role in our society that it is expected for the guy, or man to take the initiative when it comes to romance, dating and relationships, like the guy making the first move and asking the girl out, initiating all the conversations and keeping them going, because having Asperger Syndrome makes it a mental handicap, it's not really a matter of being shy, scared or lacking a pair of balls, it's just simply not knowing what to say and when to say it!!!
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:05:57 PM

Aspergers(not autisum) isn't real, it comes from inexperience in social interaction, perhaps when the person is shy when they are young they don't learn how to interact like an average person. You can heal yourself from aspergers by realizing and changing the aspects that make you awkward and getting confidence by being in and getting experience in social situations that make you uncomfortable.

Trust me I know, my words have more meaning behind them than you think...

You're under the mistaken assumption that Aspergers is only a matter of of socializing. How does one "heal" their heightened sensibilities? How does one stop having "special" interests? I've done lots of socializing, I'm not shy, but I still don't talk to people 'just because'. I pretty much only talk if I need to request information of some sort from a person or provide it. If I'm at a party and there's a hot girl there, I probably won't say anything to her. It's not because I'm shy, but rather because there usually isn't anything contextually interesting worth talking about.
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 46
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:58:09 PM
Okay, My daughter has Asberger's and I do not. Here are my scores. I have thought I had certain traits of Asberger's but this blew my mind.

Agree: 2,5,6,9,12,13,16,18,19,22,35,39,41,42,43,45,46: 1 point
Disagree: 1,8,10,11,17,24,25,27,28,29,30,31,32,34,36,37,38,40,44,47,48,49,50: 1 point
Score: 40

She is taking the test now and her husband is our control group. I'll post their scores below.

Son in law scored - 24
Daughter does not want to take the test... (OOH changes her mind the last second.)
Daughter scored - 20

Okay, I just lost all respect for the test.
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 47
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/26/2009 11:21:38 PM
Women with Asperger Syndrome have it easier than Men do.
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 48
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:40:28 AM
Why would you think that women have it any easier? Do you have any theory to back up that claim, or is it simply that women have it easier in this (male dominated) world, just because you say so?

Math and Science are male dominated fields and Aspie's are known for their skills in those areas. So the reverse would stand to reason. I work far below my skill level and ability because female Accountants (and such) are more easily accepted in the workplace.

In regards to the test - I do not think the results indicate that I have Autism. I think it is relative to my field and my talents. I remember long strings of numerical information; always have. I find patterns where others do not see any. I have a unique view of the world. Am I Autistic? Not at all, I'm just an extreme geek. lol.

My father was a Cryptologist in the Navy. He solved puzzles for a living. I am his daughter.
 Drusurfer06
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 49
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 9/27/2009 2:36:53 PM
The reason why Men with Asperger Syndrome have it harder than Women with Asperger Syndrome do is because it is always the Man that has to be the one to initiate the Date and Relationship, the Man always makes the first move and asks the Woman out, and since he has Asperger Syndrome, that makes me and other Men socially clumsy and awkward in the Courtship process.
 LDF85
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 50
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2009 8:58:12 AM

Personally, I hate having Asperger's. I don't like being lonely, but I don't like being around most people. My problem is simply that I don't meet people. Having Asperger's means I put things and information on a higher level of priority than people. I can't help it, that's just how my brain works. Therefore, it makes it very hard for me to meet people or make small talk with a person to get to know them. Unless there's something contextually interesting worth talking about, I keep quiet. A lot of people think I'm shy because of this, but I'm definitely not shy. I just don't know what to say as small talk is pretty much torture for me.


I can identify with everything you said, especially the part about people perceiving me as shy. I am usually quiet out of a lack of commonality, not a fear of people. When I hear guys having their 'guy talk' about the Superbowl or their sex lives, the significance of the discussions just doesn't register in my mind. And I know that if I talk about my interests they'll find me to be boring or painfully pedantic.
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