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 astrosky
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 98
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Asperger's SyndromePage 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I've got light-medium Asperger's (self-diagnosed) and it has made interactions with people difficult, in general, not just dating situations. This has been an interesting thread.

I would like to add that I was married for about a decade to someone who also has strong Aspie traits and I don't really recommend it. The reason I don't is because if we are too much alike then the areas where we have difficulties become exacerbated as neither one of us know how to handle it. For example, when married to an aspie, we had extreme difficulties getting along with our neighbors (one of my stress triggers is barking dogs - just drives me up the wall). I have found that life runs much smoother when I am cohabiting with a NT (normal thinker), who can run interference with the neighbors and other social situations, leaving me to remain in the background in peace, where I can then handle areas where perhaps they are lacking (keeping finances under control, for example). I believe Aspies should seek out partners that can be complementary to them in areas that they lack, vs seek a mirror image of themself with identical flaws as well as strengths.

Another thing I would like to add - and this is a heads up for the parents out there - working at home has been a godsend for me and I only wish I could have started doing it years ago. As it is I've only been doing it 5 years but I feel so much better that my interactions with the outside world can now be from choice and not a forced necessity. I'm not recommending my particular career (medical transcription) as it is being rapidly destroyed and dismantled by offshoring and corporate greed; but I am recommending pursuing any line of work that allows one to work in solitude and peace (computer programming or web design, for example).

I extend my hand in friendship to other Aspies on the site. Hang in there and don't give up.
 mildmike
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 99
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/2/2012 8:29:56 AM
I am an Aspie as quite a few of you people put it as well. Diagnosed at 11. Was an intimidating figure and always angry. That didn't help much. Now I tend to be laid back and try to be as calm as possible.
Dating has always been a struggle for me. I usually never understood what people were looking for. I find that I hate it when people lie to me, even the whitest lie has gotten me upset in the past. Too many people I have dated only temporarily and never gotten past the second or third dates. Recently I found that I no longer believe that I am doing anything wrong, but I may not be right in thinking that way either. I am finding now that people I am dating I tell them I have Asperger's syndrome and they have no idea what that is. So that might be the one wrong thing I am doing is letting people know too soon. Of course, I am a firm believer that people always have a fear of what they don't understand as well.
Another reason why I think dating doesn't work for me and maybe for all other people with Asperger's syndrome is because I don't think I know how to find that sense of attraction. What I mean is I can't really show the other person what would make me look attractive. I know that attraction is the key to starting off a successful relationship. You have to build from there.
 mildmike
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 100
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/2/2012 12:13:57 PM
To share more about me. Yes I did date a little throughout school and college, but never for that long Some people in school seemed to want to have sex at an early age, and that scared the crap out of me. Since then, dating has become further and fewer in between.

Not relating to dating:
I was a smart kid in school, and usually the biggest/tallest in my classes. I excelled in math and was also very athletic. I played soccer, basketball, some volleyball, and eventually towards the end of high school I played some rugby. I also got picked on early on in school, but once I realized that I could use my size to my advantage, it was very rare that someone would try to start a fight with me again. There were exceptions as some people wanted to make a name for themselves. I didn't like fighting all that much, which stems from the fact that I almost killed someone in a fight in grade 7.
I used to see a counselor from diagnosis until about the age of 21. I finally got to see some of the notes recently that he had written during those sessions, and I was able to see myself from someone else's point of view. I realized that (repeating myself) I was always frustrated and angry, and other people always worried for me which helped me realize that people did like me after all. I also dealt with depression throughout the years and did take anti-depressants. I found that long term use of anti-depressants just makes you more depressed, and I ballooned up to close to 300 lbs at the finish of high school when I only weighed 2/3 of that upon entering high school. I now weigh 185-190 lbs again due to fitness and better nutrition. Doctors have recommended further use of medication since, but I turn it down every time due to side effects
In college, the focus became on communication and I did a very good job at it. I realized I had to talk in a language that was easy for others to follow and understand and not try and sound so smart. I hate having to explain things as sometimes I don't know how to do that, so that worked. I still found that I was easy to manipulate. When I worked at a gas station during school, one female co-worker actually tried to manipulate me into a fight with her ex during a shift change (there was some innocent flirting between us before that). Anyway, the fight never happened (almost did), and I kicked the guy out of the store for verbal abuse of his ex, and reported the incident to the boss. She was eventually fired some three months later for a mistake that cost the boss a lot of money. She also tried to manipulate me into quitting that job too because everyone was getting their hours cut. It almost worked until I came to my senses and talked to the boss.
Although a lot to read, there is my shared experience about my life as an "Aspie"
 chemosaby
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 101
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/3/2012 2:11:17 PM
Saying ALL would exposed would develope a similar mutation couldn't be more inaccurate. The Genome Project report on autism found the children had mutation that did not originate with the parents. So saying it involves the paren'ts genetics is categorically wrong. The Genome Project also reported the children not only had hundreds of mutations, the children had different mutations from each other. Genetic study is still in its infancy, and the Genome Project is the first major study report. So instead of talking nonsense, read that report.
 chemosaby
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 102
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 1/7/2012 5:39:01 PM
So your strategy is then to insult anyone with a different perspective. Very Classy.
 keihl
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 103
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/21/2012 12:57:44 PM
I read through a lot of the various responses here, and boy-howdy, you read the same on a lot of forum pages:
"My son/nephew/friend's kid/grandson has it." (not to exclude the females with AS out there) Okay, no disrespect, but we aren't kids. We're adults. Telling us that it will work out, and to keep trying; that doesn't really help.
Then folks posted stuff about causes of AS & the treatments/symptoms of AS: Kyrie Jesu Domine *WHACK!* Dona Eis Requiem *WHACK!*

Here's my two cents, and I'm sorry if it seems a little frustrated, but that's how it is:
We don't like going to bars, or at least I don't. Bars are noisy, crowded, overstimulating, and cause someone like me to close off and have a hard time focusing enough to read signals. Book stores are dead, and nobody goes there anymore to meet someone nice, which would seem to be why they're dead. Coffee shops are grab&go, not stop to enjoy life, strike up a conversation with someone, and certainly never some stranger. Plus, too much caffeine REALLY isn't that good for me.
Aside from that, all you neurotypicals refuse to observe standard rules as society grows more isolated from one another. Everyone's gotten really weird about a stranger talking to them, like it's all con artists and shit. So what makes that drunken ***hole you meet at a bar or a club any better?
Then there's church. Now aside from trying to meet someone at a church being awkward, it's really uncomfortable. I go to church to be spiritual. If my mind is on some girl, how exactly is this improving things? It's not! I'm not thinking about that week's message or what's happening in my life or how to stop being so depressed about everything. I'm thinking about her!

Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I HATE the term Aspy. Why not just call me a honky, cracker, male-pig, or whatever, because you're limiting Who I am to What I am.

@aspie2u (who apparently deleted his account, so I don't know to whom I'm writing anymore), I've had 3 girlfriends and been on a few dates. Internet dating is bullcrap, because a lot of the women on here are hesitant and totally unwilling to actually meet up. There's some stigma about meeting online. So? You don't tell people you met online if it's that big a deal. You say you met randomly and got to talking about common interests, got together for a few dates, and then hooked up. If someone is your friend, then they shouldn't make you feel bad for meeting someone online. What's more, you can make up some shit about a bar or an S&M club or a pottery class or something: yes, you read the words S&M pottery in the same sentence. It's nobody's business but yours. My parents met because my mom had to borrow laundry soap from a neighbor whom my dad was dating but they were breaking up. Is that really so much more special than, we messaged eachother on PlentyOfFish or and really liked one another, so we started dating and really fell in love?

In terms of sex, we only need as much help as anyone: vocalize, listen, share what you like or don't like, and don't be afraid to experiment with anything.
In terms of relationships, we only have the same problems that neurotypicals have: vocalize, listen, share your life & aspirations, and don't be afraid to try something new together.
 DumchikBrewsky
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 104
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Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 4/27/2012 5:37:28 PM
I'm sorry the OP is gone. I fell deeply in love with an Asperger's person before it was recognized as a form of Autism. People would ask me what was wrong with him, and I'd answer, "Nothing. He just sees the world differently, that's all." He was a challenge to love, as we didn't do what I thought couples "should" do together. Our relationship ended after 13 years because I couldn't take it anymore, and knew I did not want to be with him for the rest of my life. He felt confident enough to strike out on his own in a different part of the country.
we haven't kept in touch I hope he's happy.

I've known women married to men with Asperger's. They also describe their situations as "challenging." It shouldn't be a barrier to love.
 mildmike
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 105
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 5/31/2012 6:39:06 PM
I think the real challenge with Aspergers now is the label and stigma that comes with it. People don't understand it and there are few people that do understand. Think about it. You have to define who you really are. Aspergers is a label new friends and potential partners don't need to know about unless it is absolutely necessary. My experience tells me this much: If your new friends or dates find out too soon that you have Aspergers Syndrome, you have pretty much told these people that you have let that define who you are. This gives them an excuse to label you and move on. This is what people who have no understanding or don' know what it Aspergers is will do: Run away.
 Ashtadbinsaiyef
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 106
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 5/31/2012 10:39:43 PM



Math and Science are male dominated fields and Aspie's are known for their skills in those areas.



I have to disagree with this. To my knowledge there is no solid correlation between mathematical/scientific excellence and Asperger's. What I believe is that the skills of those who show promise in those areas are enhanced (beyond those of their peers) by the intense focus which characterizes people with AS. I could be wrong though, and I'll gladly admit to being wrong if you can provide me with some verifiable information.


Intuitively, I’d second this. I’m extremely analytical and somewhat obsessive in the way I study and approach the social-political issues that interest me, and I’m positive that that’s where that aspect of my AS expresses itself, yet I’ve always absolutely hated mathematics. Actually, I had difficulty with math as a child because I was always trying to picture what everything meant in order to really understand it; I truly did not understand that this wasn’t what you were supposed to do and it took me some time to figure that out. You can see why this would cause problems: 4+4=8 is something you can visualize and understand the meaning of. f(y)f\left(y+\frac{1}{2}\right)=\frac{\sqrt{\pi}}{2^{2y-1}}f(2y)? Not so much. Once I finally drilled it into my head that all you’re supposed to do is memorize the order you’re supposed to do things in and then just do it, I excelled, but I still hated it because I was still constantly fighting the urge to actually make some goddamned sense of the meaningless numbers I was being forced to move back and forth all day.
 Ashtadbinsaiyef
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 107
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 5/31/2012 10:54:31 PM

Recent evidence is beginning to suggest that rather than lacking empathy and relationship interactions, it's that people actually feel them too strongly... and can't cope - thus needing to avoid the situations that bring about having to process the overloading...

http://www.healthzone.ca/health/article/633688

and

http://www.support-for-add-and-autism-spectrum.com/Aspergers_empathy.html


Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Even going into a mall for a couple of hours, I become totally overloaded mentally tracking the movements of everyone around me, trying to project their mental states and what they might be thinking or feeling, and so on and so forth to the point that I literally can’t keep my own train of thought and I just get mentally lost in it. Sometimes I do it explicitly for that purpose, just for the refresher. But I can’t do any kind of shopping in public unless I’ve already researched and know exactly what I’m after, because I’ll be too overloaded by all that to even think about what I’m doing. I mean, this is to the point that I can’t even calmly browse a store and think about what I’m looking at because I’m tracking everyone in the store, judging what the clerk is thinking and what (s)he thinks I’m looking for and thus what they’re probably going to say next, how my reactions to their comments or suggestions are making them feel, and so forth. So, I just sort of shut down and don’t say anything, partially because interacting much with an environment adds to the complexity.

So you can imagine how first dates go with me.

Nothing like what I’m actually like once I become comfortable with someone, and then all this heightened sensitivity becomes helpful. Of course, at that point the problem is that I need significant time alone (even if I don’t want it) because at that point it’s still so taxing that I’ll burn out if I’m not careful, and start paying less attention to the relationship because I’ve had to tune all that out to try to focus on anything else.
 Ashtadbinsaiyef
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 108
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 5/31/2012 10:58:02 PM

Boys/men are three to four times more likely to have Asperger's than girls/women, so naturally, there's always going to be a larger percentage of men suffering. But even if we subtract Asperger's from the equation, men will still have a tougher time dating in general. C'est la vie.


One more thing I thought I’d throw in: it’s already known that the AS genes express themselves somewhat differently in men and women. Now, some are beginning to believe that AS is underdiagnosed in women because one of the ways AS ends up commonly expressing itself in women is as anorexia. See here: http://www.eating-disorder-resources.com/eating-disorder-articles/anorexia/anorexia-and-autism-may-be-linked/
 KittenCatt
Joined: 6/11/2011
Msg: 109
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/3/2012 6:24:37 PM
I read most of this thread with interest for some reason...mostly because I feel I've met more than one person from online who I've strongly suspected has Asperger's.

Then...just for fun...I go and take a couple of online tests for Asperger's....and I shock myself by scoring very high/borderline on them for having it myself....definitely going to investigate this further. I appreciate all the posts on here and I greatly empathize with those here who have ASD; I have always felt "different" and an outsider my entire life myself.
 JQinSF
Joined: 6/7/2012
Msg: 110
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/11/2012 9:44:44 PM
Maybe this has already been posted:
www.wrongplanet.net

There's also a specific dating site that targets people on the Spectrum.
YMMV.
 RT_2
Joined: 11/5/2010
Msg: 111
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 6/19/2012 5:23:00 PM
I recently dated a psych major who labelled me as having characteristics of Asperger's. What a rude thing to say!

Nobody knows less about human behavior than a psych major.

In 2004 I took an online test and scored exactly halfway between normal and Aspie. 25 is normal, 50+ is possible Aspie, my score 37. I think my score at age 10 would have been 50+.

The questions on the test often are not bad behavior, such as you'd rather stay home than go out.

As to the girl who labelled me, I believe my social intelligence is higher than hers. It would be more realistic for me to label her OCD, possessive, passive aggressive, and mentally unstable. Crazy cat woman like the Simpson's character.

Today an Aspie customer visited my workplace. He said it's genetic. If so, the ailment would be extinct soon because they breed less.

I don't like it when parents use an Aspie diagnosis as an excuse to let their kids misbehave. Also not one cent of my tax dollars should be spent on "disability" benefits for mild, recently invented pseudo ailments.
 AspieJoe
Joined: 10/3/2018
Msg: 112
Asperger's Syndrome
Posted: 11/23/2018 1:21:29 PM
G'day mate,
As a child, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and these days, it's a badge I wear with honor. The troubles you have with finding the right person are less unique to your situation than you may realize. My experience with looking for other singles so far has brought me to the conclusion that many people are single because they should be and most of those people, you will find on sites like this (not the fault of the site, just my opinion). Anyway, being single and looking for wholesome love can be a disheartening and lonely experience but it's better to be alone than in bad company.
I therefor say, hang in there mate and let be what will be, if you begin to feel desperate (not saying you are), you run the risk of taking up with somebody who will use, abuse and hurt you. I speak from experience unfortunately. With any luck, you might find your self another Aspie who really understands your situation.
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