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 Calisparkle
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 23
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Friends With BenefitsPage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
don't forget that FRIENDS with Benefits usually is just that: FRIENDS in the plural sense. So if you want to have sex with your Friend and, indirectly, everyone else your Friend is having sex with, then be my guest. But you will never be my Friend.

:) Cali
 cupidstrikes
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 24
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/16/2007 4:20:37 PM
don't forget that FRIENDS with Benefits usually is just that: FRIENDS in the plural sense. So if you want to have sex with your Friend and, indirectly, everyone else your Friend is having sex with, then be my guest. But you will never be my Friend.


God help us all.

IT'S "FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS" BECAUSE IN ORDER FOR A FRIENDSHIP TO OCCUR IT HAS TO BE BETWEEN 2 (TWO) PEOPLE!
IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE IS HAVING SEX WITH EVERYONE.

If a man and woman were to have that kind of relationship with each other, they would be "FRIENDS with benefits".

Just like how we are all friendS with other people. We are not FRIEND with other people.
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 25
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/16/2007 6:01:29 PM
I've seen it equal of both sexes...what I find is someone always ends up caring more and getting hurt in the end..
 Calisparkle
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 27
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Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:24:11 PM
Well, every man i have talked to who wants friends with benefits (in reality, yes, *uck buddies, you're right) has told me that the whole point of FWB is being able to be with other FWB at the same time, or go back and forth or whatever. Just what I've been told by a number of men. Maybe not all men define it this way, but when it comes down to it I doubt in a relationship of any kind without commitment (which is what FWB is all about) there would be loyalty. I, for one, would never trust a FWB to be monogamous because there is no commitment or love. Of course there is always the exception or minority. oh, and yes, i've learned this on dating sites. It's not my definition.

:) Cali
 Calisparkle
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 28
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Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:27:54 PM
Duh, Cupid. i was just pointing out, i guess you didn't get it, is that there are often more people involved than just the two friends (partners) involved. So here I have explained it to you. There are usually more than just one friend per friend. Get it now?
 Calisparkle
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 29
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Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/18/2007 10:33:54 PM
Personally, i WOULD rather have no relationship than a FWB. As a prior poster noted: It is just a glorified term for Booty Call. It is being used for sex when someone gets horny. if you're looking for a deep, lasting relationship, and not a shallow one (and risk STD's), you wouldn't want to use anyone for sex. Therefore, it couldn't work both ways.
 Rose Bubbles
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 30
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/23/2007 6:16:43 AM
Hi LuvrofSarcasm!

I would like to ask why "commit-a-phobe"
what is making a person to have this phobia or fear?
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 31
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/27/2007 5:01:07 AM
it's still a poor excuse for avoiding being in a committed relationship..it's avoiding the work and time for a relationship and satisfying a need.
Tried this once..someone always ends up caring more than the other.
the word USED comes to mind..
dusty
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 32
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/27/2007 8:36:52 AM
Sir, Ibeg to differ...being married 23+ yrs and then divorced in 2001..relationships take constant work..and nurturing..you have ebbs and tides.. working to make a relationship solid meaning..keep romancing her, try to retain those feelings that made you fall in love in the first place...recognizing the positives and ignoring lifes day to day annoyances..my folks made 52 yrs..aunts and uncles made 50 and 60 yrs..sister is over 40 yrs..communication is the key...listen and then hear what she is saying..selective hearing befalls alot of me..me included..
if we all learned from the wise advise in these forums, alot less of us would be divorced I think..
dusty
 loyal4152
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 33
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/27/2007 10:01:18 AM
Hey,
What a Doll! Do you need one more in San Diego???
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 34
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/27/2007 4:12:35 PM
NICK,
I will assure you..my folks were married 52+ yrs and my aunts and uncles 50-60+ yrs and I will bet that they worked at getting along..learning each other..and made a concious effort to be as one..when you do not work at a relationship you soon will part as surely communication will break down and so will the love they once had..
I think you are fixated on the word work..that my friend is a synonym of communication, give and take and also as lust subsides the love fills your heart..
I was married 23+ yrs and in the last 5 I worked hard to no avail..when one has lost the will to love unconditionally, the marriage fails..I realize in europe and other countries most live together as a couple..but in the midwestern USA marriage and working at it is still alive and well and blossoms to all who choose to partake..I hope to find that again and will work my damndest to make it work forever!
Dusty
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 35
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/27/2007 4:32:38 PM
Let's stay on topic...relationships do take a certain amount of work, but this thread is about something entirely different, thanks. FWB's don't want a relationship, that's the whole point.
 Calisparkle
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 36
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Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/27/2007 4:40:12 PM

It seems that the idea of "Friends With Benefits" must have been invented by a man.
because they want to enjoy sex from women without having any obligation to them.


From what men tell me, i'd bet on it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/31/2007 9:04:09 AM
^^^ Exactly. It's possible for some people to enjoy this type of arrangement and it's impossible for others to separate feelings so they can't do this.

It's not right or wrong, it's only relevant to the situation and the people in it. Any situation that failed involved people who didn't know each other long at all, and involved one person that thought more would come of it. No one gets used in a mutual arrangement where two people are long time friends and NEITHER wants a full blown relationship. Any other equation isn't going to work.

No need to disagree, because there should be no debate. It is what it is. You can do it, fine - you can't, don't. I can't stand people who judge those who do things they don't do. No one's forcing anyone to get into something like that, so relax. As well people who can do this sort of thing should respect people that only have sex when involved and abstain from sex between relationships. That's their choice and their right.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/31/2007 9:33:50 AM
^^^ This is my point about people being judgemental, which obviously wasn't really noticed. I can see my font from here, is it coming off as invisible everywhere else?

Of course friends care about each other, but that has nothing to do with the benefits; they are separate and mutual to each person within that friendship. Friends with benefits are successfully able to add benefits and take them away and still remain good friends because they know each other well and care about each other. The friendship is bigger and more important than the benefits, as they should be.

There, was that clear enough? They don't have a draw feature here so I can't make a chart or graph. Too bad, looks like I may have needed one.

Dude again, my point is if you don't do it, fine - then that's YOU, and you don't have to. Don't judge those who do. It doesn't concern you, just as what you do shouldn't concern them. Live and let live.
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 39
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/31/2007 10:37:58 AM
but the OP asked for opinions..
so like it or not everyone will never ever agree..those in a FWB tryst will argue for it..those not will argue against it..simple phychiatric basics 101.
I tend to believe age has something to do with an opinion about it..younger folks seem to look at sex much differently that say someone in midlife..
and so it goes..debate..toss the gauntlet..discussion is good..open communication..
In a room of a 100 you will never get 100% to agree on any subject..
Dusty
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 40
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/31/2007 11:17:36 AM
If the "friends" and "benefits" parts are balanced, and BOTH people are on the same page, I see no earthshaking harm in FWB.
However, if the people( and somehow or other this is usually somthing a GUY pulls)are only present to get "benefits" and little or no trace of "friends" can be found, I feel like that's dishonest. Guys, go pay a woman. Women, if you get this crap pulled on you a lot, start CHARGING for it.
And guys, don't EVER try to manipulate a woman into a FWB by suggesting, with either/or word and deed, that FWB is all she has any right to expect, and she should be grateful for those crumbs. If she really is THAT unpalatable, and so low in self esteem that she goes along with this, you should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. That sort of behavior is lower than low.
On the other side of the coin, if you feed that line to a woman with more spirit and self respect(or maybe just strong oldfashioned morals), you might just find yourself out the door carrying your head under one arm and your nuts in a brown paper bag.
I had one guy ALMOST sell me on a FWB relationship, but I decided that if sex was "all a middleaged woman could expect" then I damn well was gonna go for BETTER sex than what I was getting from him. I did spend some time in an involvement that never could quite make up its' mind whether it was a FWB or a relationship. That was interesting, but I cut off the benefits part, to KEEP it from becoming a relationship. THAT would never have worked in the long run. ( Serious philosophical differences)
Over all, I really don't have any strong feelings one way or the other about FWB as long as no one is being exploited or strung along on false pretenses.
Cindy O
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 41
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/31/2007 12:44:35 PM
CindyO,
darlin I feel a inkling of men bashing going on..
I have been approached by a few..not alot of women who actually want this type of relationship..they keep anything away from their kids, their job aand family but get attention they feel they need..
I, just don't believe in FWB and have always declined..
So sweetheart..women do it too..use men for toys and such..and not always are talked into sex..
What about the women who frequent bars..play men for drinks and dancing..with no other intentions of being there next saturday nite and playing a new group of men..
Unfortunately most men think with their small head instead of the one atop their shoulders..and delude themselves, buying drinks, hoping more will happen with this woman.
I ask a woman out..pay for all as far as dinner and drinks, being grateful for the companionship..I expect nothing more..again I say it's more of an age and maturity ideal rather than monitary or relationship phobia.
dusty
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 42
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 5/31/2007 3:57:02 PM
Dusty,
Oh not at all. I love men,why would I bash them? OK I'll admit that sometimes when I think really hard about it, the reason I love them absolutely escapes me!

I was simply relating a couple of personal experiences. I WISH FWB worked for me. But,SO FAR it just feels like I'm living in somebody else's skin when I get involved in a FWB. Maybe it just wasn't the right person, or it was the other person's attitude.

I guess my biggest concern would be about getting over focused on a FWB interaction and to totally miss (or drive away!) the real deal...
Cindy O
 lemongirl134
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 43
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 6/1/2007 3:50:48 AM
Here's my opinion, can't help but stick my nose in here.

You really can have FWB. Ive never seen anything wrong with it, and before you say anything about "not being good enough for anything but a roll in the hay" or "letting yourself be used" When this happens, it is on MY terms and with people I choose. and NO, it is not in perpetuation of the spreading of STDs. That's what protection is for.

Alot of people use FWB or even Fkbuddies for things that they wouldn't normally admit that they enjoy with someone that they love, or care about. (ex: bondage, submission/domination, etc ) Its very simply two people who get along OUTSIDE the bedroom helping each other out. And yes, friends care about each other, but are generally more accepting of one's idiosyncrasies. Or at least thats how I found. It can take a lonnngg time before someone your dating is too the point where you feel like you can trust them with that information. They wouldn't be my friend if i didn't trust them.

And when you get into Fkbuddies, there are people who you can't even stand that the sex is amazing. theres that love/hate edge, and thats where the appeal comes in. In fact, when I was younger, I had a FB that we were either in bed or in a fist fight. Too alike, but the sex was insane.

Anyway, thats my opinion on the whole thing.
 Engage-me
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 44
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 7/13/2007 9:17:27 AM
I dunno. Personally, I have always had problems *really* enjoying ( and in some cases even participating in) sex with someone I did not like on some level other than physical appearance or window of opportunity. So FB-types and escorts are useless to me, personally. The only woman I waited until after the marriage for was a nut case.

Aw well, ya win some, ya lose some, and some get called on account of rain.
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 45
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 7/16/2007 2:03:58 PM
One question..if your friend with bennies has other friends with bennies and they have friends with bennies...doesn't you chance of getting the gift that keeps on giving increase greatly?
Dusty
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 46
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 4/25/2010 10:35:56 PM

And if you tell me TFL does not exist, then how would you explain the millions made by the Pick Up Artist industry?

True Forced Loneliness? If you do not WANT to date/get-together with anyone at all, that would be FORCED loneliness. I'm sure that exists, but people who want to get involved in the PUA community or buy literature DON'T want to be lonely, hence, they're trying to UNforce loneliness.

Yet the PUA community exploits men living TFL and gives us useless information that'll never help us past our situation, and which does little besides degrading women, and further dividing the sexes.

I think you're referring to AFCs (average frustrated chumps), or guys who don't want relationships (ie enjoy being single).

I disagree that the mainstream PUA literature degrades women. Basically, don't try and princess a gal and impress-impress-impress to win her over -- THAT is actually more along the lines of the fake route. Mainstream PUA is all about a guy improving himself first and foremost, along with the true understanding of what women are attracted to vs what one's grandma or politically-correct advice columnist told them. Women aren't any more "objects" than guys are when they are the "objects" of being approached/picked-up. But women want to be the objects of being picked up, not the other way around. Being an object of being picked up is not degrading -- if it is, then 90%+ of single women out and about in the social scene are degrading themselves when expecting (attractive) guys to approach them.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 47
Friends With Benefits
Posted: 4/26/2010 10:59:22 PM

There are some who simply can't afford constantly paying for all these PUA services.

LOL - I've never paid for any of that. There's tons-o-literature in the PUA community that doesn't cost a dime. I think it's good for folks who are socially out-of-touch to go to a seminar or something, sure... or get an audio tape to get more into it if they want.

Meaning I would have to CONSTANTLY watch every small little move I made, every little thing I ever said or did.

You write well in here though. I'm sure you are socially out-of-touch naturally. That's why it's good for you. In the beginning -- of ANY change-of-viewpoint when it comes to interacting with people, everyone's going to feel uncomfortable doing it because it's a change. I'm sure for you, that's bigger.

I will guarantee you there are quite a few feminists dating guys from the PUA community.

I would agree that there are some, sure. Feminists against that kind of stuff actually think it's something it's not. The more they think it's something it isn't, the easier it is to pick them up. ;)

Honestly, my gut feeling is this PUA stuff is a scam

If you're focused on it being a scam, it will be a scam to you. You don't have to put in money. Go to fastseduction101, that's a starting point. Much of it's a COMMUNITY in which guys gather info & write books. Also, you can pirate PDFs of various books or seminars on just about anything, that included if you wanted to get into it.

But here's the bottom line: Don't be Mr. Nice Guy to try & impress a girl & win her over. They see thru that. And even when they have a good feeling you're not trying to do so just to get into their pants and it's flattering, their interest will go down. Women don't want an easy catch. When "fishing" they don't want a fish to jump out of the water into their boat. Women will see a guy more as a "catch" if she feels she has something to show to him and not any girl is going to have him. If you're in "I'll take any girl who's kinda cute", that lowers your dating value.

Additionally, be different. You're advertising yourself, so do something to catch their eye in a way that doesn't damage your rep too much.

Also -- the MAIN MAIN thing -- don't be shy & timid. If you are, you've lost already. It goes along the same lines as not trying to impress-impress-impress her. But in order to be convincing, you actually have to NOT want to impress-impress-impress a gal, which requires you to maybe improve yourself. A guy with low self-esteem and worrying about saying the wrong thing (thus actually saying the wrong thing) needs to be uplifted. It isn't about being a used car salesman to a woman or using "tricks" to make her suddenly like you. At "worst" little things you can learn to START a conversation and get her attention... from there it's about a particular type of personality women are into, and most guys need a personality adjustment anyway! :)
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