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 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 603
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The slate is now clean and ready for a new yearPage 28 of 31    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31)
Nestaron is absolutely correct. One date that did not go well is just that. One date that did not go well. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

At the shop I work at, I had a lady recently who brought her husband's old Lionel and American Flyer trains from the 1920s and 1930s in. She had heard that I do excellent repair and restoration work on old trains and can hand make replacement parts if need be. Something very hard to find anymore. But what customers do not see is all the early work I did on my old trains. The many old battered up, broken models bought dirt cheap to perfect my techniques on. And how poorly my first attempts went. It took a LOT of practice to get my skills down. Dating is much the same thing. You're going to have a lot of dates that do not go well. A lot of disappointment, and, like perfecting repair and restoration techniques, it's going to cost a bit of money most likely. But in the end, when you find the one, it will all be worth it.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 604
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The slate is now clean and ready for a new year
Posted: 5/24/2017 5:24:40 AM
It is very difficult to follow yall's advice when I can only get a date once every few years. The advice would better serve someone who actually is attractive to women. I am just so depressed and upset with myself that I am 35 years old and still have no relationship experience. It is not the date itself, but the fact that I am this way that is upsetting. I am so tired of this. I am a failure at anything that has to do with romance. I am just someone who can't be loved, and I will have to deal with that. I am just such a failure at this romance stuff. All I can do is just keep going to college to finish up my degree, because that is the only thing I got left in my life. /rant
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 605
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The slate is now clean and ready for a new year
Posted: 5/26/2017 2:16:50 AM
I wrote out a long post and poof
In a nutshell
--I feel you talk about power a lot or ego, and self worth.
In our family of origin if we were not shown love, we have no bank to draw from, in our relationships.

If it was abusive or neglectful, the new gf or bf cannot make that up. The person needs to start using non judging language, be patient and allow small gains, simple joys (being heard, hearing people, showing compassion, gaining understanding) and discoveries be the goal, vs "get some magic stranger to love you."

You get love by being loving, and you can only do that if you have been shown love by family or surrogates. Despite dysfunction, I was shown love, and that's more than some got. I do not know how they go through life without a solidified sense of themselves. I think strong people can overcome it, but there is a deep wound there.

Some had every advantage, and others have to heal and undo a lot of pain before they can be emotionally wealthy enough to trust and be intimate emotionally, which is a difficult and life long task.

You beat yourself up at failing to do(well) the most difficult thing for most people. Give yourself pts for the smallest effort--you left your house, you smiled, you engaged, you had a nice few minutes of conversation, etc. Maybe it will take you years maybe it takes one year...to act or stop holding your grudge against yourself.. but what are you waiting for?

Everybody fails in the sense ltrs are pretty transitory or married people may still fail at love.

The common fallacy is somebody else will do the work of loving us, why should we fricken bother? THEY should take on our flaws whilst we resent overlooking theirs. This seems a common, self centric and magic thinking (delusional) attitude.

It's really about being a great friend despite the idea it's a thunderbolt and everything is magical after that. It requires self exposure, trust and being emotionally honest and present. Which, nobody wants to do because we go around building a tough hide and do not want our skin torn to shreds.

Just one of those conundrums but basically don't attempt love feats unless you are pretty healthy and can deal with it. People try to shift blame into the ether--somebody out there hates me. No, it's you. You have to be a stronger-healthier person in a relationship and when you are truly ready, that's when you can participate when options are offered to you.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 606
The slate is now clean and ready for a new year
Posted: 5/26/2017 9:20:52 AM

If at first you dont succeed try, try again


Through lots of failures eventually you get it right


Unless your parachute didn't open the FIRST time.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 607
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/5/2017 1:52:24 PM

New Year's Eve.....alone .... all my friends have gf's which means....I'm the odd man out....which means....nobody invited me to do anything tonight....which means.....me and my beer.....





Which means.... find a bridge to jump off of already
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 608
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/5/2017 3:21:29 PM
Is it a sign of depression when your first thought is " I should get a haircut today " and your mind responds " what difference will it make ? You'll still be old and ugly " ?




#confidence/self delusion is so damn sexy !
 forever_live_and_die
Joined: 6/6/2017
Msg: 609
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/5/2017 4:50:32 PM
^^^^
I'm curious, why are you being such an asshole on this thread?
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 610
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/5/2017 4:57:25 PM
^^^

I'm curious why you think I'm being an ass hole ?
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 611
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History
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/6/2017 11:08:02 PM
What's going on, BCC?
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 612
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/10/2017 3:14:56 PM
^^^^^


Just suddenly taking a serious interest in bridges lately

Someone once said.....there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 613
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/10/2017 3:45:25 PM
Some people like bridges, others like porn. To each their own I say.
 forever_live_and_die
Joined: 6/6/2017
Msg: 614
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/11/2017 12:09:07 AM
^^^^
I guess you're not aware of it. They did a study and discovered bridges are a gateway to porn
 forever_live_and_die
Joined: 6/6/2017
Msg: 615
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/11/2017 12:20:24 AM
butterchickenchuck 747

I'm curious why you think I'm being an ass hole ?


I don't really think you're an asshole. It was a reactionary thing due to your nonsensical post because this topic has been a part of my life for a long time.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 616
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/28/2017 1:45:56 AM
delete because of bad decision
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 617
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/28/2017 9:41:47 AM
Basilisk, are you okay?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 618
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/28/2017 2:02:19 PM
Hey Basilisk - what's going on my friend
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 619
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History
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/29/2017 1:15:50 AM
Some stuff happened, and I am currently seeing a shrink again. I had some major drama, I snapped, and I almost did something I couldn't take back. Now I am trying to deal with the aftermath, and picking up the pieces of me. The last post contained more detail, but I thought it would be better to discuss things with my therapist first. My head is just a jumble of emotions right now, I don't really know were one ends and another begins.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 620
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/29/2017 4:32:15 AM
basilisk123---
I almost did something I couldn't take back.


Focus on the very important fact that you DID NOT DO the thing you could not take back. That's a good thing.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 621
Depression and suicide
Posted: 7/29/2017 5:44:25 AM
^^^ yes
See you didn't do it, means you are aware.. so no you didn't snap. Bent too far perhaps but
Be gentle on yourself today, get outdoors, appreciate all the shades of green
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 622
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 1/1/2018 9:55:31 PM
Well that wraps up a rather shitty year. As this new year starts, I have no hope that anything will get better. I find myself hoping that this year will be the last one where I am alive. I can't even think of living for another year like this. I hope it is over soon.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 623
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 1/2/2018 2:48:10 PM
B

I'm not sure there is anything one can say to relieve the depair and suffering you seem to struggle with....

I will keep you in my thoughts (loving kindness) for the next while....
https://jackkornfield.com/meditation-on-lovingkindness/

I hope that you can hang in long enough to see ......
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 624
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 1/5/2018 7:19:42 AM
Thank you, a few days came and went and I feel alittle better. I still have the same suicidal ideations, but they're not as intense. They tend to get bad during during the holidays and valentines day. Money problems are getting to me now as well. I am under a lot of stress and have no one close enough to talk to. I am almost done with this phase of school. I will have an associate degree in English. I am thinking about going back to get one in computer science too, while going to a university for my bachelor degree in English. It is going to be very hard for me to deal with all this.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 625
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 1/8/2018 4:12:38 AM
Basil, I hope you're seeing someone for your depression. It's definitely bad enough to warrant it, and to need medication to keep from doing something rash. You know these thoughts you have are based on your chemical imbalance, otherwise you would be able to handle your problems a little more with ease.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 626
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Depression and suicide
Posted: 1/10/2018 5:40:54 PM

Well that wraps up a rather shitty year. As this new year starts, I have no hope that anything will get better. I find myself hoping that this year will be the last one where I am alive. I can't even think of living for another year like this. I hope it is over soon.


I'm sure you have heard it all....
Life gets better.
There's always tomorrow.
Nothing can be that bad.
Selfish to do such a thing.
ECT.....

I'm not going to lay any of those on you.
I'm the mother of a son that commented suicide.
My son showed no signs of his plan.
I understand why he did it. He went thru the loss
of his big brother.
My other son's girlfriend was murdered. He wanted
to go with her. Instead he went to drugs. He had a
daughter to live for, thank God she saved him.
I know I too wanted to go with my boys but I have
other children and family I have to consider.
It is a way out but it's the easy way.
Life is hard but worth the struggle.
Seek help please, think about those you leave behind.
All the best.
 forever_live_and_die
Joined: 10/3/2017
Msg: 627
Depression and suicide
Posted: 1/11/2018 12:57:13 PM
Basilisk for a man who suffers from depression is talking about suicide you sure have a lot of "hope." You use the word three times in your Jan. 2nd post.

I have no hope that anything will get better. I find myself hoping that this year will be the last one where I am alive. I hope it is over soon.

Do you realize that your use of the word "hope" in these sentences actually means you have" hope' despite the fact you feel none? You can't see it can you? It's simple, depression can be measured through words and actions. As you get sicker your depression will get stronger and eventually you'll roll it over in your mind and dance that mess around until the word "hope" changes to the word "know."

"I know nothing will ever get better. I know this year will be my last one. I know it will be over soon."

Sound familiar?


I am under a lot of stress and have no one close enough to talk to

When you say "close enough" it probably isn't distance so do you mean trust, understanding or something else? I would think that in all the time you've suffered from depression that you dealt with it mainly alone. You seem to be doing a decent job of it though since I'm reading your posts and not your obituary.


I am under a lot of stress and have no one close enough to talk to.

How much of your stress is imaginary? By that I mean accentuated by your illness making it seem worse than it really is.


It is going to be very hard for me to deal with all this.

It's always been hard for you to deal with but you've managed to prevail long enough to get past your 35th birthday and you're soon to be 36.

I have no hope that anything will get better.
I find myself hoping that this year will be the last one where I am alive.
I can't even think of living for another year like this.
I hope it is over soon.
I still have the same suicidal ideations,
Money problems are getting to me now as well.
I am under a lot of stress
I have no one close enough to talk to.
It is going to be very hard for me to deal with all this.
I am almost done with this phase of school. I will have an associate degree in English.
I am thinking about going back to get one in computer science too, while going to a university for my bachelor degree in English.
Money problems are getting to me now as well.
I am under a lot of stress
I still have the same suicidal ideations,
It is going to be very hard for me to deal with all this.
Money problems are getting to me now as well.
I have no hope that anything will get better.
I find myself hoping that this year will be the last one where I am alive.
I can't even think of living for another year like this.
I hope it is over soon.
I am thinking about going back to get one in computer science too,
Money problems are getting to me now as well.
It is going to be very hard for me to deal with all this.
I still have the same suicidal ideations,
I have no one close enough to talk to.
I can't even think of living for another year like this.
I'm lonely
I am under a lot of stress
Money problems are getting to me now as well.
I know things aren't going to get better
I am under a lot of stress
I'm finding it hard to deal with all this
I wish I had somebody to talk to
Now I have suicidal ideations.
The stress is getting to me
Money problems are getting to me now
I know things will never get better
I know this year will be my last
I know I won't live much longer
I know it will be over soon.
I have suicidal idealizations now
Well I'm not worried about money now
Funny how that stress melted away
I feel so alone.
I've decided how to deal with this.
Things will never get better.
It's time.

My but that's a lot of babbling when all I wanted to say is this.

Basilisk when that word "hope" changes into the word "know" it's time to get help otherwise I may be reading your obituary.
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