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 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 244
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperatedPage 3 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
*just jim* wrote:
Yes and he [JEH]was a cross dresser to boot! lol You gotta watch out for them Feds too.... lol


Oooh, forgot about that - all I was initially worried about was the stench of having been in a grave for over 3 decades!! (dangit, why isn't there a "puking your guts up" smiley?!)


ManicMelanie wrote:
It's a tough call. I MIGHT go out with a guy who is separated. I would NOT have sex with him.

Why not, specifically?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 247
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/12/2009 12:34:45 AM
I made the mistake of dating someone who after a few months told me he still had deep feelings for his ex. He was smitten with me after 3 days only to later say he had no feelings at all, they were still with the ex. She was happily with another man but it didn't stop the guy I was dating from still hoping he could get her back. At first he said no way did he want her back after she cheated on him. He then would write love poems about her. I was then hesitant when through a dating site I met another man who was separated but not divorced. I made sure to keep things on a friends only status until I knew he was clearly over his ex and it was just a matter of papers being filed. His emotional divorce had happened long before we met and there was no chance he was still hoping for reconciliation, unlike the first man who was still clinging to his past. We didn't even talk about sex for months so I knew he wasn't out for one thing. He had already tried to make things work and was the second time he had filed. He had a long drawn out divorce because of lawyers putting things off. It isn't the papers being filed that are important it is the letting go of the past relationship before trying to start another one. Some people are to that point long before the divorce is final and others are not.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 249
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/12/2009 6:06:30 AM
I feel they would go running back. I bet that's why a few I dated said they were "divorced", then when I met them they said they were only separated.

I do not feel comfortable dating separated. Put the final nail in the coffin, then we'll talk. I don't want the baggage.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 250
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/12/2009 7:45:36 AM
What constitutes "separated"? My divorce took almost five years--I suppose I was technically separated during that time. There was NO chance of reconciliation.

However, I was recently contacted by a man whose profile said "separated." When I asked him about it, he said that he was living with his handicapped wife of 18 years whom he had only married so she could get his medical insurance. He said he would divorce her if he found a woman whom he wanted to marry.

That is NOT separated.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 259
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/15/2009 10:59:08 AM
This is a sticky wicket.
Some people say they are separated but emotionally divorced
from their spouses.
Some people say they are separated but are still attached via
real estate or child issues.
I guess it depends on how much drama you like in your life.
Some divorces happen quickly. Once we decided to go through
with the divorce (after being separated for a year) it only took
6 months.
Other divorces take FOREVA..parties trying to hash out who gets
what...child support...visitations...etc etc.
Relationships (for me anyways) are sometimes hard enough to work
on. You're having to deal with inviting someone new into your life,
working them into the family dynamics, working around jobs and/or
the life you've created as a single person.
I guess it would totally depend on the "separated" person.
I firmly believe their are people out there that keep their status quo
as a defense mechanism. (as in...yeah I like you but you know I'm
just separated, don't be expecting too much from me)
Now if this doesn't apply to you...no need to go into a tear about it!
(ahahahahahaha)
 _allen_
Joined: 6/14/2009
Msg: 261
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/18/2009 10:00:40 PM
It's my Rule #1 -- Don't date married women. It's tragic and pathetic on my part. In addition, if seperated she is, in fact, considered to be married by law. And we don't need drama in my quiet nook of a life.

Rule #2 --Don't date women with children. That's a subject for another thread ...
 Luvbeing49
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 264
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/19/2009 3:59:12 PM
I can understand some of the feelings but....I think each person and situation should be assessed on its own merit. I have dated a man who was separated and he went back to his wife when he found out she was pregnant with his child. I was devastated because we were truly what I consider soul mates. It was rough for a while but I got on with my life and eventually another long term relationship. Now I am separated and exploring the world to attract a new partner in my life. I have been separated for 3 years and my ex lives with his girlfriend. I have not asked for a divorce because his life is so financially unstable, it would cause him great financial hardship to meet mandatory court decided child support. We have maintained a positive relationship and that is important to me for the sake of the children. I would not say I would never go back to him because my sister raised me to believe "never say never cause never comes true". I can say that is certainly not my intention and I hope to find someone who can understand that and know that if our relationship ever became of a very serious nature to both of us, I would not hesitate to penalize my ex regardless of the implications to him. But for now, why rock the boat? I'd rather keep the peace and not have my kids stuck between two parents who can't get along and are constantly arguing.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 265
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/19/2009 7:26:45 PM

both of those scenarios of being "Separated." Thus, most guys and gals would rather just avoid that population to date than to try to figure out which scenario of "Separation" they fit under.

Well put. I think separated people looking for tride-and-true relationships don't "want to be judged". When it boils down to it, they're not being judged by everyone. But they have the burden of proof to prove that they're in a very rare case where things COULDN'T be dramatic. And it's nobody else's duty to have to jump through hoops to find out if they are or aren't.... hence, why even go down the relationship route with someone who's still tied up in some legal sense (in the very least) with their ex, when you're looking for a serious LTR?

Now, as far as flings or casual dating's concerned, it really shouldn't be an issue at all.

I was technically separated during that time. There was NO chance of reconciliation.

I think the fear of reconciliation is only ONE potential avenue for drama. It can also be mourning the failure of the marriage, courtroom drama, post-marriage-traumatic stress, pining over ex in odd ways even if they don't really want them as a partner, etc. And they can be totally truthful they don't feel anything for their officially-soon-to-be-ex, but feelings can change in many different directions. Point being, with real relationships on someone's mind, they shouldn't both going down the route of someone separated, as it adds a very high probability that there will be EXTRA drama to add to an already drama-filled sea of fish in the dating scene. :)
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 270
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/30/2009 1:02:09 PM
As I stated earlier I dated a man who was going through a divorce and not ready to move on. After 2 months of dating he said he still had deep feelings for his ex and was not ready for another commitment. She had cheated on him but he wasn't over her even though she had moved on with another man. I am now with a man who when we met wasn't quite divorced by paper so it put up a RED FLAG for me but I soon found out he was emotionally divorced. It was the second time he had filed. He tried making it work for the kids but his ex has anger issues as well as Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits. In fact his ex is a lot like mine.


It isn't the papers being filed that are important it is the letting go of the past relationship before trying to start another one. Some people are to that point long before the divorce is final and others are not. To use my ex for an example, it has been over 2 years since the finalization of the divorce and over 3 separated. Our divorce took about a year to be final because of a bitter custody battle. I considered myself free to date others during the separation but I didn't because I was not emotionally ready for quite some time. I didn't want to go back to him but wasn't ready to trust another man either. My ex still thinks I am pretending to be happy without him and someday will come crawling back to him. His emotional divorce hasn't happened yet even though he was the one filed the papers.


Some people go through the entire divorce process and end up back together. It's not signing the papers that matter it's moving on from the past.


AND during his divorce my boyfriend found out his ex is engaged to be married this Spring. No chance of reconciliation there.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 271
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/30/2009 1:55:26 PM
Tell the truth in your profile. You are not legally divorced by paper but are ready to move on from the relationship if that is the case. Do not lie to start another relationship. The truth will come out and trusting someone is a very important part of making a healthy relationship last.




Every one is different and every situation is different. I look at the whole picture instead of focusing on a specific label.



good answer bluesandrock
 jeff farish
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 273
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 12/30/2009 11:37:28 PM
No ! No ! And No : Do yourself a favor and don't set your self up !!!! It's like standing on the train tracks looking at a train that's just setting their idling , at some point that train is going to run you over if you don't get off the tracks >>>>>>>>>
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 276
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:48:53 PM
sensibly sweet wrote:
Seperated is just that... seperated from the one your "still" married to.

Legally. Not emotionally. Big difference. A number of single and divorced people are "still" married to someone.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 278
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:55:28 PM
Well, I think that some people who are separated and HAVE been for pretty long time like a few years, still tend to keep a rather close contact - perhaps too close. This is especially true if there are kids involved. While I don't have a problem with the kids, I DO have a problem if they're are constantly being used as an excuse to spend time together. Let's face it, it's time to snap out the illusion when you meet a new person.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 279
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:58:33 PM
Judgmental much, are we?

manicmelanie wrote:
IF you're separated, get divorced

Spoken like one who doesn't have a clue as to what the process is like or how long it often takes - which is odd, considering that you are in fact a divorcee yourself.


manicmelanie wrote:
get your head

What on earth does that even mean? It sounds like a vague reference to getting oral sex, which I'm ASSUMING is not what you're going for here....


manicmelanie wrote:
yourself, your sh*t and your act together

Again, what does this even mean?

manicmelanie wrote:
THEN date. Period.

Jawohl, feldkommandant!! All separated people hear, and obey!

manicmelanie wrote:
IF you're single, stay away from "separated" people

Did you get burned by someone who was separated, or may have lied about being separated?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 281
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/27/2010 1:28:14 PM

who is the judge that says that because i am seperated, i need to join a monstary to repent for my sins , to comtemplate my actions? who sets the egg timer? who lets me know when i am free from my time out? Your full of BS

Same goes with someone who broke up in recent history from an LTR. You don't know when they're over it!

There is no time-line, but the same could be said by someone who broke up or filed for divorce yesterday. We'd obviously heed on that. For some people it takes years and years, some folks, just a year, some folks just a few months -- with some folks, it was done before divorce hits.

But who are we to judge that someone IS drama-emotional-baggage free just because they said so? Who are we to judge that someone is suffocating from emotional-baggage and undatable, too? Neither. We can't assume one's in a healthy-dating-emotional state, and we can't assume they're on the worst end of the spectrum, either.

So what people do is make judgments on probability, not the person. If someone's separated, sure, they could find out that maybe they've been separated for 5 years, their wife's in another state, and the kid situation's fine, etc etc. But what are the chances that person, with just "Separated" not in the best state for healthy dating off the bat? HIGH. What are the chances that someone who says they just broke up from an LTR in their profile isn't in the best state for healthy dating off the bat? VERY HIGH.

If one's looking for serious dating, why would they want to waste their time on in finding out? Take people's WORDS for it? Yeah, that goes well online - lol. They'd have to spend some time with them -- why do that when you have people who aren't in such situations? It's not against an individual, it's just avoiding anything potential, that's all -- you can't blame them, unless you believe a high % of people who are separated are in a great state to do serious dating (NOT just "you").

Example:
- Guy decides to a buy a house and no longer rent. He doesn't want to sign another lease on the place he's at, but he can't move into the house until 90 days later.
- Well, his parents actually live relatively close in their roomy place. He hasn't spent enough time there, so he decides to stay there -- it spells convenience in every direction.
- Except for one: It diminishes the dating scene of gals who don't know him (strangers).

Out of all the people who are "just for now" staying at their parents' -- a high % are NOT catches that many good-catch ladies like. If he's mature, he understands that nobody has an obligation to collect evidence on the truth about it since it's a classic not-entirely-true story, and it's OKAY, from stranger to stranger, they'd assume a high probability that he's exaggerating about actually moving out and he could be a bit of a loser and not to go down that aisle. Instead, he waits over 2 months to maybe until it's "next Saturday" he's moving in, where there is a less liklihood he's making that up, because he'd have only until next Saturday to fake that. He can blame people for calling him a loser -- yes -- they don't know him. But he can't blame people for making a probability assessment BECAUSE they don't know him -- on whether it'd be wise to get wound up in the whole Pre-Season of Dating with them, too.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 283
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/27/2010 1:56:08 PM
I met some one online who was still going through a divorce and it ended up I was just a rebound for them. He hadn't got through the emotional attachment to his soon to be ex even though his ex had moved on. She was happily with another man so I thought foolishly no chance of reconciliation so it should be ok. I was hesitant but believed him it was over and had sex way before I usually do. I was dumped with an email after our last date about 2 months later because he still had deep feelings for his ex. I read a love poem he put on his myspace right before. At first he denied it meant anything except that he was moving on.




For some people it takes years and years, some folks, just a year, some folks just a few months -- with some folks, it was done before divorce hits.



I met another man online a few months later who was also going through a divorce. I wasn't falling for that again but I really liked how his personality seemed through his writing. We met in person but I kept things on a friend only level this time. I figured nothing wrong with having another friend but I wasn't going to let myself think it was more and get hurt again. Eventually it was clear he was over the emotional divorce and just having problems getting the paper work over with. He had filed a few years before but decided to try again for the kids. This time he wasn't reconciling. He even found out his ex was engaged at the final divorce hearing.


I knew I wasn't just a rebound when he wanted to develop our friendship and relationship before having sex. Unlike the other guy this man wanted to wait months not weeks. I am now in a relationship with him going on 10 months together.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 286
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/27/2010 4:40:18 PM

I met some one online who was still going through a divorce and it ended up I was just a rebound for them.

That's exactly why people don't want to start getting involved with those who are separated or even recently broken up in an medium-length relationship. Online dating sites are the watering holes for folks on the rebound -- which is fine for flings and really casual dating situations -- but not great for looking for serious dating.

Oh, but someone will say "But NOT mine! Who are you to judge me?!"
(a) Who is one to judge you merely by what you claim;
(b) Again, many people don't know themselves; so they themselves may not be a person to judge, just because they're itching to meet new people; and no other person is certainly to know (judge) for sure whether they are or not

The funny thing is that since an outsider/stranger does not know one way or the other, they feel they shouldn't be "judged".

The debate is about burden of proof. Claims won't do it. When you're dealing with a high % of people who are married-but-separated, who are NOT ready to date and are in rebound/drama city, the burden of proof shifts on THEM to reasonably prove that they don't fall into that high % margin. The outsider/stranger doesn't have to claim that they ARE in rebound/drama city to avoid dating them -- they can just say "high %, won't bother". They have no obligation.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 287
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/27/2010 4:48:47 PM
S.O.U.L wrote:
It just seems like those who are seperatred or pro seperation dating seem more concern with their situation rather than looking at it from the point of view of the person entering the relationship who isnt seperated.


I can't speak for anyone else, but in my own case . . BOTH points of view - I have been the separated guy dating, and I have dated separated women.

But while I don't know your intent, your comment seems to imply selfishness on the part of the separated people. Not so. Or, one might equally say "Well, I've been burned by separated people before, even if they lied about being separated, so I'm going to push a blanket judgment over ALL separated people."

Or Catholic. Or Eskimo. Or red-haired. Or German. Or fill-in-anything-here.


S.O.U.L wrote:
Hypothetical scenario: Non seperated person (NSP) has been dating seperated person (SP) for a year or two while the seperation is still happening. NSP wants to move the relationship to the next level...marriage. Seperated person's ex decides to drag the divorce process out longer. How long is the NSP suppose to wait until the SP gets divorceD so they can move forward with getting married?


This is a bogus scenario. How quickly is the NSP trying to drag the SP to the altar? How much time does one really expect it to take from first-meet to "I do"? Isn't it VERY likely that the separation-to-divorce process is going to take less time than the first-meet-to marriage-process?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 288
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/27/2010 5:50:34 PM
Confident- Realist why do you keep quoting me ?lol


Anyway, I wanted to add I myself was separated for about 2 years. I lived with him the first year but had little contact with him. I was just waiting for our oldest son to finish school. Later I moved into my brother's house to think about things and after going out with my husband a few times trying to make things ok again less than a month later he sent the divorce papers. The divorce took almost a year to be finalized because of court hearings due to a child custody case. I did not feel emotionally ready to date during that time but did foolishly fall for a man who lived overseas. We met on Yahoo Answers not a dating site. I suppose that was my rebound even though we never met.


I still say it's not the fact they are separated that matters. It is if they are over the past. As a few have pointed out it could be just getting over a long term relationship doesn't have to be a marriage. There is no way to find out if they are truly ready to date without getting to know the other person. Sometimes it's worth the risk though and sometimes it's not. I understand some people won't bother finding out.

My first experience with dating a separated man I met online on a dating site turned out he was not ready and I should of seen the red flags. At first he said I was using him for a rebound from getting over a FWB but it turned out he was the one not ready. After my first experience I was determined not to date anyone else who was only separated. I'm glad I gave the second man a chance also met on the same dating site. He has turned out to be a great guy but I took things slow this time. I met him expecting to find friendship and cautious of more. It was quite awhile before I could really be comfortable dating him. No longer worried he would disappear.
 Major_Tom65
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 291
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 2:28:22 PM
I'm separated, about a year & a half already.

And this is the first thread on the few sites I'm on regarding it.


Even if I was ,and when I was single, I had no problem.


You have to get to know a person beforehand,imo, to see for yourself if them being separated is enough of an issue to preclude you from dating them.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 292
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 3:36:01 PM

I still say it's not the fact they are separated that matters. It is if they are over the past.

But they are connected most of the time. A vast majority of people who are separated are not over the past -- emotionally AND situationally. And the last people to make judgments on that is them, actually -- most think they've already moved past something when they haven't yet. Usually a non-ultra-loyalist-but-very-close friend would be the best judge. Many times we call "over things" meaning "it's not hell", or just in comparison to when it was... but in the end, not quite over it. Heck, sometimes people NEVER get over & thru stuff *fully*...

... but that's not a huge problem if you're aiming at flings or ultra-casual dating situations.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 293
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 4:02:09 PM
It's true quite often they are not ready for anything more than a casual dating situation or fling (1st guy I met through dating site) but sometimes they are ready for more. If they worked through all the emotional attachment before the divorce was filed. I certainly wasn't ready to date while I was going through my divorce, too much drama and stress. Other people have less difficulties and are able to move on sooner.

I admit I was NOT comfortable dating my SO knowing he was not divorced yet. I wasn't worried about him going back to his ex just about him not being ready for a commitment and changing his mind about me. This is why we took things slow. I may of been hesitant to start a relationship because he was separated but I'm still NOT sorry we did. The only reason his divorce wasn't final is because of incompetent lawyers and as I said his ex wife was already engaged.lol
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 294
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:40:16 PM
I would not say "some one way, some the other way" -- I believe it's wide-majority not-ready, narrow minority is-ready. The best way to know is by engaging with people who are going thru a divorce, or even making a mental note every time other people have and their assessments of how things unfolded, too (for good OR bad).

but sometimes they are ready for more

I would say sometimes they definitely -desire- more, yes. Sometimes they aren't in a horrible spot as they once were, yes. But IMO, that doesn't mean they're really set for real dating. Many times you don't know until you actually get involved, and then find out, "Ehh, maybe I'm not ready for this". IMO, they'd best be mingling with other folks out of a relationship, breaking up, and/or separated. I think a lot of people who just got out of a relationship, or are in the official breaking up process (of separation or not), go thru a period of time where they don't want to date -- but then when they've collected themselves for the most part, think they're "ready" for dating -- which IMO, happens too hastily for most... just like some NEVER want to date EVER lol

But that is the dating world when people are past their mid-20s and up... the lesson is, if you're one who can't help but to put emotional investment in something and take it real serious on that level, or aim to, don't go down the road of folks who just got out of a relationship or who are separated. Skip over those profiles. If you just want to get your feet wet in the dating game, and don't want to take things emotionally seriously and all that -- those can be the ones you probably should take a closer look at.
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 295
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:33:06 PM
Doesn't bother me one bit...then again, I too am only seperated. To me there is a big difference between being seperated for a short time vs. a long term seperation. In either case I wiegh out the other persons emotions regarding the subject. I also ask why the long seperation, they may have very valid reasons.
Dating is about emotions, not a piece of paper that they do or don't have.

Copied from one of my other posts on the topic....
If you all really think about it, we are all separated in one way or an other. Whether you have been married and are now separated or divorced, if you have ever broken up with someone, if you are widowed, you are separated. It's a piece of paper or a verbal agreement and in the case of being widowed, it's the only (and usually unwanted) permanent separation. People get back together all the time, regardless of divorce or break ups. When and if I met the right guy, I will gladly push the process along, my ex happens to agree with and understand this.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 296
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:23:32 PM
moonbeamlover wrote:
if you are only look at it in terms of full marriage or nothing it's bogus...


And since that was EXACTLY what S.O.U.L. was talking about in the part that I quoted and responded to, then, even in your view, it *is* bogus.

moonbeamlover wrote:
People talk about single parents having a lot of obligations, but single parents who are separated have even more; because they are trying so hard to make sure the divorce will be amicable and trying to figure out the custody stuff. etc, and making sure they are always making sure the ex is happy (which is awesome, I LOVE that rather than the alternative where they are hostile to the point of rabid hatred), that there is almost no energy left, no consistency of time, and on the depth chart the new person will be dead last; after everything else.


Have even more? No, not really. All the things you mention aren't all-consuming tasks. A LOT of that stuff is, for better or worse, background. You do a few things and have to wait. Then you have to do a few things and have to wait.

moonbeamlover wrote:
you won't know if the ex will even let you have a Saturday night that's planned or bail on their night with the kids and have you have to constantly cancel last minute plans, so she (or he) can assert their power, and keep them constantly on edge and on the hook.


Now you're talking specifically separated with kids. What if they're separated, but there are no children involved?

Further, let's put the child/children back in the equation. Now you are just eliminating everyone with kids - what makes you think that even after the divorce, the ex might not do the same last minute things anyway?


I don't get it. The things you say that will be the things consuming a separated person's life don't actually take the time and energy you claim they do - and the other argument (with the kids and the last minute thing) is something that's applicable whether they're separated, divorced, or never married at all in the first place.


Don't get me wrong - if people who are opposed to separated people dating (or dating separated people) want to tell themselves that they're avoiding problems, and that they're safer with any given divorced or single person, that's all fine. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that you're beating the odds of running into trouble by avoiding the separated people.
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