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 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 293
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperatedPage 4 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
It's true quite often they are not ready for anything more than a casual dating situation or fling (1st guy I met through dating site) but sometimes they are ready for more. If they worked through all the emotional attachment before the divorce was filed. I certainly wasn't ready to date while I was going through my divorce, too much drama and stress. Other people have less difficulties and are able to move on sooner.

I admit I was NOT comfortable dating my SO knowing he was not divorced yet. I wasn't worried about him going back to his ex just about him not being ready for a commitment and changing his mind about me. This is why we took things slow. I may of been hesitant to start a relationship because he was separated but I'm still NOT sorry we did. The only reason his divorce wasn't final is because of incompetent lawyers and as I said his ex wife was already engaged.lol
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 294
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 6:40:16 PM
I would not say "some one way, some the other way" -- I believe it's wide-majority not-ready, narrow minority is-ready. The best way to know is by engaging with people who are going thru a divorce, or even making a mental note every time other people have and their assessments of how things unfolded, too (for good OR bad).

but sometimes they are ready for more

I would say sometimes they definitely -desire- more, yes. Sometimes they aren't in a horrible spot as they once were, yes. But IMO, that doesn't mean they're really set for real dating. Many times you don't know until you actually get involved, and then find out, "Ehh, maybe I'm not ready for this". IMO, they'd best be mingling with other folks out of a relationship, breaking up, and/or separated. I think a lot of people who just got out of a relationship, or are in the official breaking up process (of separation or not), go thru a period of time where they don't want to date -- but then when they've collected themselves for the most part, think they're "ready" for dating -- which IMO, happens too hastily for most... just like some NEVER want to date EVER lol

But that is the dating world when people are past their mid-20s and up... the lesson is, if you're one who can't help but to put emotional investment in something and take it real serious on that level, or aim to, don't go down the road of folks who just got out of a relationship or who are separated. Skip over those profiles. If you just want to get your feet wet in the dating game, and don't want to take things emotionally seriously and all that -- those can be the ones you probably should take a closer look at.
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 295
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 7:33:06 PM
Doesn't bother me one bit...then again, I too am only seperated. To me there is a big difference between being seperated for a short time vs. a long term seperation. In either case I wiegh out the other persons emotions regarding the subject. I also ask why the long seperation, they may have very valid reasons.
Dating is about emotions, not a piece of paper that they do or don't have.

Copied from one of my other posts on the topic....
If you all really think about it, we are all separated in one way or an other. Whether you have been married and are now separated or divorced, if you have ever broken up with someone, if you are widowed, you are separated. It's a piece of paper or a verbal agreement and in the case of being widowed, it's the only (and usually unwanted) permanent separation. People get back together all the time, regardless of divorce or break ups. When and if I met the right guy, I will gladly push the process along, my ex happens to agree with and understand this.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 296
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:23:32 PM
moonbeamlover wrote:
if you are only look at it in terms of full marriage or nothing it's bogus...


And since that was EXACTLY what S.O.U.L. was talking about in the part that I quoted and responded to, then, even in your view, it *is* bogus.

moonbeamlover wrote:
People talk about single parents having a lot of obligations, but single parents who are separated have even more; because they are trying so hard to make sure the divorce will be amicable and trying to figure out the custody stuff. etc, and making sure they are always making sure the ex is happy (which is awesome, I LOVE that rather than the alternative where they are hostile to the point of rabid hatred), that there is almost no energy left, no consistency of time, and on the depth chart the new person will be dead last; after everything else.


Have even more? No, not really. All the things you mention aren't all-consuming tasks. A LOT of that stuff is, for better or worse, background. You do a few things and have to wait. Then you have to do a few things and have to wait.

moonbeamlover wrote:
you won't know if the ex will even let you have a Saturday night that's planned or bail on their night with the kids and have you have to constantly cancel last minute plans, so she (or he) can assert their power, and keep them constantly on edge and on the hook.


Now you're talking specifically separated with kids. What if they're separated, but there are no children involved?

Further, let's put the child/children back in the equation. Now you are just eliminating everyone with kids - what makes you think that even after the divorce, the ex might not do the same last minute things anyway?


I don't get it. The things you say that will be the things consuming a separated person's life don't actually take the time and energy you claim they do - and the other argument (with the kids and the last minute thing) is something that's applicable whether they're separated, divorced, or never married at all in the first place.


Don't get me wrong - if people who are opposed to separated people dating (or dating separated people) want to tell themselves that they're avoiding problems, and that they're safer with any given divorced or single person, that's all fine. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that you're beating the odds of running into trouble by avoiding the separated people.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 302
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:30:09 PM
As I said before I was not comfortable dating a person who was separated and going through a divorce but I did it anyway, twice. The first time was a learning experience for me as I myself was just getting back into the dating world after being with the same guy so long. We both rushed things too fast. I waited until well after my divorce was final to date because I knew I wasn't ready. The 2nd guy I was more cautious and we took our time developing a relationship. He was worth every minute of doubt because I am still happily with him.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 305
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/29/2010 4:29:00 PM
Vegabond,

I think you can't just discard a PERSON like that..

Pass over their profile? Sure. Why do they have an obligation to write you?

people have feelings, a past, hopes and dreams. regardless of what social label is stuck on em...

Not a label stuck on them individually. It's not like "being fat" either. It's a high probability scale. Since you are a stranger (a statistic), and they are a stranger (a statistic), they have zero obligations to write you. Secondly, there is a much higher probability among strangers who have "separated" bring more baggage/issues/drama/emotional issues/etc. to some degree. It MAY not be you. It may not be the 15th separated profile or stranger one comes across, either. It would be hasty to assuredly label a specific person in a certain way. It is not wrong to pass it over due the FACT that there's a higher liklihood of issues one would have to deal with if they were looking for 'real' dating.

People do have feelings, as to the people who choose to write someone or get involved with someone -- but that's all moot anyway. A person who just broke up from an LTR and still lives with their bf/gf has feelings. Their intentions can be good. In fact, they could be that ultra-rare less-than-1% minority where there is ZERO baggage, too! But you don't know them! Who are you to judge that it's a rare case where everything's hunkey-dorey? Burden of proof is on them -- but to have that revealed, you'd have to date them for a while to get full convincing evidence about it. WHY demand an obligation go thru that? :)

The stranger who is in a demographic where there is a very high likelihood of dating/relationship/emotional issues has the burden of proof to prove otherwise -- not the person doing window shopping.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 307
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/29/2010 9:13:28 PM
Confident-Realist wrote:
Not a label stuck on them individually. It's not like "being fat" either. It's a high probability scale.


You've stated words to this effect in a few posts.

How do you figure that? Is that statement supposed to be proof by assertion? Anecdotal evidence?

Why do you think a separated person is MORE likely to be unready emotionally than anyone else?
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 309
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/30/2010 3:42:46 PM
lookingelsewhere wrote:
NotElvisJr - I agree with you this time

Whoa! I'm pretty sure we'll have to keep it quiet - either the admins will take down the site if we agree, or it might be one of the signs of the biblical apocalypse!

Ok, I know I'm being absurd - I think even when we've disagreed, we've done so agreeably.

Bohemian702 wrote:
but I date him because he look like Kevin Costner, well, most likely a redneck version of it

Considering Costner's role in Swing Vote - that's not too hard to imagine!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 311
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/30/2010 4:41:56 PM

How do you figure that? Is that statement supposed to be proof by assertion? Anecdotal evidence?

Not anecdotal evidence, but by personal experience, fair observation, and the direction of common sense. Not by merely "this one time" or heresay. When you're in the dating market of people in their 30s, it's not too uncommon to run into separated folks.

Why do you think a separated person is MORE likely to be unready emotionally than anyone else?

For the same reason a random selection of people who just got out of a serious LTR isn't fully emotionally ready for serious/relationship-aimed dating. Are they more ready for something casual (no emotional strings attached)? Sure. Personal experience has most certainly solidified it, too. No, not all situations are the same -- but again, you're not going to know their real situation until you're knee deep in knowing them. And are there exceptions that exist? Yes.

Am I going out on a limb to say this? ... People who are separated have a higher liklihood of being someone who "scores higher" on the following characteristics, than folks who are not in the state of marital separation (all other things considered equal):
- Someone who's attached to someone else still/Not "quite over" someone else
- Has troubled thoughts about relationships
- Has issues still going on in regards to an ex that affects them and aren't resolved without being problematic in some way
- Higher-than-average liklihood of fibbing/exaggerating/downplaying (lying) about their current situation

Can someone not in martial separation score very high on this? Yes. Can that person be much higher than many folks who are currently in martial separation? Yes, because they're most likely going thru a non-martial breakup process. Does that mean probabilities are about the same? No.

And some people have been separated for a good long time and uncommonly end up getting along well with their soon-to-be-official-ex and there are no issues at hand, and a divorce lawyer's dream. Some people can go through a breakup and after the official separation/breakup, be mentally ready, as good as anyone out there.
- But how often are you going to come across someone who is in post-breakup or martial separation who IS "fine"?
- What does it take to know -for sure-? Dating them for a while. Is it time worth spent if it's a high probability they aren't, in terms of being in the serious level?
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 312
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/30/2010 7:08:49 PM
I'm going to have to slice-and-dice slightly for this one...

Confident-Realist wrote:

- Has issues still going on in regards to an ex that affects them and aren't resolved without being problematic in some way


Ok, I can see where you're coming from on this one. Though those with kids (whether divorced, or never married in the first place) will have some, but not all, of these issues as well.


Confident-Realist wrote:
- Someone who's attached to someone else still/Not "quite over" someone else
- Has troubled thoughts about relationships
- Higher-than-average liklihood of fibbing/exaggerating/downplaying (lying) about their current situation


I think these apply to anyone, other than those who've never been in a relationship before.

Well, except the fibbing/lying/exaggerating - that can be anyone and everyone - and frankly, if someone's admitting they're separated, they're already revealing something about their relationship that they might otherwise have hidden, aren't they?

I guess we're just never going to see eye to eye on this one... I don't see any rational train of logic for the much-higher-probability part that isn't also just about equally applicable to someone who's single or divorced. Except for specific ongoing issues, mostly specific legal items, I imagine.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 313
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/31/2010 12:50:27 PM

I think these apply to anyone, other than those who've never been in a relationship before.

Yeah, that's why I said "score higher", if you divide the two. Especially since a dating site is a place where there will be many people on the rebound & getting their feet wet in dating when they're not ready -- but for one who is, they will want to minimize those chances. IMO, it's pretty common sensical. If you're looking for serious dating without someone having an ex in the background, you don't put forth efforts toward profile (A) who says they just got out of a relationship, is maritally separated, etc., vs profile (B) who is void of that visibly in their profile. Granted -- profile B could be too! But less chance, as profile (A) is a much higher likelihood.

Here's something I drummed up, a little off topic. I did a search on women 30-45, grabbing profiles of thin/athletic/average, Separated vs Single (80 each), to see what they are "looking for". It doesn't mean what they are "ready for" in either demographic -- but just to see if there is a difference in mindset at all, and if one could just lump "everyone the same". Long-Term, Dating, and Friends/Hang-Out/All Others. It's just about trend... and I'm NOT knocking people who are separated or broken up -- such folks SHOULD be in on the dating scene to some (lite) degree after they've at least collected themselves.

*Single*
- Long Term: 52%
- Dating: 34%
- Friends/Hang-Out/Other: 14%

*Separated*
- Long Term: 19%
- Dating: 51%
- Friends/Hang-Out/Other: 30%

Point is to see the difference in their "aim". Twice as likely to just want to hang-out/hook-up/not-officially-date/just-talk when separated than single. And WAY less likely aiming for LTR. Point is, people's aims are distinctly different, statistically -- so I think it'd be hasty to say they're all the same in wants/needs/readiness/etc. Food for thought.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 315
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/31/2010 7:13:05 PM
Confident-Realist....

Interesting stuff (separated vs single list). I wonder though, how Divorced would work into that (or Widowed, now that I think about it).

Single is interesting... though I wonder if it artificially skews toward long-term. It's been my experience (no real statistics, my own meeting/dating experiences) that people putting long-term are more interested in dating. BUT, perhaps there's an artificial inflation of it due to "this is what's expected of me because I'm not married yet at this stage in my life."

Meh, if I think about this post any further, I'll probably come up with a half dozen possibilities to explain each potential thing, and wish I had a staff of several dozen and a research grant to try to nail down what's going on.

I might actually try to give such a search a try in my area to see what I come up with, although I think I'm going to allow all build/body types, but also look at divorced, etc
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 317
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 1/31/2010 10:14:10 PM
NotElvis,

Yeah, Widowed would be another one -- offhand, I would say it'd depend on the length of time they passed. Divorced though would be interesting. The reason I didn't put that in was because many people who are separated don't like the "next!" mentality people have, so they put Divorced instead (hence, forum threads like this)... so I selected Single to clear out any potential Separated that would cross paths (and some people put 'Single' and not 'Divorced' if they've been Divorced for a long time).

For those never married -- it could go either way, IMO. They could be desperate -- but that's why I cut out the "less attractive" ones with the body type... If they're less attractive and never married -- higher probability of desperation for someone to sweep them off their feet. And of course, maybe they were married when they were 22 for a few years, but since that was like 10 years ago and they were "so young" they just put Single (some people treat Divorced like "divorced in a serious marriage in recent history"). But also, someone not Recently Divorced? I wouldn't say they'd be less inclined for LTR necessarily -- maybe actual marriage, sure... but when getting past 30, people tend to go LTR when their drama settles (which is why I selected 30-45).

But from those #s -- of folks in an age where they would be more inclined to look for LTRs when having ex-drama behind them (married ex or serious bf ex)... is what you'd expect from a demographic with a high probability of "ex baggage", marital or not -- low LTR, high hang-out.

Just did a quick run thru of Divorced. Wow. I thought it'd be a mix, but it was not:

LTR: 56%
Dating: 38%
Friends/Hang-Out/Other: 6%

Interesting. I'll have to run it again some other time to see if it's like that. I was a little shocked -- the most wanting LTR. All the numbers are going to fluxuate since they're somewhat random -- so I'd say "Single" and "Divorced" will probably fall into the same ballpark, when compared to Separated.

Windowed? That'd be interesting. I don't think they'd want to be running around getting some revenge-play or anything... but not LTR per se either if it's been recent.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 318
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:48:03 PM
Ack, guys, stop, or I'm going to spend the next several weeks collecting numbers and driving myself nuts with statistical analysis . . .

Yeah, I'm a numbers geek like that.


I'll agree with you C-R, I'm surprised at Divorced, and would've guessed it more to be something halfway between Separated and Single.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 319
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:48:46 PM
funnyone,

Most of the statistics are interesting, but how are the relevent to me? what am I to do with the numbers?

I feel like I'm the host of an infomercial now. :) Actually, those are pretty distinct in terms of Separated. What it says is that women who are separated tend to have a more "casual" aim when it comes to dating. Not surprising to most. It's evidence that statistically, most people maritally separated aren't in the best spot for serious dating, if that wasn't a natural assumption already.

Its like sampling cars in the parking lot of walmart and drawing conclusions on the persons individual wealth, not counting the Saturns, or Ponitacs.

It'd be like taking people's wealth, 30-45yrs old, based on the car they drive, by getting an average of one's income based on type of car they drive (if they had an income sticker on their car).

IF you were looking for a sugar daddy, yes, that would mean something to you. IF you were trying to avoid a low-middle-class person, yes, that would mean something to you. I mean that in terms of who to approach and who not to, and no, it's not supposed to be an exact science. And if you already know them, you could have just asked.

you expended the effort,but what do i do with it?

What you do is the same thing sales people do. When they have limited time hitting up strangers, they hit up a particular "demographic". It does not mean people outside that demographic won't be great customers. It just means it's the more effective returns vs time/money spent.

So if you're looking for something casual and don't mind potential ex's in the background -- put Separated as your top priority. If you're looking for something serious, put that as last.

I didn't leave out undesirables per se -- there are many included in "Thin/Athletic/Average"... and also, "Prefer Not to Say" and some who put "Few Extra Pounds" won't necessarily be "undesirable" by everyone's standards... body-type isn't the only path either. In other words, I did take out a lot of most-likely-less-wanted-ones so it didn't put a slant on "lonely" if unmarried (a more attractive woman unmarried past 30 won't be unmarried because she's lonely)... nor "lonely" if separated, either.
 tilark99
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 324
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/5/2012 11:50:26 AM
No I do not. I don't date married men, and if they are seperated/not yet divorced... well, that means they are MARRIED. No gray area on that for me.
 DeFlederMaus
Joined: 11/5/2011
Msg: 329
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/5/2012 10:06:56 PM
No,

If she is separated, then she is using you as bait to get him jealous, and to get his intentions back.
 Boots168
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 331
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:27:05 AM
For me separated = (still) attached

And no I won't date someone who is still attached, or recently divorced; I don't want to be the rebound girl, nor am I interested in going through all the potential drama and be there for him in the healing process.
 _allen_
Joined: 6/14/2009
Msg: 333
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 2/6/2012 2:01:46 PM
Absolutely not.

Rule #1. Keep drama as far as possible.

Separated, Divorced, and Mothers all fall into my Dating Rule #1.
 mike22075
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 337
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/31/2012 1:18:53 PM
I am separated, have been a couple years, have my own house, she has hers . We talk sometimes but we did make an agreement of divorce time. A agreement is that. My last girl friend new about the terms of it was ok at first then decided that it was unacceptable later. I was single for most of my separation this far. I had to honor my agreement which lost a good girl. Too bad! instead of waiting. A couple months until the agreement expired she flipped out .
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 338
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/31/2012 1:51:39 PM
Separated living apart getting divorce..Yes no problem to me..The marriage ended way before I came along. No I know most dont go back when a divorce is invetable.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 340
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 3/31/2012 3:32:08 PM

No I know most dont go back when a divorce is invetable.

It isn't just about going back. Even if it's in cruise-control, most couples still have sh!t going on, with kids, etc. For flings or casual dating w/ no expectations? Fine. To develop strong feelings and a road with a relationship possibility, etc? No, don't do it. Statistically, it's a hazard a large majority of the time.

And that's not even counting that you don't know them beforehand -- you're probably not going to get accurate stories/explanations about what's going on. Additionally, that separated-but-hasnt-filed person can easily not know the ins-and-outs on how they will feel in the near or mid-range future about that person. Not necessarily to go back to them, but for hooking up once in a while, fighting, or any other sources of drama even never going back in the end.

Never assume they're the statistical "exception".
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 343
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 6/5/2012 10:40:10 PM
I dated when I separated from my ex-wife and continued when I divorced.

I know there are some who do not feel comfortable dating someone who is not yet divorced, but I had no problem getting dates and I dated plenty who had not had their divorce papers yet.

When a marriage fails people are free to do as they wish in my view provided any children from that union have first consideration. I only ever considered introducing two ladies to my sons, only actually introduced one and she is the lady I'm with now.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 346
Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 6/6/2012 2:26:46 AM
I'm separated and yeah, I'm a bit of a mess. That can't really be helped though can it? So "separated" people identify themselves and some of you folks are scared off by this? Has it ever occurred to you that the people you are really worried about are the ones who are separated but chose to simply put "single" on their profiles? I'm always astounded to come across threads like this full of people who swear that they can't find an honest person to date and then proceed to disregard those very people for daring to actually be honest? You folks are silly.

Since when are singles exempt from having baggage? You have got to be kidding me! From my perspective, a messed up person who was recently separated is still a better bet for a lasting relationship than many singles who have never been married. More to the point, any idiotic judgements of this nature are counter productive to happiness.

Personally, I'll still take women out on coffee dates. If she can't shut up about her ex, there won't be a second date and I couldn't care less what she put on her profile. Most of you are full of it anyway and change the details on your profile(s) weekly. I choose to value what a person does or says and try not to dwell too much on what they say in their profiles.

I'll tell you this much, if you wanted to get yourself a man, showing kindness to a guy who was recently separated is probably one of the best strategies you could ever hope for. Another bonus is that this guy hasn't had much of a chance to develop his "playa thang" yet. He's raw and fresh and likely didn't expect to be back into the dating scene. He's also going to be more in touch with his emotional state than just about every other man alive. Give him a few months and his thick skin will start to grow back again.

The touchy part is knowing who you are dealing with. If the guy is separated because his "crazy wife has a problem with him sleeping with her sisters", then he's obviously not such a good catch. It shouldn't take a stupid person more than ten seconds to figure out who wronged who just by talking to the person about it.

Every person has baggage and drama in their lives. Believe me, I've spent much of my life trying to reduce the amount of drama around me and it is a never ending process...it finds you no matter what. Fleeing from people who are courageous enough to be honest about theirs is just ridiculous. I'm of the opinion that people who say things like "NO DRAMA" on their profiles are likely the most dramatic ones of all.
 _ApprenticeSoulMate
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 349
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Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is seperated
Posted: 6/6/2012 4:14:40 AM
Separated is another way of saying...still married. So the question is really, "Do you feel comfortable dating someone who is married?"
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