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 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 65
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into YouPage 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

So in other words it was like a laundry list..or ta-do list..not really into a relationship. Maybe he feels a need to feel needed after his break-up..but just can't/doesn't know how to emotionally invest in a relationship so soon afterwards. You didn't feel emotionally let down when he wasn't showing any affection..and determining this as a red flag..before you had sex?


The other aspects of a relationship were there, just not the passion/physical affection. I felt VERY emotionally let down; I initiated sex because I felt so let down...I thought if I could get him used to touching, convey the idea that *I* was serious about a real relationship, it would lead to him opening up a little. Didn't work; just added emotionless sex to the mix.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 67
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/10/2007 11:57:14 AM
redarcangel, as usual you don't undertand what i was saying. guess you are just not that "into me". that's okay. as i said, take what you want and leave the rest. i've shared what works for me. when you get into a long term relationship, we all look forward to seeing what worked for you. best wishes on your journey!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 72
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 12:16:07 AM
well, if you are into reading books about "interpretting" members of the opposite sex, instead of the more obvious observations of the "he's just not into you" book--investigate authors barbara and allan pease. two of their paperbacks that i have read are: 1) why men don't have a clue and women always need more shoes, and 2) why men don't listen and women can't read maps.

the contents are way more "neurological" and "genetic" than the titles would imply. but they do have a sense of humor about it all. out of all the books, short of the one or two good pages on sexuality in the mars and venus in the bedroom book (no doubt written by the author's ex wife!) --their books have been the most informative for me. the authors serve as consultants on gender issues and body language, not only for us "single" folk, but also for business and government.

if you have read the books or look into them, i'd be interested in what you think and whether you can then figure out who's into you, who's not and if you are both into each other, then what?!* it's amazing how we take for granted that others see what we see, let alone that men and women see things the same or if not, it's some kind of consipiracy or one is wrong and one is right. i suppose at times it can be compared to someone arguing with another who speaks a totally different language, yet here we are, speaking the same language and assuming we "mean" the same thing--when, in fact, we often don't. or how about the age old argument whether it is hot or it is cold, when in fact--one person is hot and one is cold. grrrrr.. wish i had read these books when i was younger!
 MacKevinized
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 74
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 4:59:19 AM
When he looks bored he's not interested.
When you try to impress him with your intellect, and he still looks bored he's not interested.
When you gather in groups to discuss why he's not into you , he's not interested.

When you look for signs he's not into you you'll find plenty because he's not into you.

As far as suggested reading, I recommend Psycho Cybernetics. It explains how you form habits and haw to change them.

Then, I recommend you change your habits of looking for men that aren't into you.
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 75
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 6:54:16 AM

Then, I recommend you change your habits of looking for men that aren't into you.


So how do we find ones that are? The last one pursued me and convinced me that it was worth doing a long distance relationship; I got to like him. Then he did all of your "he's not into you" things until I said "enough already" and walked away.

Of course, the one before that was into me so much I almost needed a restraining order after one date. How come the ones I WANT aren't into me and the ones I DON'T WANT are?
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 78
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 9:23:32 AM

And now the next gal in his life is trying to figure out why he just doesn't seem "into" her...


Nah. He's "into" ALL women. He called me at 2am after our first (and only) date to tell me he loved me and I was The One. Then I found out that he's been in prison several times for various sexual misadventures. It took a lot of screaming "don't ever call me again" to get rid of him. This was on another dating site; I reported him, but apparently a sexual criminal record doesn't disqualify a person if they pay their money.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 79
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 9:40:52 AM
i'll check that book out kev, after the holidays. i agree that you attract what you attract and are also attracted to same. or, you are very naive...which is possible for people who have been married a long time and not dated much. if you learn quick and don't get into severe trouble with wacko's, then you'll do fine. if you keep attracting the same types, i suggest you read the books above. also get to understand the signs of dysfunction, which are way more problematic than his just not being into you. and remember that often it has nothing to do with you, he's either healing or reacting to his life.
 crayonzz
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 81
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 2:57:29 PM
The problem with books like these is that the whole dating, relationship, marriage, divorce, remarriage, issue is that the whole thing is far meatier and more serious than any of the media is facing up to. It’s not a girls group giggle. It’s a serious issue.
The whole scene is absolutely reeking with misinformation, double standards, and disasters waiting to happen.
Typical is the “self help” book, He’s not into you , which I had no problem absolutely ripping to pieces in the following review.
These self help books do far more harm than good. More to the point they are virtually the only large scale source of relationship advice. And they are leading people into relationship disasters. Better advice can be found in university studies and much much better advice can be found in the hands of professional marriage guidance counsellers but the second is only normally consulted AFTER the marriage has run its course. And is on the rocks. Too late then

===============================================
===============================================

OK what about the “busy” excuse, and how a guy who says he’s “busy” is just saying he’s a jerk:

From the book: "Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."
========================
=============================

Greg’s rant from the book

The big question is Is it okay for a guy to forget to call me ? I’m saying to you “No” Barring disaster someone had to be rushed to hospital, he was just fired from his job. Someone just keyed his Ferrari. He should never forget to call you. If I like you I don’t’ forget you. Ever!
=================================
The truth

The big question. Is it okay for a guy to forget to call me? Yes! It’s not OK to forget to call you all the time but it is OK to forget to call you occasionally.

You are not a child who depends on a parent to pick her up from kindergarten at 3.30 sharp. You are a mature woman.

Ferrari. What Ferrari? The American luxury vehicle, these days, is the Winnebago. Not the Ferrari. Get with it.

As for the disaster excuse lets see how well that really stacks up with Greg’s intolerance.
A doctor saves a dozen lives a day and is actually trained to turn off to distractions outside surgery while it’s in progress. Lives depend on it. If he stops to ring you and somebody dies then I would sort of call that a disaster. I sincerely hope your boyfriend is never operating on me if his mind is on your phone all the time.
An ambulance officer is routinely rushing people to hospital. Did you expect this guy to call you on his mobile, while hurtling through Brooklyn at 100mph with all sirens screaming. Even a simple foundry engineer has to concentrate on nothing but that blast furnace to prevent explosions or meltdown resulting in loss of life.
Men face life and death situations on a daily basis both as professionals and amateurs. Once again I have personal experience. I had informed my girlfriend that I would call her at a pre set time to confirm a date. This was before everyone had a mobile. I got stuck in traffic behind a major accident and the police were miserably late so, with the car going nowhere, I wandered up to the crash and held a bleeding artery closed till the ambulance turned up. Turned up at the girlfriend place late, no phone call, and covered in blood. Instead of the usual female tantrum she shoved me into the shower grabbed my car keys and ironed the spare set of clothes I always carry in my car. We still made it to the show on time and I may well have saved a life.

If you really want to know what its like for somebody to forget to call you then call your grandmother. Ask her how many times your mum forgot to call her because she was absolutely flat out taking care of you and your siblings.
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 82
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 4:28:53 PM

Turned up at the girlfriend place late, no phone call, and covered in blood. Instead of the usual female tantrum she shoved me into the shower grabbed my car keys and ironed the spare set of clothes I always carry in my car. We still made it to the show on time and I may well have saved a life.


Now THAT'S a good excuse. Last time a guy 'forgot' he promised to call me to tell me what we were doing for the weekend, he was "too busy" doing his laundry.
 MacKevinized
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 84
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 5:31:57 PM

These self help books do far more harm than good. More to the point they are virtually the only large scale source of relationship advice. And they are leading people into relationship disasters. Better advice can be found in university studies and much much better advice can be found in the hands of professional marriage guidance counsellers


I got to this part and thought "What books did the marriage councilors read and how is a layperson going to get the time to research and sort through so many university studies to feel save on a date?

Then I stopped reading the rest of the trashing of relationship self help books in general.



So how do we find ones that are? The last one pursued me and convinced me that it was worth doing a long distance relationship; I got to like him. Then he did all of your "he's not into you" things until I said "enough already" and walked away.

Of course, the one before that was into me so much I almost needed a restraining order after one date. How come the ones I WANT aren't into me and the ones I DON'T WANT are?


I recommend that you actually look. The whole paradigm of men chasing women to convince them of worthiness is absurd. Waiting for prince charming will bring you a lot of prince charming wannabees.


Then I found out that he's been in prison several times for various sexual misadventures. It took a lot of screaming "don't ever call me again" to get rid of him.


You see if he was really a sex offender, no screaming would be necessary just one phone call to the police would land him back in jail and if some site bans him with out proof of his sexual offender status they could get screwed for discrimination and liable.
If they have proof he's a sex offender they're being complicit in his stalking his victims if they let him stay.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 85
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 7:28:42 PM
brandie!!!! you are still there--but w/o the pics? or did you send me them privately? i suppose too many wackos lately to put up the pics! well, i will write you.

i can only speak for myself. when i was not seeing someone regularly and for such a long period of time, i got lonely and i got needy and i met wackos. then in between, i'd go celibate for a while, then get lonely and needy amd meet more wackos. of course it took a good two years to recuperate from the ex. he was just vacuous when i decided i had enough. it was like getting to breathe air for the first time all over again.

there is a balance, there has to be energy to "find" the right person or at least a commitment--they do not drop out of the air. it all has to fit with the rest of you. but who is that? that is the essence, to continually explore and expand upon who you are.

before my disability, i drowned myself in work and i loved it and i was good at it. then in between, i'd wonder why i didn't meet the right man. why weren't they into me, besides the fame and glory and excitement? there is a very delicate balance to find a good partner to journey with. it takes a lot of what i call "prayer and meditation" and introspection. it is an evolving process. i'm not talking about the "Yakky, i'm so great and know better than anyone else "kind of introspection. it's a very personal experience and suddenly the fear is gone and you start to flourish and yes, it comes and it goes. but once you know what it is, you know you can find it again.

once you find it, you won't even get to the point of this book. you will not tolerate sex offenders, but you will know that most of them were abused themselves and it will make you sad. you will have compassion for others, but more for yourself. you will either find someone in that similar state, or more likely you will find some guy who "forgets" to call or like i used to be, certainly does not want to call while working--but he will come home and he will miss you and he will call. you will stop counting....you will stop wasting time on the OTHERS. wasn't there some science fiction movie about the "others"?

if you get stuck in the bad energy, you will turn away the ones who have the potential and only attract the ones who you describe. when i say "you", i 'm not talking to anyone in particular and include myself. i just know it works and it took me a lot of time and work as well--for want of a better word, spiritual work. not in the traditional sense.

also, when you calm down and are not so needy, you are also not so sexually needy so you will also not be looking for the "bad boys". the books i mention talk about women just prior to menapause who suddenly go berserk. boy i remember that feeling. still some left, but thank G-d it's channeled to the right man. well, there is a biological last attempt to get you pregnant that is built into mother nature. sure, you use the pill and make sure you don't, but the urges come from that. they lead to unwise choices, pure and simple. i say the same for us, as i told my teenage son--go jogging, dance, breathe deeply......stop worrying about why some jerk isn't into you and go find a quality man (or woman). he might even be right under your nose--albeit that would make him shorter than you--but that's ok. the good parts are always hidden!!!
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 87
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/14/2007 8:52:24 PM
I had a similar experience with one too young for me. Keeps me from looking at the very young ladies nowadays.... get their sugar daddy elsewhere! .... as for the OP....
he's not into you if he doesn't come back for seconds!... wham, bam, thank you mam!
 crayonzz
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 89
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/15/2007 6:38:40 AM
Why wasn't she working?
Hell..the temp services here will hire anybody w/ warm skin and a pulse...
And the pulse doesn't have to be too strong..
===========================
Don't you believe it cocytus

Theyr'e pitching you a line the same as you pitch lines at the chicky babes.

My present employment agent moans and groans about lack of forklift drivers. But , in the last month has only been able to find me one day's fork driving work.

Doesn't cost them any money to moan and groan.
 countrygalatheart
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 91
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/15/2007 8:42:11 PM
PEOPLE....PEOPLE.....PEOPLE

It' ALL about "Honesty". Let's really be "Honest" now! Sometimes we are in denial....maybe we know damn well he's not into us, but....that would be accepting rejection and that would really hurt! So...we continue to place blame on the other person for "not calling, bla, bla, bla...but really...he was really telling us "that he just wasn't that into us", but.....we weren't listenting and letting go! For instance....I met a real nice fella...I I initiated the first contact. He called a couple of times, called me "luv" and said he was very interested in me! Great! He lived about 11/2 hrs away. A couple weeks went by, no call from him, so I thought I'd call him. He was really happy to hear from me and again we met, went for nice drive, had great dinner and had a great kiss good night! I point blank asked him if he was interested in a relationship. He said yes, he was very interested in me from the very start. Well....needless to say....again I didn't hear from him for a week, so again I thought I would call. (I don't normally do the calling, but he assured me that he liked it if I called). Again.. he seemed happy to hear from me, but I haven't talked to him since. Too bad because we did have so much in common. But......I was not going to call him again. I was not going to set myself up for high hopes of something great happening and then end up being rejected and disappointed. I still think of him and what we could have had, but I have to be honest.....he just wasn't that into me, otherwise he would have been phoning me! Buffy
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 92
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/16/2007 5:32:42 AM

I still think of him and what we could have had, but I have to be honest.....he just wasn't that into me, otherwise he would have been phoning me!


Sounds more like HE wasn't being honest. You accepted what he said, but his actions didn't match. I've been through that, too, and it's very confusing. They are saying one thing, but doing quite a different thing. Why do they keep giving out little bits of encouragement...say they love your calls and emails, say they look forward to seeing you, but only call/see you once every week or two (or three)? Are they happy with that or don't they have the balls to end it?
 countrygalatheart
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 94
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/16/2007 8:54:49 AM
Desi....You're right.......HE wasn't being honest. I guess I didn't continue to explain the "HONESTY" thing. But....what I mean, is why can't we ALL be HONEST?? Why do we have to try to be the nice guy "cause I don't want to hurt her/his feelings"? Why can't we just say it the way it is and then everyone knows where they stand! And of course....we have to be HONEST with ourselves. When I am doing all the phone calling (or most of it) then I have to be HONEST with myself and admit that "hey, maybe this guy is just trying to be gentle/nice with me but he's really not that interested otherwise he would be phoning me! I finally got it and now I'm back to being shy about contacting a guy first. I guess it blew my confidence abit. Oh well....his loss! Hee Hee!
Buffy
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 97
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/16/2007 3:26:50 PM

Desi....You're right.......HE wasn't being honest. I guess I didn't continue to explain the "HONESTY" thing. But....what I mean, is why can't we ALL be HONEST?? Why do we have to try to be the nice guy "cause I don't want to hurt her/his feelings"? Why can't we just say it the way it is and then everyone knows where they stand! And of course....we have to be HONEST with ourselves. When I am doing all the phone calling (or most of it) then I have to be HONEST with myself and admit that "hey, maybe this guy is just trying to be gentle/nice with me but he's really not that interested otherwise he would be phoning me! I finally got it and now I'm back to being shy about contacting a guy first. I guess it blew my confidence abit. Oh well....his loss! Hee Hee


Buffy; did you actually end it, or are you just waiting to see if he ever calls again? Some of these relationships could die of neglect.
 countrygalatheart
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 98
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/16/2007 4:56:34 PM
Desi....I just never called him again! So I would think that it is pretty well over....since I haven't talked to him for about 5 months now. I would think that if he was in the least bit interested he would give me a quick call just to say "Hi"!

Buffy
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 109
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/20/2007 5:15:35 AM

Why ask Why?

He's not going to magically change -- so get rid of him if YOU'RE not happy.


I do tend to fret over the "why". I want to know if it was something I did, or was he just playing me, or did he like me but have some fear of intimacy, or what. I need to know if I'm THAT far off in reading men and their intentions. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over.
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 111
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/20/2007 8:51:20 PM
Wow!
That's scary that some of these guys have a 'formula' that works so well that it can sucker people in like that 4 women???? Yikes!

Sometimes I discover that I am just too naive for words on occasion, while in the midst of thinking I'm a sharp, savvy cookie....sigh

In my next incarnation I'm coming back as a liar and a user, instead of busting my b^tt being upfront and honest, thinking that's the 'right' thing to be.

It's a dog eat dog world out here.
 countrygalatheart
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 112
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/20/2007 9:13:10 PM
Daisy....tks and good advice. I am learning from all these posts that some men really are players and of course some are just plain too old, too homely, too damned nice.....but who wants one like that???? Hell no....I always fall for the tall, handsome, sweet/smooth talker! Oh well...back to 'cause I know one day, some day, I'm gonna meet my handsome cowboy and were gonna ride off in the sunset together! Hey I can dream can't I?????
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 116
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Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/22/2007 8:52:57 AM
Phoebe darlin? I wouldn't let the fact that a fellow was "separated" interfere with your dating him. Sometimes there are unseen reasons for that you know?
I find a lot of men here are just trying to add notches to their bedpost, thus, they are not really into "me". Easy to figure that out now isn't it?
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 124
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/23/2007 1:00:22 PM

I said to a guy that I wasn't seeing I saw that he sent his Be Mine flowers. That said, that he was into others...duh...


Frozen; I understand. Same thing happened to me....3 months, and *I* never got one of his 'be mine' flowers. Now, a couple months later, one of his is gone. I guess he just wasn't that into me, and I guess he found someone he IS into. Who knows.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 132
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:35:47 PM
...Signs that "He's Just Not That Into You"....you read about his upcoming nuptials.


...maeflowers
 FrndlyStrgr
Joined: 12/6/2007
Msg: 133
Sign’s He’s Just Not That Into You
Posted: 12/27/2007 7:39:51 AM
Naw, cdn guy, I think she's just playing hard-to-get, eh?
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