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 Karl the Hermit
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 2
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Is it ok to ask for change?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
LOL! I thought this thread had something to do with money!

Man I feel so stupid...

OP, this is why you should never jump into anything like moving in with one another or getting married right away. As a rule, I would never do anything like that until I've dated someone for at least a year. It's good to see how someone acts in all seasons, so to speak.

If you really can't stand the accumulated things about them you're finding out, you should first talk to them about it, but then you should be prepared to break it off, because it may just come to that.
 Vancer
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 4
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 1:02:36 AM
This is why we really all need to be our true selves when dating people.
Get it out in the open as to how we really are.
If we hide all this little things until the relationship has gotten serious, it's as though we are trying to bait someone into being with us.
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 16
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 6:34:53 AM
I also though this thread was about asking a waitress back for change.

But no we are who we are, what's really important in a relationship is accepting the other person for who they are. My ex-wife snored like a horse when we first started living together, used to drive me nutty as a fruitcake at first. later when i moved out i found it hard to sleep without hearing that snoring sound. Had to actually go get a cd of a woman snoring before i finally got a good nights sleep.

Anything can get on our nerves if we let them. I am sure there are things about you that annoys her. It's all about what's important to both of you. Why let small things annoying you cloud the really big picture.
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 18
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 7:01:04 AM
The only person you can change is yourself.

Is it okay to request changes in a person? If the change is a little annoying habit then by all means let her know, but if it's a personality overhaul, no way. You are saying she's habitually negative, that is a personality trait, not a small change.

I'd say chalk it up to experience and move on. Stop wasting her time and yours.
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 22
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 8:22:32 AM
Would depend what her problems surfacing were.......
drugs, I would break up
heavy drinking... breakup
telling lies and keeping secrets that are hurtful... breakup

there would be many more things to consider as something are worth breaking up for and not worth trying to keep a relationship, like with a druggie. No way, no how.

Selfish demands you say? hmmm. I would like to hear what you consider selfish demands.
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 25
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Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 9:20:28 AM
I thought this was about money too, I'll give you 4 quarters for a loonie.
 delight/delirium
Joined: 4/28/2007
Msg: 28
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 10:00:49 AM
Well if you're going to ask someone to change bc some of their behavior is making you unhappy, be prepared for a long litany about you're bad habits. The problem with this line of thinking, is that it seems that you've taken yourself out of the equation and have to realize that she probably has a few complaints of her own.
If you can't live with her bad habits (plural) then maybe she's not the one for you.
Furthermore, if you're noticing more then one, are you sure your not being overly critical? Hey I'm not judging, having been guilty of doing the same myself. Just food for thought
dd
 Pronide
Joined: 4/7/2007
Msg: 30
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 10:17:47 AM
She is who she is...unless its a bad habit that's going to harm her ...to change her to your liking may make her unhappy in the long run,just talk with her about it and see what her reaction is .
This is why people shouldnt live together till they see if each other's little quirk's are tolerable or not,everyone has them so decide if it's something you can live with or not, if you dont think your compatible then I guess its time to end it and move on.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 37
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 5:22:46 PM
Sure, go ahead and ask someone to change . . . but don't expect results. And if you get results, don't expect them to last. If they last, you might be dealing with a suppressed, resentful individual.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 38
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Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 5:31:56 PM
She's willing to bend over backwards to make you happy, yet she has selfish demands. Hmmm... Like, so it's like, ok for her to like, do whatever it like takes to like make YOU like, happy... but god forbid she like, wants some things too.

The relationship doesn't sound right for you. The things you speak of are sorta petty. I mean it's not LIKE she's cheating on you or staying out to late. It just seems LIKE you're looking for reasons to not be with her. GL!
 JDMETRO
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 40
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/11/2007 5:46:47 PM
"Sure, go ahead and ask someone to change . . . but don't expect results. And if you get results, don't expect them to last. If they last, you might be dealing with a suppressed, resentful individual."

To which I agree 100%

'Encouragement' ... No - it is reality.

People do not make changes in themselves easily and if it doesn't come from within and voluntarily - then the so called 'change' is not worth having.

Joe
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 44
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/12/2007 8:14:03 AM
OP, everyone has things they can live with and things they can't...if you definitely can't live with someone who says the word 'like' a lot, then you'd either have to let her know it bothers you (most people don't even know they're doing things like this) or find someone new. Frankly, things like that are *so* minor; leave the seat up, the cap off, and don't ask for directions (that's what GPS is for)...I can live with stuff like that...cheat on me, then we have a deal breaker. But you're young yet; as you get older you'll find out what's really important to you and what isn't.
 dfwdude
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 46
Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/12/2007 11:54:47 AM
It's ok, I think, but there are some constraints.

1) Anything you knew about when entering the relationship is off-limits. E.g. if she has kids and you thought you could deal with sharing her, but now you can't, well tough. You agreed.

2) Skip the picky stuff. Some shrink once said that you should enter a relationship with your eyes wide open, and once you're in, with your eyes half-open. Nitpicking will get old in a hurry.

3) Be prepared for your SO to make similar demands on you. It's only fair.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 48
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Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/13/2007 3:59:02 AM
WHAT ABOUT A COMPROMISE? EVER HEARD OF THAT?
Honestly, anyone would think that it's rude to expect a guy to stop picking his nose in front of you. My male friends would ask me to do that. Why not a woman?
 MB58SC
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 49
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Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 6/13/2007 5:48:17 AM
It's ok to "ask" -- it's not ok to "expect" them to change. If they don't change after the first time you ask, it's time to leave.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 53
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Is it ok to ask for change?
Posted: 2/16/2008 5:14:03 PM
The initial phase of a relationship often has a "rose colored glasses" element to it where we really are not concious of the little things about each other that irritate us. However, that soon passes and how they squeeze the toothpaste of whether toilet seats are up or down can become bothersome irritations.

I like the concept that relationships are negotiations. My sister was telling me just yesterday that her husband learned from her that toilet seats lid down can result in her rushing in and sitting down and ... too late. Or seats up and .. too late .. wet bottom. So, he is good about it and he taught her grandson to be good about it when he lived with them. Did he change ... or adapt?

My own rule for myself is that I get to attempt a negotiation. I realize that my irritations are my problem. My first problem resolution is to ask for help and a willingness to change. If it isn't there, than I need to find a way to adapt myself and not be irritated. If I can't find a way, then it just might be a deal breaker.

I'll set some limits. People have to change for themsleves not others. The like... ah, I mean like.. and like, well, like... person has to want to become a speaker who doesn't say like ad nausium and ask for support in changing. In other words, it has to be something they are motivated to change, not just to please you. I had a friend who didn't want his girlfriend to smoke. She quite for him. When she was angry at him she started smoking again. One day I hope she quits for herself.

Be very careful. Only thing worse than a nagging woman is a nagging man.
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