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 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 11
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I think there is a huge difference between being set in our ways, and being set in the essense of what we are.

That is something that I would like to get more opinions on. Not trying to change to topic. Just think that the definition of set in their ways is very important.

Being a musician, I don't think is being set in your way. To me it is more about the essense of who the person is.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 15
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/26/2007 2:52:55 PM
"As in they're saying aggressive, angry things just to see how much attention it'll bring to them.

There's set in your ways and then there's using that 'set-ness' to dare a woman to approach."

Sounds to me like a perfect example of a way some people (women too) are set in their "game Playing" ways.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 21
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/26/2007 5:25:30 PM
My brother must have learned some good skills from his father, mother and 2 sisters...... he is the middle child, so maybe he learned to compromise, although at times he does seem to be a bit too passive....
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/27/2007 10:00:26 AM
I give people the benefit of assuming that they did what was best for them with the choices that life gave them. Sure we all change and evolve depending on the choices that are attainable. If someone makes us feel like a million dollars, I don't really think that we would care if they have different likes and dislike than we do. Everything is negotiable if we find true love.
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 23
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/27/2007 1:22:42 PM
I've had a situation too where I was dating a man who had never had children or been married. He tended to have a hard time putting his mind around sharing his time or thinking about asking what I would like to do.

Not an unkind person, simply hadn't learned the lessons of flexibility and sacrifice that most parents do. Your kids also teach you to be humble and accepting...things that a life long single person never has had to experience. His whole world revolved around his wants and needs and there wasn't much room for variation. He was also an only child. I couldn't see any future in the relationship...it would have been like teaching another kid how to share.

But maybe someone who had been born into a larger family might not have been as insular.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 24
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/27/2007 7:07:19 PM
I am an ownly child and never had any children.


"Your kids also teach you to be humble and accepting..."

Spend time in the third world, and if you are lucky, you will leaved humbled, and accepting of things you could never imagine before.
 rustytraveler
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 25
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/27/2007 8:59:21 PM
moraima, I am also an 'only' and live in a country which was once 3rd world and I am also a female....which if you haven't figured out by now is 'different' than being male..you have also been married...so don't be so tetchy! You are not he.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 27
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:57:17 AM
"Heaven forbide I did not do as he instructed"

That doesn't sound like someone set in their ways, but rather a person who was a control freak.

I think we all define "set in their ways" differently.

A friend of mine was laughing at herself telling me how anal she was about the kitchen sink. She said she can't stand dirty dishes, or God forbid, vegetable peel to be left in the kitchen sink. Her mate, and the rest of her family often left all kinds of nasty stuff in the sink. She said that she really had to control herself so she didn't rush over and clean up the sink even at other people's homes. She was smart enough and mellow enough to laugh at herself. Set in her way.....no, she just needed to tell her brain to stop being anal.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 28
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 9/28/2008 12:06:52 PM
Do men adapt if they find the right woman. Generally speaking yes. But it is impossible to speak to a specific situation. He may be a closet gay. He may be set in his ways. He may have commitment phobia. Are you going to change him? I would suggest that you check on the cooling of temperatures in hades if your even thinking that question. Men who change do it on their own.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 31
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 9/28/2008 10:33:36 PM
While I do not see the need to "assume" it does remain a possibility. Society is not as open as you seem to argue. And within many communities and families it can still be quite oppressive. I had a student a few years ago whose father beat him up for just broaching the topic. There are many who live very discrete lives. And several gay men have written about their need for discretion in the small towns in which they live. Still it remains only one of many possibilities.
 nikinikaia
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 32
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 9/29/2008 4:48:32 AM
OP, anyone can change IF THEY want to change. But, them wanting to change has to be because it is something THEY really want to do, not because they feel they HAVE to do it in order to keep their mate happy. The latter only breeds resentment over time.

Relationships are hard work - and face it, we are all set in our ways. The trick is whether we find someone who is compatible of our ways and vice versa.

As far as living harmoniously in a relationship with someone - it takes two to tango. If a couple hasn't established a strong foundation based on open communication it's a rocky row to hoe for everyone.

Quit worrying about whether the guy's been married and focus on who he is as a person if you are seriously considering undertaking a serious relationship with him. You can answer your own questions by observation and interaction.
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 38
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 10/1/2008 6:18:59 PM
I doubt that it is harder. It is merely a different set of difficulties. Previously married with young children, you have to accomodate disciplinary issues for the children. So each new relationship will have its unique set of issues. In reality it is impossible to generalize from the universal to the specific. The universal describes a norm and deviation from the norm makes each person unique.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 39
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 10/1/2008 8:22:20 PM
OP- if you are tracking this, try looking up schizoid personality. this has nothing to do with the mentally ill....is not schizophrenia. its really about the loner mentality. I was married to this type of man....distant, detached, etc. long marriage too.

good luck. he wont change but who knows for sure?
 playfulpete
Joined: 2/23/2007
Msg: 42
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:24:22 AM
I am over 45 and never married,also no kids.I am very adaptable to change.I have no baggage.
 TheL0grus
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 43
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 11:46:43 AM
In my experience, the most important thing a man can offer a woman is a template for change. Isn't that a little sad?
 jackiejc
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 44
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 12:02:13 PM
I don't think it has to do with never being married anymore than being married several times ! Even room mates n college or just shared housing have to adjust and some people just can't ,ok won't it is my way or no way ,that is why there are so many people on here lol! Because all are set n their ways !And relationships take work .And I am one that definitely does not want to change someone but we do have to make certain little sacrifices for it to work.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 45
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Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 12:58:07 PM
how about those who've been unmarried for a long time? I suspect the same logic would apply!

I would love to meet someone who has no interest in changing me ... no interest in being changed ... is happy with his life ... wants to share portions of his life with me as I share portions of my life with him ... so we could be individuals but together when we felt like being together ... to do things together we both agree we want to do ... no pressures ... just sharing ...

seems like that would be easy to achieve ...

where's that funny little falling down laughing icon when you need him ?? !!


edit: there's another thread in here (over 45 dating) about living together ... yeah ... about that ... I don't want to live together either ... I'm very "set in my ways" about not living together!
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 46
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 1:09:43 PM
Whenever I see or hear someone use the phrase "set in their ways", I always get the impression that they mean it in a negative manner, as though the other person's "ways" are going to be all bad and they won't be able to clean up their act, so to speak, and life with them will be miserable.
What if "their ways" are good "ways'? What if they are neat, clean, and organized?
What if "their ways" are actually putting the top back on the toothpaste and putting the toilet seat back down?
What if "their ways" are actually putting the dirty laundry in the hamper and washing the dishes after a meal?

Just because someone has lived on their own for a long time doesn't mean they will automatically be a lazy slob or, conversely, anal retentive about every little thing because they have no one else around to tell them what to do.
 Sunshinelady555
Joined: 4/10/2012
Msg: 47
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 6:32:51 PM
If a man never marries by the time he is 50, it unlikely that he
can function in a marriage because he has NO experience and you
cann' t teach a Old man new things. lol
Of course, there are always exceptions, who may be able to adjust.
 Thornz2000
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 48
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/28/2012 8:45:20 PM
I never been married and I am not set in my ways.

I have no issues with meeting someone half way at all, as long as they meet me 1/2 as well.
 RosehipsAlberta
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 49
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/29/2012 6:33:17 AM
Every time we think we have an understanding, a "rule" about human behavior ... the exception crops up:

A very good friend of mine had his FIRST relationship in his mid-50's. He married the lady, and it's been long enough to have PUT the "honeymoon period" behind them ... the marriage is still going well for them.
He grew up in an abusive situation, and it took him some decades to work these issues out in his own head. And he did ... there's not a lot of people out there who can, but he showed great insight, wisdom, and strength. I watched him, for almost 30 years, as he pulled his head "together". Then, one day, he was ready to make a relationship work. And he has done so.
You just never can tell.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 50
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/29/2012 6:37:01 AM
There is a book based on studies, not conjecture, "Why Men Marry The Women They Do" it's filled w/ stats...If I wanted to remarry, I'd go w/ the odds...

If they r not married by a certain age, chances are very, very high that they will never....unless they've lived w/ someone for a long time...there are plenty of folks who "date" but r not really "intimate relationship" material. Why waste ur time, unless u just want a "date"???
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 51
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/29/2012 1:53:05 PM
If they are not married or have never had an LTR of 10 years or more by age 45, chances are very good that they lack the social skills needed to forge those kinds of relationships. There are exceptions but they are rare, not the norm. You will have more success with someone who has a similar view of marriage and LTR's.
 Dogrescueguy
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 52
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/29/2012 3:43:46 PM

My passions include working with agressive breed rescue dogs that can be behaviourally challenged, or have disgusting health problems that need a lot of nursing. This is not something I want to do - it is something I have to do like breathing. I wouldn't be fair of me to ask someone who didn't have this same passion to have to be exposed to me doing it.


I rescue Siberian Huskies, Malamutes and an occasional wolf hybrid. They don't always have good manners when I get them, they look scary to some people and they shed. A lot. If a potential partner is afraid of dogs or getting dog hair on her clothes, it isn't going to work.

Maybe we need a special site for all of us dog rescue types.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 53
Never Married/Set in thier Ways?
Posted: 4/29/2012 4:40:05 PM
My brother married for the first time at age 45, adopted her sons from a previous marriage, and he and his wife had a daughter who is now 9. He had not had a live together type relationship before he married. He seems to be an awesome dad and seems happier married than single.
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