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 Just...Different
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 79
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myselfPage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I rode by the old farm place the other day
It seems so sad in a way
When granny lived there it seemed to have such life
Now the house seems like it wants to cry
Everything looks so tired and listless
Like a perpetual gray with no hope of red
While the effects of age takes its toll
Even the memories of the past seem slightly faded
Or is that age creeping up on me
The blistered hands don't hurt so bad now
Nor does the stench of the mule stable smell so bad
And though Spring is in bloom it seems that somehow the clouds of Winter refused to leave
Maybe it's the corn fields that are no longer there
Maybe the strawberry patch or watermelons that are missing
Could be the grapevines or the apple trees
Maybe it's me missing the fresh honey straight from a honey comb
Maybe it's the honeysuckle smell that isn't there
Or could be the black snake in the rafters of the tobacco barn
And the fear that it would find me in the darkness
As I was housing tobacco to be cured later
My back hurts now but it's not from first primings
Bending over for hours pulling tobacco leaves off of the ground takes its toll
And digging up potatoes from the ground was kinda fun in a way
Especially eating a fresh one taken directly from the soil
The butter and green bean plants no longer growing
So many things that it could be
But something was so different this time
I don't know whether it was the taste of granny's cornbread
Or the smell of fresh baking biscuits in the old wood cook stove
Or maybe it was just that I didn't picture granny at the front door with a smile
As I read the condemned sign that was placed there instead
Or is it age and experience that are condemning my memories
 hummingbirddancing
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 80
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 4/23/2010 10:11:14 AM
Beautiful poem ...my friend! Reminds me of my grannies and my Mas house down South ! Beautiful memories :) I hope life is treating you kind J.D. many hugs to you and little guy! :) xo jules
 Just...Different
Joined: 4/12/2010
Msg: 81
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 4/25/2010 8:39:13 AM
hummingbird ... Thanks for stopping by and reading and for your kind words. I'm glad that you enjoyed my poem :) Things this way are okay, I wish I could say they were great, but life is always happening, both good and bad. I hope that things are going great for you and yours, as well. Hugs to you ... JD


Lately you've been doing a lot of talking
And your message is coming through loud and clear
I guess woman I'm beginning to see
You're just not into me

I guess I could try to complain
But something deep inside tells me it's okay
The person I thought I saw was just a mirage
And I don't think I like the image now in view

I guess what I'm trying to say most of all
It's okay that you don't want me
Because in the end you would have been a stranger
For not even you know yourself

Behind the smile a cold heart resides
A bitterness hidden behind the mask
And woman I much more than see
And it's truly okay that you're not into me

There isn't no need to say good bye
Just let the silence finally fade away
Because woman I do finally see
That me and you weren't meant to be
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 82
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 6/30/2010 4:23:23 PM
Like the comforting arms holding once more a child that was lost
A welcoming sight to see more than a reflection in a mirror
To see the face once more of a person familiar and real
The prodigal self returning to the soul once more
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 83
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/1/2010 6:04:55 AM
When I see her I already know that she wants something
And so to will come her smiles and the often contradictory stories
The new drama
The old drama
The excuses and reasons why her life is so bad
And after what seems like an hour or so of continuously talking about nothing
She finally says what it is that she wants


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It still hurts and stings a little when I see no Emails from her
I guess that is the nature of caring and the hurting of pride
The silence is so disturbing
As is the wanting to know that she is at least okay


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I guess it's true that I love women
I always have and always will
Guess it started when I was about four
And I was the only boy surrounded by five girls that had no brother
Marlene was my favorite as she became my fiancee
I still smile from that memory as I can remember the time so vividly
She was slightly older at about five, maybe six when we got engaged
But I remember chasing lightning bugs and putting them in a jar
And watching them sparkle in the night as the grownups talked close-by
There were hardly any cars to disturb the night back then
I remember it was so quiet
So calm
So peaceful
The chirping of the crickets was like a mother's voice
Singing sweet lullabies to a sleepy child
And in my soul I wish I could live that moment of innocence and unknowing once more


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 84
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/1/2010 12:12:27 PM
Reality strikes hard at times
With wishes to escape upon a moment of time
When bewilderment was left behind but experiences in life were at minimum
Not so much that the spirit was corrupted
Being a dad taking a backseat as the kid plays with the neighbor
And yearning to displace the responsibility placed upon the shoulders of being mature
Still I laugh today as most always
But wanting to laugh once more in youthful tones
During a moment of time just for me
Recollections of a time of freer spirit
I place the DVD into the player and mash the play button
Sit back and watch Beavis and Butthead and live in a time warp
Laughing until lightheaded and lighthearted both
The turning of the door handle and once again it's time to be a responsible parent
But the the weight is somewhat lessened
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 85
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/2/2010 6:40:16 AM
I saw her the other day
We shared a smile and went on our separate ways
We were best friends for many years
And spent so much time together
I felt a little sadness I suppose
As quite a few times we shared deep intimate kisses
And now we didn't even share a word

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right now I am watching him sleep
And I see myself in him so much
In his facial features
He has my sense of humor and heart
And I'm not sure whether either is good or not ... LOL
Seriously though, he is such a sweetheart of a kid
Always giving and sharing and wanting to help others
And there is such a pride in my heart and soul for him
And there is such a deep, deep, deep sadness that I feel for him
Honestly I am a great dad and do all that I can to give him what he needs
But at times he needs a feminine presence that I can't give
It's such a tragedy that he is so wonderful
With a mom that is emotionally not there
She actually paid me the highest compliment
Said that she doesn't have to ever worry about him as she knows I'll take care of him
And give him what he needs in life
I meant it with all my heart when I told her when she was pregnant
You get him in the world and I'll take care of the rest
I loved that boy even before he was born
And I knew with all of my heart and without any doubt
I knew he was going to be a boy since the day she found out she was pregnant
And I did what I said I would
She brought him into the world and I did the rest
Gave him bottles, changed him, bathed him, got up and drove him around in the early morning hours when he couldn't sleep
I went for months on end with very little and sometimes no sleep
And no I don't want some kind of award for doing what a parent is supposed to do anyways
I have the greatest gift of all
I have my son
And I get to hear him say
I love you daaaa deeeee
He is so great and amazing and wonderful
Does well in school and is liked and respected by students and faculty
And is known and called by his name
Of course he is eight years old and four foot eight inches tall so he's kinda hard to miss
And if you didn't notice his height
You would easily notice that big smile on his face
He's waking up so I'll go and fix him something to eat
Does any other kid ever want tomato soup for breakfast ... LOL
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 86
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/3/2010 4:59:55 AM
If poetry was art I wonder what similar painter I'd be
The reason I ask it's an unanswerable question
For neither such an artist has ever existed
Nor am I a poet except in my wishes

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The loss of her innocence and she became his wife
Her first and only child by him before ended his life
Dead in the ground his time on Earth gone
Within two months she runs to another because she's all alone

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look back with sadness as I remember the looks on their faces
Back then I was clueless as to why they looked that way
And now as I reminisce and as a parent myself
Such sadness fills my heart as I can feel so deeply their pain

As other kids got brand new clothing and toys
Games that were fun and things that were packaged brand new
All they could give were toys and clothing that were used
And now I feel such guilt and pain for having had the nerve to complain
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 87
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/3/2010 9:16:38 AM
Megan told me that you've been dropping by and reading my thread
So Susan please do believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you
I didn't realize that when we were talking that you were saying all of those great things about me
And I am really and sincerely so honored
And so very humbled now knowing that you feel that way about me
And please do believe me I want to be friends with you if you can handle that
And though I can't make any promises to you about the way that I may feel
The truth is that a person never knows what tomorrow may bring
And I do care about you
Just not in the way that you care about me
And please do trust me that I honestly know how you feel inside
As I've been there before
And I know the feelings that you are feeling very well
And it hurts
It does hurt ... a lot
To love someone in a special way and for them to not love you back the same
And I am really so sorry that you are hurting inside
I truly am
And if I could take away your pain ... I would
But I could not and would not ever lie about what I feel inside when it comes to love
You are beautiful and smart
Funny, kind, and caring
And have so much to offer to someone
The truth is that you have many things that I look for in someone that I would consider h aving a relationship with
And that is no lie
And I guess you are probably thinking "if I do, then why not me"
See I told you I've been there before ... LOL LOL
My dear friend, I have been there so many times .... (half smiles from those memories)
And it is hard not to take it personally
But in this case, it is really and truly true
There is nothing wrong with you
Nothing at all
It is me and only me
And maybe even the truth is that you are too good for me
For all that I will ever be is who I am
So hold your head up high and smile
Don't let me bring you down
Show your beauty for what it is
And shine brightly as you do
Know that I see the beauty inside of you
And never, ever think that you just are not good enough for me
Because that is not the case at all
And by the way I know that you write poetry too (you can thank the Megster for that ... LOL LOL) so feel free to drop by and post something if you wanna ...
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 88
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/3/2010 6:46:28 PM
I am so humbled and touched
What a nice surprise in the mail box
It's been so long since a woman has given me a card
Four or five years ... something like that
And I kinda dig it when a woman does that
And I love Aqua Di Gio Pour Homme cologne
It's one of my favorites
Thanks so much for them both (((HUGS)))
I am truly honored and appreciative
I guess you must have found out that I love wearing cologne and receiving cards
I think I smell a Meg behind this ... LOL LOL LOL
I'll be glad to talk to you again
And will call you in a little while
And truly thanks a lot Sue for the poem that you wrote
It really meant a lot to me
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 89
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/4/2010 9:57:56 AM
I have to ask you
I have to know
Can I trust you with my heart
And with the heart of my son
Can you treat us both with respect
Can you say thank you for the things that we do
If he made you a card using crayons and ink would it mean a thing to you
If he took his allowance and bought you a gift would it touch your heart at all
If he sang you a song would you love it regardless of how good he sang
If he said I love you would you say I love you too
Think long and hard before you answer these things that I ask
And answer with both your heart and mind
Know the person that you are and take that into judgment
Because I don't want my son hurt anymore
And if you can, then maybe we will see about the other
But if you can't sorry we'll never be more than friends
Because he is deserving of having someone special to love him for him too
And no longer will anyone treat me less than I deserve
I don't care how much I love someone I will not be abused
Take me for granted and not appreciate me and I'll simply say good bye
For I know I am too good of a person to be treated like crap
Can you love me for the things that I do
For being there and taking the time to care
I'll never say a bad word to you if you can do the same
But I am not defenseless or afraid to say what I think
But I prefer not to argue at all
Are you touched by the little things like a card, poem, or flower
Or someone singing to you or writing you a song
I would give you my coat in the middle of winter
Place my hand in front of your face to block out the sun
Carry you on my back if your feet are tired
And stay awake all night holding you if you need to cry
I'll make you breakfast as you are in bed sleeping
And clean up the house if you are tired
I'll give you all my heart and be totally loyal
If you can prove that you really care and can do the same
You can trust me with your secrets and I won't tell a soul
You can tell me your dreams and I'll help to make them happen
I can be your best friend and you can trust me with your heart
And I will hold your hand on the deathbed as one of us passes away
These are the things that make me who I am
There are still so many more great things about me but you get the gist of who I am
Think about the one that you want in life
Because I am so tired of disappointment and me and my son getting hurt
And if I am not the one or you can't love my son
There is no need to talk about being more than friends
And there is no need for anyone to risk getting hurt
And I don't date just to have someone in my life
Think about it deeply and we'll talk about it later
But I promise you that if you can't then we'd both be wasting our time
Despite my genuine kindness I have learned the harsh realities in life
And I love my son and my self enough to turn and walk away
And only the truth about this now can prevent future pain
And I honestly don't want anyone to ever get hurt
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 90
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/6/2010 7:36:52 AM
"Technology and the Men of Yesteryear"

There it appeared
So rural and simple looking
Exactly what someone might would expect it to appear
Kinda eerie and listless
Not quite lifeless
But no vibrancy or excitement
Perhaps even mundane in a way
A simple house that I never realized looked so small
Until I viewed it using a satellite map
And it was kinda cool in a way
To view the place that I grew up standing on the road in front of the house
And being able to do a 360 degree view
It looked so country in a way
The image had to be over a year old as long gone is one of the cars in the driveway out front of the house

But it had to be a birthday or holiday or something because of the number of cars outside
The pines across the street reminded me of the many times I went exploring
Even the neighbors pond in the woods behind our house could be viewed
The same one that I fished at many times
The same one that me and others walked to the center and decided to see how thick the ice was by chipping through it with a pocket knife
Ignorance of innocence of youth could be blamed for that
But who would I be kidding
We were all insane
You could hear the cracking of the ice as we went running back to shore

But then again playing war shooting BB guns and throwing acorns at each isn't exactly sane
Nor building a bonfire and jumping through it while someone took our picture
And that was even before the New Year's Eve party began
By the next morning my friend was one couch short of what he had before the party began
As the charred remains set in his front yard in a pile of ashes
And in the refrigerator remained a small amount of Southern Comfort in a half gallon bottle
An empty fifth of Fighting C0ck and Jack Daniels
A pint of Crown Royal
And 48 empty beer cans laying around scattered all over the place
Someone brought some moonshine and I remember taking a swig just to see what it tasted like

Guess it never really occurred to me just how adventuresome I am until reminiscing
I actually have a picture of me jumping through the fire
And one in which I am pretty wasted
Of course I have a smile on my face
Which leads to another interesting fact or at least a fact anyways
In pictures I try to look mean as hell
And I have been asked why I do that for because I'm not like that at all to my friends
Everybody that knows me would tell you I love to joke, laugh, and smile
I do it merely for contradiction
And those that know me absolutely gets it

I'm smarter than I let on
Much better looking than I will admit
So humble that I blush at compliments
And I do have a rough around the edges personality that hides a kind and caring person within

I look at the house on the computer screen and realize
That my dad has bought and remortgaged it four times
Medical bills and a family of five supported by one takes its toll
I remember when I was young we had an to use an outhouse
There was no indoor bathroom plumbing
Then I think of my dad and his life
No indoor plumbing at all
Water round from the well to drink and heat on a wood stove to take a pan bath
No telephone
Only an antiquated radio and electricity after he got older
Before that only oil lamps
He watches the religious channel, the weather channel and knows absolutely nothing about the Internet or a computer
And there is a piece of his life online for all to see
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 91
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/6/2010 7:52:33 AM
Technological advances
in the wake of one's death
bring me no comfort...

I remember the first time
I dialed my dad's old 800 number
just to see who got it

I was enraged to discover
a freaking medical doctor
had adopted the number
that preached against their teachings
for hours on end...

Holding that pain inside
for at least 7 years
All at once I was relieved
to hear
my Uncle say
I took that line
it was a good number
it goes to my website...

Just in case you are curious
the number to dial
Is 1-800-999-9345
you see now why it's such a good number
and I dial it
when I'm lonely
a part of me expecting to hear
"David Firebaugh"
but I know he's gone
the only thing left
is this undying spirit
flowing through the DNA
he so dutifully spread... ;)

(through the ovaries of 3 wives...)

-------------------

Another technological mishap
My grandmother on my father's side
documenting our past
and future
actually had the audacity
to write down
every one of Uncle Jerry's 7 wives...
It's like an outline of a paper
showing the confusion and anger
one can feel
after making it far too real
with a Firebaugh... :)
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 92
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/7/2010 6:28:36 PM
It will take a while to get over
The way you said good bye
I wish it was so simple
As turning a page

There's a part of me that loves you so much
And I know that a person can't live in the past
And I try to take a step forward each and every day
But these memories fade so slowly

The loss of a best friend stings deeply
And is the hardest part
As is trust placed upon someone
In which it doesn't mean a thing
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 93
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/7/2010 7:22:55 PM
Oh sweety how it aches
feels as if your going to break
when the sanctuary you've been depending on
crumbles and tumbles to the ground

Being strong
taking in new sights
attempting to feel
something that's right

But it doesn't come
and your nights are long
inside of your mind
she sings her song

you think of the way the sunlight filters through her hair
of the smiles and laughter, how you didn't have a care
the emotional roller coaster you've been riding on
doesn't seem so bad when you put your glasses on
rose colored
full of love
and sickened by
your own lack of trust

You've hurt her badly
and she doesn't care anymore
she probably still loves you
but nothing lies in store
to be shared
what do you care?

you just want to be held
comfortable surroundings
induce latenight calls...
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 94
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/7/2010 9:03:09 PM
game over... new topic
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 95
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/7/2010 9:34:44 PM
new topic: barely and grain
girls with knots in their head
stomp them out with all your might
I wonder if I'll ever be fright
ened
again
by you
and your stupid sin
you wonder why all this shit happens?

Ha, try having a family
who cares more for
good morals and decency
than the Devil at our door

And I was speaking the truth
when I said
no one ever traded their baby
for a hit of weed

death is the wager of sin
sin is the wager of death
I watched several politicians
cry in the name
of stupidity
inside I smiled
knowing that God
had his way...
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 96
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/8/2010 11:46:48 AM
"Stalker"

Ended up parking in a different parking lot and walking home
Had to enter through the back door
Because she rode by the house so much
Knocking on the door at all times of the day and night
The bombardment of Emails
The frequent calls
Even letters in the mailbox and taped to the door
Never was I love you even spoken to her
Just her obsession and infatuation with the fantasies in her mind
Who could ever know such a reaction could result from just saying hello
And talking a few times at the park and on the phone
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 97
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/8/2010 11:50:12 AM
You've got some room to talk
dial me in on Google Earth...
call me from strange numbers
and my boyfriend
allow your woman to do it as well
then laugh at me and call this hell
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 98
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/8/2010 11:53:03 AM
I lied when I said it'd be a smile of grace
for in my heart is a bitter taste
and had you just said what you just said
in these past few poems
long ago I would have realized
without truly knowing
how I let myself
get so wrapped up...
oh, I remember
must have been the love...
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 99
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/9/2010 4:21:48 PM
"Introspective and a New Balance"

I followed my heart and found happiness and pain
I followed my head and became numb
And as I look for a balance of the two
I'm discovering a part of myself that I never knew
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 100
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/10/2010 12:02:21 AM
"Fading Roses"

I read each and every Email before deleting them
Just savoring one last time the love and bond once shared
And yes it did hurt in a way and I can and will not deny that
It brought tears to my eyes
But still that is what I had to do

I read through the IMs reliving that moment of time
And even the old Emails from years gone by
As I cared so much that I saved them to a CD for storage
And I relived that experience with her for the final time
Before I shredded them for the final good bye

I deleted her from my contact list
And emptied my sent Email folder
Made sure nothing was left in as a Draft
And finally I made sure that the Trash folder was empty
As I signed out for the final time never to return

It hurts to say farewell as these tears in my eyes can attest
But then I think of the lies that she told
And how she unmercifully pushed me out of her life using silence
And I hold my head high though a tear runs down my face

As I can visualize the fading roses
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 101
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/10/2010 2:33:56 PM
You give people what they want
when they need it
because someday
you may have a strange request
that normally another person would not fulfill

But sometimes it is more important
to know another brother is satisfied
rather than being so judgmental
just give them what they need to survive...

some smoke
others brush
I do it all baby :)
hasta luego
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 102
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/11/2010 12:28:32 PM
Just ****ing with your mind
hope you have the time
to forgive me some day
for all the lies I did say
it was all fun and games :)
 _JustDifferent
Joined: 6/27/2010
Msg: 103
Country roads and a full tank of gas..... finding myself
Posted: 7/12/2010 6:26:52 AM
"God and the Mormons"

We came back from the grocery store to unload the groceries
And then to go pick up my sister
And there they were in the parking lot
Two of them going door to door
Preaching their beliefs to others
And it was so hot outside that you could smell the pavement
But that has nothing to do with anything
Just saying that it was hot
They came over to the car and helped unload the groceries
So I was like cool if you want to help you can
But I did at first say that me and my son would do it
But it was a lot of bags so I welcomed the help
I have the respect to listen to what others say
Whether or not I agree, it doesn't matter
I respect and appreciate the belief they have in their savior
Even if I don't agree
If you don't believe me you can ask the Jehovah witnesses
I even listened to them a time or two
Actually more than that to tell the truth
Really, what do I know about God except for my personal beliefs
And what I learned while going to church
And watching documentaries on Jesus Christ
Who knows for sure except God and Jesus
As far as I know maybe He appears to others in terms and images that only they understand
During their time at the house and as I listened
I realized just how altered my path had become
And that I was becoming a person that I didn't like
And that I needed to get back to where I need to be
I'm not some great, wonderful, magnificent person or Christian
But I did realize that I need to rid the burden that I am carrying within my heart
And release all the emotions that are bottled up
But mostly I need to find the acceptance that things happen for a reason
And that today is but a step in the journey and life
And in time things will be as they will be
As they are and were to be to begin with
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