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 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 98
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?Page 2 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)

Why does it need to be an extreme? Either your kid comes first or you neglect him? The person you're with should be #1 and your kid #2. That's the best way for a relationship to be successful. When both people don't have each other as #1 is when problems will start in the relationship. Remember, your kid will leave you eventually and your husband will theoretically be there for the rest of your life. It's probably not the pc thing to say but this issue is the reason for the next generation becoming a generation of narcissists that think the world revolves around thme.


If you are already a parent before you meet someone, why should that person be #1, the child and parent have a bond at this point, why should the child be put in second because someone new came along? And who is to say that the relationship will last, not to be cynical but it's really hard to stay in a relationship for a long period of time these days, so why should you put that person as #1? And as for the "kid" leaving, yes perhaps the child will move on, but if you are important in his/her life, the "kid" won't just leave and ignore you, he/she will make an effort to remain the contact and the relationship. However if the kid grows up feeling unimportant, then there's more of a chance he/she won't want the parent/child relationship to continue or it would be a very rare occasion that you'll stay in touch with your child.

Of course, as a parent to have a child relationship, and a gf/bf or wife/husband relationship, there needs to be a balance that both parties are happy. but once you put it into priority, then it becomes tricky and seriously shouldn't be needed, both couple should be aware that at certain times the kids may require more attention, and once it's done, they can focus on each other. Things should be done to balance things out.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 105
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/9/2007 11:56:28 AM
yes, going to the extremes is not healthy, there has to be valid reasons to why children comes first, however if you're in a beginning of a relationship, then there sh ould be priorioty set. however as someone says, there should be valid reasons to why you would put them first not because they miss you or you miss them.


<div class="quote">Ppl need to understand what im trying to say here, Im not going to have regrets about missing out on things i wanted to do just because i have kids, my whole life will never revolve around my kids, yes i love them yes they are important to me, but my husbands needs come first without him we would have nothing, he pays all the bills and keeps a roof over our heads, So i dont appreciate the comment about my husband being a bad person, everyone in my family is well taken care of. And he is a wonderful man, girls would be lucky to find someone who takes care of them like he does with me and our children.


it's good to see that your kids see you and your husband loves each other but i'm sure they feel in some way they don't have the attention if your husband is there. that may not be significant to you but it may be for them. all you're teaching them is to be codependent on the partner and not show as much attention to their kids once the partner is home.

So because he works and pays for everything, you have to put him in first when he comes home because of that. that's b.s. for you to say you would have nothing without him, why not be self reliant and realize that youare capable as well to provide for the family. what if something happens to your husband, which I hope won't happen but what if something happens, it would go down to you to provide. And you have a job in a way of watching your children more, and not have much of a break right? so don't count yourself short by saying you won't have nothing when you provide just as well in other ways.

have you ever been a single parent? If not, then you don't understand that by coping to be one parent rather than two you try to make your child happy after adjusting to changes and to new people. So yes it's hard for single parents to not put their kids first.
 harleybabe2003
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 111
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/9/2007 5:51:18 PM
kids will always come first !!!!! Thats the way it should be till they are 18
 ASharpDentOmen
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 116
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/9/2007 10:41:04 PM
I don't rule out single parents, some are reasonable, but it does make me apprehensive when I hear, "My kids always come first." I love kids, but don't want to live in a home that is ruled by them. I've been down that road before...The Brady Bunch it wasn't.
 bertslooking
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 118
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 3:31:28 AM
well if he loves you you all should bea family and you should not be left out i do not think it faire or right i have kids to and been there i did not put her first over my kids but made her part of the family sharing and growing together
 nameismarcus
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 123
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 5:07:01 PM
Someone shouldn't be called selfish if they want to come first in the relationship. That is their right. Why should they agree to be secondary when they can be first with someone without children?
 chrissyfit
Joined: 4/7/2004
Msg: 124
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 5:56:46 PM
...i wouldn't go near a man who had children, who didn't put them first and foremost. the flip side of this is women who actually marry men who have nothing to do with their children, including supporting them financially, and actually enable them by hiding the deadbeat parents' earning/assetts. to me, not putting the children first speaks VOLUMES about a man's true character. seriously, it's his own flesh and blood, and blood is thicker than water. period.
 chrissyfit
Joined: 4/7/2004
Msg: 127
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 7:37:32 PM
...i wouldn't go near a man who had children, who didn't put them first and foremost. the flip side of this is women who actually marry men who have nothing to do with their children, including supporting them financially, and actually enable them by hiding the deadbeat parents' earning/assetts. to me, not putting the children first speaks VOLUMES about a man's true character. seriously, it's his own flesh and blood, and blood is thicker than water. period.
 berrysweetncgurl
Joined: 8/2/2004
Msg: 128
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/10/2007 8:05:01 PM
obviously the OP does not have children herself

Chick I advise if you want to come first in a relationship, DATE A MAN WHO DOESNT HAVE KIDS!!!!!!!! and never have children because Im sorry to say but when the baby comes in the picture he/she will always be first!
 pitapeg
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 131
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/11/2007 8:27:27 AM
everyone is missing the total point yes the child should come first but when you marry someone then that person should be involved in the childs life as well.. and for him to make her sleep on the couch when the kid was around was totally wrong.. did he make the kids mom sleep on the couch when they were together.my kids always come first but when you love someone you have to be able to seperate the two and know when to involve both parties I agree a son and father need alone time sometimes but this is going way too far...and you guys are throwing it all at her like she is a selfish witch who just wants attention that is not the case..give her a break and look at the real issue the man didnt care enough or he would of included here in everything ... hugggs
 chrissyfit
Joined: 4/7/2004
Msg: 133
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:00:16 AM
.. and for him to make her sleep on the couch when the kid was around was totally wrong.. did he make the kids mom sleep on the couch when they were together.

...of course he didn't, because SHE was his bio-mom, and there is a big difference. divorce is tragic enough for the children involved. chances are, the man in question was telling his son that the OP was "daddy's friend", so as not to let the child get attached (and with good reason, as the OP eventually was no longer in the picture). i actually think it's a very respectful strategy to employ for the child's benefit, at the very least until this man finds "the one" that he plans to re-marry. it is also a fairly brilliant "weeding out" strategy to determine to what extent a potential partner will "tolerate" his child coming first and foremost. quite frankly, we should be celebrating this NCP's commitment...if more NCP's followed suit, less taxpayers would be left to pick up the financial slack (note: this is not an attack on gender)
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 136
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:41:09 AM
I don't think some of you have read thruout the thread. the op has decided when the time is right, she'll date someone without kids. Stop bashing, all she asked was opinions. If this is something that you want to talk about with the priority thing, make another thread on it.
 pitapeg
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 137
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:49:50 AM
you didnt read the post she was already married to him and he made her sleep on the couch ????? loser
 pitapeg
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 143
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/13/2007 9:45:57 AM
Bravo Niceguy99 couldnt of said it better .... loser that man is !!!!!!
 ChaoticDreamer
Joined: 8/25/2006
Msg: 152
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/15/2007 1:28:02 AM
Only a selfish person would expect someone to place them first before their own child. I would have little or no respect for a man that would place me before his children.

nuff said !!!!
 nameismarcus
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 160
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/16/2007 9:34:14 PM
No offense to anyone but this is one of the big reasons why most people don't want to date a single parent.
 pitapeg
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 164
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/19/2007 9:48:08 AM
damn you guys got this thing blown out of poportion.... the issue is if he married her he knew the kid would have to be around her..Is the reason he didnt want the kid to know they slept together was so the kid wouldnt run back and tell mommy... because he was having his cake and eating it too... it does not matter whether they have kids or not it is totally a respect issue you should love your kids and spouse equally... in some things yes the kid will come first but as to whether you sleep on the couch when the kid is around that should of never been an issue, he should of told the kid hey I am married now this is my wife and i am sure the kid would of understood... kids are very resilient he might up been upset at first but in time would of gotten over it... he is a very selfish man and she is lucky to be away from him... I have kids and they come first but they also now what an adult relationship is about...he needs to grow up and become a man !!!!
 lisa_k
Joined: 7/7/2007
Msg: 166
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/19/2007 7:55:19 PM
You better never come fist before anyones child...Or you should not want to be with him!!!! Date people w/out kids!
 ayjay
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 178
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/23/2007 12:48:17 PM
Not even the natural mothers of my children come before them,, what's the likelyhood of someone else replacing them.
AJ
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 179
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/23/2007 4:50:06 PM
Whatever I said in my prior post months ago.

If the immediate prior post is accurate, then I agree with it.
 DianaAP
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 189
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/28/2007 6:34:29 AM
When a man and a woman get married, they are always number 1 to each other, but when they have a child together the child then takes first place. So it's only natural that the child always is number 1 in their lives. This remains the same even through divorce and new relationships. Mom and Dad are always 2nd to each other. However the bed thing and sleeping on the couch is extreme. I was a single parent, my children always came first, to put the boyfriend or girlfriend first is the same as putting yourself first. I also dated single men with children in the past and went through the same thing. Sorry I know this is not the answer you are looking for, but this is just the way it is. If you want to come first in a man's life, find a childless man, however when you two have a child you will again come second.
 stevelfun
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 190
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/28/2007 6:50:17 AM
I think in this day and age, there are WAY TOO MANY single parents that live for their children and, consequently, have no room in their lives for anyone, even though they might well try.

People - there are times and places that the children come first, however there can be times and places for the significant other to come first. It is called 'balance'.

One, it is healthy for you. You - the single parent - need time for yourself - whether that be relaxing, reading, goin' to the gym or spending time with a significant other.

Two, it is healthy for the kids in many respects. They hopefully get to see a mutual adult loving relationship in action. Also, they learn that the child wanting something NOW does not necessarily trump all and dominate the parent's life. Again - 'balance'.

I think if you do not attempt to achieve this balance - whether or not you have a relationship - you are doin' yourself and your children harm.
 thatgirl_next_door
Joined: 10/22/2005
Msg: 197
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/4/2007 8:20:04 PM
Did you people actually READ all of her post???? Flame me if you want... but I'm gonna have to say she has a realistic and healthy fear based on her experiences and she might've picked the wrong words to express herself. Feeling like you're playing second to the kids isn't an unusual thing for people with no kids dating single parents. Understanding how parents prioritize isn't easy emotionally - even if you understand it logically. Back off, people... a lot of you are being judgmental, not offering constructive criticism.

I think the biggest challenge single parents face is finding a way to balance their adult needs and lifestyle with being a parent. Clearly the OP's ex didn't even come close. There are healthy boundaries and forcing her to sleep apart when they were MARRIED just because his son was there??? How is that realistic??? I'd say it's far better for him to model a healthy marriage relationship for his son than to freak about seeing them sleeping in the same bed. Skipping out on celebrating important relationship milestones - sorry, not acceptable to me! When I have kids, they're staying at gram's and gramp's when I have important relationship milestones to celebrate. My marriage will be equally as important as my children (or his from a previous marraige!). If I'm not modeling a healthy adult relationship I'm being just as much of an irresponsible mother as I would be if I allowed my kids to eat nothing but junk food, get bad grades, and beat up the other kids.

OP - I'm dating a single dad myself and I know it's not easy. I just today had to deal with a huge change in our plans because of one of his kid's needs. Needless to say I'm frustrated and HUGELY disappointed, but also understand that kids have to come first. That said, I also believe that single parents who are dating need to do so responsibly and make their boundaries clear from the outset. Let's face it, there are plenty of times when kids try to manipulate adults and the adults allow it!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... you just have to know what yours are and state them up front. You're a step ahead of the game in that you recognize your feelings and are exploring how to cope with them - which is more than a lot of people are willing to do. You need to sit down with this new guy and explain your feelings and your boundaries... then find out what his are and take it from there. Communication, flexibility when it comes to his parenting requirements, and maintaining your boundaries are what will determine whether or not you can make a go of it with a single parent. Be honest and up front - it'll get you further.

Your concerns are valid and there are plenty of others out there who have them. You have tried it before and were more than patient. Give the guy a chance... not all single parents are like your ex!!!
 Earthen_Angel
Joined: 8/8/2007
Msg: 199
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/26/2007 2:14:59 PM
another one with too many pages to read..but my answer is alot more simple..

1) a man who can devote himself to a child shows he can devote himself to a family =good.

You ex had no clue seriously. Anyone starting a new family with a step mom should be integrating the step mom. You were smart in getting rid of this one.

The new one. And your problem.


That's why I made this thread, to find a resolution!
I don't want there to always be problems with me dating someone who has a child.. I want this to be resolved.. but I just don't know how to fix the fact that I will never be as important to him as he will to me.. I want US to be there for the child... I want US to love the child together.. I want the child to see US happy.. 20 years from now I want US to be watching him graduate College.. not just Daddy and his girlfriend.. is that understandable??


Its really really simple. Involve yourself with the child if he'll let you and if not find someone who will if you are really that interested in being someones step mommy, find a man that knows how to incorporate you into his life and his role as father. Be pro-active. When the child visits spend time with the kid, when he sees you spending time with the little one he may naturally settle out. Not all men are you weirdo ex-husband.
 purpleculprit58
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 200
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/26/2007 5:47:16 PM
ask yourself this question , how will I ever adjust to these circumstances if I don`t give it a chance? I am one of those Dads with young children at home and even though they have always come first , I know there is plenty of room in my life to have someone other than them on the front row.
Don`t second guess his or her feelings for you or you will go crazy. It`s very normal to have doubt about where you stand in a person`s life when it comes to love. the best thing you can do is communicate with each other.
good luck
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