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 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 421
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?Page 24 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
OP, I always post my answer first then go back & read the thread. First, I didn't realize you are only 20 years old & have only been together for 3 months. You are being bashed unfairly in this thread.
In your defense, your ex used bad judgeent & took his parenting to the extreme. You do not put your child in your bed on a visit & make your wife sleep on the couch.
When I posted I thought you were together a lot longer than 3 months, so I'll modify my answer a bit. Your b/f is still doing things the same way he did before you were in the picture. Now that you are in the pic, have met the child, have gone on outings together, you should be spending the holidays together as a family. You should not be left home by yourself on the holidays, I stand by that.
As I said before, give him his weekend time with his child. They need the alone time & to continue their bond. He is a good parent to see his child faithfully like he does but, he needs to make changes for the holidays. You should be included. Stand your ground on this!
When you do outings with the child, do your part to make sure he/she is comfortable, that you are talking, & not pouting. It's up to you, as the adult, to make the child feel comfortable. In time the child will grow to accept you. I would still be weary of the sleeping arrangements when he visits on the weekends, calmly ask about that, & don't make any accusations. You want to be assured without causing an argument. It could be an innocent arrangement, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I had a neighbor who wanted to date me. He spent every weekend with his child at his ex wifes home. He admitted that they slept in the same bed, but claimed they weren't having sex, yea right. I stayed far away from that situation. I didn't believe that for a second, & there was no way I was going to date a man who was sleeping in the same bed as his ex wife every weekend. I knew he was lying about the sex part, but your ex may not be doing anything unfaithful.
Best thing for you in this situation is to compromise, encourage the weekend visits, but stand your ground that you are included in the holiday visits.
 jjbar0702
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 422
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:23:41 PM
No, you will never come first and children should ALWAYS come first!! We all have UNCONDITIONAL love for our children. If you are normal, then you will understand when you have your own children. If you are a narcissist, then you will always put yourself first and never understand.

Sweet and simple...you need to date men with no children!! Seriously, you may be one of those people who should never have children.
 jjbar0702
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 423
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:34:58 PM
If u are married to him, then I see no reason u can't sleep in the bed with him and the child. He misses his child and needs quality time. He doesn't get to see the child that much. He should also include you in events if u are married.

If I wasn't married, then I wouldn't let the kid see me in bed with a woman...that is being a bad role model.
 forgiven33
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 424
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/16/2012 12:53:16 AM
A child is from my blood. they are a part of who we are. I respect women who put thier child before me . It shows they are a good parent and have values. I had a girlfriend who asked me to choose her or my child .!!!! Needless to say she is my x. sorry but good for him. he is being a father !!!!!!!
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 425
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/16/2012 2:49:14 PM
Yeah u came to the wrong place to say that. I'm not going to jump on u like everybody else u should come first I'm strong beliver of that. I came here while back with same problem and parents on here tear me apart. My problems was that I wasn't dating dad I was dating whole family bc kid was aliways there he would in its me so where and next thing kid is coming with us. I had one date one when kid wasn't there. So yeah they sweet and all bc they r men n they have needs but trust me u be in that back sit sooner that u think. I run away. I will never date anyone with a kid in a picture. My advise don't. Stick to lidless ppl so u can go on vacation weekends ways and have romantic weekends. U alredy know it not working with single dads why would u do it again to urself. I'm selfish like that too so I know what I'm talking about
 zurichdublin188
Joined: 8/14/2012
Msg: 426
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2012 9:46:58 PM
You'd have to be a damn fool to even want to be #1 to someone who has a child.

Good Lord.
 ATHOL072
Joined: 9/20/2012
Msg: 427
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2012 10:53:11 PM
are you for real what a selfish b i t c h you are
 ATHOL072
Joined: 9/20/2012
Msg: 428
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2012 10:53:39 PM
are you for real what a selfish b i t c h you are
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 429
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/18/2012 2:29:53 AM
Wow and u going to call her names good parent example u r. If u can't give women love and care and time she deserve got of dating site and come back when ur kids are all in college as top wasting her time. It not right for her to sit at the back sit. She came here to find someone to love and spend time with and if any of parents can't do that bc of kids then they shouldn't be here
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 430
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/18/2012 2:41:34 AM
That's is horrible to teat someone that way. I all here looking for what exactly? Someone to condo over for Mac n cheese and sponge bob or tip to chuky cheeses. If u can't leave ur kid with grandma aunt or ur friend or sitter and have some time for urself then do date then. My mother would drop me at gramps or Aunt. Why in the hell she shouldn't have bf. omg it did not scared me for liv e none of them killed me either. So I was at gramps so..... It doesn't mean that she didn't love me. But I guys do what suits u but get of here and start complaining if u refuse toskr someone equal partner and don't come back until ur kids move out if ur house
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 433
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/18/2012 6:44:45 PM
Athol

The lady is not a selfish b*****.....she just knows what she wants or is looking for...and or more importantly what she wants to avoid...which for some is a stay at home single parent who lives off society or somone else? Or some guy who she must wait for as he has prior responsibilities and time constraints with.

Nothing wrong with knowing or quickly identifying what is for them an albatross or a life long anvil!

Chelsix......she needs to make no exception.....single parents made their bed in life...and if someone has no interest in getting into financial and emotional baggage....added complications and added responsibilities...then that is their choice and their prerogative.....

Bottom line...your appeal...your suitability has for some been drastically reduced and you have problems accepting the fact that not everyone will see you as a suitable or viable dating life style partner.

People made a choice to have children...it was an individuals choice to have their children and you are arrogant and a fool if you expect others to accept your choices....just because you deem it as important.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 434
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/18/2012 6:57:24 PM
I do think that if a man wants to date a women who has a child (or vica versa) then they make the choice to enter into that relationship and they do need to realize and accept that the children come first. If that is not something a person is willing to do, then they have no business even looking at a single parent, or attempting to date them. How arrogant and selfish of them to expect a single parent to put their child on the back-burner and devote all that extra time and attention to them! Of course this does not mean that you never put your partner first. They need to feel important and special and needed in the relationship as well. Any person would feel dissatisfied in a relationship if they were always made to feel second and always made to feel unimportant in a relationship. It's sometimes hard to find that balance.

I am not an arrogant fool to expect the person who I am dating to accept my children, nor am I an arrogant fool to expect the people I am not dating to accept, and respect, my choices and I expect them to accept them because I made them and I deem them important. Just as they expect me to accept their choices in life. Regardless of what they are. I however, do not have to date someone who's position in life is not desirable to me and neither do they. There is no need to put down or criticize others. It is what it is. A single parent is one persons cup of tea and not another's. Simple.

I never understand this kind of question.. anyone with half a brain knows the expectations.
 ONE777
Joined: 10/14/2012
Msg: 435
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/18/2012 7:47:19 PM
I feel your pain...unfortunately this is very common. I am a single mother and I've dated men who have children, it seems that I am always having to wait and see what "plans" the ex has in case he has to take the kids that weekend or day!! It's frustrating!! As a mother I DO LOVE my kids but if I am out here looking for the love of my life I HAVE to make that effort to make time for that person, this does not mean I love my kids any less!! Of course they are my #1 priority but grow some you whats and tell the ex guess what "Its your weekend!!" Anyway , you aren't alone out here!!! Sometimes I just feel like giving up!! LIKE right now!!!
 luckyly11
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 437
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/19/2012 3:07:22 PM
Sorry to hear that and is understandable, I am a single mom and of course our children come first but that doesn't mean that we have to put our new partner in a second level all the time, everyone deserve his or her place and also your husband should explain to his son that he is married and he also needs to spend time with the new partner and trade time or exchange dates, he doesn't need to cancel a trip with you cause of the child, he can spend time with the child in another day or week. Also if your husband is smart enough and loves you for real, she should spend some weekends together with you and the child and same with holidays, the child has to understand that his father has a new partner, I bet his mother doesn't do the same like his father.
I bet his mother spend more time with his partner than the child. Lets be conscious and serious about this if your husband really commit and loves you the child doesn't have to be a interruption will be instead an integration for both of you. Well that is my point of you from my study in psychology. Good luck my friend with that.
 glennsasurprise
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 438
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/19/2012 7:51:09 PM
you shouldnt come first--but its not uncommon that the kids come last..sad
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 439
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/19/2012 7:59:06 PM
~~
They try and hid the fact they're dating and it sort of blows up in their faces when it all comes to light...usually in the worst ways possible.
~~
I agree with this statement wholly. I have talked to my son about it as well, now he asks me when I'm going to find a nice man and get married. LOL! I go on one date and he grills me like he's my dad. "did he treat you well" "do you like him?" "Was he nice" "where did you go" "What did you do" etc.. lol.. It's cute.. but I don't tell him everything.. he just doesn't need to know it all ya know. lol
 KatarzynaLuiza
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 442
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/21/2012 5:15:48 AM
So please enlighten me why r u all on here then? If u cAnt make a partner an equal the. What r u doing on here. We all come here to find someone if u can give other person that would be possibly interested in u tlc and devote some time to them idk what to say to that. Ur child won't die if they will stay with gradma or ur sis for a day or evening. So u can just two of u spend a day together. No one in righ mind want to come second and if u guys can't make then equal partner u really shouldn't be here.
 Howaboutforever17
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 444
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/25/2012 7:51:03 PM
If I dated a man whose child or children didn't come first, I would have difficulty respecting him. Children are a lifelong commitment. I think your husband was a little over the top in making you sleep on the couch. Children are wonderfully accepting of things, especially when they are very young. He should have explained, in an age appropriate way, the new situation.

A word of advice; do not try to be their mother. They have one. Do not belittle their mother, they will always remember and never forgive. You have the luxury of being on more of a friend level with step children, especially if they do not live with you full time. Good luck
 SingleExec73
Joined: 4/12/2012
Msg: 445
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/25/2012 8:05:05 PM
I'm a single dad. Honestly, I would never date someone like you.
 99HawtMomma99
Joined: 1/7/2011
Msg: 447
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History
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/25/2012 8:56:41 PM
I agree with you.....when parents separate...and in this case re married..the spouse should not be putting her on the outside ..he is not giving her the chance to be in his sons life. No parent should ever put anyone before their children. But you have to teach the children that life goes on and relationships change.....if they were just dating for a few months id say sure wait until your relationship is abit further along before introducing the child...but come on they are married...if I married a man and he excluded ME from being in the relationship..well thats just bullshit. I AM a single mother..my ex has had a couple of girlfriends since the breakup and my child is fine...I monitor their relationship. The kid isnt gonna be traumatized if he sees his married DAD in bed with his wife......stop beating this girl up....lol she is right and wrong....no you will not be first...but you shouldnt be below the dog either...he needs to be more respectful of your feelings also..its hurtful to be set aside.....when he married you he didnt say "Im only your husband when my son isnt around" like come on....he needs to involve his wife...unless SHE is putting herself on the sidelines then its different. She needs to try and involve herslf....but that couch shit is just gross....aint nobody EVER kicking ME out of my bed...wth is up with that? Maybe this DAD needs to open his life up abit..to his WIFE and CHILD..good luck
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 448
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/26/2012 6:29:59 AM
You'll come first when you become important enough in his life to come first. And even then.. if his kids gets sick, you'll likely be put second until they are better.

Why is this hard to get???

If he's not letting you into his life.. he's just not that into you deary.

Sorry.. a spade is usually a spade.
 SFGIANTSFAN_IN_SOCAL
Joined: 5/19/2008
Msg: 450
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/2/2012 7:20:45 AM
My son doesn't have a father because he put a selfish woman ahead of him and turned his back on his child so he could be with his new wife. So, no. If you ever came first you should think LONG AND HARD about how selfish that is. Move on. If you want to be first, find a guy with no kids because this guy is doing it right and needs a woman who is unselfish enough to know that.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 451
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/2/2012 8:31:57 AM
Just dating? No, you should not expect to come first. A partner should always encourage and support a parent's realtionship with their children. In a normal loving relationship, family members and friends do not compete for time. Needy people tend to demand too much time and weak people allow a sex partner to come between them and their child.
When you marry love relationships change and your status should elevate, but never try to compete with a child. It is hurtful and no one wins.
 blondandcute
Joined: 10/31/2012
Msg: 452
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/4/2012 5:06:53 AM
ok people, not everything she is saying is wrong, she was married to a man who made her sleep on the couch, who does that, and anyone who doesn't see anything wrong with that needs help.
but also its not just her, if the guy wanted her to share in his life, he should involve her in outings with his child, on the other hand if you don't want to go on outings with his child, then you need to just date guys with no kids, its as simple as that
 Sunny_1971
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 453
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/4/2012 9:54:18 AM
Women like you really sicken me! If you want to come first in a man's life, find one with no children. Obviously you don't have a child of your own and can't relate. That's ok, but for you to suggest someone put you ahead on their own child is selfish, sick and immature. You're still in the sandbox, go find someone w/o "baggage" to play with!
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