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 cookinwithstu
Joined: 11/18/2007
Msg: 310
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?Page 4 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
It really doesn't sound like you have made an attempt to bond with the child on a friendship level. If you interact with the child and gain their trust they will not treat you like an outsider which in turn will bring you closer to your mate. As a single man who happens to be a father (80% of the time anyway) I can relate to the man in your story.

While I would not blow off our anniversary I can understand his priorities.

1. The child existed before you.
2. History dictates that the relationship between you and him will fail, his bond with his child is absolute.

So get comfortable with second fiddle because if you do find a man that will blow off his kid's for you all the time then you will be right back on these forums complaining how you are stuck with a deadbeat that doesn't pay attention to his kids.

THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART MAY BE FOOD BUT THE WAY TO A SINGLE FATHER'S HEART IS THROUGH HIS CHILDREN!!!!
 gatormike69
Joined: 11/1/2007
Msg: 315
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/20/2008 2:27:42 PM
I'M 45 WITH 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.SHE IS NUMBER ONE UNTIL A RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES INTO SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS,,AND THEN AS A FAMILY WE SHOULD ALL BE NUMBER ONE.KIDS NEED THAT ONE ON ONE BUT THAT SHOULD MEAN YOU ALSO.YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE ONE ON ONE INCLUDING HIS CHILD AND YOU,THATS HOW YOU AND THE CHILD DEVELOP YOUR RELATIONSHIP.BUT MOM AND DADS GOTTA HAVE IT TO OR IT WILL NEVER WORK.
 joshalicious88
Joined: 5/21/2004
Msg: 318
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:24:11 AM
anyone, and i do mean ANYONE, who puts some man or woman before their child doesnt deserve to have one. your kids should always come first and if they dont then why even bother trying to be in their lives? if you feel like youre in some kind of competition with your spouses child then that says a whole lot of not so good things about you. for one that just shows your selfish and all about yourself. and obviously dont have any respect for a man and his child thats not yours. rather its yours or not, you should still treat him/her just the same.

but yeah every case is different and you cant put every situation in the same category. as far as him makeing you sleep on the couch, well thats just absurd. youre his wife and the women he chose to be with meaning you are going to be in that childs life just as much as him because you are is step mother. so instead of trying to hide the fact that he has another woman in his life thats not his childs mother, he should have just explained it to his son and did what he could to make that situation comfortable for everyone. yes he was in the wrong for that. but you cant really blame a man for wanting to spend a lot of time with his child especially when he was only able to see him once a month prior to that. seriously, how would you feel if you was in his shoes?

if you find a man who puts you first before his child then you need to boot his sorry ass to the curb because its already telling you what kind of sorry ass he is. if a man cant respect his kids what makes you think he will respect you? yes youre suppose to be one with your mate but your child is your child. your flesh and blood. and thats something thats not easily torn apart. blood is thicker than water and thats just something you are going to have to get use too. you shouldnt have to stay home alone on holidays and weekends or feel like an outsider because you are part of the family and thats how you should be treated. but just dont get it twisted and ever think that youre going to be equal because your not. thats just the way it is and something that everyone has to learn to deal with.

i wouldnt even be friends with a woman who tries to put me or any man before their child. if they do their kids like that, how the hell you think they will treat mine. nothing wrong with dateing people with kids. its just that some people dont know how to balance the two and make it work for everyone.
 joshalicious88
Joined: 5/21/2004
Msg: 319
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 9:35:38 AM
no its not normal for her to have to sleep on the couch. thats just him not knowing how to work out the situation with his son getting use to haveing a step mom. thats soemthing that should have been the center of conversation and worked out. but if she cant have kids then she should apreciate being with someone who already has one and instead of feeling like she is in competition with him, do what she can to treat him like his own child. hell maybe if she was more accepting to the situation and stop expecting to be put first then maybe they could have worked things out. but instead she wanted to be selfish and put his kid on the back burner.
 dfc81
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 320
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 4:24:48 PM
In response to the original post:
Yes children come first. Wether it be to a man who has a child already or your own. There are many couples who have children together that will tell you that time together often gets put to the side for the child. I believe this needs to have some limitations. If the time apart is so much so that you can't have a functioning relationship, something needs to change. I would not agree with the whole sleeping on the couch thing. That seems a bit much. I have canceled a few dates because my kids needed me for something. I made the choice to have children and excepted that. I don't regret it either. Remeber that women/men can come and go, your children are always there. While you can move on because you don't get the attention you want, a child can not. You won't have the emotional aftermath to deal with when the man doesn't pay atttention to you that a child will when parent ignores them.

That being said, you shouldn't be a third wheel either. I hav always involved the women in my life with my children when the relationship got to a certain point. My children and I excepted that person into our family and they should be a part of it too.
 Piav
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 321
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:06:23 PM
I'm shocked you even thought a child should come 2nd ughhh. Maybe in your life you thought you were 2nd in your parents eyes if so it was nt right! Its ok to want to feel #1 but thats not going to happen with a real father he may make you feel #1 when he can but never put you above his child remember that child is 1/2 of him so inturm that is like not putting himself 1st. Either date guys with no kids or work on your selfishness and learn to cherish the time you share with him and with the kid/s. hey the time he has to be busy with the child alone, thats your time to do things you enjoy for yourself.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 326
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:08:13 AM
I may be alone on this, but I personally think partners should put themselves towards each other JUST SLIGHTLY higher into number one position over their children, regardless of how and when and by whom the children were conceived. I don't mean to insinuate that the kids should be neglected, they should be a VERY CLOSE second and well taken care of to the full extent and meaning of that word. But ultimately the goal is for them to grow and leave the nest. If you take care of your relationship with your partner first and foremost you will build a life long relationship and that is every bit as important as the life of your children. When you put your partner second to your kids, you are almost dooming the relationship.

I know this is not easy to do if you already have kids. Then you are meeting new girls and the new girls want you to put them first over the kids. And I agree, while the relationship is new, the kids should always be first. But at some point that relationship becomes significant, the woman has to come first, kids just slightly second. And there should be no cause for alarm there. Putting the woman first will teach a valuable lesson to the children, it will also motivate the woman to love your children even more.

If you look at healthy couples that have stayed together with children, they do exactly what I just said. that is the healthy balance. Its definitely tougher when you are divorced and the new partner is....well....new...and the kids are uniquely yours. But ultimately, eventually...if you decide you have a keeper, then you gotta put her first over the kids...even if just slightly.

IMHO.

ps - and my advice is exactly the same for women in the same situation.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 337
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:33:21 PM
I see jealousy in the OP, but I think that it's hard for any woman with or without kids to deal with the meshing of families.

I think that the love a person has for their SO is a totally different kind of love than they have for their children. If it isn't it damn well should be.
I have to admit that asking your bf (or gf) who they love more than anything ~especially if you just did something completely awesome for them~ and having them answer with their kids name is a pretty major kick in the teeth.

I don't want to be loved "more" than his kid...but I want to be loved just as much. I want to be just as important as she is. Same as I love him as much as I love my kids and his happiness and comfort is just as important to me as my children's.
I think men have a harder time separating those emotions than women do. You don't hear of many women treating their SO's like OP was treated with regards to the children.
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 338
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:54:19 PM

Instead of saying "I come first" or "You come first" or "My kids come first", how about if we simply say "I will take good care of my kids, and I will treat you well also." Doesn't that make more sense?


Yes, if we add the caveat: "If you (for whatever reason) force me to choose between you and my children, expect disappointment."
 MsYesterday
Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 340
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/8/2009 5:42:36 PM
If I was only 22 years old I would not ever consider dating a man with a kid.Once you get a child things will change.At leats you have a moment of seeing what a good father he is to his kid.This says quite a bit about him-imagine all the men who will not care for their children.If your relationship ends up in marriage at least you would know what kind of father he would be to your child.Good luck!
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 345
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/9/2009 10:35:37 PM
Children always come first! Adults can manage to fend for themselves, but children still need guidance from adults.

Sorry, but my 2 "guys" also come first. When some boyfriends trot off with another woman, maybe marry them, my sons will be my sons for all eternity. Blood is thicker than water.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 347
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:20:23 AM
"For those of you who do have children and want to make them your number one priority do so on your own time and if that means not dating until your obligations to them are met then so be it."

Some of us can do both, bring up our children and provide together time to the people we date. Most people have competing damands, jobs, hobies, pets can all impact on avalability to provide together time, not just children. Some of us can balance them some can't. Some people don't want balance and they are not a good pick to date any one and are realy a bad pick for a single parent.
 rlovernyc
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 355
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/25/2009 12:58:08 PM
i agree with you on what u had to say
you will always feel second especially you are seeking your needs to be met

however a child will always come before you
not matter what

i was in your shoes before and i could deal with it
cuz like u i was at home alone or going out on the weekend and feeling like if i was single wishing it was the girl i was with but then i grew tired of it and didnt want to do it anymore
i mean there are a lot single parent who are good catches but that doesnt mean nothing if your needs are not fulfill

my sugguestion is to stay away from single parents
 rlovernyc
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 356
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/25/2009 1:20:14 PM
thatmakesense

i have to agree with you on your response
perhap many will disagree with you

but what you are saying is all fact

peopple tend to say u need to understanding of a person's situation
but bottom line is if your needs are being met then its not going to work

people need to start taking responsibilty
im a firm believer in order to establish a romantic relationship, a bond needs to be created, in order to created, time has to be spent and invested, person needs to feel wanted a priority, etc
and i have to say and agree anyone who has kids, need to understand that single people with no kids have needs too not just u and ur kid
my suggestion is to get involved with other single parents
both of you will be able to understand each others situation

thanks this needed to presented
 rlovernyc
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 357
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/25/2009 1:23:00 PM
i agree with u
no parent should put a partner ahead of there
its demonstrated something wrong there

and i agree that people with no kids should stay away from single parents
 KOR2009
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 361
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:02:18 PM
I agree that you are being childish and ridiculous. No I don't think he should have had you sleep on the couch because that is unreasonable. But the rest of it...you honestly would put your spouses needs infront of your childs? If that is truly how you were raised not wonder you need so much attention and devotion, you never got any from your parents.

If you have children I truly hope your views change. My son is dealing with the fact that his father wants nothing to do with him because he's too busy being a druggy loser. If I would have put his needs before my sons, I would still be stuck in FL paying the way for him to treat us like crap and set all these bad examples on how to treat people and how to be a stoner for my son.

Children ALWAYS come first!!!!!!!!

Grow up!
 A Moment in Time
Joined: 7/19/2007
Msg: 364
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:33:35 AM
If a person has children, the kids will ALWAYS come first as they should, my kids will always come first, i have been on a date and my child has been sick so I have had to go. It is not a reflection on the other person just we need to be there for them. I respect a man who does take care of his kids.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 365
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:40:40 AM

I am always fascinated by these types of threads and by posters who have the need to rant and rave about how awful it is to have a relationship with a single parent. What exactly is your point? No one is forcing you to date single parents. Go, be free, date childless people, be happy. Quit whining.


Very good post Meplus2
 Piav
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 368
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:14:20 PM
I am a single mother and I can say I do not use the term a man comes 1st or kids etc .....They each have their place in my life, there is a balance as well as harmony that way. A child is in my heart , responsibilities and has priorites in my life but there should be no comparision of who gets more attention etc each of them receive the attention and time that should its given willingly and accordingly. There should be understanding of all the childrens and the mates needs. Its a shame in some part the hubby made you feel like an outsider had you sleeping on the couch etc because as a wife the child should be able to learn, in life a man and women who are married may be in the same room sit on the same sofa etc and both love the child as well as each other. Competition is a no no and if you look at it that way you are doomed and bound to fail because you just dont grasp thats not at all how it should be. Its all understanding, willingness, comprimise and making all happy by trying together. Although the hubby may have not went about it right by making you feel unimportant you two should have communicated more and maybe rescheduled that trip so the kid was not the main issue. Its not being able to communicate things effectively to benefit each others comfort level.

Your new guy is not the issue you have to readjust how you perceive things and learn to communicate. You are not in a line of #1 #2 #3 etc kids are never in the position of mates/GF/BF they are kids and are a part of that parent Period. If you really care about any man with a child you will respect that he does right by the child thats a good thing think about this WHAT IF IT WAS YOUR CHILD mmhmm I am sure you would want them to have the proper treatment and care.

You should not be staying home alone on all the weekends , holidays, I am sure if you start to understand and communicate with these dads then you will be included in theses plans. Remember you are there to be a Girlfriend/ Wife and thats the area of that mans life you'll fit in.
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 375
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:37:52 AM

Yes, a child's [B]needs[/B] come first,


but not wants demands etc everytime.. parents deserve a life beyond children.. a childs needs should and will always come first.. but to pander t a childs every whim leads to vile whiney spoilt brats who are not well equipped in life..
you will breed a nation or narcissists who believe the entire world revolves around them..
NO.. is a parents best freind when used appropriately and MEANT...!!
 boomgoesthedyna
Joined: 6/15/2007
Msg: 381
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/3/2009 9:00:14 PM
no... sorry

that is all i wanted to respond too but they say a message this short can not be posted.... bummer when a simple answer will sum it all up
 DawnsWay
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 385
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/20/2009 10:39:45 PM
I am floored!! You are too selfish and immature to date a man with children. And you obviously do not have children your self. You should be upset when he does not put his children first. And you will feel like an outsider until you prove yourself to his children. You ARE an outsider until those children feel and see that you care about them and their father. You are with their father, and your not mom. That is very hard for children to accept, you want to be accepted and not feel like an outsider, you have to win over those kids. And if you don't, you will be gone. If you dont get along with his children and you dont like them, "you..will..be..gone. When you date someone with children, it knowing it a package deal and until they know you love them and their children, you will be second. If you can wait it out, prove your love to him and his kids, you wont feel so left out, and that will only be when and if you all fall in love. While just dating, his kids will come first, as it should be.
 namember80
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 388
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 5/1/2009 10:20:54 AM
You will not nor should think you are,Step up and help It is never about us kids first
 namember80
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 389
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 5/1/2009 10:28:27 AM
you act as you need every ones focus on you ..............very selfish,and you are so meterialistic ,look in the mirror.....he shoul dump you........no hate ...take a step back into the real world
 southernangeleyes
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 392
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 5/3/2009 7:50:05 AM
Ok first off I am a single mom and in the beginning I make myself clear if I have to make a choice between anyone and my kids then there is no choice my kids win!! Secondly did you ever try talking to him and explaining you felt like an outsider when the kids were around to see if he was willing to include you more. And maybe it was the kids who were uncomfortable and he was trying to figure out how to deal with that because he spent time with you when they werent there so trying to accomodate everyone is a hard thing to do sometimes.
No I am not taking his side but as my children get older I can see different things that happen that makes it hard to accomodate everyone and please everyone.
But anyway in any relationship there has to be communication and if you dont have that then you dont it was both faults because unless your a mind reader you dont know what the other person is thinking or feeling.
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