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 love4lover
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 393
will I EVER come first?Page 5 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
either take it the way it currently is - it will change as the child grows up. do you want to wait that long?
or get out of the relationship - no need to feel like an outsider. but, don't run a competition. no matter who's first, second or whatever. no price at the end. what matters is - do you feel loved and are you happy. a good father will always and should always love his child - don't ask him not to. that does not mean that you shouldn't be loved by him. respect is part of that
 Crystal805
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 396
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/26/2012 1:21:39 AM
You need to talk to him about liking the current visitation only! Everyother weekend. Child needs to spend fun weekends with mother also, what all the school days only ??? I don't think so, he most likely pays child support so He's working during the week, make it very clear you like thd fact that you have weekends with his child but also enjoy those weekends just you two after a hard week of work!! Hate it or live it all those people who complain who most likely have kids and are separated! Kid don't come first!! Obviously in Life or death situation, physical and emotional well being yes. But as far as treating them like they are first to a spouse or partner heck no!!!!! If that's the case all you single daddy's don't have a girlfriend dedicate yourself to your kids until they are grown then get a girlfriend romantic relationships require 100%. Remember your doing him a favor by dating a him while having a kid.
 HiHeelsLover
Joined: 7/13/2012
Msg: 397
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/26/2012 6:49:42 AM
Dont date men with children or with adult children. YOU will never be more important than his kids.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 398
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/26/2012 8:55:57 AM
While dating, no. If you ever get married to you should become each others priority over any children, whether his, yours, or both of yours. Too many people have second, third, etc. marriages that end poorly because they fail to understand this.
 Siks6
Joined: 7/11/2012
Msg: 400
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/28/2012 12:36:13 AM
Nobody would ever become before my child. That is why I refuse to have a relationship as it is. I am 100% all about what the child wants. My son has made it extremely clear he wants it to just be him and I only, I am way more then happy to keep it that way. Although he's autistic and can't verbally tell me, his actions speak louder than words. Any person I dare to even try to bring in our lives; he would swallow them up and spit them out.
 armygal1357atyahoo
Joined: 7/12/2012
Msg: 402
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/31/2012 5:56:24 AM
A parents child will always come first. YOu'll completely understand the feeling when you become a mother.
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 403
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/1/2012 4:46:14 PM
nunthewiser----- omg I feel so sorry for u. I personally hate women and especially men who don't give priorities to their kid first over their gf. Like seriously, ur the man, and ur a father, y in god's name are u hiding ur visitation with ur child? Stop being so damn afraid of ur gf, grow a pair of balls and take care of ur child without hiding to see him from ur gf.

Do u want me to beat her up for u? Cuz seriously she needs a smack in the head. And ur ex's head for that matter too.

I would never date a guy who did that. And in the past I dated a guy with 2 kids and I was never like that with him. I don't care if I'm second to his kids. Hell I know some women want to be 'first' b4 anyone, but when u have kids, they are ur first priority!

jeeez i wanna slap ur ex and her gf! lol
 MEW1968
Joined: 8/27/2012
Msg: 404
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/2/2012 11:38:08 PM
I just ended a relationship with a guy that thought I should always put him before OUR children, I'm sorry but if you're not trapped then find someone without children, blending homes is just miserable in this day and age i think...
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 405
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/3/2012 12:11:45 AM
Beka37184- There is a distinction between adult and child for a reason.
As adults, we should understand that children need to be loved.
Why look at it as a contest when you are talking about children?!
The person you are with can love you both.
Consider a tie and consider the feelings of the child and consider the feelings of your partner for their child.
If you can't accept a tie, they will chose the child, as they should.
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 407
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/3/2012 7:32:28 PM
here is where SEMANTICS come in... Yes, the child's NEEDS come before his, yours, or anyone else's... what this means: you don't get a new purse because bills need to be paid to care for the child; if you fall on hard times, the adults cut their portion sizes and do their best not to let the child suffer...

HOWEVER, the child's wants do not come before the NEEDS of the relationship. The only way to have a good and healthy relationship is to spend time alone together (i.e no children) on a regular basis... and I'm sorry, but you couldn't sleep in YOUR bed because his child might see you sleeping in the same bed... HUH!? NO! That is not in any way normal or common, plenty of single parents re-marry and lead normal married-couple type lifestyles... A child benefits from the stability they feel knowing that the marriage will last... something they "know" only by what they can see- and step-mom sleeping on the couch does not say she is a permanent part of dad's life...

So it's not an issue of the child coming first or not, it's just that your ex was a complete moron... It's okay, lots of us married morons... life goes on. Do not assume the new guy is an idiot just because the last guy was... ask him about how vactions and such would affect his visits.
 prettyflowers
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 408
view profile
History
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/8/2012 10:00:28 AM
You will NEVER come first...Never ever!!! My former boyfriend who had been with me for over a year has a 35 year old son and he pretty much called the shots. That son decided that I wasn't for his dad...Guess what? He told his father that. And then lied about a few things...I didn't have a leg to stand on. It ended .. Just like that...Save your heart and get out now.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 409
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/8/2012 2:55:15 PM
Assuming all things are equal, while dating the child should come first. After marriage the spouse should have priority.
 Serephena
Joined: 9/2/2012
Msg: 410
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/9/2012 6:27:28 AM
NO !!!!!! OMG I come across this ALL the time !! Significant others and parents and children ALL have their seperate categories. A significant other cannot be put in the same category as the children. The children come first obviously, but the women/man has to come first in their own right, or you aren't going to have them. Period. I wish people/men could get this concept !! No one needs to choose between kids or a partner-it's so stupid when I hear people say kids come above the significant other. Like I said, not even in the same category.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 411
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/9/2012 9:01:21 PM

jose u r a twat!

what is the difference between dating and marriage.. and as i said before.. even if 2 people have a child together that child should come first too!!


What is the difference between dating and marriage? Is that even a serious question? You should get a dictionary. You might also consider looking up "decorum" while you are at it.
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 412
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/9/2012 11:44:19 PM

jose u r a twat!

what is the difference between dating and marriage.. and as i said before.. even if 2 people have a child together that child should come first too!!



WOW! What's with the name calling?? Geeez! That was seriously uncalled for.

Jose is right... The whole "kids come first" thing is bull. They need to see that stability is there and they need to have a proper model for what a good and healthy relationship looks like. Obviously, when married, a couple would cancel a date for a sick child- but people use the kids come first thing to excuse ridiculous behavior like "my son isn't comfortable seeing you sleep in my bed so ever other weekend, you crash on the couch... for his comfort." That's bs!

Like I said, the child's needs before the adults needs... the relationship's NEEDS before the child's WANTS. Thus the child does not always come first, and such a notion that they do has kids running the houses all over America (btw, that's a bad thing)
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 413
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/12/2012 11:09:29 PM

and friendshipcomes first, just saw ur profile, 4 kids and time to spent with a partner.. wow do u not owrk and provide and set a good example for ur children.. u have a dog too!! do u not sleep to fit all this in.. wish i had super powers like u to do it all!! haha really sounds like ur children are missing out some things for u to have ur own selfish wants huh!
they r only children once! make sure u do ur best not just when u can be bothered and as much as u can bother.. geez as u say


Yes, four kids, and I adore every one of them, it's awful ain't it? Yes, I work and I attend school full time. I help in my kids' classrooms where they attend school full time, and I have a couple pets... why is that a problem? It is not selfish to find hapiness, children don't want to see their mom or their dad depressed- being happy benefits everyone. My kids don't miss out on a thing. We eat dinner together every single night, attend church together on Sundays, read together before bed, my two younger kids are in AWANAS, my oldest is active in his youth group, my second is active in cadet corp, my two oldest go skiing with their cousin, and all four will be going on a cruise with my parents next summer. (and all that living in a different state than their father, I have full physical and legal custody) They are not "missing out on things"- but they are growing up. They won't be children forever, a fact I have accepted. Therefore, I choose to enjoy their childhoods without loosing sight of the fact that they will one day move out at have lives of their own- I'd rather not be sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for them to call me or wondering if me calling them again is annoying...

I'm sorry you aren't able to manage your time, but plenty of single moms manage to be good parents, give their kids a great life, and still have time to date- it's offensive that you think that having time for a relationship makes someone a bad parent. I dated their father the whole time e were married, never once (even when they were babies) did we not spend time alone together regularly, and I would not consider any relationship stable or valuable if it could not stand independently of the children- because like you said, "they r only children once". A relationship that is built around children that will not remain, is a relationship that will colapse when the foundation grows up and moves out.
 soulstill
Joined: 9/22/2012
Msg: 415
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/25/2012 2:23:03 PM
Hum, seriously, you can't ask a Dad to put you before his own child, his own blood. I mean, com'on, imagine that happening to you. Your parents, or single dad/mom, putting someone before you while they are the only ones that are supposed to be there for you no matter what and who and why and where... Bet you will not be happy. No matter who children come first.

The things is, if it is your mate you have to accept that. You shouldn't try to change it but instead try to get close with his child/ren so that when he is with them you can be around and have a great time as well.
 MwaahMwaah
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 416
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/27/2012 5:02:17 PM
when married, yes
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 417
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/27/2012 8:15:57 PM
No.. You can't ask a dad to put you before his own children's needs, but you CAN tell him how you feel and what you need from him in order to maintain happiness in the relationship.

What I mean is.. you can and should say to him/her.. "i feel this way when you do this because your child calls". It's not wrong for the other person to expect to be treated with respect, to be treated fairly and to be made to feel important in the relationship. It's also not wrong for the parent to care properly for their kid(s). If they are always being put off because of kid related things, there is no way to make the relationship work. if you can't hold a conversation without a child's interruptions being entertained. If you choose to date a parent, you have to understand that the kids are important and if the parent has to choose between you or the child will win (and rightly so). If you and your partner can't come to compromise somewhere in the middle then it's most likely not meant to be.
 RD71
Joined: 9/19/2012
Msg: 418
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/28/2012 11:04:38 PM
If the man is ANY kind of man, his kids will ALWAYS come first. If you are any kind of woman you would expect that and only respect a man who was that way. You sound like you want a guy who acts as though the world was created for you and you alone, you need to grow up and get over yourself.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 419
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/29/2012 6:56:11 AM
Regardless of what she sounds like.. I don't think that's what she means.

If you're in a relationship and always made to feel second or less important then others you will not be happy in said relationship. It matters not if you actually are second or not or who is first. It's about how he makes her feel. He doesn't make her feel important enough in the relationship, so she's unhappy and always feeling like runner up.

I'm a mom, my child comes first as it should be. I don't scream this from the mountain tops, because I assume any halfway intelligent person is going to know this. When I am dating someone I make sure to carve enough time out of my schedule to spend alone with them and I make sure to carve out time to do those little cute unexpected things that makes people feel special and important to the other one. Even little things like a silly text in the middle of the day or something just to let him know I'm thinking about him. I'd bet dollars to donuts she simply doesn't feel important to him. that is where the actual issue lies. The man she is dating either need to break up with her, because he doesn't actually want to be with her, or take a time management class or two and make her important in his life.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 420
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/29/2012 12:50:05 PM
When his son would stay with us, I had to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to chance his son walking in the bedroom and seeing us laying in the same bed together. Ugh!
WTF!!! What did he think you were the family dog? This is not normal behavior. Most single parents don't engage in inappropriate behavior w/their children & disrespect to their partners like this Ahole.

How did you manage to find a man who is a carbon copy of your ex? They have many striking similiar shockingly bad personality traits. You have allowed both to treat you like you are a piece of poop stuck on the bottom of their shoe! Most women would have been long after being subjected to this torment.

Why do I have to stay home alone on weekends and holidays? .. and if we all go out together and do something, I'm made to feel like an outsider.. yet you have the nerve to come to me with your problems and issues so I can help you fix them?

I understand his going to the child on the weekends, with time constraints & they do need alone time, but you should be celebrating the holidays as a family, in your own home!! You, your man & his child, No exceptions!!
Where is he sleeping when he goes to spend the weekends with his child? This is a cause for concern. Is he staying in the ex wife's home? Are they sleeping together behind your back? Of course his child views you as the outsider you are being treated like an outsider! That's exactly what you've been from the very beginning & the child sees you as keeping his parents apart & preventing them from being a happy family. The ex wife seems like a manipulater, this is how she has some control & aggravates you at the same time. She knows this arrangement is causing stress on your relationship & this is what she wants.
Other arrangements should have been made a long time ago allowing you to be together as a family. The ex can drive the child half way to a meeting place if the distance is that far. They can work something out, If he has to drive & make the trip himself, so be it. You & his child should have bonded a long time ago.
You shouldn't be left out. He is spending the holidays with his family as IF they are still married, but they are NOT married, hello... does he realize how badly he's treating you? Does he even care? Why are you staying with him, when he is making no effort to include you, to treat you like a decent human being? He has NO respect what so ever for you!
This situation is NOT going to get better!! Fix this NOW BEFORE you marry him! I have a friend in a similiar situation. Her husband has never spent a holiday with her & her daughter from a previous relationship. This has gone on for years. She is miserable! She would have been happier if she had walked away from this train wreck! He has no respect or any regard for her feelings. This selfish inconsiderate behavior carries over into other areas of the reationship. And let me tell you, she contributes her entire pay check to the marriage! She also pays his car payment too. She is an ATM w/a glory hole to him & nothing else. Don't turn out to be THAT!
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. Your man is selfish, inconsiderate, very stubborn, has boundry issues, & is still tied to his ex wife n an unhealthy way. He does things in a way that are convenient for him. If he is spending weekends with his ex wife, in her house, they are having sex. This is why you ARE the outsider & always will be! He needs to choose! He should cut ties to his ex a long time ago.
This is seriously f*cked up situation you need to get him into counseling right away before you marry him. If he refuses you have 2 clear choices. 1) accept it & suffer, or 2)walk away & find a new man you can be happy with! No man is worth being miserable for the rest of our life!
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 421
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/29/2012 1:23:34 PM
OP, I always post my answer first then go back & read the thread. First, I didn't realize you are only 20 years old & have only been together for 3 months. You are being bashed unfairly in this thread.
In your defense, your ex used bad judgeent & took his parenting to the extreme. You do not put your child in your bed on a visit & make your wife sleep on the couch.
When I posted I thought you were together a lot longer than 3 months, so I'll modify my answer a bit. Your b/f is still doing things the same way he did before you were in the picture. Now that you are in the pic, have met the child, have gone on outings together, you should be spending the holidays together as a family. You should not be left home by yourself on the holidays, I stand by that.
As I said before, give him his weekend time with his child. They need the alone time & to continue their bond. He is a good parent to see his child faithfully like he does but, he needs to make changes for the holidays. You should be included. Stand your ground on this!
When you do outings with the child, do your part to make sure he/she is comfortable, that you are talking, & not pouting. It's up to you, as the adult, to make the child feel comfortable. In time the child will grow to accept you. I would still be weary of the sleeping arrangements when he visits on the weekends, calmly ask about that, & don't make any accusations. You want to be assured without causing an argument. It could be an innocent arrangement, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I had a neighbor who wanted to date me. He spent every weekend with his child at his ex wifes home. He admitted that they slept in the same bed, but claimed they weren't having sex, yea right. I stayed far away from that situation. I didn't believe that for a second, & there was no way I was going to date a man who was sleeping in the same bed as his ex wife every weekend. I knew he was lying about the sex part, but your ex may not be doing anything unfaithful.
Best thing for you in this situation is to compromise, encourage the weekend visits, but stand your ground that you are included in the holiday visits.
 jjbar0702
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 422
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:23:41 PM
No, you will never come first and children should ALWAYS come first!! We all have UNCONDITIONAL love for our children. If you are normal, then you will understand when you have your own children. If you are a narcissist, then you will always put yourself first and never understand.

Sweet and simple...you need to date men with no children!! Seriously, you may be one of those people who should never have children.
 jjbar0702
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 423
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:34:58 PM
If u are married to him, then I see no reason u can't sleep in the bed with him and the child. He misses his child and needs quality time. He doesn't get to see the child that much. He should also include you in events if u are married.

If I wasn't married, then I wouldn't let the kid see me in bed with a woman...that is being a bad role model.
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