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 ldytrkr
Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 308
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?Page 9 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
No you will never come first!!!!! Children always always always come first. My suggestion to you is never date a man with children again. Makes me wonder what you would do if you had a child of your own. Would he or she know the sitter better then he or she knows you? So what if your romantic weekend was put off because of his child. You are very selfish.
 gatormike69
Joined: 11/1/2007
Msg: 315
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 4/20/2008 2:27:42 PM
I'M 45 WITH 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.SHE IS NUMBER ONE UNTIL A RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES INTO SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS,,AND THEN AS A FAMILY WE SHOULD ALL BE NUMBER ONE.KIDS NEED THAT ONE ON ONE BUT THAT SHOULD MEAN YOU ALSO.YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE ONE ON ONE INCLUDING HIS CHILD AND YOU,THATS HOW YOU AND THE CHILD DEVELOP YOUR RELATIONSHIP.BUT MOM AND DADS GOTTA HAVE IT TO OR IT WILL NEVER WORK.
 Piav
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 321
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/19/2008 7:06:23 PM
I'm shocked you even thought a child should come 2nd ughhh. Maybe in your life you thought you were 2nd in your parents eyes if so it was nt right! Its ok to want to feel #1 but thats not going to happen with a real father he may make you feel #1 when he can but never put you above his child remember that child is 1/2 of him so inturm that is like not putting himself 1st. Either date guys with no kids or work on your selfishness and learn to cherish the time you share with him and with the kid/s. hey the time he has to be busy with the child alone, thats your time to do things you enjoy for yourself.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 326
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:08:13 AM
I may be alone on this, but I personally think partners should put themselves towards each other JUST SLIGHTLY higher into number one position over their children, regardless of how and when and by whom the children were conceived. I don't mean to insinuate that the kids should be neglected, they should be a VERY CLOSE second and well taken care of to the full extent and meaning of that word. But ultimately the goal is for them to grow and leave the nest. If you take care of your relationship with your partner first and foremost you will build a life long relationship and that is every bit as important as the life of your children. When you put your partner second to your kids, you are almost dooming the relationship.

I know this is not easy to do if you already have kids. Then you are meeting new girls and the new girls want you to put them first over the kids. And I agree, while the relationship is new, the kids should always be first. But at some point that relationship becomes significant, the woman has to come first, kids just slightly second. And there should be no cause for alarm there. Putting the woman first will teach a valuable lesson to the children, it will also motivate the woman to love your children even more.

If you look at healthy couples that have stayed together with children, they do exactly what I just said. that is the healthy balance. Its definitely tougher when you are divorced and the new partner is....well....new...and the kids are uniquely yours. But ultimately, eventually...if you decide you have a keeper, then you gotta put her first over the kids...even if just slightly.

IMHO.

ps - and my advice is exactly the same for women in the same situation.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 337
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:33:21 PM
I see jealousy in the OP, but I think that it's hard for any woman with or without kids to deal with the meshing of families.

I think that the love a person has for their SO is a totally different kind of love than they have for their children. If it isn't it damn well should be.
I have to admit that asking your bf (or gf) who they love more than anything ~especially if you just did something completely awesome for them~ and having them answer with their kids name is a pretty major kick in the teeth.

I don't want to be loved "more" than his kid...but I want to be loved just as much. I want to be just as important as she is. Same as I love him as much as I love my kids and his happiness and comfort is just as important to me as my children's.
I think men have a harder time separating those emotions than women do. You don't hear of many women treating their SO's like OP was treated with regards to the children.
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 338
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/21/2008 10:54:19 PM

Instead of saying "I come first" or "You come first" or "My kids come first", how about if we simply say "I will take good care of my kids, and I will treat you well also." Doesn't that make more sense?


Yes, if we add the caveat: "If you (for whatever reason) force me to choose between you and my children, expect disappointment."
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 347
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:20:23 AM
"For those of you who do have children and want to make them your number one priority do so on your own time and if that means not dating until your obligations to them are met then so be it."

Some of us can do both, bring up our children and provide together time to the people we date. Most people have competing damands, jobs, hobies, pets can all impact on avalability to provide together time, not just children. Some of us can balance them some can't. Some people don't want balance and they are not a good pick to date any one and are realy a bad pick for a single parent.
 rlovernyc
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 355
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/25/2009 12:58:08 PM
i agree with you on what u had to say
you will always feel second especially you are seeking your needs to be met

however a child will always come before you
not matter what

i was in your shoes before and i could deal with it
cuz like u i was at home alone or going out on the weekend and feeling like if i was single wishing it was the girl i was with but then i grew tired of it and didnt want to do it anymore
i mean there are a lot single parent who are good catches but that doesnt mean nothing if your needs are not fulfill

my sugguestion is to stay away from single parents
 rlovernyc
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 356
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/25/2009 1:20:14 PM
thatmakesense

i have to agree with you on your response
perhap many will disagree with you

but what you are saying is all fact

peopple tend to say u need to understanding of a person's situation
but bottom line is if your needs are being met then its not going to work

people need to start taking responsibilty
im a firm believer in order to establish a romantic relationship, a bond needs to be created, in order to created, time has to be spent and invested, person needs to feel wanted a priority, etc
and i have to say and agree anyone who has kids, need to understand that single people with no kids have needs too not just u and ur kid
my suggestion is to get involved with other single parents
both of you will be able to understand each others situation

thanks this needed to presented
 rlovernyc
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 357
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/25/2009 1:23:00 PM
i agree with u
no parent should put a partner ahead of there
its demonstrated something wrong there

and i agree that people with no kids should stay away from single parents
 KOR2009
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 361
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/26/2009 6:02:18 PM
I agree that you are being childish and ridiculous. No I don't think he should have had you sleep on the couch because that is unreasonable. But the rest of it...you honestly would put your spouses needs infront of your childs? If that is truly how you were raised not wonder you need so much attention and devotion, you never got any from your parents.

If you have children I truly hope your views change. My son is dealing with the fact that his father wants nothing to do with him because he's too busy being a druggy loser. If I would have put his needs before my sons, I would still be stuck in FL paying the way for him to treat us like crap and set all these bad examples on how to treat people and how to be a stoner for my son.

Children ALWAYS come first!!!!!!!!

Grow up!
 Piav
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 368
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:14:20 PM
I am a single mother and I can say I do not use the term a man comes 1st or kids etc .....They each have their place in my life, there is a balance as well as harmony that way. A child is in my heart , responsibilities and has priorites in my life but there should be no comparision of who gets more attention etc each of them receive the attention and time that should its given willingly and accordingly. There should be understanding of all the childrens and the mates needs. Its a shame in some part the hubby made you feel like an outsider had you sleeping on the couch etc because as a wife the child should be able to learn, in life a man and women who are married may be in the same room sit on the same sofa etc and both love the child as well as each other. Competition is a no no and if you look at it that way you are doomed and bound to fail because you just dont grasp thats not at all how it should be. Its all understanding, willingness, comprimise and making all happy by trying together. Although the hubby may have not went about it right by making you feel unimportant you two should have communicated more and maybe rescheduled that trip so the kid was not the main issue. Its not being able to communicate things effectively to benefit each others comfort level.

Your new guy is not the issue you have to readjust how you perceive things and learn to communicate. You are not in a line of #1 #2 #3 etc kids are never in the position of mates/GF/BF they are kids and are a part of that parent Period. If you really care about any man with a child you will respect that he does right by the child thats a good thing think about this WHAT IF IT WAS YOUR CHILD mmhmm I am sure you would want them to have the proper treatment and care.

You should not be staying home alone on all the weekends , holidays, I am sure if you start to understand and communicate with these dads then you will be included in theses plans. Remember you are there to be a Girlfriend/ Wife and thats the area of that mans life you'll fit in.
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 375
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:37:52 AM

Yes, a child's [B]needs[/B] come first,


but not wants demands etc everytime.. parents deserve a life beyond children.. a childs needs should and will always come first.. but to pander t a childs every whim leads to vile whiney spoilt brats who are not well equipped in life..
you will breed a nation or narcissists who believe the entire world revolves around them..
NO.. is a parents best freind when used appropriately and MEANT...!!
 Crystal805
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 396
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/26/2012 1:21:39 AM
You need to talk to him about liking the current visitation only! Everyother weekend. Child needs to spend fun weekends with mother also, what all the school days only ??? I don't think so, he most likely pays child support so He's working during the week, make it very clear you like thd fact that you have weekends with his child but also enjoy those weekends just you two after a hard week of work!! Hate it or live it all those people who complain who most likely have kids and are separated! Kid don't come first!! Obviously in Life or death situation, physical and emotional well being yes. But as far as treating them like they are first to a spouse or partner heck no!!!!! If that's the case all you single daddy's don't have a girlfriend dedicate yourself to your kids until they are grown then get a girlfriend romantic relationships require 100%. Remember your doing him a favor by dating a him while having a kid.
 Siks6
Joined: 7/11/2012
Msg: 400
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 7/28/2012 12:36:13 AM
Nobody would ever become before my child. That is why I refuse to have a relationship as it is. I am 100% all about what the child wants. My son has made it extremely clear he wants it to just be him and I only, I am way more then happy to keep it that way. Although he's autistic and can't verbally tell me, his actions speak louder than words. Any person I dare to even try to bring in our lives; he would swallow them up and spit them out.
 armygal1357atyahoo
Joined: 7/12/2012
Msg: 402
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 8/31/2012 5:56:24 AM
A parents child will always come first. YOu'll completely understand the feeling when you become a mother.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 405
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/3/2012 12:11:45 AM
Beka37184- There is a distinction between adult and child for a reason.
As adults, we should understand that children need to be loved.
Why look at it as a contest when you are talking about children?!
The person you are with can love you both.
Consider a tie and consider the feelings of the child and consider the feelings of your partner for their child.
If you can't accept a tie, they will chose the child, as they should.
 prettyflowers
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 408
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 9/8/2012 10:00:28 AM
You will NEVER come first...Never ever!!! My former boyfriend who had been with me for over a year has a 35 year old son and he pretty much called the shots. That son decided that I wasn't for his dad...Guess what? He told his father that. And then lied about a few things...I didn't have a leg to stand on. It ended .. Just like that...Save your heart and get out now.
 jjbar0702
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 422
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:23:41 PM
No, you will never come first and children should ALWAYS come first!! We all have UNCONDITIONAL love for our children. If you are normal, then you will understand when you have your own children. If you are a narcissist, then you will always put yourself first and never understand.

Sweet and simple...you need to date men with no children!! Seriously, you may be one of those people who should never have children.
 jjbar0702
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 423
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/14/2012 4:34:58 PM
If u are married to him, then I see no reason u can't sleep in the bed with him and the child. He misses his child and needs quality time. He doesn't get to see the child that much. He should also include you in events if u are married.

If I wasn't married, then I wouldn't let the kid see me in bed with a woman...that is being a bad role model.
 forgiven33
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 424
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/16/2012 12:53:16 AM
A child is from my blood. they are a part of who we are. I respect women who put thier child before me . It shows they are a good parent and have values. I had a girlfriend who asked me to choose her or my child .!!!! Needless to say she is my x. sorry but good for him. he is being a father !!!!!!!
 zurichdublin188
Joined: 8/14/2012
Msg: 426
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/17/2012 9:46:58 PM
You'd have to be a damn fool to even want to be #1 to someone who has a child.

Good Lord.
 Howaboutforever17
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 444
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/25/2012 7:51:03 PM
If I dated a man whose child or children didn't come first, I would have difficulty respecting him. Children are a lifelong commitment. I think your husband was a little over the top in making you sleep on the couch. Children are wonderfully accepting of things, especially when they are very young. He should have explained, in an age appropriate way, the new situation.

A word of advice; do not try to be their mother. They have one. Do not belittle their mother, they will always remember and never forgive. You have the luxury of being on more of a friend level with step children, especially if they do not live with you full time. Good luck
 99HawtMomma99
Joined: 1/7/2011
Msg: 447
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When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 10/25/2012 8:56:41 PM
I agree with you.....when parents separate...and in this case re married..the spouse should not be putting her on the outside ..he is not giving her the chance to be in his sons life. No parent should ever put anyone before their children. But you have to teach the children that life goes on and relationships change.....if they were just dating for a few months id say sure wait until your relationship is abit further along before introducing the child...but come on they are married...if I married a man and he excluded ME from being in the relationship..well thats just bullshit. I AM a single mother..my ex has had a couple of girlfriends since the breakup and my child is fine...I monitor their relationship. The kid isnt gonna be traumatized if he sees his married DAD in bed with his wife......stop beating this girl up....lol she is right and wrong....no you will not be first...but you shouldnt be below the dog either...he needs to be more respectful of your feelings also..its hurtful to be set aside.....when he married you he didnt say "Im only your husband when my son isnt around" like come on....he needs to involve his wife...unless SHE is putting herself on the sidelines then its different. She needs to try and involve herslf....but that couch shit is just gross....aint nobody EVER kicking ME out of my bed...wth is up with that? Maybe this DAD needs to open his life up abit..to his WIFE and CHILD..good luck
 blondandcute
Joined: 10/31/2012
Msg: 452
When dating a man who has a child, will I EVER come first?
Posted: 11/4/2012 5:06:53 AM
ok people, not everything she is saying is wrong, she was married to a man who made her sleep on the couch, who does that, and anyone who doesn't see anything wrong with that needs help.
but also its not just her, if the guy wanted her to share in his life, he should involve her in outings with his child, on the other hand if you don't want to go on outings with his child, then you need to just date guys with no kids, its as simple as that
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