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 jacintos
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 351
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?Page 6 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
Some of my guy friends are physically attractive to me and some aren't, but that doesn't mean I'm eager to date them. There are some that I would never date for a variety of reasons that go beyond physical attraction. That also doesn't mean I necessarily wouldn't date some of them. It all depends on circumstances. My ex and I were friends for 2 years before he asked me out. It was a surprise to me, but once I thought about it, I was totally into the idea. Things don't have to be so black and white. I like making friends, regardless of attraction or gender.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 352
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:40:16 PM
Checking off my list of accomplishments for today- made the Capitano laugh.

I can't take credit for the words- just found it on the web. And I went down the same road as you years ago too and seen it done more afterward. I finally called her on it and she tearfully admitted she was leading me on. And ya know what- I finally did get to be the boyfriend for a while after.

Don't give up on all girls - some are alright too- just make sure you know where you stand. If your getting mixed messages - says your just friends, acts affectionate, never introduces you to other women and interferes with you meeting someone - cut bait Capitano.

I hoist a glass to you- you've made me laugh too.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 353
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:02:17 PM

Well, OP, if I had to hazard a guess (and I mean this in no gender-biased way whatsoever) I would say it's possibly because women seem to be better at compartmentalizing overall. Or at least, compartmentalizing where certain people fit in their life, or to what extent, or in what capacity. JMO.



Men can be just friends if that is all a woman is offering. He might get upset because he didn't get what he wanted, but who cares? No man is OWED a woman's time, attention or body just because he wants it, which is a difficult concept for many males to understand.


That is rather a sad commentary on men in general, IMO. Granted, some men *can* get upset at rejection...but to make it sound as though men beg for and accept whatever they can get, in lieu of their heart's desire...just because that's all the woman is "offering" as a take-it-or-leave-it scenario????

Most men, I'd imagine, would just move on at that point, thinking "Okay, she's not interested...NEXT". And not many men I've ever met, and actually none that I've ever dated, have ever felt any 'entitlement' was owed to them, beyond simple courtesy.


Sweetness- I've read many of your posts and find myself almost always in agreement- but this one I respectfully don't agree with. It's OK - Actually there are a lot of women you think the same as you- kind of oblivious to a significant male dynamic. Actually its a major reason you have a ton of those whiny "nice guy" threads everyone rolls there eyes at because there are- a ton of them.

A few points

"Women are better at compartmentalizing"- so is a guy having an affair- wife here - girlfriend there- I guess they are in touch with their feminine side-lol

Men are surprisingly- not all the same. There are many that get infatuated with a girl, will place them on a pedestal and will hang around a long time waiting for dream girl to realize they are the one. They see themselves as determined, hear that persistence pays off thing in their head, and will do anything to get that certain desired women. As you said a lot of guys will NEXT, but quite a few won't- they'll hang around trying to get that girl they see as their "soul mate". And there are women that will take advantage - and we know- some women are pretty clever too.

Yes- no man (or women) is owed something just because he wants it- but usually these guys have been ASKED to do tons of stuff for a women and then do even more figuring that delaying gratification will pay off big in the end and then finding out the truth - and get the "I'm just not into you" treatment,. This is the point where nice guy turns into jaded angry dude. For some its a point of discovery- never put anybody on a pedestal that high.

But as I've realized that I'll never understand a woman's life totally- women should never think they know everything about men's lives either.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 355
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:00:50 AM
I never date a co-worker, and even when I have changed jobs, the males have stayedin the friends section. This is my reasoning for not feeling romantically attracted to my male friends:

1)I have seen the woman they date or the 1 NightStand,and heard them detail their night until they remember I am disgusted.

2)I lump male friends with the same feelings Ihave to my brothers.
 lawnguy2
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 358
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:18:20 AM
no my opinion is i think there keeping there optoins open for something better to come along....................
 smithwhitehawk1
Joined: 5/26/2007
Msg: 359
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/9/2009 12:19:03 PM
Re : msg 382 Truetemp1
Gotta say, very interesting letter, and written by a woman as well.Not usual to see
them turn against the sisterhood and tell a dirty little secret.You can bet they made
the writer turn in her Princess of power club card over that one.
Women ,but not all thank God,can be just like the article proposed. I guess since
most women are just naturally good at networking the thought of having an undatable
but otherwise perfectly good male go unused would be unthinkable.
This is the two ladder theory at work, and I have seen it at work first hand.Never again.
I can be friend with a woman only if she plays by the same rules as my guy friends.
No free meal or fake dates, it's dutch unless you are paying for me an equil amount
of the time.
Don't ask 'do I look fat in this outfit' unless you want the truth.
No coy sexy flirtations for attention or to get something you want.
I will not listen to you complain about who you date,Im going to tell you to date
better caliber men.
Last but not least ,If I get the I think we should just be friends speach, Im gone from her life like a puff of smoke in a windstorm. Not hanging around to get used.
Hawk
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 362
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/10/2009 7:18:07 AM
Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread, just this page, so I'm throwing things out that may have already been discussed.
IMO, sometimes women string men along more out of "not wanting to hurt him" than "straight-up ego". Not wanting to hurt him means they give him indirect messages about how they are 'just friends' - not realizing, perhaps, that indirect messages do not communicate to the more direct and succinct typical male communication style and are viewed as 'mixed messages'.

If more women realized that indirect messages (mixed messages) were cruel, perhaps they would bite the bullet and give men a straight-up, clear indication that there was no hope.

Of course, although many don't realize it, their desire not to hurt another person is related to their ego. They want to view themselves as a good/kind/nice person who doesn't intentionally hurt another person. Wanting to hold onto your self image as a nice person certainly has ego involved in it.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 364
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/10/2009 3:29:51 PM

Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread, just this page, so I'm throwing things out that may have already been discussed.
IMO, sometimes women string men along more out of "not wanting to hurt him" than "straight-up ego". Not wanting to hurt him means they give him indirect messages about how they are 'just friends' - not realizing, perhaps, that indirect messages do not communicate to the more direct and succinct typical male communication style and are viewed as 'mixed messages'.

If more women realized that indirect messages (mixed messages) were cruel, perhaps they would bite the bullet and give men a straight-up, clear indication that there was no hope.

Of course, although many don't realize it, their desire not to hurt another person is related to their ego. They want to view themselves as a good/kind/nice person who doesn't intentionally hurt another person. Wanting to hold onto your self image as a nice person certainly has ego involved in it.


ItsMargo - nice post - a few good messages in there. There are things girls could do better BUT there is also things guys could do better. A lot of the time its the guy that's not sending direct enough messages either. They wait around waiting to get a REALLY clear signal the girl is interested and sometimes when indirectly rebuffed, they just keep at it, thinking the girl may magically change her mind. Also some girls aren't really as perceptive of a guy's intention, figuring that most guys are very direct and figuring if he wants to date, he'll just ask.

Akkimbo- Read what I wrote- I clearly stated this is not all women- so it's not supposed to be a "generalization" and yes there are a lot of good women out there too. Just like guys and people in general- some good- some not so good. The reponse of some of the other posters shows this kind of thing happens- sometimes.

Amboyance- good post with a differnet take - I believe this is the case quite a bit too.

Guys and girls can take away a few things from the funny little article I posted.

Guys- be clear with a girl, man up and tell her you want to date. If you choose to keep hanging around her afterward and she dates others and you feel hurt- time to walk away. Your not really her friend. If your getting pulled in and then pushed back- your getting used.

Girls- examine those relationships with guy friends, be really sure that's all it is- and as a poster early said- Any girl that'll help her guy buddy out with the ladies - is a great friend. But if you find your just keeping this guy around, always there for you when other relationships go sour, perhaps sabotaging his attempts at relationships with others- your doing him and yourself a disservice. You may find yourself not giving your the relationships you really want a chance, cutting them short and running back to comfort- and wasting both peoples time.

Guys own part of this problem as well as the girls. It can turn into an unhealthy dynamic if left lingering too long. Be honest with yourself and try to do what is right.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 365
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/10/2009 5:35:35 PM
Having about 1/2th of the women around as just buds can work. If they're part of your truly private life maybe 1/5th, even if its ultra frustrating when they're uber babes. I always thought that this might lead to meeting their friends - that's a dead end.

Still if one of the non-gf gf's ever say - you've gotta 'whatever'.. just do it.
 guyinacorner
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 367
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:43:16 PM
no man ever wants a girl as a friend. thats why he has the boys. he only says he wants to be friends so he can keep trying to nail her or be with her or whatever.
women want to be friends because all though not attracted to him they still love the attention. and want it to continue. they dont want to be friends they just want to lead a guy on for their own selfish reasons. (really cruel thing to try and pull)

guys and girls really cant be friends. they always have selfish/alterior motives

if someone wants to be with you and you dont than pulling the old lets be friends is a cruel and mean thing to do
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 369
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:41:04 PM
In all honesty, I have guys who are friends, that I talk to at dinner parties, or when I see them out, but the guys that I hang out with and truly dish with are all gay. Straight guys that I've had friendships with and tried to hang out with have all eventually tried to sleep with me. Even my straight roommate, with whom I had a very long friendship, got drunk one night and wanted to sleep with me 'Just to see where it went, and how good it would be'. Geez, already.
I still talk to guys that I've dated over the years, we talk about relationships, kids, work, all sorts of things, but invariably they always turn things around to seeing if there is a possibility of us hooking up again. That's why I keep contact with them to a minimum and I try to keep a friendly glass wall between us.
I have a saying, "You don't f*ck your friends", and I believe it to be true. Anyone you've ever had sex with is not a candidate for platonic sex. It just doesn't work, in my experience.
Beth
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 370
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/14/2009 3:00:53 AM
One poster said that being friends w/the opposite sex is being self-fish which I find untrue.

My best male friend and I have gone through a whole lot of crap together that his now wife would never have been able to deal with. She use to be jealous of us until she learned our secret to a nonsexual/nonromantic relationship. Him and I use to work together, and a couple guys tried to jump us. My friend is smaller than me, but way stronger, and he knocked theguy who had me in a chokehold out. After that, we were inseparable. I did my part by making sure he married the lady who took the time to first get to know me, and then become friends with me.

Well, him and I still shoot pool and go bowling, but I always ask his wife to come with us. I have never wanted to have a romantic relationship with him, and I hope the feeling is mutual.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 371
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 8/14/2009 8:01:23 AM

Well, him and I still shoot pool and go bowling, but I always ask his wife to come with us. I have never wanted to have a romantic relationship with him, and I hope the feeling is mutual.


Very doubtful.

The only reason he's only 'friends' with you now is because he's married. Once they get divorced, or given the right circumstances, he'll be all over you like a wasp to watermelon.....

 Nathan_x
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 374
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 9/17/2009 4:09:56 PM
I sorta disagree with the premise. I do think women crave friendships with the opposite sex more than men do, on average... but I don't think women take it any easier when they ARE attracted to a male friend who isn't interested. I personally have lost a few female friends for that reason.

On this topic... it's been documented that women report dreaming about male characters(in their sleep) significantly more than men report dreaming about female characters. This sounds counter intuitive, right? because men are supposed to be sex crazed... but the reason is women dream of men a lot more in non-sexual/non-romantic contexts than men dream about women. As minor characters in a dream, for example. Whereas men tend to be a lot more single minded when they do dream about women.

I think it says something about how differently men and women view the opposite gender's role in their lives.
 MoralStand
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 375
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 9/17/2009 4:29:58 PM
I can be friends with a guy but if I have been close to him it can be hard to back away if there is chemistry. What if I just broke off the relationship because on the logical side of things we weren't compatible ENOUGH..then I feel like why feel so drawn if I don't have to. I could be like aquaintences are but that is it.

If I am am attracted to a guy I like to kinda start as friends with some to be sure because you don't want a strong bond or time committment with someone until you know them. Sex, for one thing can kinda temporarily blind you in ways and you can feel like that person so much more. Some logic again, is good. It's not all about heart and desire.
 mleffers
Joined: 8/25/2009
Msg: 376
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:50:36 PM
its an evolutionarily evolved extension of the primate females to find alpha males with good genes to father their children while they seek out the lower genetic males to Dad their children. If females can maintain enough male special friends then they can hope to have good males help care-take and raise their offspring, sometimes the trade-off for this can be sex.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 383
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Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 9/19/2009 11:16:20 PM
Same way YOU want to be just friends with that girl you are not really attracted to.
 Whatyouc
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 386
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 9/21/2009 1:44:29 PM
I can only speak for myself, but I have some very attractive female friends with whom I wouldn't dream of risking the relationship by allowing it to become romantic or sexual.
Women communicate on a deeper level than men in most cases.
They aren't afraid to show their feelings or to be vulnerable.
Guy time is great, but somewhat shallow for the most part.
Sometimes it's nice to have someone that you trust to talk to about your deeper feelings.
There aren't that many male friends that I feel comfortable dropping my guard completely with.
I've heard women say the same about other women.

I have a very close female friend that is a knockout, but she has issues with insecurities etc that make her undatable for me. She is too needy, and I know that would be a deal breaker for me.
She recognizes this, largely due to our openness and accepts it, and is trying hard to work on it to improve her romantic relationships.
I try to help to help her understand the male perspective and vice versa.
I believe it makes us both better people.
I love her company, and enjoy talking with her.
I'd do anything in the world for her and I'd trust her with anything.
I just know that taking things to the next level would ruin our friendship.
I know she would drive me crazy just like I have seen her do to other guys, so I'm happy to have her as my friend.

I also have a couple of X lovers that I remain friends with.
They are both engaged at this point and I wish them all the best.
We'll see if the friendship can survive long term, but for now I'm very happy to still have them in my life as just friends.
Sometimes the friendship turns out to be the best and most enduring part of a relationship.
Why should we have to throw that out the window when we move on?
We know each other better than most anyone. We accept and care about each other even knowing all of our flaws.
So we weren't the perfect fit to spend our lives together.....
Does that have to mean we can't salvage the friendship?

What it comes down to is that male or female we all all just human.
We have differences, strengths and weaknesses common to our gender.
We can learn from each other and understand the opposite sex better by having other gender friends.
Anyone who doesn't is probably going to struggle to keep a relationship working long term.
Maybe when the right one finally shows up, it could help me to be the best I can be for her, and to understand all those little confusing quirks for what they are. Just part of being a woman.

 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 388
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 12/20/2009 5:24:32 PM
Testosterone ... Duh! Find a girl with a mustache!
 Islands1
Joined: 8/19/2006
Msg: 391
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 1/31/2012 6:04:41 PM
I'd like to speak on this because it's been bothering me for many years.

I'm pretty experienced with life and with women. When I was younger, I thought that it was okay to have girl/friends. Oops. I later discovered that the only girls that it's cool to be friends with are your friends' girlfriends and wives and your co-workers (at work only).

I was friends with a girl for 15 years. I fell totally in love with her after a few years. I lost my senses totally. Even after she turned gay, I loved her more than anyone. She was Juliet. She was perfect. Eventually, I told her straight up. We were cool. We were still friends. We still did our thing together (backrubs included). A while later, I told her that I had to leave her in my past and I walked away. I still have dreams about her and I would be with her if she asked me (in a second).

Absolutely heart-breaking and permanently scarring.

I had another girl/friend that tried to use me for money. She blatantly asked me for money (a week or so after she gave me the, "Let's be friends," talk). Not even a loan, just, "Can I have X amount of dollars?" I changed my phone number immediately. I already knew better.

I have friends. I hunt and fish with my friends. I shoot with my friends and I talk politics and women with my friends. We are extremely offensive, too offensive for 95% of women to tolerate. We do things together physically that would injure most women. We walk for entire days. We kill and skin animals. We even get into the odd fistfight (if you do that with your girl/friend, your domestic battery charges will be the same as if she was your wife). I do not grow attracted to my friends as time passes by. We laugh, we fight, we borrow money from each other and we pay it back, we BBQ, we have beers. We're all guys and we have a great time. We forgive each other. We never use each other. We do not gossip about each other or purposefully try to screw each other over. We don't feel jealous when we see each other with sexual partners. We don't give each other backrubs. We usually don't even give sympathy. We usually laugh at each other's hardships (unless it's something totally horrible). I don't consider anyone my friend until I call them "Brother".

I can be a woman's aquaintance. I can be nice to a woman when I encounter her through a chance meeting because of one of my friends or relatives or because of my work. But I'll never call her up and say, "Hey buddy! You wanna come blast some rabbits and drink some beers after? I need to talk to you about your girl's friend too. She's so hot! She got such a nice *too offensive to type*!..."

That's who I am. If you're a girl and I'm your friend without a direct connection from another friend or relative or workplace, than I'm being totally fake. I'm waiting for you (I don't even do that anymore because the years have given me confidence; I totally refuse any female friendship). I'm not polite to my friends nor am I gentle with them because polite and gentle is not fun, though I am both polite and gentle with the women I date.

When I speak to women, I edit and filter what I say. I have to. And that means that I am not your friend.

So I guess I'll keep looking and I'll always look like a jerk whenever I say, "No, thank you. I don't want to be your friend. I wish you all the best. Goodbye."

But I'm not a jerk. I just don't want to get my heart pulled out (again). And I'm not getting any younger. I want to find a wife, not a lesbian to smoke pot and get drunk with or a little urban-style girl that lives in a reality that's totally different from mine. And the truely sad part is that I have more examples. I just picked two. I don't want to write a novel here.

This may have been the most depressing thing I've ever written. I want to go have a beer with one of my Brothers now.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 392
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 2/1/2012 6:09:47 AM
I don't understand the question, really. I have men friends and women friends. My men friends are just that, friends. They have never made a sexual advance on me, nor I towards them. We share ideas in conversation, we go for walks together, and drink coffee together. No big deal. Me being friends with them is not a substitute for sexual relationships, from either perspective. This is just as well, otherwise we would be endlessly playing flirting games, rather than just getting on together as friends.
 Michelangelo1976
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 394
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:31:33 AM
"So please listen to the message that I send, dont ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend." - Biz Markie

Most of the time when I've dated someone who wanted a slew of male friends, concidentally, and like clockwork, they also had a horrible history with their father, and 99 percent of the time, they wound up falling for one of these "friends". Conveniently, if I introduced a female friend, it was a big problem for my SO.

I don't understand why men are considered to be the ones that can't resist temptation when it's the married women that are falling for their friends. Beginning to believe women just wanna have their twinkies and eat em too.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 395
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:17:05 AM
I love my girl talk as much as anybody, but when the day is done I want to be cuddling up with my honey (male).
 What_He_Said
Joined: 1/11/2012
Msg: 396
Guys don't want to be just friends, but girls do, why is that?
Posted: 2/9/2012 4:06:10 AM
Some pretty insightful posts. Some funny. Some serious.

As was said before, if you looking for something other that friends, then you were not what she was looking for. For whatever reason you get relegated to the friends zone. An up or out sort of mentality. Not a good place to be. It also becomes somewhat socially difficult to boot.

Although if that is what you were seeking from the beginning, then no harm no foul. It doesn't happen all that often, for a variety of reasons. But it does occur from time to time.

On a lighter note, one reason that women like you as friends is that they can ask you to help them move heavy stuff that they often can't do by themselves. It seems that is when you sometimes hear from some of them.

Besides if she does see you as a friend, then by all means ask her to introduce you to a few of her cute, smart available friends. After all, you were only friends with her, so there shouldn't be an issue with her doing her best to do so? Right??

Interesting post.
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