Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Open Marriages      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Genghis_John
Joined: 10/13/2005
Msg: 46
Open Marriages (call me luv)Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
mom of 2

most of your post was simply your personal feelings and what little wasn't, was questions on which things have been covered. As for your assumptious statements of what I 'want', they are just that...assumptions.

granted I didn't read all the posts


no...you didn't. you should do that madam
 Genghis_John
Joined: 10/13/2005
Msg: 47
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 11:30:19 AM
Carol

first and foremost, again, as stated previously, most of what you're saying is just assumption, ignorant and of absolutely no relevance. you madam lack the intelligence to do anything other than make assumptions and cut people down because they see things differently than yourself, I find that you are an ugly person, whom I do not wish to speak with again, so do refrain from posting here if at all possible, as they will be ignored.

Any other questions about my past, feel free to mail me, I'll be more than happy to tell you all the details since your life is so boring, that you must come up with your own little stories in your head as to what happened and them put them into context.

It is my honest opinion that you should have above a 5th level reading comprehension before attempting to speak on your own, unsupervised.

you should attempt to evaluate yourself before trying to do it to someone else, some of us will be more than happy to assist you on that front madam.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 48
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 1:01:00 PM

Do you have children and are they aware of your lifestyle?"
Excellent question...we do not have children. but if we did, they would be made full aware, I would refuse to keep my children in the dark about anything, I would not tell them lies.


This is nuts. There is NO reason for children to be privy to their parents sex-life. NONE. Take it from someone who was unwillingly privy to info about her parents sex-life by way of a nasty divorce.

THIS IS NOT info a kid needs.

You'd not be LYING to your kids.. it is actually NONE of their business.
 vhdc
Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 49
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:02:30 PM
Sorry Codeout 3 people in a marriage is one two many no matter how loving and caring you try to paint it.
 CEO of Hoagie Inc.
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 50
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/8/2007 12:41:23 AM
Since Mick and Code seem to be well versed and articulate in this "lifestyle", perhaps one or both of you can answer this question, what led to you wanting this "lifestyle"?
What was it that your s/o wasn't providing you with all of a sudden to make you seek outside love/satisfaction?

I would really like to know as I am sure others here would as well.
 Genghis_John
Joined: 10/13/2005
Msg: 51
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/8/2007 4:14:34 AM

Meet for fun and frolic but go home and face your own dirty washing and chores.

thats not an Open Marriage...thats swinging.
 jimc23
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 52
sex vs love
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:19:07 AM
while a immensly complex topic, I think the issue can be summarized as a difference between sex and love. There can be sex with love, and sex without it, but the two are seperate items that can be joined. I always had a hard time thinking that way of my partner, since it felt that for them to have sex with someone else, meant they didn't love me. However, when I consider my own behaviour, I truly believe I can have sex with others without loving them. So, if thats true for me, it must also be true for my lady.

In a relationship its easy to become too dependent on your partner, relying on them for your own emotional health. Each of us are responsible for that ourselves I think, and being co-dependent versus dependent is a huge difference. Sex is a physical and emotional needs each of us (man and women) have. Seperating the reliance on this from each other, can actually strengthen a relationship, if done with love and mutual respect being the first priority, and sex with others being secondary. When looking between the surface of why sex and marriage should be closed, it really boils down to a undercurrent of ownership. We belong to each other type of thing. I think that thinking, sexually or otherwise, leads to the demise of relationships, much more than the issues caused by an open relationship.

My wife and I do have an open relationship, and have each had encounters with others, after discussing with each other. I love her so much for many reasons, in part because she allows me to not have to deny my sexuality.
 Genghis_John
Joined: 10/13/2005
Msg: 53
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 2:26:52 AM

I can't count the number of times the police have been called at our local bar because some couple with an "open relationship" decided to hit the other with a bottle or stab them in the leg, because they didn't approve of thier partner's choice that evening to swing with.


this has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than the two immature and violent people....
 Teddybear for you
Joined: 8/23/2006
Msg: 54
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 6:13:49 AM
It is interesting to read the OP's posts. Each and Every post goes on about what HE wants and needs. He obviously does not give a rats ass about his wife or any other woman he beds.. He claims to love and care for all these women, but he is so SELFISH, that I do not see how that is even possible. I think he is in love with himself and himself only.
Hopefully his wife will wake up and smell the coffee and get the hell out. She deserves to be with someone who loves her and is truly devoted to her and it is clear this guy is not at all capable of that.
Once a cheater always a cheater!
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 55
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 6:32:07 AM

Jealousy is an innate emotion and the only way to not experience it is not to give a damn about whom you are with.


I must not have ever loved or given a damn about anyone I've ever been with.

Hmm.. sounds odd.. Why would I have been with them then... without jealousy creeping up on me a bunch of times? Hmm, could it be that it IS possible to not be a jealous person?

I guess it must be. Unless of course, I just don't exist.

And who knows with some of the logic (or lack of) that flies around... maybe I don't exist.

While I can see how hedonism in the extreme, with regards to playing fast and loose with our bodies can spread STDs, kill marriages, spread distrust, etc... I am having a bit of trouble seeing how it affects weather... help me out?

I think these Open Marriages do work for some people. Sometimes, it can be enough to have someone constant in your life.. splitting responsibilities, expenses, companionship, etc. I personally think it's ridiculous.. but note that I said ridiculous and not wrong. Who am I to say, really? I know it ain't nearly enough for me. If I'm your wife and I'm not giving you enough sex, for example... leave. Find someone who will. They're out there.

I myself am somewhat hedonistic. I follow my libido sometimes.. ok a lot of times, but I follow it whilst still sticking to these commandments that have been mentioned... and I'm not even Catholic (hell, I'm not even close). I follow them because I happen to agree with them and that's the kind of sweet b*tch I am. Not because some big daddyguy from up above says (to quote a movie), "Do it and I'll f*cking spank you!".
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 56
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 7:38:08 AM
Here's the thing malstyne...

You don't know me. Nor the rest of the population, so just because YOUR ex'es and friends are jealous... though they claim not to be... has absolutely NO bearing on what I and the rest of the population are like.

I think that's pretty simple logic...

You can't speak for all.. so don't.

More logic for you.
 Miss Angele
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 57
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 7:51:30 AM
OP
ok let me see if i have this correct first you said

"so if you don't agree with what people do, fine thats great, but don't become rude about it."

Then you said

Now I know some people, especially in the south, would say "that ain't right!" and go on to quote their bibles and such...to those ignorant people I say this: Peter had numerous wives, as did SEVERAL others in your bible....so zip it...These are the same people who said "that ain't right!" in regards to homosexuality, interracial marriages, desegregations and the abolition of slavery...

So anyone who disagrees with you , is
1 probably from the south
2 ignorant
3 quoting the bible inacuractly according to your interpetation
4 also stand against homosexuality, interracial marriages, desegregations and the abolition of slavery

In your own words once more

"if you don't agree with what people do, fine thats great, but don't become rude about it."

These are the words of a hypicryte. You disgust me not only on the lvl of lack of respect you have for your maridge vows but for the lack of enough self respect to practice what you preach, by treating those who disagree with you in a derogatory manner. Perhaps your wife agreed to the open marridge cause she is hoping to get rid of you?
I didn't need to read any farther you sumarized exactly what I expected from a person wanting an "open marridge" fine representation of self centeredness.

Oh one last quote for you OP.... if you have nothing inteligent to offer....

....zip it...
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 58
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 8:33:05 AM
I can speak for all the people I have met and all the people they have met, etc. and that's even better.


No it isn't. Speaking for those you know... while fine and probably accurate, isn't even remotely a good enough means to speak for the multitudes of people you don't know. Like the rest of the planet. In your circle, commenting on your own friends' actions, I'm more than positive that you're accurately assessing them. You KNOW them.

But you can't possibly speak for EVERYONE.

Your claiming not to be jealous is a weak argument. Someone whom was with you claiming that you were not jealous would be a better one.


Weak? So I don't know myself? I don't know whether or not I've ever been jealous? I don't know my own feelings? Is that what you're telling me?

Hahahaha...

Oh and aside from just not having the jealous feelings... most every guy I've dated has commented to me either after or during the relationship how cool it was that I wasn't the jealous-type.

I honestly can't help that people you know have lied to you about this. It's not my problem.

I should also say that I don't know many jealous people either. I don't know if that's because I attract non-jealous types as friends and lovers or what... but it's true. I feel lucky.

You like that word logic eh? Do you fancy yourself a philosopher?


Eh?

I'm not a philosopher at all. I don't see logic having that much to do with philosophy, personally.. not right away, at least. Sure, I'm keen on gathering the knowledge and what-not, but generally the logic comes after that in my mind. You know.. when it's time to APPLY the knowledge. Plus I'm a burgeoning programmer... so Logic is like my KING. Or some sentiment less dorky.

This is how I know what I am and am not.

If I've never felt a twinge of fear or anger upon seeing my man talking to or hanging out with another woman, then obviously I'm not jealous.. worried.. etc. about this turn of events.

Is/was it because I trusted my guy and his feelings for me? It/was it because I know he's chatty and talks to everyone, every chance he gets? Is/was it because I'm confident enough in myself to assume that he doesn't want anyone else?

Probably all of the above. But obviously, having actual feelings of jealousy are required to be a jealous person. I've yet to have these feelings.

Your argument is a "Converse Accident" in philosophical terms if anything.


Hmm.. maybe it's just because I don't want to, but I can't really see it that way.

I mean, I am talking about a feeling that I know I've never felt. If I've never felt the feeling (and who would know but me?), then how is it false?

If we were talking about something that I couldn't pinpoint.. know for sure.. then ok.. I could see your point.

Like for example.. how do I know I will NEVER EVER get jealous in the next 30 years? I don't. All I do know is so far... no go. And it's been almost 37 years.

And actually... while I know the majority of people would feel some jealousy with this open marriage concept... that isn't even why I think it's a poor idea. Though jealousy is on the list of why... it's near the bottom.

 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 59
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 9:07:54 AM
^^

What is it with people telling me about myself?

I've been in love a few times, FYI... truly in love. For you to tell me I haven't, without knowing me at all.. says way more about you than it ever will about me.

I simply choose to trust people until and ONLY until, I have no reason to trust them. I don't worry about who my man's talking to... or when... or why.

If anything, the lack of jealousy is BETTER for all parties. All jealousy is is anger and fear and insecurity.

Why some of you feel that this negative feeling is a valuable part of a relationship and is REQUIRED... otherwise love is impossible... truly boggles the mind. And disgusts me.

It makes absolutely NO sense to tout jealousy as a positive... and to further tout it's absence as proof one has never loved anyone.

Beyond ridiculous. There aren't even the proper words in existence to accurately describe the ridiculousness in that line of thinking.

 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 60
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 9:23:27 AM
^^ I don't worry or assume it's heading to his cheating on me. That's paranoia... not vulnerability.

Feeling jealous is NOT positive. It never will be.

If I've ever felt anything upon seeing my BF talking to another woman, it'd be curiosity. As in, "who's that" assuming I don't already know the woman. I care what he's doing, even why he's doing it, but I don't attach all these negative issues to that caring. It makes no sense to do that.

There's no reason to feel a twinge of jealousy if I trust someone... it's counter-productive and stupid, honestly.

I am a logical person. I have tons of feelings.. some of them even conflict now and then, but the unfounded, negative ones... no use for them. They harm.. they don't help. They aren't healthy. I'm missing out on nothing by not feeling jealous.

In fact, I'm enjoying a stress-free relationship my way... and yes... a LOVING one.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 61
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 9:24:01 AM

The people on here that are into open marriages have said the same thing consistently. ITS NOT ABOUT SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ya know.. practitioners say that, but I can't really see how it isn't. Not to mention... in my mind... sex would be the ONLY reason to enter into such an arrangement.

Know what I mean? If the libidos are totally mismatched, but there's no absence of love, enjoyment in being together (non-sexually), etc.

What IS it about? I mean, I'm not calling bull$hit or anything... I guess what it is in my mind is this: If it's NOT about sex.. then why bother?


Also it is ALL about the women. Basically if you look into other cultures where multiple wives are allowed, then there is one rule you have to follow. If you have multiple wives then they all have to be provided for equally.


In this culture, you can't marry more than once. While I understand the rules... In the US and Canada... this rule has to be followed without benefit of marriage.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 62
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 10:59:05 AM
^^

Oh no. I definitely do see a difference. I do see where they converge, too.

Swinging, in my mind... is for BOTH. Open marriages, in my mind... happen when libidos are mis-matched, but the desire to be together/love is not mis-matched. It benefits one more than the other.. from the outside, at least. Swinging pretty much benefits both sides of the couple.


So lets take a small example.


It didn't really clear anything up for me, I have to admit.

It's got to be down to my own ideas on what relationships should be.. my relationships, that is. I have the luxury of being unlikely to lag behind my man in libido. I have the luxury of more or less being in the same head-space as my SOs at any given moment in our relationships. I have the luxury of being attracted to whoever the hell I want and never acting on it simply out of respect, my own morals and knowledge that I'm super keen on whoever it is I've got at home.

Until such time as I can't take any of the above for granted, I figure I'll be unlikely to understand.

Remember.. I'm not so much against this lifestyle as I am just totally unsure of the point in it.

People do what they do and hopefully everyone involved is ok with this. I'm cool with that part. I understand that we may all need or want different things and are willing to compromise or accept stuff to be with the one we love. All good.

I've never been in a literal Open Relationship (I don't use the term marriage as I've never been married), but I think technically.. when I first start seeing someone.. I assume/know/accept.. that it's possible that I'm not the only girl he's seeing. I'm fine with this. I am probably doing the same thing. For me... until the subject of being exclusive is broached... we're not.

That's probably a tad bit stretching it, but it's similar on some level.
 chauntie
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 63
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 11:25:26 AM
people dont know what marriage is these days marriage is about two people who are truely in love and no snit on the side. ughhhh!!!! people these days.
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/9/2007 2:01:42 PM
The Bible is not the word of God IMHO since it was written, rewritten, and edited by dozens of men over centuries. Marriage is an institution, and in this world of ours a monogamous one.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 65
view profile
History
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/10/2007 1:30:44 AM
Whatever floats your boat ... I don't share any man with other women. I've lived my entire life without ever having an STD and I sure don't need that now.

I can't snuggle and cuddle with a man if I don't have "feelings" for him and so I honestly just don't know how others do that. Seems really cold to me to want to be with anyone other than your wife. But I do know people exist who can turn their faucets errr "feelings" on and off like that. I generally try to avoid them like I'd avoid sleeping on a cactus.

So your wife is not a "touchy-feely-snuggle-cuddle" kind of person ... and that's something you desire. Were you married before you discovered her lack of "touchy-feely-snuggle-cuddle"? Did you discuss that aspect of your relationship with her before you married her?

OR

You knew of her lack of "touchy-feely-snuggle-cuddle" and just thought you could change her? Now that it hasn't turned out ... just take the "touchy-feely-snuggle-cuddle" elsewhere?

What you do in your bedroom (or in another's bedroom) is really no business of ours. We didn't have to know all of your personal details. I think you could have presented this in a different context. But then again if you had done that, all of the posters on POF wouldn't know that you are looking for some "booty" on the side.

Can anyone spell "BROADCASTING"? I think the thread should be deleted for that reason and if you still want to discuss it ... find a different way to put it out there that won't draw attention to your own personal gain.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 66
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/10/2007 6:02:02 AM
@Mariachi: It is because you see the relationship down to your own ideas on what relationships should be...


That is why I don't see the point of open marriages. Nothing more.

A few of you NEED to stop telling me what I've felt and haven't felt. You couldn't possibly have the first clue. I'm not going to sit here and be told I've never been in love simply because I'm not the type to get jealous.

Period.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/10/2007 10:16:24 AM
"Genghis_John " ... This is a 27 year old man who states he is European with blond hair … does that hair look blond to you?

He is married (he admits that in the Original Post) and is seeking a woman for "dating".

He states he has been married for "nearly 7 years" … so he got married at about the age of 20 to a woman who is not interested in all that much sex or physical contact with him.

He has been a member of POF since October 2005. So he's already been at this for 2 years ... meaning that this "looking for a date with another woman thing" didn't just start recently ... meaning that it started after only 5 years of marriage.

This is what he writes as "First Date":
This is a bit of a different type of answer.... on a realistic first date, we would most likely go out, have some dinner, catch a show, then maybe go to the lake and just sit and chat for a few hours, getting to know each other, laughing and bonding.

on a perfect first date:
I would drink in her beauty, and know that Beauty isn't how tight one's ass is, nor is it the size of one's boobs...beauty, and I mean true beauty is how you treat someone, it's how you act, it's how you make someone feel when you're around, and most importantly, how you make them feel when you're not around...for the hair fades and falls and the skin wrinkles, but the heart and soul tarnish not. ....I would, in a perfect date, hold her so tight that I could feel her heartbeat against my own, I would feel her warm breath on my neck as we just lay there and look up at the stars, I would get to hear her laugh, see her smile, I'd envelope myself in her eyes and drown myself in her soul.


His "mail settings" are:

older than 18
Live within 75 miles.
Soooo ... he does want her to be of "legal" age but does not want to drive any further than 75 miles for his "booty" on the side.

***We only have his version of the situation ... not his wife's.

***I wonder if she even knows he's on here looking.

***I think the OP posted this thread to draw attention to the fact that he's looking for "booty" on the side.

I think the OP is just posting this thread to "Contact-Broadcast" himself and that's against the forum rules.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts141520.aspx


Do not Contact-Broadcast Yourself!
People that either create new Threads or post Messages to promote themselves on the *Forum to have someone(s) contact them .....
Sometimes they even make such Threads "To Get Other People's Opinions" for Advice about THEMSELVES ....
 TravisE
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 68
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/11/2007 12:30:30 PM

I have always been faithful and loyal.


I have been in an open relationship for 11 years that has been an open marriage for 7. What is an open relationship/marriage? It is exactly what I quoted from you above, with no added fluff. It is also open to physical and emotional relationships outside of the primary commitment. Primacy is what is important, not ownership or rules. Each couple needs to find what works for them. For my wife, and I, what works is always having each other be Primary, before all others. Everything else is discussed openly and plainly and handled on a case by case basis.
 TravisE
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 69
Open Marriages
Posted: 8/11/2007 12:32:26 PM

ALL THE BENAFITS WITH OUT THE RESPONCEABLITS


The responsibility is one of the benefits.
 TensawEagle1
Joined: 1/5/2007
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Open Marriages
Posted: 9/20/2007 1:13:04 AM
To the Op....

As you can see your thread is not going to get validation up here...

When it does become popular...I'm gone...

But, like another poster said, unless you said I vow to have others in "our marriage."

This type of life style would be considered breaking the vows.

Therefore this is nothing but adultery.

No matter how cool it may be thought of.

Personally, ain't no one touching my s/o, or me either...

Rick TensawEagle

btw: Could anybody tell me where the Bible went?
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Open Marriages