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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women? Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Back in the days of hunters and gatherers men would see a woman they liked, moved closer to talk to her, then got clobbered by her tribe. So men learned to survive by being A more aggressive, or develop that fear of the approach. Your problem is very normal. Particularly when you are talking about a woman you find very attractive. So you need to A get used to approaching women, B get used to rejection, C be able to flow naturally.

So, for starters you need to approach all women. That is beautiful women, ugly women, grandma, sales clerk, ALL OF WOMEN. Why? When you don't approach, then the only time you do, you choke up. If you approach everybody, and have something to say, or ask, or bring into their lives, then removes the fear of approach from your live, but also it gets rid of stupid bar lines. Instead you come across as a guy who just want to say hello and notice you as a person. What happens then is that when you approach the woman that you like and usually choke up, thus turning on her radar and the walls go up. Suddenly you are talking to her, like you don't care, so suddenly she may have an interest in You, because you are not all over her, but just talking.

Now B. Get used to rejection. Face it, you could be the best looking guy in the world and you are still going to get rejection. So get used to it. If you see rejection as failure, you will always fail. But let's say you go into a mall, and say to yourself. I am going to get rejected by 10 women. That is my goal today. You go and you try. But since you know don't care about the rejection part, you discover that along the way you could have a good time, and make her have a good time too.

Flow naturally. Be yourself. Introduce yourself ask genuine questions. And don't go saying the same thing that she probably heard the last 10 guys say to her. "Hey good looking, can I buy you a drink." NOT!

So good luck
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 11:15:27 AM

Well, what Lake78 described seems like a very specific form of social anxiety condition called “love shyness” (look it up on Wikipedia for more details). About 1% of men have it (including myself), and it makes approaching a woman you find attractive next to impossible due to severe anxiety that is triggered at the subconcious, emotional level.


Dude, now that you found a medical description to a problem that actually happens to A LOT of men, you have your great excuse to do NOTHING. How sad. It's up there with ADD and so many other things that we like to find a quick answer because we do not want to put the work that will solve the problem. Now let me give you an example, I am Dyslexic, been all my life, there's nothing I can to change that. So, do I go through life interposing numbers, letter, not being able to differentiate between left and right, vertical and horizontal, in and on? No. I find ways around it. First of all spell check everything. And then take each little element that affect that aspect of your life and find a way to overcome.

For instance in our case, you say that approaching a woman that you find ATTRACTIVE is next to impossible. First of all that happens to many many guys, second, remove the fact that is is attractive, or that you want to date her, or that she will reject you, and you will begin to have a better chance. Visualize in your head her having bad breath, very shy and kind of ugly. Then go talk to her. Make it your goal to maintain conversation for 5 minutes, then bail out. Could you do that? Yes you can. And at first it's going to be so difficult that you would rather get electric shocks that do that. So start by asking her a question. Observe, then go, Excuse me, your belt, is that something you got at the mall or some specialty boutique? Then take it from there.
 ffryan
Joined: 10/10/2005
Msg: 15
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 12:40:21 PM
Don't go looking for dates, just look for people that you have things in common with. Strike up conversations. Force yourself if you have to. Be polite and always be yourself. People get nervous when they try and impress others, so dont try. Just be yourself and anybody who doesn't like you can just wish the best for and move on.
 nollaigo
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 18
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 1:11:13 PM
i'm shy as well but there comes a time when you have forget about it and just go ahead and talk to women

they may knock you back or they might say yes to a date

you'll never know until you ask them
 kwh56
Joined: 8/7/2007
Msg: 22
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How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 7:44:11 PM
I always like my Dads theory about life in general...Go for it whats the worst thats going to happen.....You get told No? If you do pick yourself up and go for it again.....Your only a failure when you quit trying! Try long enough your going to win eventually LOL
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/11/2007 8:16:58 PM

Whereby, you need to do this as a mental practice of self-programming before you speak to a women that you wish to influence of being romantically attracted to you.

Best of success in your quest, just know that there are a limited resource of women desiring you as much as you them. And they just want to be convinced that you are the one for them by your self-confidence.


Dude I feel you. But a couple of things. Speak in simple English. Your verbiage is borderline legalize, thus the aforementioned extrapolations need to connect with a common populace. In other words, your average gal. Second, do whatever amount of self programing you want. But you just said something that will ensure that you will never, ever speak to a woman and this are your words "before you speak to a woman". You are doom by those words and you will remain doomed, because you perfectionist mind will never deem you ready to engage. Maybe I need to learn this one thing. STOP THAT. Simply engage. Remember, some people here said it already. Engage with the only objective to ENGAGE. You are not there to seduce them, or buy them a drink, you don't even find them attractive (even if they are super hot), simply engage. So even remove from your vocabulary the "wish to influence of being romantically attracted to you." When she rejects you. Think to yourself. Cool. I lasted 3 minutes. I lasted 10 minutes. I lasted one hour. Dude that chic was so into me I could not get rid of her. Small steps. Small goals. Everest is reached one rock at the time.

Now you say that there's a limited source of women desiring you. B@ll and a bunch of B@ll. There are tons of women desiring you. Unfortunately you are just looking at the hot chic with ten guys drooling over her. (You're not ready for her) But while you were being and idiot staring at her, you ignored the other four girls with her, and one or two were giving you the eye and thought you were kind of cute. "Hello big boy, do you have what it takes to please a woman," she is thinking. But you are lost in line afraid to connect, or running to the bar to buy them a drink.

Now people are going to tell you to be yourself. Again wrong. Did Tiger Woods became who he is by being himself? Not at the beginning, and what made him was practice, practice, practice, even now. That applies to any person doing any sport or any endeavor worth your time. In some sports you even end an event and tell others that you were plain out scared that you could die and you don't want to die. That simple. I've been there myself. Is that being yourself? F•vk no. Are you going to do it again? Hmmm. Hell yes! (Well, that's me, but suit yourself.) But the experience teaches you what to do so you are more confident the next time and the next time and the next time. Which goes back to a Tao saying that is so powerful and says "Do without doing." Thus it must flow naturally. So when you make it part of your fabric. You don't develop confidence and all that crap by reading the book, you got to test yourself, go out there. But you first must understand that there's only one failure, not the rejection, not even somebody making fun of you, or dishing you out. The only failure is not doing.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 27
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/12/2007 2:20:08 PM
Paul,

You ran for office? Good for you. However, some people are awesome in group settings but then on one on one they are incredibly shy. This happens to actors. James Earl Jones, the voice of CNN and Darth Vader, stutters so for him to be na na nannatural is something he had to overcome. So yes I agree with you that people say, grow some balls, be natural, be yourself, but how do you do that when the current you is not producing the results that you would like.

The problem is that a lot of times men are deadly afraid of what women would think of them. Every time they get shot down, their egos sink a little lower and lower and lower. Now think for a moment of the military. Tough men, real men, that can make decisions and what not. Naturals? Men with balls, right? Yet what is it that the military does the first day you get in. They demoralize the sh•it out of you, kick you in the a*ss, and rebuild you from scratch.

Same thing you do here. That is why you go out there and pursue. And the ladies are going to hate when I say this but you pursue not for them, you do it for you. You see an interesting woman, and you say to yourself, a) what can I learn from talking to her, b) how far can I go before she shoots me down, c) how can I make her interested in something about me?

Once you learn to do (a) you can move to (a) and (b), then (c) and then you should be able to establish a reason to get in touch later.

Enough said for now. So good luck dude.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 33
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/13/2007 11:36:28 PM
Over the last year - I have listened to hundreds of hours of self-esteem/confidence/pride information from the professionals.

Today I listed to a female (Susan Jeffers) on her ......

“Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway”

Over simplified she was saying ......

Most fear is based on - what if x happened

- what if I lose my job
- what if I lose my relationship
- what if he/she says no
- what if ..............

The answer to any and ALL fear is .....

“I can handle it”

The coolest thing I have ever heard - I heard right here on POF - a gal said someone said it to her one time.

"Do It Afraid"
 ncdamsel
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 34
How do I get a date if I am too shy to talk to women?
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:54:26 AM
well, you can apply to be on that new show on VH-1 the pick up artist, bet "mystery could help you be come a ladies man!!!!
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