|DEAR ABBYPage 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3)|
|I wonder if it was the low rider hip huggers with the thong showing out of the back, the tattoos and the wonderbra.... that sent these guys packing... |
I see so many women out there who are trying to look like teenieboppers... most men at 40-50 are still involved in the business world and may take on an exciting woman for the short haul.. but then will look at their lives to see if the woman fits into his world.. The lady in the article seems to be chasing the men.... giving off mixed signals... and without a personal identity...
Finding someone compatible at this stage of life is knowing yourself.... not doing the old throw yourself away for some man act.... most mature men have shed the woman who could only identify herself as being his partner.. they found it suffocating and finally had to say... I need my space!!!
Good luck with the thread.. very interesting discussion..
Posted: 9/2/2007 7:04:42 AM
|When did we get to be such cynics? I don't live in lala land, nor have I had much luck dating so far, but I refuse to condemn all men for being wastrels, lechers, or just not suited to me for one reason or the other.|
We are all people first with a myriad of problems, some past, some present, to deal with in our lifes. I firmly believe no one is all good, nor all bad. I figure when a man breaks off from me there is a reason. I take a careful look at myself to see if I have done something that might have been the problem, I don't dwell on it, but I do look to see if there is something I can improve about myself. I do NOT worry why he left - I am only responsible for my own actions.
We, both men and women, are going to like people who aren't the best choices for us, and we are going to end up disappointed. I refuse to give up hope that there may be someone out there that is right for me, and I for him. This may be lala land, but I am content to be here as it is a far happier place to be, than the alternative of believing in no one of the opposite sex. I really believe that when we give up hope, we give up living.
I intend to live life to the fullest with someone special or without, but I also refuse to give up hope. I will just keep on and frogs make good bait
Posted: 9/2/2007 7:43:58 AM
|+1 for CelticMist. What a great post (Msg 7). |
Especially "I do NOT worry why he left - I am only responsible for my own actions."
For everyone who wonders WHY someone left them, remember this:
The heart has reasons that even reason cannot understand.
Posted: 9/2/2007 8:02:39 AM
|Relationships of any sort can baffle even the best of us. Why? Because we know doggone well that we can't control other's behaviors. What we can control is our reactions to how others behave. Online dating, each and everyone of us will meet someone who pulls the disappearing act. We'll also meet people who are jerks. If you want the best in life, you have to determine that you are worthy of only the best and if someone gives you crap, you let them know that their behavior is intolerable, and if need be, show them the door.|
Posted: 9/2/2007 8:51:05 AM
|CDN guy, unfortunately, she automatically put in what society as usual looks to....physical attributes. |
Those of us that know better need to remember that she is describing what society thinks is important.
She hasn't learned to love herself yet....she still thinks that her outside is more important than her inside.....
CAN'T help it....we are told everyday what to look like...aren't we? Tuka
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:14:15 AM
|1) I'm willing to bet that a lot of women in their teens and 20s have had exactly the same experiences: the man who breaks it off and refuses to talk, the lecher, the shy man, the man who stands you up. I know that female friends of mine had similar experiences in their 20s.|
But women in their 20s are in demand, and KNOW they are in demand. TV and films keep telling them so. So do many posters on POF.
They also know they have time on their side. They look their best, and they have 50 odd years to live. At least, they don't think about getting sick, or an accident, just old age.
So even if several guys turn out to be bad dates, many young women will not worry knowing that there will almost certainly be another guy to date within a week.
2) Young men don't often have this attitude. Some young men are confident. But some young men don't yet know how to get women to date them, and suffer from all sorts of insecurities.
3) Imagine a drug was discovered, that could let you live another 30 years, and make you look at least as good as when you were in your 20s, every time you took a dose. It would be very expensive, true. But just imagine. It's been imagined and written about in many Science Fiction novels.
No-one would be worried about Mr Right. No one would be worried about looking old.
I think that everyone would just act like they are in their 2os, too, and just not worry about it, because if things don't work, you could meet someone else.
4) I do think that things have changed. Women date younger now. Sex on a first date seems to be acceptable. Sex seems to have become much more important in a relationship. So has appearance, especially men's appearance. Also, relationships seem to have a much shorter shelf life. Marriage is a lot less popular, it seems. Kids outside of marriage have become quite the norm. People are starting relationships younger and younger. I was on the bus the other day, and two girls of about 17 were complaining that girls are starting younger, and that one girl was bragging about her boyfriend and she was 11!
But things have not changed so much that the OP's experiences would have seemed out of place 20 years ago. Only one out of the 4 men was a lecher. The other 3 men would not have seemed out of place 20 years ago either, to my recollection.
5) However, even if we could all look like we were 20, and live forever, I still think that there would be 3 things that would be different between young and old:
6) The first thing that lots of young people have is inexperience. Often, they have never been in an abusive relationship for 8 years. Often, they have not been cheated on that often, or been beaten up, or other things. A lot of young people have never tasted love, or good sex. Certainly a lot of young women seem to complain that they've never had an orgasm.
So I find that as people get older, they don't want to date nearly as many people, in case they turn out to be abusive.
This seems to be especially true of women who dated dangerous and exciting men only to discover that these men were dangerous because a lot of people who hung around with them got into danger and got seriously hurt as a result. Also, it seems to be true of men who dated hot girls who turned out to be sleeping around, or playing games, or demanding their own way all of the time.
So our choices get smaller. Partly because we won't date abusive types any more, and partly because we are afraid of dating abusive types.
However, most people don't open themselves up to more types of people they wouldn't have dated in their 20s as a result, who aren't abusive.
8) The second thing that I find is that lots of people, young and old, seem to have changed their attitudes if they have had to bring up kids for 18 years. The sense of responsibility seems to knock the idea that casual sex is that great out of people.
Suddenly, the thrill of having sex is gone.
Also, the idea of jumping into a relationship seems to go too.
It does seem to me that once we've reproduced and brought kids to adulthood, we feel like we've done our job,and almost have the attitude that "now it's our time".
So we suddenly find that getting a relationship is not as big a priority as getting a GOOD relationship and things that were not as important when we were young, are much easier to find.
9) The third that happens is that as we get older, we get set in our ways more and more.
From what I saw even when I was young, as we get older, people separate into 2 types: those who get better with age, and those who get worse. It seems to be the minority who get better. So we have more dates who are more difficult to get on with.
10) The fourth and final thing that happens is that as we get older, there are less and less available mates to choose from.
I saw a web page that said that there is always a certain amount of men & women who have personality disorders that make them abusive in relationships and stay going in and out of relationships. As we get older, stable people (in this context, meaning people who do not have personality disorders which make relationships very difficult, "stable" being used for lack of a better word) pair up and stay with each other, but the people with personality disorders that make relationships difficult, form an LTR with someone, and then break up with them, leaving the stable person unhappy and single and the person with the disorder still single.
So the author concluded that there is a higher and higher percentage of these people as we get older and older.
Say that 10% of people have such personality disorders.
In our teens, most people are single, so 10% of people in their 20s are these types.
By the time we are in our 20s, a lot of stable people paired off. Now, by then, these types are 20%.
In our 30s, they could be 40%.
In our 40s, they could be 50%.
These people are always going to make things difficult. But the percentage rises as we get older and more "stable" people pair off and stay with each other for the long term.
That's why I elected when I hit 35, to become committed to the idea of self-development, especially in the areas where I am the weakest. After all, if I don't strengthen my weaknesses, I'll just get weaker and weaker, until eventually those areas of my life don't work at all, and I've discovered that all of my life is necessary for happiness and for ensured survival.
That's why I now follow the philosophy:
Use my strengths to get ahead, and build my weaknesses until they become my strengths. That way, I can only hope to improve and get more dates and not less.
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:18:10 AM
|....I think maybe we over analyze a situation. I've stopped trying to figure out all the "whys"...I used to think maybe its because I still have teens at home, that usually sends them running for the hills or mauybe they are scared of our Canadian winters, but who could blame them haha....But now with help, I figured it out, maybe "He just wasn't that into me".|
Posted: 9/2/2007 9:36:52 AM
|Message 18 from above..|
....I think maybe we over analyze a situation. I've stopped trying to figure out all the "whys"...Mae, a wise woman you are! I should move to Canada.. I actually MISS the northern winters!
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:08:56 AM
I know this is going to sound a bit silly, but I need your advice desperately. I just recently met this American guy on a dating site and he is thinking of moving to Canada, he says he misses the cooler climate. Isn't that cute? Anyway what should I do, should I invite him to come live with me or do you think I should give this relationship a little more time? Please advise as quickly as possible, not getting any younger ya know.
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:22:39 AM
I would give it more time. You should test him to make sure his intentions are true. Actions speak louder than words. Time will tell!
Thank you for your question.
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:35:50 AM
Thank you for your advice. Thats my problem with men I think...I tend to rush into things and maybe I'm scaring them. The last guy I went for coffee with never called me back...I'm wondering if it had anything to do with the fact I brought my family to meet him hmmm....
So ok, the next time I go out with I guy I'm going to ask him right off the bat what his intentions are.
...maeflowers in Canada
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:36:08 AM
....oops sorry, double post
Posted: 9/3/2007 8:04:56 AM
If he misses the cold winters so much, maybe we could share?! I need someone to keep me warm on those cold, cold nights that we "enjoy" up here.
By the way, to any leches that might be reading this thread. I'm just joking!!!!
Posted: 9/3/2007 10:22:05 AM
If he misses the cold winters so much, maybe we could share?! I need someone to keep me warm on those cold, cold nights that we "enjoy" up here.
So what do you think about sharing a boyfriend? I actually think it could work...I'm good at at making schedules and I think if we follow it there should be no problems. It can certainly have its' advantages...like when I don't feel like "doing it" well then she could and visa versa....sounds like a good plan. I only hope hes ok with it.
maeflowers in Canada
Posted: 2/3/2009 4:12:09 PM
Quit analyzing "why" men do or don't do what you want them to. If you do, rest assure that you will be carried off by men & women wearing "the white jacket". Yes, you will have to kiss a few frogs before you can kiss the prince, but kissing those ol frogs not give you warts. What those frogs may give you, is a sharper definition of what you seek out in your next partner. There are those frogs, whose legs will try to be all over you. Step up to the plate and tell them to kiss off, if that is your choice & principles.
Meanwhile, go out and have some fun. There's no hard & fast rule book that say you've got to settle down again. Enjoy your new freedom, celebrate life, and you will find THE ONE!
Posted: 2/3/2009 6:15:06 PM
|i suggest you read books about dating. its like anything else. takes practice.|
look up sheri argov- author. great books
Posted: 2/3/2009 7:26:39 PM
I am a 40-something-year-old woman... she couldn't even be honest about her age?
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:39:17 PM
Abigail Van Buren
Info: She was advice columnist "Dear Abby" for many years until health problems forced her to retire (her daughter now writes the column), her sister was Ann Landers
Date of Birth: 07/04/1918
Current Age: 90
Posted: 2/4/2009 7:04:51 PM
|I certainly don't have the answer why "every" man does the disappearing act. I can only comment on myself. After the breakup of my last relationship, I thought that at age 59 I could find friendship and even romance. So I had 4 or 5 "meet and greets" and backed away after each meeting. I finally realized that I was just not ready to reach out, to trust, to give unconditionally. In a couple of those situations, I didn't call to say why. I feel badly about that. |
Will I ever reach out again? I don't know. I've thought long and deeply about this. I don't want to die alone, but I don't want to hurt anyone else ever again, and I'm not crazy about being hurt again myself. So that may be the problem for a lot of men...fear of burning or being burned. I acknowledge that that is just plain wrong, but I think it's a real phenomenon.
BTW, I always liked "Dear Abby". And I love John Prine's song about the column....a classic.
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:29:51 PM
|I agree oldfolkie that this seems to be a repetitive tendency among many of the men I've seen as well (and maybe women, I don't know), even the serial daters for sex only crowd, but it does sort of cut off your nose to spite your face doesn't it ? But maybe I'm delusional when I think that happy mediums can be found, but then I'm a very flexible person who doesn't measure the circumference of my heart.... I've found over the years that there is always room for more in whatever shape, size or form they happen to arrive in.. men or women, life is too short to stop living it because of connection/risk/hurt fear.... I guess participation is the key, 'So are you gonna sit it out or dance'? .... it's all grist for the mill of life.|
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:51:22 PM
|Thanks for posting that, Windroper. I've been a fan of John Prine for many years.|
Posted: 8/11/2011 3:01:51 PM
|I think it all comes down to - whether or not we like what we are presented with - it matters not with what a person is wearing - but do we like the person. |
I am not out to change anyone and will not accept a person out to change me.