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 Krimiariver
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 15
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+Page 7 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Reenie999 you did say:

Divorces are not failures. Where did you get that strange idea??

I have been divorced for many, many years and surely don't consider my three children a "failure"


I suppose that a divorce could be a great success, but certainly the marriage was a failure, otherwise it would not have ended in divorce. Of course your children are not a failure because your marriage failed. That's apples and oranges. That you and your ex-husband are still great friends is wonderful, but that has no bearing on the fact that your marriage failed and you divorced.


To answer your question about the unacceptability of "never married"people: my personal opinion would be that people looking for mates would feel that if you have attained a certain age and have never married that you will NEVER, EVER marry.



I would agree with this to a certain extent, but not as an absolute. Certainly not in your 30s or even in the mid 40s such as your son in law, but there probably is a point where it becomes unlikely. At 55 I have never been married, but I would never say never. As time goes by it becomes more unlikely, but I can think of the case of the author C.S. Lewis who married for the first time at age 59 to a woman who was 16 years his junior and they had a very happy marriage until she died of cancer 4 years later. Never say never, for there are always exceptions and the human heart and love can be ageless.
 davedave951
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 16
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:34:38 AM
This topic and been beaten to death on numerous ocassions on the forums........

The bottom line.............. the very bottom line here, IMHO, is every individual, every marriage and every divorce and every conceivable marital status you can think of, should be evaluated and judged on a case by case and on an individual basis.

To make a blanket statement or judgement call on either is merely stereotyping and biased and is more a questionable reflection of the person making the broad judgements than the person being judged.

Unless you walked every step in their married/divorced shoes or their single/never married shoes, how can anyone make an honest and "accurate" judgement call ?

You really cannot. So if you are a fair and reasonable individual who does not easily fall into the stigma / stereotyping / prejudice trap , you will make an assessment based on the individuals character, morals and integrity.......... or lack of..............as opposed to making a judgement call based merely on their current or past relationship status.
 Mysterio2001
Joined: 5/18/2007
Msg: 17
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:49:46 AM
I am in my 40s & have never been married. If a person is that judgmental about my never married status, then that tells me something about them. They do not know me, yet seem to judge me based on one fact. Nice.

I would think that someone that have never been married is free of any emotional baggage from past relationships.
 Krimiariver
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 18
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 12:52:57 PM
magicallaroundme wrote:

Any lame excuse is good enough to dismiss someone right off the bat.


"Chemistry" is the catch-all word for that. You know, they didn't have "chemistry".


He won’t settle? Now THAT is fatal. There really is no hope of having a happy relationship with someone who is my way or the highway about everything. One of the very few things that I will not settle for is someone who will not settle. Refusal to settle is not a good attribute. Being demanding and pig-headed is not honorable. It is a disgrace. Adaptability and tolerance are the virtues that make a good life.


I am not willing to settle and I disagree with your assessment of settling. For me, to settle means to compromise on my core deal breakers. To me, that is a good attribute. If I am willing to compromise on my important beliefs or values, what good am I to myself or anyone else? I am easygoing and am more than willing not to demand my own way and I am willing to adapt and change and I am more than willing to do that for somebody I love. I do not have a "my way or the highway" attitude and neither am I pigheaded. I do have honor and empathy and I am sensitive to the wants and desires of others in daily life and not simply in a relationship. I prefer to have people feel good about having been with me rather than thinking I am a stuffy, self centered putz.
 davedave951
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 21
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 2:45:58 PM
The marriage didn't FAIL. We simply didn't want to be mates anymore. What do you think divorce is for??

That is a pretty darn funny post........ hilarious actually. Thanks for the laugh Reenie999, lol
 valsalva22
Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 22
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 3:05:49 PM
To Chun-li: While you make some good points, you are directing your anger to the wrong person. That statement is not the OP's thoughts on the subject, it is what he has perceived from others and complaining about it himself.


He won’t settle? Now THAT is fatal. There really is no hope of having a happy relationship with someone who is my way or the highway about everything. One of the very few things that I will not settle for is someone who will not settle. Refusal to settle is not a good attribute. Being demanding and pig-headed is not honorable. It is a disgrace. Adaptability and tolerance are the virtues that make a good life.

As Krimiariver said, "settling" is far different from compromise. What you are describing here, magicallaroundme, is compromise, and that is crucial to any relationship. "Settling", on the other hand, is giving up many of your values just for the sake of being with someone. Usually, settlements like this end in break-up or divorce. That is why I do not settle.



The bottom line.............. the very bottom line here, IMHO, is every individual, every marriage and every divorce and every conceivable marital status you can think of, should be evaluated and judged on a case by case and on an individual basis.

To make a blanket statement or judgement call on either is merely stereotyping and biased and is more a questionable reflection of the person making the broad judgements than the person being judged.

Unless you walked every step in their married/divorced shoes or their single/never married shoes, how can anyone make an honest and "accurate" judgement call ?

You really cannot. So if you are a fair and reasonable individual who does not easily fall into the stigma / stereotyping / prejudice trap , you will make an assessment based on the individuals character, morals and integrity.......... or lack of..............as opposed to making a judgement call based merely on their current or past relationship status.

Excellent post, davedave951, you are one of the smartest and open-minded posters here.


if one never has a LTR how have they put them selves out there? unless you get to know someone you'll never know if you've settled. despite the implication I am extremely selective and I never jump into a relationship because there's a man in sight. I know what attracts me and if the personality isn't there there's no reason to pursue something further. no offense but I don't want to date a guy that is divorced. I don't want to deal with the baggage.

involvoing oneself's in a LTR makes them vulnerable to a variety of emotions. otherwise, one might seem guarded, scared of being hurt, or scared to commit. as we age we become more set in our ways and options become limited, for obvious reasons. everyone has the right to be alone if they want and some end up old and alone not by choice but because are miserable people-big difference.

You are forgetting the most important element in a relationship: mutual attraction (and not just in the physical sense). This is taken for granted by those in LTR's and marriages. People keep asking me when I'm going to get married and it is annoying as hell because they make it seem that all I have to do is open a catalogue and choose a woman. Love is something sacred to me and I won't marry someone if there is no love. An obvious statement yet, like I said above, a fact taken for granted by those lucky enough to find love early and often.

Sure, some people who are alone are miserable but how many other married people are miserable too? Settling will surely lead to misery. That is why I have avoided it yet the judgemental ones won't touch me with a barge pole. That's cool because I wouldn't settle for them, anyway, LMAO.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 23
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 4:19:30 PM
OP - life is about lessons each and every day. From the moment we are born until the day we die. When the time comes that there are no more lessons, that's when we leave Mother Earth. So, it's not always divorce that is a valued life lesson. IMO, the most valuable lesson one can learn is loving and giving. To be able to love and to give, requires no expectations, it requires great joy and comes from the heart.

Whether one is married or not, it's an individual's choice. The beautiful thing about 2007 is no one is forced to think "inside" the box. It is about freedom of choice. However, with freedom of choice comes greater consequences (both good & bad). A wise person will make their choices wisely, and if things don't work out, deal with it in a gracious manner, learn from it, and move on.
 Krimiariver
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 25
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 5:32:20 PM
Route8Traveler,

Once you start a new thread you have pretty much lost control over it. No matter how you may pick and choose your words there will be some determined to make them mean whatever they like and there is little you can do about it. Some never even read your original thread post, but simply answer the subject line. Not only will your words be misread and misinterpreted, but your motives and intentions and you will be questioned no matter how much you might post to state and restate your position. Frequently, threads take off in whatever direction the reply posters seek to take it. That's the way it is here, and there's not much you can do about it.
 davedave951
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 27
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 6:28:07 PM
It was simply the spin you put on it Reenie ........... lol

Had absolutley nothing to do with dignity or whether the divorce was ugly or amicable.

Then again POF is not considered the no spin zone so anything goes here :)

Peace
 miraclgal
Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 28
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/8/2007 8:40:05 PM
i was widowed at 25. No one married me since. Does that make me a loser. I know thats not true . You luckey dog You are out htere
 Firmbear8
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 29
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 9/9/2007 7:52:16 AM
LOL
Yes it seems if your over 30 alot figure your no good because your still single.
Well thats crap and they know it and alot who are married before they were even 30 all say the same things . And that is if they could redo it they would have waited longer .
As for me no I am still single& never been married yet !!
Sure I want to get married and always did even when I was under 30. But for me I got to have the complete package or I would never agree to marry.
You see I am single becuase I need to know the lady I marry wants me for me and vice versa. And so far I have not found any lady who wants me for me and so I keep looking .
When I find the lady who will then I probbly will get married . But until then it doesn't bother me to be still single
 leslie1004
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 31
Why is it more acceptable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/3/2007 9:51:45 PM
I think each person should be judged on their own , not a statistic such as single divorced, or widowed. We all have had experiences in our lives with relationships that obviously didn't last for one reason or another, or we wouldn't be on this site. On a positive note, we are not afraid to try again, or we would not be here. In the end, we all want to love and be loved.
 Who.Me
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 38
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/4/2007 11:07:38 AM
At least being married and divorced shows you knew how to get along , love, care, and much more


What kind of statement is this?

I'm 45 and never been married, I can assure you that I get along just fine with people, I am extremely loving and caring and I have so much to bring to a relationship except a failed marriage!

It's idiotic ideals like this that place stagimas on people.



JMO
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 41
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/7/2007 11:24:13 PM
For me I don't know if either is "more acceptable" or not. Both raise yellow flags. I was initially thinking only "single" raised a flag, but then realized both do. The flag is the question "why." Yes, the stereotypical thoughts come up for both ... and I then recall that people just don't fit in the steereotypical boxes.

Someone else already did a Dr. Phil correlation. Mine is that the best predictor of future behavior is prior behavior unless there has been an inflection point change for the person. So, maybe the single person has actually had long term relationships and taken the time after each to learn and grow and become a better relationship partner after each ... or maybe the divorced person has ... or maybe neither have and they are going to repeat past mistakes with me only faster. Can't know til' I get to know 'em .. but the flags do go up to remind me to watch for why.

Gandi
 Dracoa79
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 43
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/8/2007 1:00:53 PM
Honestly, I'm fast approaching 30, going to be 28 in under a month. I have never been married, and I can't see it happening any time soon. Not because I'm "set in my ways" or whatever excuse people want to make for not even giving a never married person the time of day, much less a chance. I have had my share of experiences, some of which a divorced person are less likely to have experienced, but I won't get into that here. Some of which I was directly involved in (unrequited love that in the end shatters your entire perception of the emotion, anyone?), some of which I was indirectly involved in (parents divorced, there wasn't a custody battle, more like a custody war that lasted years, starting when I was 12 or so).

Personally, I would have no problem "dating" a divorced person or a never married person. I look at the person as who they are in the present, not at who they were in the past. I really don't even have high expectations, the physical, the superficial, isn't important to me, looks fade after all, all I really look for is a good person, someone I can feel comfortable with.
 Dracoa79
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 45
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/8/2007 7:14:42 PM

Draco, at 28 you are pretty young and I don't think it means anything to have not been married. I am talking about men my age in their mid 4o's... I just find the divorced ones better partners, and they compromize much easier.
Penny


I know I'm young still, physically speaking, and odds are I have a long life ahead of me, but the fact remains that I don't see myself getting married at any age. While I know that it's possible that I might, by chance, come across some one who just completely blows my mind and there is that chemistry, and who knows, maybe even makes me believe in love as I once did again, I'm just not expecting it in my life time. And honestly, I'm alright with that. At least I'll be able to say that I had once loved with all my being, even if that love wasn't returned.

I don't think age really has anything to do with compromising. At nearly 28, I'm about as flexible as it comes in general. As I said in my previous post, I'm really not all that picky. That doesn't just apply to what I look for in women, but in life in general.

Regardless, I wish you the best of luck in your search.
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 46
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/8/2007 8:22:50 PM
It was funny when my dad told me that when he was younger, if a man wasn't hitched by thirty, he was considered to be "light in the loafers" and "limp-wristed" by his peers. I had a difficult time visualizing what those descriptive phrases meant, so he point-blank told me this scenario: My dad was a mechanic, mind you. He said that one time a queer rolled into his shop and said, "My horn don't blow, but I do!" I could not stop laughing, and said that quote over and over again. He also said that women who had not been married by age thirty were called "old maids" and "old spinsters". I have not forgotten that and still think that to myself secretly from time to time, and end up smirking and snickering about it, should that age thing happen to come up. Of course, I, as usual, mean no harm...Much love, Titus
 labohemepuccini
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 47
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 11/14/2007 9:22:05 PM
Excellent answer, terrific arrangement of words into coherent and lucid thoughts. I am with u, my friend...and still illusive...
 lolLori
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 48
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 2/7/2008 5:05:02 AM
Sorrey Im single have known lots of friends and family and friends of friends or family single after 30, married after 30, divorced I dont feel any different and I dont think my single or never married, divorced or still married friends get along in life any different. Most do have kids thu. The women getting divorced later in life seem to have it rough but so did the young ones when I was younger too. You get to mellow after years pass and a woman is single again for a while.
 lolLori
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 49
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 2/8/2008 6:43:33 AM
you choose to marry isn't for you or you just aren't someone who should be married. Learning from your mistakes is when you break up with someone before you walk down the aisle.



Yeah you gotta kiss alot of toads before you find your frog lol something like that. My life was in the fast thing, a few major disaters when I was young and all my friends got boyfriends and married.Later couldnt help but being surrounded the ones getting divorced breaking up was when my Im hoping romance is supposed to be the answer. Yeah right on the one that said you shouldnt settle and end up divorced like 60% of marriages (old stat) So the single ones past 30 might just be aware of more of the Cons when it comes to partners. The
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 51
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 2/8/2008 2:04:24 PM
I would never state that a divorced person is better than a single person based on ONLY their marital status. There are many valid reasons why someone is still single in their 30s. There are also some poor reasons why someone is divorced.
 lolLori
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 52
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 2/17/2008 7:42:32 AM
In the 70's the divorce rate was 60 %, it was mentioned they already know what marriage is about. My point is if the answer is yes they must not have had much success be more positive than a single over thirty, using comman sence not to deciding marriage isn't the right thing, yet be a worse candidate for a relationship maybe they just avoid the heartache 60% of divorced went thru. As for reponsibilty they might have manage to be single or single parent and done just fine.
 TheEmeraldTeardrop
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 53
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:34:55 AM
I don't think it's more "acceptable" to be divorced than to have never married.

I think lots of divorced people try to find ways to make the stigma of divorce look less painful and less of a complication for a future relationship.

Most relationships, whether you are married or not, fail. The difference with a divorce is that the failure is legally recorded for everyone to see.

This isn't much different from single parents claiming having children makes them more "mature" or obese people claiming their weight gave them true insight on loving someone for their "character"

It's just trying to take a negative and making it positive by the most absurd loose connection possible.

I've been asked out by divorced men before and here's what I think

- He might have a crazy ex wife to deal with for the future
- He might have kids which is it's own set of issues
- He might have half his paycheck gone each month to support his ex wife and kids, possibly limiting my options for career and living situation with him
- He might not be over his last relationship yet, or ever

Now single men can have just as many hangups and problems, sometimes more, but honestly being divorced is a good indicator that there are more issues to deal with if you want to date them.

People should accept their circumstances and limitations and realize how society perceives them and actually try to find solutions for them instead of just denying that the stigma exists.
 BlueSmurf
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 54
Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 4/9/2008 1:42:57 AM
I just ended a one year relationship with a woman I loved very much. She married her first real boyfriend (just before me), and it lasted less than two years. I've never married, and my longest "live-in" relationship lasted five years. We're both successful professionals in our early 30's. I truly believe that the end of my five year relationship was more devastating to me, than the divorce was to her (and it was not a friendly divorce). Honestly, I would rather date somebody like her than somebody like me. Wouldn't you prefer someone that is slightly traumatized by divorce, versus someone totally crushed by a heart-wrenching break-up? She's financially screwed for a long long time, but her emotional health is intact. I'm emotionally scarred for life (relegated to being used for sex by attractive women). My point is that you should not judge a book by it's cover (and attractive women should sleep with me). On a more serious note, I DO prefer that my future wife experiences our white wedding/purchase of our home/birth of our children together for the FIRST time in both our lives. Don't we all want to feel as though we were the only one? It just feels more special that way. Of course, that is only a desirement--not a requirement.
 lolLori
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 56
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Why is it more accetable to be divorced rather than never married if someone is 30+
Posted: 5/19/2008 11:21:21 AM
Maybe these things shouldnt be compared at all even if they are. Single people could have comman law relationships identical to divorced. If you meet someone divorced or single and they definately have negative relationship issues or concepts this would be the points to consider. Positive relationships are hard to find and are not the most obvious, perfectly great people get rejected all the time and the "bad boy" or abusive relationships flourish. Yes the ****s always get the nice guys too. So everyones nice and confused.
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