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 silver-surfer
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 29
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
He bought me a ring and he says he loves me though. Whats his problem whys he not showing more interest if hes interested?


when a man does this, does it not say on page 43, paragraph 7 in bold print.........."he's just not that into you"

I, er ...... yeah, this thread confuses me, my take is........... he chose you because you were a safe choice, he chose to buy you a ring, cause ultimately ......... he has no real idea what "love" is, and til he sorts it out, he'd just assume toss you a carrot to keep you nibbling his
 ParadisL
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 30
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:30:45 PM
In my case its because im actually afraid to get hurt like I did the first time around. Myself im 26 and divorced. I fell hard and it will take me a long time to go through the marriage game again. I almost feel like parts of me are missing.
 Twelve Feet
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 31
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/17/2007 6:47:16 PM

The experience of having been loved and then hated by the same woman makes the whole idea of being loved a kind of fantasy.
When hasn't the idea of being loved been a fantasy? Sounds like an excuse for cowardice to me. Fear is fear, the product of a weak mind.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 32
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/17/2007 9:23:20 PM

Because men are expected to be strong and not get all emotional after a breakup. A man that has been cheated on, lied to or used has had his heart (and ego) ripped to shreds. Women have always had the advantage of compassionate girlfriends that will laugh and cry with them for months and agree that the man was a louse. Your girlfriends will always assure you that you will find someone much better. Men do not get that from their buddies, there is nothing worse to a man then a wimpy whiney guy. "My GF broke my wittle heart, WAH!!!" Men don't have time for all of that. Their advise will always be to go out, score a few drunken conquests and move on with their lives. So they build up walls and become unwilling to commit themselves to the next woman. Fear is the most powerful emotion in the world.


Great insight! More than men don't want to hear it, they're fearful that they might have to share the searing emotional pain that their buddy is experiencing and the prospect of having that shared experience is terrifying.

I wish I had the answer to the question. I know that to experience love in such a way as feel incapable of describing it and then experience the death of that love and the death of a relationship is not something that seems inviting. Like death, it seems, that it never hurts any less, it only hurts less often.

Sometimes even after a decade or more since that loss, one is haunted by what was and is tormented by the idea that it is unlikely that there will be an equivalent experience.

If someone can figure out how to help men and women get past this pain, they'll likely be very wealthy.

ACP
 Twelve Feet
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 33
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/18/2007 5:24:44 AM
They are wealthy but some people don't buy their books and learn from them what they need to know. Instead they carry on as usual in life, without benefit of wisdom, struggling on their own, because that is exactly what they love to do with their emotions.
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 34
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/5/2007 1:19:54 PM

Say if a mans been in a longterm relationship/marriage whatever and has kids right, well yer of course hes gona be hurt and all scared of getting into another situation with someone else yer. But if he met someone he really likes whats to stop him givin it a go?


Three reasons:

1) Men have feelings - women do not.
2) A divorce usually leaves a man with his property gone and next to no money, which is immediately a turn off for most women. The ones that'll go for a lack of funds want someone equally as young - the older ones are looking for a replacement breadwinner for the man they just left.
3) When you realise how little you mean to women, and how much of your interaction with them is manipulation and lies, you re-prioritize your life. To put yourself first. Now you just lost the other women that were left from #1 and #2 above.
 Charlie Shift
Joined: 12/5/2006
Msg: 35
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/5/2007 2:39:47 PM
Men are scared of the same thing women are scared of, given the same situation: Getting hurt again. Geez, I'd think you'd know this...
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 36
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/5/2007 4:18:38 PM
Wow... Bikerscum.. that's harsh.


1) Men have feelings - women do not.


I think you're generalizing a little bit here. Or being a little sarcastic. Or maybe you are ineffectively trying to say that men have feelings that women do not, meaning DIFFERENT feelings.


2) A divorce usually leaves a man with his property gone and next to no money, which is immediately a turn off for most women. The ones that'll go for a lack of funds want someone equally as young - the older ones are looking for a replacement breadwinner for the man they just left.


Sometimes the woman loses. I lost a lot more then my ex when we separated.


3) When you realise how little you mean to women, and how much of your interaction with them is manipulation and lies, you re-prioritize your life. To put yourself first. Now you just lost the other women that were left from #1 and #2 above.


Bitter much? Not all women are like that.

Generally speaking, ANYONE who's beein a marriage or LTR that has ended, with or without children, needs some time to heal. And yes, the majority of us are a little gun shy when it comes to getting back into a relationship. Dealing with a man now who's a little shell-shocked about the end of his marriage.

I know the OP isn't on here anymore, but seriously... she's what.. 24? The man she mentioned was 41. Personally I can't see what they would have in common considering the profile she had up. I'm closer to 41 than 24 and I don't think I would even consider someone that age for more then a short term distraction from life.
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 37
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/6/2007 12:04:04 AM


I think you're generalizing a little bit here. Or being a little sarcastic. Or maybe you are ineffectively trying to say that men have feelings that women do not, meaning DIFFERENT feelings.


No, I mean this: that women treat men like shoes - fun to shop for, fun to use, and ultimately disposable. The latest trend is divorce parties, in which women cackle and celebrate her getting rid of the guy but not his money, and throw the ring he gave up X months' salary for literally into the shitter as part and parcel of the party.

A man feels for other people. Ultimately, a woman only feels about and for herself, and has little understanding that there are other people on the planet and that they can matter.

Remember my anecdote about suicide? How the woman was AGHAST that men kill themselves? It's their fault for not being so macho, and how dare they kill themselves which makes them ineffective providers?


Sometimes the woman loses. I lost a lot more then my ex when we separated.


Almost never. Note "usually" and "almost". There are a couple of women paying alimony. The way they carry on (alimony is something WOMEN are supposed to get from MEN!!!!) you'd think they want the law written to be one sex gets money from the other. Oh right, they're already working on the law that way. Vide infra, VAWA.



Bitter much? Not all women are like that.


Yes they are. To various degrees. Even the least selfish woman thinks that way to some degree.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 38
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/6/2007 7:20:30 AM

No, I mean this: that women treat men like shoes - fun to shop for, fun to use, and ultimately disposable. The latest trend is divorce parties, in which women cackle and celebrate her getting rid of the guy but not his money, and throw the ring he gave up X months' salary for literally into the shitter as part and parcel of the party.

A man feels for other people. Ultimately, a woman only feels about and for herself, and has little understanding that there are other people on the planet and that they can matter.

Remember my anecdote about suicide? How the woman was AGHAST that men kill themselves? It's their fault for not being so macho, and how dare they kill themselves which makes them ineffective providers?


Maybe the women you have met treat men like shoes. THIS woman (meaning ME!) does not. No.. wait. Maybe I do. But I have a serious shoe fetish and love and cherish all of my shoes. I would no more treat a man as if he were disposable then I would anything else in life. I treat men like I want to be treated. Shocker, I know.

I could totally turn your words around as far as men/women and feelings. I've met more men who only think about themselves... including, but not limited to my ex husband who put his career ahead of his family. I have always been the care-taker in all of my relationships. ALL OF THEM. I put my wants, needs, desires on the back burner in order to provide everything I felt was necessary to those around me. Selflessly giving more than I have ever gotten. Without complaint. Ever.

I don't recall an anecdote regarding suicide, I'm sorry. I have my own feelings regarding this issue that have nothing to do with this topic.


Almost never. Note "usually" and "almost". There are a couple of women paying alimony. The way they carry on (alimony is something WOMEN are supposed to get from MEN!!!!) you'd think they want the law written to be one sex gets money from the other. Oh right, they're already working on the law that way. Vide infra, VAWA.


I agree. Almost never. There are SOME women tho that do end up losing more than the man when it comes to divorce. The cost of what I lost.. roughly in the $30-40G range is a pitance compared to what he lost.. in the $2G range. And that's before the legal fees get added into the equation. Yes, he pays child support. And so he should considering based on his job I wasn't able to work and was at home with the kids for the duration of our married life. His job frequently required him to be away from home for extended periods of time, often at the drop of a hat (he'd go into work and be told he was leaving on a 2 pm flight that day for X location and Y number of days). Yes, he pays alimony. It's a set amount for a short period of time to help offset the inequality in our incomes. He makes 3 times what I do.

I do whole-heartedly agree that SOME women do take advantage of the system and milk it for all it's worth. Just because I am female does not mean I agree with, or support this. I know my ex had all these preconceived ideas that a buddy of his gave him based on the buddy's divorce and how the buddy's ex was not allowing him to see the kids, demanding a huge sum for child support, etc. I left with what I went into the marriage with, plus all the kids' things. Actually, I left a lot of stuff that was mine behind when I left. I push him to have contact with the kids, encourage the children to contact him anytime they want. I have full custody, he sees them.. let's see.. I think it will be a whopping 22 days this year. Was 24 days last year. So I have them roughly 95% of the year on my own with no help from him. I am getting the amount of support legally allowed based on the charts. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don't set the amount, the courts do.


Yes they are. To various degrees. Even the least selfish woman thinks that way to some degree.


No. I disagree. That's like saying all men are a$$holes and players and will only use women for sex. Not true. Not even close to the truth. Some men are and do. Some men aren't and don't. Those that do often spoil it for those that don't... a theme that is often repeated here on the forums.

Bottom line here is that while I disagree with what you are saying, those are your thoughts and opinions and feelings on the matter and you are entitled to them. I disagree with them. I know tho that no matter what I do or say I will not change them.
 Bikerscum
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 39
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/6/2007 7:38:31 AM

Maybe the women you have met treat men like shoes. THIS woman (meaning ME!) does not. No.. wait. Maybe I do. But I have a serious shoe fetish and love and cherish all of my shoes.


You've kept your shoes longer than your men. QED.


I could totally turn your words around as far as men/women and feelings. I've met more men who only think about themselves... including, but not limited to my ex husband who put his career ahead of his family.


Only because if he didn't, you'd whine all the time about not having enough money. There's a difference between the expectations of MEN at work (get stuff done) and women (socialise, yak, come in late, leave early)


I know my ex had all these preconceived ideas that a buddy of his gave him based on the buddy's divorce and how the buddy's ex was not allowing him to see the kids, demanding a huge sum for child support, etc. I left with what I went into the marriage with, plus all the kids' things.


Okay, so we should ignore the mass of empirical evidence as to how women behave because you personally are a saint?

We should say "wait a second! THE COURT SYSTEM DOESN'T SHAFT MEN because this lady RIGHT HERE left some photos behind. What were we thinking????"

Why did you try arguing your point with this little pity party about your circumstances? In other words, why did this suddenly turn into being about you?


No. I disagree. That's like saying all men are a$$holes and players and will only use women for sex. Not true.


There's a lot more truth to that than you'd like to think.
 jstacey
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 40
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/6/2007 10:09:25 AM
Imagine if you will, bulding a house of cards. Every card is has a planned destination and you meticously keep building every hour of every day for years. There's minor incidents in the construction, sometimes entire levels collapse, but the structure is safe and stable. One day someone kicks over your house and now yiu just have cards. How anxious would you be to start building again?
 BOIT
Joined: 11/21/2007
Msg: 41
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/7/2007 7:29:12 PM
...I think you just described me swamp thing....
 criptonic1981
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 42
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/7/2007 8:39:23 PM
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I was recently devistated by a divorce. To me, marriage is forever, and when the person you held every night for years, just walks away with a smile, after everything that we had,,,

<<<<<<<<<< Loves haveing someone, but at the same time, if she gets to close,, I break up with her. I will not put myself through that heartache ever again!
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 44
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/21/2008 3:05:31 AM
"It ain't like he's gonna get the same situation twice" !?

A person can intellectually recognize that something won't happen, but that doesn't mean that they'll feel secure. Also, I'd like to point out that many people DO get the same situation twice. When people go through massive pain, they tend to do things to avoid it in the future. You just have to be supportive and hope that he lets his walls down.
 SexiSingleMom24
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 45
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/21/2008 4:31:39 AM
boy do i know where your coming from LOL im dating a man as well whose 35 and has the same trust issues and says hes interested but doesnt show hes interested and im 23 so i think some men are concerned by the age difference it makes them wary and they gaurd themsleves cuz they think a younger person couldnt POSIBLY want a serious relationship plus when you have healthy appetite for sex and are open and social it mite make them think you cant be serious about a real relationship and also they have alot to thinka bout before pursuing it further like how the kids react how you fit into his life and when it doesnt work out with the first they are sometimes to scared of making the same mistakes twice basically many reasons and if you truly love him you will give him time and talk it out with him and stand by him the longer youre with him the more his gaurd will let down for you to get in and he will eventually let go
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/21/2008 4:59:22 AM
~OP There is no right or wrong answer here - But I do know that after a person
has gone through a divorce that it takes time for them to heal and find them selves
again - This is just not men it's all sexes. Any one of us can get scared to open our hearts to love someone again and risk being hurt - but men do not like to be pushed they like to take there time - thats just it timming is everything. You should be thankful for what you do have not what you don't - cause there are some of us that would give eye teeth to have a companion that cares and to do things with. You are wanting what he's not ready to give - all I can say is communicate your feelings to him if that fails then either accept him for who he is or move on. He brought you a ring that is wonderful and right there he pledges his heart to you - and as I said all good things takes alittle patience and time. When he's ready to love you the way you want to be it will be all the worth while when he does - in the mean time don't fuss at him just enjoy go with the flow of things and appreciate what you do have rather than what you don't. Futher more why are you here if you have a fellow and a ring and someone to love hummm? I find this rather odd - and unfair to your mate or as you said bloke ? This is not fair to either of you and your not acting like a lady with a ring that says commitment on it. That ring my dear was given from his heart and his love so focus on the good and not the bad - remove your self off singles sites put your engerys all on the possitive in your life meaning the two of you not just your self - don't be selfish with him he open and sincere show him that you truly care and that hes the one.

Good Luck To Ya Both
-Brenny
 yepimlonelytoo
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 48
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/23/2008 7:47:57 PM
Both men and women get scared. You just gotta take it slow with him if you are really serious about him, If it's too slow for you then make a decision to move on.
 Ear to hear
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 49
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/24/2008 5:55:21 AM
In my case I was married for almost 20 yrs....during the divorce I lived in a room for a yr...moved up to an efficiency for app 2 yrs and after the long haul with finances...got to get my own house again...I can say I love you and treat a normal woman with respect and caring but the thought of going thru the same scenario again....nope...and I know Ive lost a few because of the normal progression of dating....I treat woman like a princess but marriage wont happen...might be my loss and sooo be it....
 italnyernnc
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 50
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 10/24/2008 1:58:56 PM
Is it possible that the person isn't "hurt", they just don't find an upside to long term relationships and that's just an out? With everyone having friends with benefits, etc... it has to be considered.

E
 yepimstilllonely
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 51
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 1/30/2009 5:54:37 PM
We're all afraid of getting hurt cause we've all been there. That's the chance you take on someone. Sometimes you want to be absolutely sure before you give it your all. Personally I don't think that you can ever be sure. I wish it could be more simple. If you don't try, you will never know.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 52
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Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 1/30/2009 5:57:32 PM
Also, while I know this thread is old-- Realize that a lot is heaped on a guy when a relationship end. When I told people that my last long term and I broke up, most people responded with, "What did you do?"

I feel like a lot of guys have to cope with this false concept that "Men don't let relationships fail." I think that sometimes we get the asinine idea that we somehow don't measure up when things break down. Of course, my experience is limited to me... so I could just be full of it.
 Golfer38
Joined: 12/17/2008
Msg: 53
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 1/30/2009 5:58:18 PM
Go read the Pregnant and Threatening thread on here and that might shed some light on the subject.
 SmellOfPoop
Joined: 6/8/2007
Msg: 54
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 1/31/2009 7:23:30 PM
99.999% of the time, once you get married, sex slows to a crawl (or comes - no pun intended - to an end). Now, I know every woman on PoF will say they are the exception, but let's be real. Sex is only constant and exciting while the relationship is new and fresh.

So, yes, I've met a few women who, after a few weeks of not getting anything, would suck on me like they hadn't eaten in years. Compare that to the wife who does it every few months, just to get it out of the way and can say she still does it. Wooohooo! Exciting.
 smoothbox
Joined: 11/9/2012
Msg: 55
Why do men get scared to love again when theyve been hurt?
Posted: 12/18/2012 7:56:04 AM
Pretty obvious i would say....
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