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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > 5 time loser! First time winner?      Home login  
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 Jeff52758
Joined: 7/7/2007
Msg: 2
5 time loser! First time winner?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
The operative question is "Are you nuts?" Seriously. She may mean well, and may truly desire a normal relationship. However, it appears that she has done nothing to identify the reason(s) that lead her to chose those men, nor has she done anything to correct them.

She apparently has no experience with good relationships. If she gets involved with a decent man, I would expect her to be anxious and act out because she is not experiencing the weird behaviors she is used to. I don't see anything good coming from this. I think that the best that you could hope for from this is to be there for her and help her put her life back together. And, once she has done that, watch her leave to find someone new.

There is some measure of satisfaction that comes from helping someone, but it is not worth this cost.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/23/2007 9:01:11 PM
So why is it a red flag. She is going to find out that you do too much meth? Hehehe
 will24100
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 6
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 12:09:31 AM
Stay far far away man

People attract like minded people. If she is attracting crack head alchoholics something has to be seriously wrong
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 7
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 1:50:59 AM
Not gonna say it would be an instant "run away", but I would certainly keep my eyes open.

Personal experience, once or twice might not bother me, but *5* times I would start to wonder if she's just a complete "drama queen" and "eats up" the drama from the relationships. I might give it chance, but the first sign that she was trying to *create* drama in the relationship (which most "drama queens" are apt to do, create "drama" to have something to "fix"), I'd be out of there... don't need that in my life.

The big question in my mind would be, does she *own* her part in those relationships, or does she blame it all on them being addicts/alcoholics, and place herself in a "martyr" role like she has no blame (even though the reality is she *chose* them and *chose* to stay as long as she did)? That would be a big glaring "red flag" to me.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 8
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5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 5:23:30 AM
OP, you have your head screwed on right. She might be ready for friends, but she needs to figure out why she went into relationships with these men, commit to changing her behaviour so that she no longer needs to pursue these self-destructive behavioural patterns, and then she'll be ready to date. You can be an encouragement and support for her to pursue that. Till then, though, her need for self-destruction will ultimately destroy every relationship she is in, in a downward spiral.

Also, why is she attracted to you?

That's my experience. Every time.
 mlm_mlm_mlm
Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 9
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:33:28 AM
I think your instincts of red flag city are correct.

I am a female so from my side of it... I have met guys who were "wronged" by ex's... employers and everyone in general and I just got away from them. Red flag city is right.

Some people have a knack of BLAMING others for all their issues. I think you met one of them. It is a victim mentality and poison to healthy relationships and people.
 Winter Sparkle
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 10
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:44:06 AM
This person needs counselling and friends/family to rely on. I don't see how getting into a relationship until she is well again would benefit anyone involved.
 SwampHunter
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 11
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 6:53:46 AM
All you have is HER word here, right? Well, I have encountered women who make similar claims, but some are FAR from the truth.

One woman I met online had already had 3 marriages, and also claimed practically every man she'd ever been with was abusive - or an alchoholic - or a drug addict - or beat her - or mentally abused her - or whatever. I bought all that crap hook line and sinker - but after getting to know her - and her previous husband - I feel certain if those men really were abusive she probably created the problem herself. Why? Because SHE was abusive! I know that sounds pathetic for a man to say, but she was, and the only way to deal with her was to stand up to her. If you didn't she'd actually try to bully and intimidate a man.

Her previous husband and his new wife and I are friends now, and he seems like a pretty decent guy to me. To tell you the truth, I think if they ever really had gotten physical, she would have kicked his @ss! She's bigger than he is and a whole lot meaner! lol

I honestly believe if that particular woman married GHANDI - if wouldn't be long before Ghandi would be going to jail for domestic violence! lol!

Look - some people are consummate liars. If the woman has had 5 marriages - there is a REASON for that. That means there are AT LEAST 5 men walking around out there who would probably tell a VERY different story.

DON'T IGNORE YOUR GUT DUDE! It's screaming at ya that this could be trouble! If it wasn't, you wouldn't have put up this post! :)
 OnMyOwn4
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 12
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 7:17:39 AM

remember the old saying dont let the door hit your ass on the way out? make sure it does and leave a mark, RUN FOREST RUNNNNNNNNNN


AMEN .... too bad at 58 you still need advice like this. Perhaps a little visit to the AAA mettings might OPEN YOUR EYES. Maybe you might even see yourself there, they have a charter for people who have only had Alkies in their life, and how to break free of them also.

Just remember if you do her your stuck with her. If you done her then your post is too late.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 13
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 7:20:07 AM
"Perhaps a little visit to the AAA mettings might OPEN YOUR EYES."

Triple-A (AAA) has meetings? They teach you how to tow your own car or something??
 OnMyOwn4
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 15
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 7:39:50 AM
I have a gal pal who has been AA for nearly 30 years so she has told me many times about A-AA Adults of AA members. (adults of alcoholic parents/partners) sorry if you misunderstood.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 16
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 7:40:52 AM
^ Thats "ACOA" - Adult Children of Alcoholics.
 HappyGilmore2
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 17
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 8:58:32 AM
OP. Often proclaiming that "he was an alcoholic/drug user etc" is a way to justify the failed relationship. After 5 failed marriages, you have to assume that there is something seriously wrong with HER! I doubt what she is telling you about the other men is true. And if so, that still renders her insane. I run for the hills on this one or you will end up being failed marriage #6.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 19
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 11:08:32 AM
Geez you people ...maybe she is just a slow learner?
There ARE people that only see the good in people ...hard to believe? I know!
I don't know why they don't get that jaded stuff all over them. Like I said slow learner!

OP Your friend sounds co-dependant. Chances are that she has been treated badly for so long that she would not know how to act if she got a good guy!


edit:Is she a looker??
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 20
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5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/24/2007 2:27:43 PM
Any person, male or female, that is continually in bad relationships is not a worthwhile candidate for a partner - especially if they are dating the same losers repeatedly. The problem rests not with these drug users (they are what they are), but firmly on the shoulders of the foolish person who continues to seek out such individuals. She is seeking out what she truly believes she is worth. An old proverb from the bible: As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 21
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5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/25/2007 12:03:01 AM

She could be a 'diamond in the rough'


Could be, but more likely a diamond in the rough trade.
 forums1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 22
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/25/2007 9:47:32 AM
^ Or a "blood diamond".
 boisegoodbadboy
Joined: 8/21/2005
Msg: 23
5 time loser! First time winner?
Posted: 9/27/2007 7:18:55 AM
thanks all who gave input. the psychotics who practice psychology couldnt hold a stick to some of the very powerful wisdom and insights that many of you have shared...and i appreciate it....lots! might even go to a thrift store and see if any #6 jerseys are on the rack..

Piknick...i believe you read my profile out of context. you are correct...i would need help if i wanted to tie up with an alcoholic or crack head...

Indigo rose..welcome back. to answer your question...altho physical attraction is important to me, its what comes out of ones brain that makes em pretty, or ugly.....

for those promoting al-anon....she tried it...found no value in the program. there is an anti-toxin cure for toxic people...themselves...if and when they so choose independent healthy thinking, and not a herd mentality.

rdnckgrl...all i can say is...wow! talk about having your poop together! your middle name should be constipation...you got it together that good!!! did that come out right??????

i really like these forums. there are some fabulous minds out there...and a bunch of em stopped by here sharing knowledge that one could be hard pressed to find in any book...
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > 5 time loser! First time winner?