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 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 7
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I had found an awesome, charming and loving man once as well - he was also charming and loving to many others! It was a very difficult situation to be in!
 realist78
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 9
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/25/2007 5:22:20 PM
"charming" can be a red flag for serious character flaws, in both men and women


I would have to agree with that. In my experiences I have found the charming do have definate character flaws. Things such as low self-esteem, very needy, non trusting and abusive.

There may be some guys out there that are just charming but do not let your gaurd down too soon.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 17
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/26/2007 7:03:44 AM
MsIndependent, I've met women who I thought were fantastic, who played me. But the only reason that they played me was because I ignored all reason when I was with them, and put them on a pedestal. Everyone else who didn't, didn't get played.

Stop thinking the guy's all that, and realise that everyone has problems, including him, and you won't let him use you. Otherwise, you're an accident waiting to happen.
 Vitiate
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 20
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/26/2007 8:36:55 AM
I think your last line says it all...

You're only seeing what you want to see...the same as you only want to read what you want to hear.

Deep down you KNOW he only wants in your pants...thats why your gut is telling you otherwise. But for all means, play it out...see where it takes you. There's nothing wrong with being in the moment. A lot of great relationships begin casually.

What's the worst that could happen?
 Btrcup
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 22
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/26/2007 12:24:26 PM
Hey Ms. Fantastic, my husband was exactly the way you described your perfect man. We went out for a couple of weeks in 1990 and I didn't take it further for exactly the same reasons you're hesitating. About a year later, after much flirting and a very strong physical attraction, we went out again (as friends) and I don't know what happened but we just kept going. And get this, we didn't sleep together for the first 2 months. I had to actually initiate it!!!

We had been together ever since until his untimely death 2 years ago from cancer. Life is too short, give your man a chance!

Linda
 Theonly1!
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 23
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/26/2007 2:38:46 PM
I'm glad I've never had the ability to charm anyone to scare them off! Freak them out, yes... charm them... never!
 gazingatmars
Joined: 8/16/2006
Msg: 26
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/26/2007 6:23:33 PM
If the guy's perfect, he's lying. Don't put him on a pedastel. You are worth the affection. People that are being themselves show flaws and make mistakes. The only red flag I would be waving is the "he shows no flaws, no weakness, no mistakes" flag. That means he's lying and putting you on IMO. Give him a chance, but don't fall in love before you find out what his flaws are.

Gazing
 MONEMPERER
Joined: 6/26/2006
Msg: 29
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/30/2007 5:30:43 AM
wow women dont actually like to be charmed what the hell do I know. Sorry I dont have the looks so I worked on my personality I can charm any one anywhere my friends say I have the gift of gab. I can be funny kind decent but I only do this to people I am actually interested in. If I am not then you wont see that side to me. Take it as a compliment really Charmers only charm those they actually want to be around.
 marshw
Joined: 8/9/2005
Msg: 31
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/30/2007 6:34:52 AM
Until he comes right out and says that the two of you have an exclusive arrangement...YOU DON'T. Just keep that in mind and you shouldn't have any problems.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 35
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/30/2007 1:13:05 PM
Oh crap- Im reading some of these responses-
Red flags and shit-
Look- could it be possible that he was so "charming" because you
are worth being charming too. Maybe, just maybe he just liked
you, liked the company.
See him again if you have the chance. Just because he was charming to
you does not mean he is charming to everyone. Maybe you just brought that
out in him. Oh and by the way, good luck, sounds like a charm.

curlygrl~
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 37
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 9/30/2007 3:29:10 PM
Is it ironic or simply hilarious someone calling herself "MsIndependent" is flustered at meeting this guy? LOL

So he's made an attempt to be nice and/or outgoing with you and you're thinking that's a red flag? Wouldn't an "independent" person who was on this FIRST DATE with someone who made a good impression hope for subsequent encounters where you'd see if this was a fluke or part of his presonality? Not everyone you meet--whether online or in real life---is someone out only to charm your pants and skirts off, SOME guys really are charming, well behaved and a joy to spend time with.

Are you perhaps already jaded and suspicious of him due your own preconceived notions about men in general? Perhaps you have been online too much or taken too much of what you read here as factual without trusting your own intelligence or "gut feelings"? I know women in general like to talk things out and many seem to react to the consensus but how does that work if you're the only one who's so far been in his company? What you'll get here is nothing but opinions that are formed more from bad experiences with something similar----not at all directly relating to your date with the Fan-Freaking-Tastic guy.

Seems many people sabotage their own love lives for reasons just like this----they find it impossible to think anyone would treat them well unless there is some underlying sinister reason. I'm thinking this guy deserves someone who doesn't have him already painted as a "player" simply because he was well behaved. Caution and prudence is wise---paranoia is just plain dumb!

Best comment so far: Women-----I'll never understand them even if I live to 100!!
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 40
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:57:41 AM
I'll post once more and not bother OP any more on this BUT...........

You might not be paranoid but by posting this question whether Mr Charm was possibly out pull something underhanded simply because he was "charming" suggests there is SOMETHING amiss in your views of men who aren't the typical azzholes so many women describe here. If it's just matter of terms you're free to pick your own but someone truly secure wouldn't have been so "concerned" about a polite guy on a date.

But then we have the statement "I guess well yep I've had way too many bad experiences...a sad sad story LOL" which makes me wonder how those came to be? We've all had a few bad experiences in dating but how does "way too many" happen without you becoming better at discovering the not-so-good guys quicker? Again this "independent" name strikes me as ironic-----maybe I'm caught up in terms myself huh?? LOL I tend to think someone who's had "way too many bad experiences" needs some lessons in how to pick better dates----I could be wrong though.


My screen name refers to my personality type but not how I judge people


My reading comprehension is not functioning today---WHAT does this mean? I never thought being independent was how you "judge" someone rather it is about your personality------did I miss something there?

Glad your second date confirmed this guy was just outgoing and not quite the sinister panty bandit you feared----might be something you can take into your next date huh???

Best of luck!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 42
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:14:55 AM

This is my first post so please be nice, lol..OP, i just had to chime in only because in many cases, "charming" can be a red flag for serious character flaws, in both men and women. Sorry to be a downer but i know alot of women that have had relationships with abusive men and they all had one thing in common *charm*. Trust your intuition, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.


To say that being a charmer can lead to a character flaw of being abusive is like saying that guys that have sideburns become abusive. There are abusive people that are not charming AT ALL. There are charmers that are sweet and awesome all the time.

I have an uncle that is quite a charmer. He is a ladies man, a man's man, a pillar of the community, a father of 8 children, a devoted husband, and awesome dancer, a great father. He just gave his younger daughter away in matrimony. He infected her with his charm, but also devotion to what you do, so she also became a doctor and married another doctor. As you can see there's not an ounce of abuse in that family. Well, maybe they abuse the guitars or the dance floors when we have parties.

So I will defend the side of Charmers all over, for it is an attitude that you bring to other people on a daily basis, that turns negativity into positivity, complain into action, insecurity and stress into self assurance, trust and peace. I am not a charmer myself. I am too much of a blunt as$ho!e, but I admire my uncle, I admire how he makes people feel and I strive within the fabric of my own character to bring that in other people.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 45
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:20:10 AM
Unbelievable post! The OP meets someone she likes and enjoys, and she's still looking for a reason to throw him back!! No wonder dating is so damn difficult! What's wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt unless/until they give you a reason to question their motives, treating them the way you would want to be treated and hope for the best? If all you ever look for are negatives, thats all you'll ever find.
 SeanMonster
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 47
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:44:45 AM
Alright, I have to ask... how much exclusivity do you expect on a first date? Do you want him to have been in a monastery for the past 5 years, waiting for you to come along? Yes, he's probably charming with every woman he goes out with. That's not a character flaw.

SMARMY is a character flaw, and their are obvious differences. Question: did he seem to be manipulating you, or honestly empathic and considerate? If the latter, count yourself lucky.

Even if you insist on an exclusive relationship (and reading this makes me realize I can no longer understand what I ever saw in those), the fact that you aren't STARTING OFF with one is kind of the normal course of things.
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 48
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 6:22:03 PM
It's the first date, so of course he's charming. Get to know him. Don't throw him back on one impression of him. Spend some time with him alone, with your friends and with his friends. Then you will really know if he's a keeper.

I read that there were some obvious warning signs one could use to spot a really bad guy. These include: he drinks to excess or takes drugs; he has broken the law; you're getting the feeling that you're either crazy or invisible; he seems too good to be true; and he has bad personal references...or none at all. Ask yourself whether you would introduce the man you're thinking of dating (or are already involved with) to your best friend or to your sister. If the answer is no, do yourself a favour and stay away.
 Montanalady
Joined: 12/3/2006
Msg: 49
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:15:46 PM
For Happily Ever (Quote)" What's wrong with giving someone the benefit of the doubt unless/until they give you a reason to question their motives, treating them the way you would want to be treated and hope for the best?"

OMG!! Is this the way you want to be treated??? How many of you men out there would put up with a woman that blatantly flirted with ANY man while you were out with her????? NONE that I've ever been out with, and that's quite a few...... when I'm out with a man, I want his undivided attention for the few hours we're together..........not asking a whole lot.....save the flirting and the innuendoes for your time with your buddies.....if you can't give me a few hours, how could you possibly give a lifetime???????
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 50
He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:21:41 PM

How many of you men out there would put up with a woman that blatantly flirted with ANY man while you were out with her????? NONE that I've ever been out with, and that's quite a few


So how many women you've gone out with?
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 51
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:48:15 PM
As a naturally charming fellow... now I know why I'm single. Its not like we can just turn it off to try to make you feel more comfortable. If you like charm you get it on all the time. Its completely independent of faithfulness.

That said, I know where the comments about abusers come from. Most abusers I've known have been especially charming. Here's the trick girls. If he's an abuser he's set you up as a target and will focus it one you. Its deliberate. If he's naturally charming he'll spread it around because its who he is. The paradox is that the latter guy is the one you want and the latter guy is the one you won't accept because of your fear and insecurity.

BTW, I wouldn't be in the least bothered if a girl briefly flirted openly and unabashedly with a waiter while I was on a date. It seems like a way to get good service to me... :) There's people who would accept it, maybe even enjoy observing it, and people who'd be insecure. They happen to be of both sexes.

(BTW, you thought a guy who came up with "my name is dog" was charming?)
 vivienne3
Joined: 4/25/2005
Msg: 52
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/2/2007 3:31:15 PM
After the date I took issue with one thing. He had a car seat I hadn't noticed before in his SUV. "It is my niece's " he said. HELLO, I'M NOT BUYING.


I drove around with a car seat in my car for years. I have no children but often went to visit my sister who does have them. Clients would get in my car and ask about my children and I would tell them I had none. They may have thought that they were now in a confined space with a very strange woman but they never leapt out of the car. I would have asked some questions regarding the man's family before jumping to conclusions.


BTW, I wouldn't be in the least bothered if a girl briefly flirted openly and unabashedly with a waiter while I was on a date. It seems like a way to get good service to me... :)


dontmakecookies you sound like my kind of man. There are only two types of people who enjoy being flirted with, men and women. I would rather be with someone who flirted with the waiter than scowled at him. But just like everything else in life, you have to know where to draw the line, even with flirting.
 dontmakecookies
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 53
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He's Fan-freaking tastic! Why can't i get over that he's a Charmer?
Posted: 10/2/2007 4:34:22 PM
Thanks Viv, and you seem like my kinda gal.
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