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 missmew59
Joined: 9/6/2007
Msg: 27
The illusion of online datingPage 2 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
hi, i am new to onlinedating and new to the province of BC,I am also almost 60 yrs young.I have just left a nice home with landscaped gardens and a lrg pond beautiful
property/ with hot tub 450 ft deck lrg enough to hold 60-100 people to dance/ brand new 2007 car and a hot man why ? why ? why ?

simple not happy..the man was not a communicator, after the initial meeting dating/
flowers /gifts/ dinners/ compliments ,yada ,yada, yada.

3 months down the road it started to tail off less of this less of that and what did i do wrong feelings started to emerge( by the way this was both sides spoiling each other not one sided)he actually was a very cheap person the kind who leaves the waitress
a dollar for a tip.
6 months down the road by this time we are living together( not good)(actualy stupid)

by the time we had been together for 18 months i realized we had very little in common
but he is now buying me the earth moon and stars to keep me as he new i would be leaving soon....i loved him very much ( pure emotion) I told him i was leaving soon
not happy with life with him...no afection shown bad tempered/ bad attitude/ glass half full...all that stuff and i never did anything right no matter how hard i tryed.

whew !! that was exhausting with my emotions drained and feeling like a wet dishrag
i packed up only my personal belongings. and booked a flight to vacouver to begin
again. aweek befor a left i told him i was going...he went into a state of absolute shock
broke down and cryed like a baby begging me not to leave him....now i was in a state of shock as i never expected this reaction./i thought he hated me as he never said anything nice to me,allways made me feel inferior....
he is a very good man basically he works very hard never looks at another woman
loves to dance will give the shirt off of his back for you.....but will not give you any part of him emotionally in the bed or out..

now is this the story of a miss match internet dating or is it a story of non comunication??

classic story i think.!!
my message is simple yes you may think you have found that mr/mrs wonderful
but take it easy and do discuss all of your dreams/wants desires/expectations/
and anything that may be concerning you, before making any commitment.
take a look at the family too ( a long look) the way a person is raised has a lot to do with how they turn out as an adult and deal with adult matters.....

online dating is like going to a flea market and looking over people's cast offs .
thats what most of us are...the good news is you can find some real treasures out there if you know what to look for and do your homework//one persons trash is anothers treasure......you be the treasure and find your complimentary piece that just fits nice in your life....

cheers!! to all of you happy hunters...may you find your treasure here on pof

missmew59 xoxo
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 28
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 12:21:49 PM
Nick, you post using the same style on every thread.. You already said this topic was done before, so go to another one. It's also annoying to take apart every thread sentence by sentence and insert your cute comment. . It's rather boring to sit there and read it, so I skip past it. Why don't you start a thread so I can tell you it has been done before, and then contradict every sentence. No original thoughts of your own?


And Sassie.. Lets say a some god sends down a woman to me. He puts her in front of me, and says she is the one for me. I would feel extremely grateful.

Then the next day, he gives me a thousand more to choose from. All I have to do is point, and I can meet her, and possibly have her. All of a sudden, my mindset has changed. I would have been very happy, but now I will continue my search since it has become so easy.

If you feel the internet is the best way, by all means join as many dating sites as you can, and go on as many dates as you can. I wish you luck. We all have opposing views, and you are entitled to yours.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 29
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 12:43:45 PM
Great post... It does totally alter one's mindset when it comes to dating, when Internet matchmaking sites are their main source. Women have tons of opportunities and a nice looking gal will get loads of attention. Regardless of direct flattery she may feel, it will still affect her if she's human.

With guys, I don't think a guy can meet a gal of any type any day. The ratio of guys-to-girls is off-kilter. Guys are in much more competition, and since guys are more willing to "go online" than women are, women not only have more men, but they have more nice looking guys who aren't ego-protective as women are to "go online". I think this becomes less of an issue if one lives in a metropolis, but as far as regular cities or towns are concerned, the dating scene's expectations change -- and you're right -- too many people put pressure on themselves due to options laid out in front of them.

As far as meeting a gal at a grocery store -- that's something a lot of people don't have the gonads to do. Too many people rely on friends-of-friends and such to meet other people... it almost acts as a verification process and at the same time more comfortable in approaching since it's not a "cold approach" like at a bar, grocery store, or book store.

Regardless, I think people need to realize that online is merely an option -- not a main watering hole.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 30
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 12:50:00 PM

I look at my friends that have never used internet dating. They meet a girl, ask her out, and usually at that point, more times than not, they become a LTR. My friends ARE NOT 6 ft 3, rich, models, etc. They are regular guys. The women they date long term are excellent catches compared to the average selection of women online. It is simple. They enjoy each other, and are happy to have met. They don't think in terms of a scientific, technological profile they have to meet to better their lives. Or how they can click a mouse and Cindy Crawford is waiting to meet them. Perhaps it isn't SUPPOSED to be that easy to have that much dating variety.. Its why Scott Baio is 45 and single.


Just goes to prove one can't believe everything they read, or see. Baio is actually in a relationship, she's pregnant and they're allegedly getting married...and he's been with since before filming his 'reality show'. Many people online also don't think in complicated terms about meeting someone from here. To many, including myself, it's just one more avenue to meet new people...and just like any other avenue, you'll meet some you like and some you don't. BTW, not having met all of the women online, how do you know your friends dates are excellent catches compared to us? And, if you believe that, then why are you online looking?


Read my last post. By deeper connection, I mean just that. You see a woman. You feel an attraction. You talk to her. Ask her out. You are very excited she said yes to seeing you, or even gave you her number! You might be a bit nervous. She is also. You think of her in anticipation until your date. Wonder what she is thinking. Wonder when to call. Plan something. Most likely, she is feeling the same. In between that time, most likely both parties are not talking to several other potential mates. When you agree to go on a date, it is more meaningful.


Actually, I believe that two people who have the same beliefs in what's important to them - morals, values, certain goals, good communication, etc. - have what I consider to be a deep connection. I don't feel that having a deeper connection with someone the anticipation of seeing them, but that *because* you have a deeper connection , you're happily anticipating seeing them. Not all men or women online are 'juggling' several people, or always looking for the next best thing...and those who are doing that become very easy to spot.
 Chrysostom
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 31
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:01:34 PM
I found your post a bit long-winded (but I can't completely say I'm innocent of doing that myself on occasion! ) but immensely enjooyable. Online dating is problematic for several reasons, women's selectivity being a big one. I might comment back on this thread later.

What I really want to focus on is:


<div class="quote">I find it interesting that people I have met from cultures that have arranged marriages are openly very happy

Statistically, I have heard, an arranged marriage in America just as likely to succeed as a typical one resulting from courtship and dating. I'm having a little trouble digging up a credible source, but let's operate on the assumption that it's true for a moment.
It makes using a matchmaker the rational choice, even on an emotional level, by sparing yourself the financial, time, and psychological resources squandered on an increasingly neurotic dating ritual. It screens out several bad candidates (yes, some there will be some sheep in wolves' clothing, but as even the stupid hour-long signup survey on eHarmony shows, self-fulfulling prophecy about the effectiveness of a dating service is a pretty powerful factor) and can dispassionately arrange for the most passionate coupling by a trained professional.

What more can I say? (Lots. Just now now.) Most all of us are here because we could use some help, many of us chronically in need. Why not do something different?
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 32
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:04:12 PM
Prolibertate,

The tv show was called Scott Baio is 45 and single. I watched it. He never settled down because he had so many options. That was the entire premise of the show. Now he has a girlfriend who is pregnant.

I have yet to meet a woman who met hundreds of men in real life, went on dates with them, and "just couldn't find the one" On the internet it is not too rare..

I do think being in your 50's, or having several children would be a different dating scene. If the internet is working for you, stick to it. I have found most people to conclude the exact opposite, as well as scientific studies that a previous poster alluded to.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 33
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:21:58 PM
Loyal T, read through the other threads.

Almost none would exist if everyone was reporting happy success stories.

We all try things, and draw conclusions. I posted my views to see if others might concur. Judging from my emails on this thread, I would have to say that most people do.

Obviously, if I never tried, I would not be able to draw a conclusion.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 34
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:32:41 PM
Loyal T,

If you are in an arranged marriage, and agree to it, you are not forcing anything. You relinquish control, and your mindset allows you to love the other person. They are another human being, not a scientific, technological creation. One you give up control, and trying to force something, perhaps other avenues of your body and mind open up, and allow you to love the other person unconditionally.


That is an different culture, and much different than being set up with a friend of a friend.
 Paradoxx
Joined: 7/2/2005
Msg: 35
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 5:40:03 PM
The OP has a point. Well, several even.

Positive thinking and attitude dosen't hurt, but looking for someone to love "right off the shelf " echos our ultimate consumerist attitude. Does life imitate Walmart?

Heh...can you tell I'm in the "take a break mode"?
 Theonly1!
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 36
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/28/2007 6:38:46 PM
Well... it depends...

If you meet someone you really like all the other become way less interesting.
 coca2
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 37
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 12:32:15 PM
To the OP.. Are you still dating that woman from the store? You state that you are seeking dating. At times the internet does and doesn't work. I have met my ex b/fs in the past face to face...and the end result was at times the same as the internet.
'
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 38
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 1:24:56 PM
No, I am not dating the woman from the store.

My entire point was NOT that if you meet someone in public it assuredly , absolutely and positively leads to THE ONE partner for the rest of your life. But it more often than not, at least for me, leads to a monogamous relationship. Maybe I am very intuitive.

Online, even if there is a connection that 2% of the time, I sense the people are holding back, things don't completely make sense,are hiding things, they have walls up, are seeing others, are afraid of commitment, are overly eager for commitment, etc. The natural flow seems to be upset for whatever reason.

It could be that a lot of people online are shy in real life, or as they say, never have time to leave there house except for work. It could be a lot of people online are actually cheating on someone as it is so easy, without telling you. So, online dating is good for them. I do not fit into those categories, so I cant really see someone being interesting that is always working, too tired to go out, never goes out, has 6 kids, or has no friends, hobbies,etc. If you don't have time to leave your home, how do you have time for a relationship?
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 40
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:07:59 PM

.) Most all of us are here because we could use some help, many of us chronically in need. Why not do something different?


Exactly. I tired "real life" dating...or looking for for it anyway...lol..for 8 years..hmmmm...why not try a different avenue?

My experience is that meeting people randomly is a BIG crap shoot, I am social, I go lots of places, but I have never had a complete stranger in an everyday situation come up and ask me out. My work is inappropriate, because the men I meet there are in crises already. One thing about online dating, because people can read a profile that tells most basics...if there is something they don't care for?...They don't contact...Easier and less painful than real life.
 Pharista
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 41
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:11:53 PM
I think I'm pretty intuitive online too...may take a little longer to intuit past the filters, but I get there.
My mom thinks all the men online must be losers, rejects, "something wrong with them", etc. But what I tell her is: If I'm online, surely there are some like me online too (nice people)...
 danishbleu1
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 42
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:21:28 PM
I have been on this site for a little over 4 months, and yes it was quite exciting to have all these men email me, the dinners, the dates were all very exciting. I do have to agree that because they came in such of abundance of emails, I am guilty of looking for that one just a little taller, handsome, more like me, etc, etc and men are guilty of that as well.

The emails now have died down, so have the dates...no longer looking for Long Term but have switched to Friends. (Which i have made a lot of (male & female).

I guess what I am trying to say here is that sometimes that perfect one is right in front of you (and yes no one is 100% perfect), but we manage to let them slip away. So guys/gals take a long look at that one who is in front of you...she/he may just be the perfect one for you. I know I let a couple get away...P.S. won't let the next one get away that's for sure...lol

This is a GREAT SITE, lots of Parties/Events to go to and meet new people...JUST LOVE IT.
 freebird22
Joined: 9/30/2006
Msg: 43
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:36:04 PM
the online dating thing has faded after one year on here. It has enlightened me... I've met men who have done nothing but on line dating, and as stated above in other posts, some live on various dating sites. I get invites from friends on here to join othere sites... I don't have the time. I spend so much time on the computer at work that i don't like to even check my email ... I enjoy the forums. Only one of the men i've met on here is a true friend and has been for almost a year. The guy just doesn't want to get caught. he hides behind this screen. Won't even meet the ladies. I've had friends contact me and ask why he won't respond to their emails. I've given up trying to hook him up with my friends. I believe some people just aren't ever going to let the brick wall down enough to trust again. Especially after being hurt so badly.

I think I've become the same way. My brick wall stands tall. I feel safe behind the internet. No one can get in, unless I choose to invite them in to my world. I only share my private email or cell with my friends.

I don't want to put down this site as i have made good friends here. But I do not cling to it thinking I'm going to meet the love of my life either.

NEXT ~~~~~
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 44
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:44:06 PM
Well Bones,

You make soe extremely valid points.

It does seem sad that one person may find someone that is say a 7, and that 7 is still fishing for a 10.

I know someone that says they want that love at first sight experience again, mind you I laugh because they had a marriage of 16 yrs of hell, but hey he got the LAFS.

I am interested however about these women that get 300 e mails... Dang, they must be some extremely hot hunies that are doing something to attract the bees... Ummm sorry, I mean men.

Internet dating is just another way of meeting Bones, good bad or other. I don't think it is any better than meeting a mate at a bar, or any worse.

Does it happen for people...I think so, however serendipity were to happen, I think it would be just as welcomed.

Dating is tough at past the age of 30, people get set in their ways, they get bitter, they think they are above the average. Such is life....
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 45
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 2:51:05 PM
stoney1, your comparison of online dating and fast food is right on for a lot of people on dating sites. I recently had an experience with someone I have been corresponding with for a few weeks. We were planning to meet in person, but in a conversation topic that came up while chatting, I found out he had contacted other women after me...they were interested, and he did not know if he wanted to meet them. I told him that it would be best that we did not meet until he knew what he wanted. The guy obviously didn't really know what he was looking for. I don't set myself up to get hurt, and in this kind of situation, someone always ends up getting hurt. I had a feeling if I met him, I would really like him and become attached to him. If a man wants to " shop," I don't waste my time with him. I know what I am looking for and what I am not, so when a man comes along who has the qualities I am looking for, I don't need to shop around to know if he has potential.
 danishbleu1
Joined: 5/6/2007
Msg: 47
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 3:12:50 PM
I want to start by saying i am a widow (after 26 years of a wonderful marriage), self employed, work from home and don't drink (so do not go to bars), so at 57 where does one go to look for someone special.?? PRETTY SCARY..having to start 'dating' again.

I have been on this site for a little over 4 months, and yes it was quite exciting to have all these men email me (WOW), dinners, dates were all very exciting. I do have to agree that because they came in such an abundance of emails, I am guilty of looking for that one just a little taller, handsome, more like me, etc, etc, etc. (i guess men are quilty of that as well)

The emails now have died down, so have the dates, no longer looking for Long Term but have switched it to friends. (which because of this site, have made a lot of, male & female.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that sometimes that PERFECT one is right in front of you (and yes no one is 100% perfect), but we manage to let them slip away. So guys/gals, take a long look at the one who is in front of you...she/he may just be the perfect one for you. I know I have let a couple SLIP away....P.S> won't let the next one get away, that's for sure.....lol

THIS IS A GREAT SITE, LOTS OF Parties/Events/Get Togethers, to go and meet new people....JUST LOVE IT
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 49
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 3:48:01 PM
Msg 61...you don't actually believe reality shows are real, do you? lol...Baio has been with his current girlfriend, the pregnant one, since 2006...a little Google search would have told you that.

If you looked at the Pew studies, you'd see that online dating has worked our for a good number of people. And I don't know anyone who has time to go out with 'hundreds' of people...unless they don't have any life at all.

http://www.boxxet.com/Pamela_Anderson/Scott_Baio_Tried_to_Trick_Us.11t0fg.d

http://www.whosdatedwho.com/celebrities/people/dating/scott-baio.htm

http://www.eonline.com/gossip/awful/index.jsp?uuid=82e90422-1da0-4780-844f-8dc36c9b5148&sid=fd-awful

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2007/07/scott-baio-and-renee-sloan-are-dating-and-expecting/

http://celebritypregnancy.com/2007/07/17/oopsscott-baio-girlfriend-renee-sloan-expecting/
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 50
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 4:20:42 PM
Proilibertate,

Why do you keep arguing about a tv show? The show is called Scott Baio is 45 and single. He is 45, and he is single. Single as in NOT MARRIED! Most people understand how the word is used in the title of the show. I guess some people do not, and chalk it up to a media conspiracy. The entire show was about how he is afraid to get married, because he enjoys being, whats the word????? Oh SINGLE! I told you I watched the show, and fully understand the concept.

And actually the first episode of the TV show told me that he had a girlfriend, so I didn't need to use Google to look up a reality show. Come to think of it every episode mentioned his girlfriend. The show was amusing. But I am not about to Google and read about Scott Baio, lol.

If you want to talk further about Scott Baio, email me.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 51
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 5:41:45 PM
Ok, this is the irony I see.

Through evolution, we have acquired all the necessary tools to attract a mate. As a small example, if a woman simply smiles at you, a man's brain sees her as more attractive. She can be a 6, but we see her as a 8. The smile makes us interested. In my opinion, our basic, natural, ingrained instincts help us select a mate rather easily. Many studies also conclude people pick a mate based on the smell of their pheremones, subconsciously.

When we break everything down, and put it in words, our likes, dislikes, wants in a partner, etc, it is repelling many extremely suitable partners, and in reality we don't even know what we want. When you meet someone with the intention of looking for things, people are not themselves, or at least I am not. If I meet a woman for coffee off the internet, we are only presenting our good side, or what we perceive they want us to be. To me, that is fake. Just likes reading everyones online profile in which everyone is athletic, happy, a genius, caring,honest, loving etc etc. Is that real?

So, I suppose it depends on what we are here for. In my view, people exist to procreate, partner up, and have the warmth of a person to sleep with , confide in, guide, trust etc. Hugs actually make people more healthy. Semen is a natural anti-depressant for women when absorbed through the walls of the uterus, just as 2 examples..

If this is the goal, then I do not understand the concept of "finding someone better", which the internet seems to facilitate, if not encourage greatly. It encourages us to be alone.

As I said in a previous post, I have had several Indian customers that were married through an arranged marriage. I spoke to them. I can tell their smiles were not faked, and I could tell their children were well balanced and happy. They usually did very well in school, and had a healthy home life. At the very least, I do not believe their lives were any less happy on average than people who pick a mate. Yes, this does not allow people to pick and choose freely on their instincts. However, it accomplishes the more important aspect of giving people human day to day, night after night, companionship, togetherness, belonging, love etc.

The above is an extreme, and I am not pushing for arranged marriages. But it makes me think that our "mindset" is the most important thing in finding happiness with a partner. Not trying to find someone better, or having to have the same likes, or thinking there is one perfect person for us. There are hundreds of millions of people that could make us happy if that was our mindset. However, we seem to be approaching the opposite mindset. Nobody can make us happy, only one specific perfect person.

I think the internet takes us away from our true happiness in that it gives us the ability to occupy our time all alone, while at the same time giving us the illusion that we are not all alone, even though we sleep alone, eat alone, and take on life on our own.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 52
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 5:43:19 PM
bones...the next time make your posts a little clearer...I responded based on what you posted. And single in the context of the show to me mean not seriously dating anyone either. If I'm exclusive with someone, I don't consider myself single in the same context as I do when I'm not dating anyone. It's all in how one uses words and their definition of them...and many words have several definitions. I haven't seen the show and have no desire to; it's interesting that you watched it, though ;)
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 53
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 5:54:40 PM
Well damn, I only get 25 emails a day.
I might be getting emails, but very rarely are they of any quality.
When I go out with a guy from here - there MAY BE 30 others I COULD meet, but none that I will. I'm not the kind of girl that'll go out with anyone who emails me just to seem busy or popular. So, when a guy comes along on this site and I want to go out with him, he is the only one, there's no other waiting in the wings. And most times I end up meeting the guys that I email first!!!
I have better luck in person than I do here anyway.
 BlahGrim
Joined: 1/29/2004
Msg: 54
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/29/2007 6:18:50 PM
I have to agree with the OP. I've noticed this in the past and pretty well given up on the idea of online dating. I think the only reason I still entertain it is because a friend of mine met his current wife online.

Another issue is the "stalker" effect. People are extremely apprehensive about meeting people from the internet as opposed to someone they start talking to at a bookstore, cafe or bar.
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