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 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 55
The illusion of online datingPage 3 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
I also read many posts on here inquiring "do people actually meet", or "why didnt he/she show up?"

It seems the ones that want to meet, meet many people. Some say they want to meet, and cancel, don't show, or keep delaying.

Many also use the excuse "I work all the time, and can never go out, so online dating is good". Then you read their profile and they enjoy hiking, camping, traveling, parties, beaches, etc. Why aren't people honest and say they work, come home, and do nothing. It doesn't paint the exciting picture they are trying to present? Are they kidding themselves? Why would a guy want to date a woman that never has time to step out of the house or is too tired? If you cant go out, and have no time, how can you go on a date?
 ________
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 56
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 5:48:38 AM
I think everything you say is fundamentally true. The extent of interest -- 3 or 300 emails would largely depend on the demographics of the region -- but arranged marriages which a common in other cultures seem to produce better results and web profiles are never a match for the power of serendipity. If you are looking for someone to email or chat with, then web dating is at its best.
 LadyPeaceShine
Joined: 6/18/2006
Msg: 58
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 7:18:09 AM
It's kind of like the illusion of pornography. . . "I'd rather have a paper doll to call my own than have a fickle-minded real live girl". . . as far as long term relationships and computer dating, how can there be any statistics? Computer dating hasn't been a long term thing. Yes, I love the serendipty thing, but, I'm not going to find anyone at the bar. . . I don't drink. I'm not going to date anyone I work with, that's just trouble waiting to happen. I may not meet anyone at home on my computer either, but I HAVE met some very nice people (men and women, both) whose company I enjoy and whose opinion I have come to value. It would be great if I met a single guy at one of my son's football games. . . you know, there watching his son play football, and who knows, it could happen. Anything could happen. I don't discount this venue as a possiblity. I'm looking for someone who can see the humor and wonder in all situations. You just never know. Best of luck to all of you.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 59
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 7:19:28 AM
Well from what I read, people believe internet dating is good for people who have no time, prefer to be at home, feel they are older so no place to go out, etc. Do they really have no time? Or do they prefer not to make time because the internet is there?

I can see this point, to an extent. As I said, my father who never used the internet became widowed and went ballroom dancing in his 60's. This gave him real, personal contact. And since people do not go out every night of the week at his age, the people going to select from were much more serious and realistic in finding a companion. He went to a dance, met a woman, and has been with her for 10 years.

I do feel if he was very internet savy, the chances are most likely that he would be very distracted from what he had found, and substitute human warmth, for the more shallow thrills of the internet dating scene.

It is my personal view, and from my experience, that most people enjoy the chatting and anticipation aspect of the internet, more than actually being with another human.

So when you meet someone from this medium, there is a great chance that they are more into the internet itself, and become comfortable being alone with internet company, than they are into actually being with another person.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 60
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 8:19:53 AM
Nick,

All of our actions are formed on past experiences. We form generalizations. Not many people encounter a new situation with a completely brand new slate in their mind. Its called learning, evolving, growing, building on past experiences. If you do the same thing over and over, and expect a different result, your crazy. I am hypothesizing, and seeing what others think, so that I can learn more.

I never implied anyone is a nerd or geek, but if you feel that way about yourself, I understand. I haven't even used those words in years. If I wanted to imply that, I would have no problem simply typing that.

And if there was an either/or in an extreme example, I would rather have an arranged marriage, a steady flow of sex, companionship, and build a life and family having stability, than sitting behind a computer alone and meeting lots and lots of new people who get off on meeting more new people instead of getting to know one.

Mentally and physically, I believe an arranged marriage would fill more needs and wants, than being alone behind a computer.
 coca2
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 61
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 8:46:34 AM
What if your arranged partner was someone you couldn't stand? I had blind dates.. all were nightmares. I took dance lessons..never met anyone. Took archery, skating, single parties... no one. If you are meant to meet someone no matter how the reason it will happen. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't.I would need to meet my so called arranged partner before marriage
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 62
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 1:31:46 PM
For thousands of years, people have paired up, and had a family. It is the easiest thing to do.

We have free choice, and many options. People think they meet the "right one" according to their criteria, but most get divorced, others are unhappy and stay married, and some are happy.

Now with the internet, we have even more choice. Ladies, if you are overweight, have children, are not the prettiest, what makes you think a stranger is going to for some reason simply just love you, and give you a chance when he can click a mouse and find someone more appealing? If you don't get to know a guy in the real world, and develop something, why would a complete stranger settle for you with thousands of choices? Maybe instead of having the mindset that you are perfect as you are, and someone should accept you, you should be improving yourself to find a mate in real life.

The only emails I receive are from women who are obese, or have a bunch of kids, and are expecting a single in shape guy to just accept them and love them, because thats who they are. Never have a received one email from a sane, child free woman, that lived near me, in my age group, that is not obese.

Most people on here are contacting people out of their league in the real world. Others are serial daters. Some are cheaters. Some have no time to leave the house.

Typically people who seek a relationship,find one. Those who do not sit on the internet and date each other. Of course there are some exceptions...
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 63
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 2:36:06 PM
Dazza, there are many other threads you can read. I have read the ones you started, and being dumped stories are boring to me. To each his own.

I am just hypothesizing , thinking, and trying to learn about what others really think. I thought thats what the forums are for.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 65
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 2:55:53 PM

Ladies, if you are overweight, have children, are not the prettiest, what makes you think a stranger is going to for some reason simply just love you, and give you a chance when he can click a mouse and find someone more appealing? If you don't get to know a guy in the real world, and develop something, why would a complete stranger settle for you with thousands of choices? Maybe instead of having the mindset that you are perfect as you are, and someone should accept you, you should be improving yourself to find a mate in real life.


Excuse me..maybe overweight you can fix, (and I'm not going there with this particular poster), but what do you except a woman with children, or someone who is not naturally pretty to do to "improve themselves"?

And I suppose you think you are perfect?..And thus, should attract other perfect women?

What arrogance.
 coca2
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 66
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 3:16:33 PM
"typically those who seek a relationship find one"...Reeaalllyy!!!! If that were true I bet most of us wouldn't be here. That's like saying if you want to hit the lottery you will...
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 67
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 4:08:38 PM
Sorry I didn't read all the previous posts to this thread but would it really change anything if I did? No----this thread is so very similar to so many others I'm suprised it wasn't deleted being redundant.

I wonder if these same questions and feelings didn't arise when the telephone was first made available to the general public? It seems foolish to blame or even cite the internet as being even partially responsible for the changes some think have become normal everyday life occurrences. If there were any validity to this assumption wouldn't singles bars have been greatly reduced in numbers? If a woman who's a 7 is suddenly an internet superstar or the cyber equivalent of Heidi Klum (I'd prefer Catherine Zeta-Jones Douglas myself) couldn't she simply stop going out in public altogether yet still catch that Mr Perfect from the comfort of her computer desk?

I don't get it----------before computers I had no problem getting dates or going out which would often allow me to meet and get acquainted with someone. After gauging how things were we'd either continue or end it without much drama. When online dating or meeting became popular I had no problem doing the same thing---just like before to mixed results.

There are some women here on over 300 peoples Favorites lists but yet they're still here online and available---what does that say? The 1% of POF's entire membership that posts to the forums don't seem to think they're internet superstars and most still find the same things here as in real life. It's too bad so many either don't remember the "old days" when all these not-so-good people existed in real life but yet were still represented in about the same percentages as they are online. Liars, cheaters, relationship or commitment phobes were invented long before the internet. The ONLY thing being online allows any of us to do is greatly expand our range of contact. Even so, the same rules apply now as they did back in the old days: be smart, be honest and be careful. It works for me and I'm far from being all that smart to begin with!
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 68
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 5:55:50 PM
Raychass and zangi,

My apologies. I just used weight as an example. For men it is height, money, looks,not being funny enough, career, weight, etc. Most men fall into one of those categories of online inadequateness. For women it is usually weight and looks, instead of height, career, etc.

Since online makes choosing easy,and in a relatively cold, scientific, way, if a short guy, or obese man or woman is compared to 10000 other available people, what would make the previous 2 people be chosen over everyone else? Absolutely nothing.

In real life,you might work with someone that gets to know you, you might conduct yourself a certain way someone likes, you might talk a certain way, you might have friends that have a friend that is interested in you, you might join a group with like minded individuals that admire your talents, and to those people, you will be special.

But once you are just a picture with stats, and on a screen with a seemingly endless supply of choices, most likely most of us are either over looked, or quickly judged. If we are chosen, and it is mutual, usually at least one of the 2 parties has the "i can do better" mentality.

When choices are fewer we easily learn to love the one we are with, and can be completely happy and fulfilled. . When choices are many, we love the search of finding someone more than actually being with someone.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 69
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 6:23:21 PM

For men it is height, money, looks,not being funny enough, career, weight, etc. Most men fall into one of those categories of online inadequateness. For women it is usually weight and looks, instead of height, career, etc.


Bones:

I actually agree with you there. There are so many choices, that a lot of people, discard people, that in real life?..They might actually be attracted to. I also think that for the majority of us, we have some "deal breaker", that is for many of the people we would like to get to know.

Slightly off topic: As for the weight thing, I admit to being a little sensitive on this subject. But, what I have noticed on these forums, is that some men seem to be so angry about it.
Most men don't like overweight women. Got that. No big revelation there. I've known it since I hit puberty and became a member of this group. I know my appeal is limited. I can live with that. It's not like I've had trouble attracting men all my life. Even pretty attractive men.

What I don't get..some men seem to be yelling/abrading me for it. I'm like..ok, you aren't attracted to big women. Can't control what you are attracted to. Fine, don't talk to them, don't date them, don't contact them..but stop lecturing, bashing them. What do you (general) care? It's not your problem?..I wonder if some don't either feel guilty because they don't..or some personal experience where they really liked someone..except that they were overweight. I thought of starting a thread, but I understand it's been done and done. Though maybe not by that perspective.

Anyway, thanks for the apology....
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 70
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 9/30/2007 6:55:30 PM
zangie, about the weight thing...have you ever noticed that many men who complain about a woman being overweight are not in the best shape themselves? And then there are the overweight men thinking they will be attractive to the slim, model types. Is this bashing just something men do or have any men experienced this from women?
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 72
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:38:05 AM
Nick Cosmopolite, I agree with what you said. I like to connect with someone on an intellectual level and get to know something about them before deciding whether to meet in person or not. I don't find many on dating sites who like to do that. Most want to meet in person before knowing anything about me. Many write little or nothing about themselves on the profiles, so you can't tell anything from that. It does require people to be open and honest. I wish that was the norm rather than the exception on dating sites.
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 73
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 3:40:08 AM

The crucial point is being IMO missed. IRL dates/meets, chemistry focuses too much on appearances, on the web people have the CHANCE (some use it, some do not) to intellectually connect with someone else via exchanges of thoughts, etc. So when/if they meet, they know that they are meeting someone who they "know" already in terms of their inside. But that requires that those people are honest and open and not afraid to express their inner world, not in describing their height or weight, but what they THINK. The web is best suited for people who like to think and connect with other likeminded people, IMO and IME. Not for simple chat, chat, chat. That is best done indeed at a coffee shop!


Quoting a VERY cute young woman on the recent CBS program "Big Brother 8": Boooyah Nick!!! This is EXACTLY what I've found via the internet and have used it to weed out many, many women who've pretended to be something they simply are not. I use Yahoo's IM system if/when someone expresses an interest in me or appears the same to me. It's very easy to quickly tell aspects of their personality simply in the way they share themselves that way. So far I've not been incorrect in determining whether someone is a good fit for me by just chatting there. I don't check for spelling or grammar or such rather I look for patterns and something disturbing that would be problematic for me. Something in a profile as simple as "recently out of LTR........" can be further discovered to be they've been online for a week or less-------NOT a good indication they're all that ready to date or anything else---not for me anyway.

I've found the internet to not only expand the areas I can communciate with but it's extremely useful in this weeding out process. I don't see it as the least bit impersonal but it is a lot more expedient in determining those things that beforehand took so much more time to discover especially if someone was intent on hiding it for whatever reasons. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong------
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 74
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 4:42:31 AM
I believe in theory what many of you express was the intended usage of internet dating. A way to get to know someone, then go an a date, and have an increased chance of chemistry.

I have no doubts that this works a small percentage of the time.

I feel it is putting the cart before the horse. Because as soon as you meet that person from online, within 2 minutes both parties can tell if they have any interest or not. Some people chat for months, then realize within seconds the other is not what they are looking for. All the while, life is flying by, and you just spent quite a bit of it getting to know someone you actually have no interest in.

Should we know everything about someone before we meet them? I think part of the traditional dating process involved some sense of mystery, in that they more slowly unravel themselves to you, and since you have an initial real life chemistry, you are taking your time to get to know them. In a way, it is part of the excitement.

It has been my experience that likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc, are not nearly as important as real life chemistry. I fell in love with someone who LOVED country music, someone who had a different religion, a sister of a friend I might have otherwise past by, etc. Do we know what is truly important when searching online?



And crimiariver, I agree . What if mens height was listed as "average or tall".
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 75
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 1:22:13 PM
Ok, thread 151 is a perfect example of my point..
As thread 151 stated, she gets 200 emails a day, and enjoys the "confidence boost" it gives her. That is an illusion if I ever saw one.. She is the online superstar...She equates people liking her, to people sending an email...

I can only speak for myself, but I believe most single men my age are seeking something similar.

A single, slender or height/weight proportionate woman with no children,withing my age range, 25-35, that is moderately pleasant to look at. Drug free. This is a regular healthy, run of the mill human. You seem hundreds in public everyday, everywhere.

So, when seeking a woman of that type online, you maybe have a small percentage to choose from online.. And what happens when you do email them? Well, as 151 said, she gets 200 emails a day so wont read it...And she is a BBW. Imagine the women that are slender, or athletic?? No offense, but most men seek a slender woman for a relationship.. Please, I do not want to start a weight thread, just illustrating a point.. Similar to a short guy...

The only emails I received from women of the above type asked what type of business I own.. When they have not heard of the business name, I never heard from them again. One even told me she was hoping it was something she knew, as she might have struck it rich...
As if I was going to say amazon.com., home depot, or mindspring..


Many other women in the above category, have told me they have heard many rich, famous, and powerful men use the internet incognito, and they have the hopes of landing one of them.. Another illusion...

And once again, we are not talking about supermodels.. Just regular normal women. 95% of the time, women the common man wouldn't give a second look to. But online, they have great illusions that everyone wants them, simply because they seem to be a little more desirable than the rest of the ONLINE pool.

And the same illusion exists for other types. Women who are older, have several kids, very out of physical shape, thinking they will land the attractive, single,tall professional man because they get emails. I have the utmost confidence that you would find something more meaningful in real life, and if you don't, well then improve yourself and make yourself more interesting.

So, online many single men do meet one of the women in the above paragraph, see them randomly, maybe become intimate, and then move on to the next, until they come across a suitable mate in real life..
 rescuebiker
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 77
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 6:16:23 PM
Jewelescent, I agree wit you also. He has got a great point here. Wiat to you rad my post, about woman that don't show up!
Doc
 rescuebiker
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 78
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 6:35:28 PM
Raychass, you need to look at the post below yours or lookmat some of these woman's profiles. Below it tells how many favorites have saved their profile. I've seen some with 117 and even 238. So, these woman are getting alot of emails daily. I once waited for a woman's who had 110 guys, had her on their favorites. Like a fool, I waited a month for her to call. talking back and forth, now and then, with the promise of calling "SOON!" Bye the next day , after the call, it was all over.She was doing exactly what this post was about. Weeding out looking for MR. Perfect or Mr. Right. I'll let you Ladies in on a little secret. There is no Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right, and take that coming from a male, who doesn't have a Macho, ego!
I'ts like this, when you find a good one, you better hold on to them. Pass them up and Mr. Perfect, or Mr. Right! Might not be so! And by the time you go back, someone else will be smarter,and have taken the first, original, Good One!
 rescuebiker
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 79
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 6:49:11 PM
Pazoozoo, that is true what you said. But I, like other peop;le on here have friends. Unless you just moved into a new neighborhood, I can understand trying to finf , some friend's. But, it is like George Carlin said, They call it the Boy Scouts because it is made of of Boys. Not Boys and GIRLS!!!Another words This is a DATING SITE, not a find a friend site. And the other thing that bothers me, is the person, Female/Male that says the want a long term relationship and it is either with several people, or not at all. There's the email/friend, Hangout-and I read the Post on that one. Everyone wanted to know What the hell was hang out. I used to Hangout, with my friend's when I was a teenager, This is a dating site, Where most people are trying to find eventually there significant other, soulmate or partner-for Life.And the one I love is "Dating" Yeaah, let's see how many guys I can suck in to buying flowers drinks, gold and even drugs. And expensive presents. And meanwhile the other guys that are doing the same we eventually get this. I'm sorry "It Just Happened" if they get caught! Or the Your a Real nice guy but, I like so, and so, Better. Thereare alot of players on here, both male and female. Wait until you see my post on "The woman who stand you up!"
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 80
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:10:25 PM

.And the one I love is "Dating" Yeaah, let's see how many guys I can suck in to buying flowers drinks, gold and even drugs. And expensive presents


Excuse me..I have dating..and I'm not looking for someone to buy me things..I pay my own way on a first date for that matter. It says dating because I don't want to jump right into anything serious right away, that's all....Maybe I should change it, if that's what men think.
 coca2
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 82
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:56:30 PM
I have been reading the posts here.. a lot are saying it is better to meet someone not on the net. If that is true then why are they on the net???? I still believe that the illusion of online dating is the same as non on line dating.A lot of the end results are the same. And IF you do find your true LOVE.. it is just luck....;like winning the lottery!!!
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 83
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:03:51 PM

s it just a coincidence that nearly every woman who is on 100+ favorites is very attractive by nearly anybody's definition?


Ok..there aren't enough very attractive women to go around..for that matter there aren't enough very attractive men to go around..I have no scientific data..but, my guess is they are both in the minority. I'm sure there are women who feel they have no chance with some guys. I know I don't with most. However, its seems that almost all men think they do have a chance with the most attractive, or least think they should?..More women seem to be more realistic about it, at least as they get over 30 years of age. Where does that leave all the average or a little above average women?...I know everyone keeps saying there are many more men than women on here. But, it appears part of the problem is the men are all chasing the same women...and even if they do deserve "the best", there isn't enough to go around. So, it appears that only the upper 10% of the most attractive will ever find what they are looking for. Seems, fruitless and sad.
 bohnbones1
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 84
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/2/2007 4:12:23 AM
Zangie,

I never said "very attractive". I said slender or height and weight proportionate, child free, drug free, decent looking, 25-35 yrs old. That is was I believe most men seek in a mate. In real life, and online. I said a mate, not a sex partner. I live in Atlanta, and can say I see hundreds of the above type of woman everyday, and usually never see the same one twice. Online they are almost non-existent.

I did not say rich, brilliant, model, amazing body, great career, etc. Men are far more realistic , and in real life easier to please, than you think.


It is funny, because I have started asking people who email me what they think of online dating. One woman said she met and dated 2 men exclusively for an extended time. (after dozens and dozens of no connection meetings) She then made up a fake profile with words misspelled, a girl saying she was a drug user, and just wanting sex, with no picture. Both of her boyfriends from online took the bate. It made her realize.. But she is still looking online, even though her last date didn't call or show up.. She hates it, but is drawn to it.

And the above men aren't some unique players, or "bad guys". They are regular men. When you put people in a technological place like this, with the illusion and excitement of many choices, typically men will see it subconsciously as a way to spread their seed. In real life they never have women approaching them, and simply asking for sex. So if a man doesn't have great game in real life, he won't even have the chance to stray. Online they do, and it is easy. Men start to view women as sex objects even more, rather than women to develop a relationship with. Not sure how good that is for the society as a whole, especially if more people convert to online dating. Luckily, as a previous poster stated, only 3% of people have found a LTR from online dating.
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