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 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 181
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The illusion of online datingPage 5 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)

Now of course, if you are in your 50's, never approach or are approached in real life, never leave the house, have several children, or are not able to go out for other reasons, the internet can be fun.


Please tell me you aren't saying that because someone is in their fifties they aren't ever approached IRL? Or that everyone who is online, spends their whole life there? You have time to respond to this thread, and still do other things you enjoy. I am online mostly at times that if I wasn't I'd be doing something else at home, that is just as entertaining, but no less important? Forums, ( for example)for me, are intellectual engaging with a wide variety of people I could never meet, or get the chance to talk to in real life. Though the stereotypes that you mention exist, they aren't all true or all pervasive. What makes you think I don't constantly look for ways to "improve" myself, though for more my own self esteem, than what others think? Being online doesn't preclude that. Plus, I can't help but get my feathers ruffled when you imply that everyone needs to improve themselves to make them more "datable"? (seems specifically women in your case). Being happy with who you are is in itself a turn on.

I will concede that someone of your "stats" and preferences may be having trouble connecting. But, it makes me wonder if it has something to do with where you are in life, or what your expectations are. I have talked to quite a few men in your age group, over my 14 months online, and their experiences have been different. I have been on several dating sites in the past, and this is the first one where I have heard this complaint.


You make some valid points in your 14 point list. I would agree , for instance, that it has taken some of the mystery out. That there are too many choices for some people.

I agree with krimiariver that people on paper aren't a good indication of who they are, or even how attractive in the total sense, they are in person. I happen to believe that my "live" self is much more interesting, fun, and attractive than how I look on paper. Stats don't tell the real story. Even pictures don't. They don't translate well on here. But, that's why I like to meet people in person..

Also, I happen to be one of the "intellectually" minded people that Nick speaks of. A man's intellect is a much bigger turn on for me than most other factors. I've found more "hot" men intellectually on these fora, than on the general dating medium. Most don't even have pictures, so, it's not about how they look. Now, even so, I understand you have to meet in person to see if it clicks. But, the lure is there, none the less.

Internet dating is neither the end all, be all, nor the only option. It has its flaws, but so does real life. Maybe it is what you make of it.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 183
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:38:56 PM

Livelovelaugh, how is Ohio? I grew up in Parma..


Gee..all three of us are from Ohio?..lol
 A-New-Beginning
Joined: 9/5/2007
Msg: 184
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:58:30 PM
This is a great post you make a lot of good points in it, but you do not take into account the other side of human nature. I'll give you the short hand of it, the same women you mentioned in your post keeps dating and she keeps passing up good guys, then she goes through a slew of bad guys, creeps, jerks and whatever else this causes her to actually change her taste in men and causes her to appreciate a good man when she sees one. She gets burned out dating one bum after the next wanting to give up until finally she finds a good man, and she appreciates him for whom he is. My friend I want to be that good man.

Theres a second lesson to be learned from this for both guys and girls for the ladies learn to appreciate and recognize a good man when you see him and give it a chance, and men never give up. Don't try to become someone you are not just to catch the girl, be you and hopefully the right one will come along.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 185
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/14/2007 11:27:43 AM

Zangie, have you attended any of the POF parties in Brunswick?


Didn't know anything about them. I like Halloween parties too.
 1flippantsob
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 186
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 10/14/2007 8:06:08 PM

OK...this was interesting. There are scientists predicting...in 2030-plus...ROBOT marriages will be on the docket!!!


This is great!!! Finally a woman you don't have to blow up!!! Yippeee....
 rory27
Joined: 2/14/2005
Msg: 187
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 11/10/2007 6:08:04 PM
gardennut in msg 16:


JustJanice, I disagree with your post.

I met my partner a year ago through this site. We would NEVER have been connected if not for online dating, as we live in different towns. Never would our paths have crossed


I could've written this post word-for-word (except it's a half-year rather than a year).

I was sceptical of meeting anyone for an LTR through any electronic medium since the whole introductory stage is bass-ackwards. I agree with the OP in this regard; in "real life", we see each other first, then immediately talk if there is a physical spark or curiosity. The whole process is much more relaxed and natural and real. The infamous "alternate computer personality and image" is much harder to maintain.


At the same time, I had always used POF as just one alternative amongst many. Too many people seem to have a black/white, either/or mindset when it comes to different dating approaches. But during the time I was available on POF, I still dated "in real life", still had a few shorter relationships (with my profile reflecting this when applicable, and while still posting), and at all times just viewed POF as one possible way to greet and meet women.

I met my love through fave lists/forums, and we exchanged about two emails, and one or two short phone calls before meeting (and since she's a fair distance from me, we could have dragged the "virtual" approach along). In this way, we didn't have the preconceived, built-up hopes and expectations and other-assumptions that an online scenario often involves: it was simply a no-expectations casual date, which went very well.

Bottom line: if distance isn't an issue, meet right away, and after one or a few short exchanges. Relieve the pressure: no one's "important" in your dating life until you've actually ..... uh, dated.

As to the "smorgasbord mentality": it plays to those who need constant attention, and isn't a fault of internet dating, but of the insecurities amongst certain people who use it. In real life dating, those same people do and will keep many on a hook, as well.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 188
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The illusion of online dating
Posted: 11/10/2007 6:24:14 PM

Bottom line: if distance isn't an issue, meet right away


Yea..sigh..if only someone could explain to me how to get someone to actually do that?
 CoytusMaximus
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 189
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 1/1/2008 1:35:49 PM

I agree, it is easy to get caught up in the "smorgasbord" effect. Online, you can look at profiles and pick and choose based on your list of "must haves" vs "dealbreakers". It becomes real easy to pass by profile after profile for the slightest of superficial reasons...too old...too young...too tall...too short...too fat...too thin. In the real world, however, you might meet someone who is far from the "ideal" that you think you are looking to find, and be completely smitten.


Brilliant post of the year. A person is so much more than just a spec sheet.

In the real world you are free to approach and use your power of persuasion (if you have any), charm, humor . .. etc on a man/woman who wouldn't give you the time of day online. In that respect the real world is more 'equal opportunity'.
 BethesdaBear
Joined: 1/29/2008
Msg: 190
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 2/24/2008 10:56:33 AM
Even though online / internet dating opens up a whole new way to meet somebody it still has some obvious "logistical" limitations. I had been on here a couple of weeks and was connecting with and talking with several very nice highly dateable women with alot to offer in terms of spiritual connection and personality but there is still one barrier that prevents the relation from growing any further. It's distance. The people I was meeting live several hours away and this limits the amount of contact possible. In the past, my relationships have always been local because usually the person who I have hit it off with .. we both usually spend alot of time with each other. There is nothing nicer than one calls the other and says.. hey.. why don't you come over tonight ? Call me old-fashioned but this is what I am accustomed to and how I saw my parent's generation date. To me it seems the only way. To have a long distance romance seems completely unappetizing to me and it is one reason I am no longer in "dating" mode in my profile. I am waiting to meet that next door neighbor, a friend's introduction, grocery store encounter, church member, etc. I notice that I do 100% better on face to face introductions than "pic" introductions on online dating anyway. Maybe its part of that mindset here on POF -- sure your photo looks great but I'm looking for exceptional !!
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 193
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:17:04 PM
I don't think you'll find the love of your life online.
But I do think you can find someone to love the rest of your life online.

One is illusionary.
The other more realistic.

This medium doesn't replace the old school methods of how people date and mate.
Just makes it easier to say hello to a broader range of folks.
(and either annoy em or wow em depending on what you bring or put into it)

We still have to eventually show up in person and take our chance.
And do the dance.

That's how it's always been.
 enfpman
Joined: 9/24/2007
Msg: 194
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 3/6/2008 11:53:25 PM
Oh, I dunno. The experience of online dating is as real as I want it to be. Times change, and this form of meeting someone will be commonplace before long. In fact, if I go to a gathering of people these days, it's unusual to find someone between the ages of 25-50 who has not had some experience of it.

It's real, in my opinion. I've met some beautiful people through it, and my life has been enriched because of online dating sites, but not solely because of it. It helps to keep the proper perspective and remember it all really begins with a real person in front of you.
 Scutellaria
Joined: 6/29/2013
Msg: 195
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 12:59:35 AM
A very nice piece Bohnbones. I'm a middle-aged man who has been on dating sites for almost 3 years. I've had a couple of affairs, a lot of 1/2/3-date wonders, a lot of ridiculous conversations with illiterates, sycophants, psychos, and a few normal women here and there. Your take is absolutely spot on. Online dating actually keeps you behind a keyboard whereas a trip to the local cafe, library, supermarket, thrift store, or church would be far more natural.

Online, people behave in ways that they would NEVER behave in real life. An example: On another dating site I was having an IM-style chat with a woman. She flattered my ego over two one-hour chat sessions. Then she utterly disappeared. Now think about that same woman meeting a guy in her home town buttering him up over, say, coffee in a couple of one-hour meetings. Supposed she then snubbed him on subsequent sightings as if he didn't exist. In real life this woman would get a terrible reputation very, very quickly and be regarded as disturbed. On the Internet, however, people take advantage of the anonymity of the Internet to play these hide-and-seek types of adolescent games that would never be tolerated in polite, non-cyber society.

What makes this amusing is that I'm actually a success story in the sense that I have no problems getting dates or getting women to respond to emails. However, I am now "date weary" because people can hide more info until the Nth date when you have had no previous community exposure to them. So I've had all these dates with women who are flat broke, have "children" near 30 living with them, jobless, quasi-illiterate, and so on. If I lived in the same community with them over years I'd have no trouble identifying these things over a short period of time but online ... people hide stuff very well until they see some interest and then "leak" info out slowly.

I am right at the point where I've had the same revelation as you i.e., that the QUANTITY of available women (or available men for women) is illusory but it takes a HUGE amount of driving, spending, and emotional investment to arrive at the prosaic conclusion that you'd have been better off having FEWER contacts of HIGHER quality than dozens of contacts with an unnatural fit. That's why the free sites like this at least remove the "expense" part of the equation. Not one of the pay sites produces better outcomes than the free ones. Of course, that "freeness" itself is an illusion. Nothing is REALLY "free".
 Scutellaria
Joined: 6/29/2013
Msg: 196
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 1:08:56 AM
Czilag,

That "love and romance" thing ain't working out too well in postmodern Amerika. Divorce rates are now way above 60% and in California, try 75%. If Americans met their friends after work at bistros like Europeans we might form friendships first instead of the seemingly infinite search for the right "checklist" on a dating site. Instead, we live in sterile suburbs where people only leave their houses to go to Big Box stores and return to look at a TV screen, an Xbox screen, or SOME kind of screen.

The "freedom" to pick one's mate only works in enlightened human beings. Most people abuse their freedom by choosing people to whom they are sexually vulnerable due to their mental pathologies. My joke about dating sites is that it's a huge agglomeration of people looking for their next divorce. Of course, epiphanies can always happen but they are soooo rare.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 197
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 7:04:28 AM
New poster to an 8 yr old thread;
If you are so dissatisfied with your O.L.D experiences, and dating in general, then push it down your list of priorities and start finding other valid things to do with your life. While it shouldn't be the primary intent of taking a class, volunteering, mentoring, getting involved in a cause you care about, it will return you to settings where you can learn about a person BEFORE dating,which I agree with you screens out SOME reasons for disappointment.

I don't care how "enlightened" it may or may not be, I have no interest in forming a relationship with someone I have no physical/sexual attraction to.

If you have such a big concern about the high divorce rate, quit dating to find your next divorce.
Enjoy the experiences you have.
If you are a mature adult, think about finding a non-marital/non-cohabiting relationship where your stability will not be threatened by the other parties debt/adult children at home/ unemployment/whatever.
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 198
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 8:43:21 AM
Scuttel, I hear ya.

I suppose I'm supposed to feel lucky to get 'dates'. Yeah, the quantity doesn't assure anything. I've even stopped searching and still have a full inbox.

I'm of the opinion that online dating is nothing more then flings and false lightning strikes. The pursuit of love results in a bunch of mini divorces. Pursuing something in the short term (snickering) is more healthy emotionally.

I've therefore lowered my expectations of finding a long term monogamous relationship, or any 'labelled arrangement' for that matter.

It only takes me a few minutes of conversation to determine I'm capable of being a friend first. I'll invest more emotionally later rather then early on:)

Seeking a companion for committed 'adult time' while we briefly suspend our baggage at the front door and enjoy some reckless and respectful moments without breaking the piggy bank.

Rant over:)
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 199
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 9:47:06 AM
People definitely act different online than in real life. Case in point-penis photos and guys posing in the mirror with their pants pulled down so low you can almost see their pubic hair. If you were a guy at a party or out in public and you saw a woman you wanted to talk to, would you go over and pull your pants down in front of her before you've even said the first word to one another? If you would-how do you think that would go over with her?

Yet online, we now see this as normal, and laughable-but still, we expect it. It's all part of the mix. Pull your pants down and show women your d*ck before you even talk to her. Online people do and say whatever they want, this is the grand experiment of "no consequences* and this is what you get-millions of people acting out like out of control children, lying, screwing with people then running away, taking off their clothes in appropriately, behaving like self centered little animals. It's fascinating to watch. It's amazing how fast and how willing people are to exploit and damage one another.

Civilization is such a thin, thin veil. If the internet has taught me anything, it's how primitive and self serving humans really are, under the facade.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 200
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 10:11:35 AM

People definitely act different online than in real life. Case in point-penis photos and guys posing in the mirror with their pants pulled down so low you can almost see their pubic hair.

Yet online, we now see this as normal, and laughable-but still, we expect it. It's all part of the mix. Pull your pants down and show women your d*ck before you even talk to her. Online people do and say whatever they want, this is the grand experiment of "no consequences* and this is what you get-millions of people acting out like out of control children, lying, screwing with people then running away, taking off their clothes in appropriately, behaving like self centered little animals. It's fascinating to watch. It's amazing how fast and how willing people are to exploit and damage one another.

Civilization is such a thin, thin veil. If the internet has taught me anything, it's how primitive and self serving humans really are, under the facade.


Do you think that we are seeing online a part of the same person as IRL.

Meaning the guy that does the penis pic might appear to be a nice guy IRL, but get to know him for a while in a LTR and his nasty side will show up.

IMO it's all really IRL. Meaning we see different aspects of a person online and IRL. If a person behaves self centered online then they will eventually behave self centered IRL. They just mask their undesirable traits better IRL.

I believe this, so I think online is a great way to eliminate people I would never want to get to know better.

Do you believe the jerk online might be able to pretend to be a nice guy IRL, but sooner or later the inner jerk will show itself?

The only surprising thing might be there are so many undesirable people.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 201
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 10:25:34 AM
Interesting point, VK.
Take that back to what Scuttelaria said, about how a woman who had a couple of conversations(over coffee) with a guy then ceased contact would get "a terrible reputation". Really? Women must remain friendly/continue contact with every guy who has approached her in real life or she will get "a terrible reputation"?

I would be more inclined to think that if a lady IRL began "snubbing", or being distantly polite to a guy, people would presume that he had done something to offend her, thus her coldness to him. Anyway that's what I've observed.
Now, were a guy to approach a woman IRL,and expose himself, he'd get a terrible reputation amd maybe even a sex-offender conviction. (Or maybe the woman would just laugh at him and tell him to put that silly little thing away.)

I have to admit I have not personally experienced the behavior of people online to be as bad as what VK has experienced. But I have often stated that internet dating sites are a freakin' GIFT to those of dishonest, unethical or underhanded intent.
Cindy O
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 202
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 10:40:18 AM
^^^ Yep, I completely agree. A gift to predators.

Obviously, what someone does online is just an extension of what they WOULD do in real life-if they could get away with it. Clearly, some men out there think the way to attract women is to drop their pants. It's all over Craygslist. In fact the "personals" is almost exclusively penis pics now.

Online as I said is just a huge experiment with what would happen if there were no consequences to our actions. The hostility level is certainly higher online, we can all see it on forums and comment sections under articles where everything turns into a name calling fight, within seconds. Remove social constraints, mainly eye to eye contact, and people begin threatening one another, degrading and bashing, name calling, and on other sites literally exposing themselves-penis photos and seriously..some of the photos I see of young girls on THIS site, more sexed up than escort ads. So many young ladies now look like hookers, stuffing their butts and t*ts into the camera.

Online is warping everyone's sense of reality. We've split life neatly into two parts, which would be a field day for Freud- our day to day "real life" which now seems to be simply a fueling stop for online content. We use real life to gather "friends" and to "like" things. Everything we do is somehow plugged into feeding the machine of online. We photograph everything we do instead of actually experiencing it fully-post it, and wait eagerly for our trained minions to praise and say "I'm so jealous!"

Haha. We've forgotten how to be genuine and live a genuine life.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 203
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 11:06:54 AM

and wait eagerly for our trained minions to praise and say "I'm so jealous!"

OK, I admit to having a cellphone with a camera, and a Facebook page. But most things I do I'm too busy experiencing, so I don't have time to post it.
And I don't HAVE any minions, trained or otherwise. Is there a site where I can order more time to post things, and some minions? Is it posible to get them already trained or would I have to do that myself.
( I know a little bit about training dogs and men, and a lot about training horses-but I wouldn't have a CLUE about training a minion. )
LOL.
Seriously I do get some of what you are saying, but thus far I don't think I've very often been accused of being "not genuine"-regardless of the setting.
I guess the other question I would have is whether "illusion" is the right word, or whether "DElusion" would be more apt. Especially all these guys having the delusion that anybody actually wants to see a picture of their penis.
Cindy O
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 204
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 11:16:59 AM
I'm referring to the more extreme examples of how people get lost in the world of online and living a virtual life instead of a real one, relaying on an "audience of friends" for recognition, praise, etc. Most of us can moderate ourselves, but it's clear a good number don't, or won't..and take advantage of the artificial stage created with social media. The comment was not directed at you, it was an observation about certain behaviors that have become not just prevalent-but *acceptable* regardless of their anti social nature.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 205
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 11:23:04 AM

Remove social constraints, mainly eye to eye contact, and people begin threatening one another, degrading and bashing, name calling, and on other sites literally exposing themselves-penis photos and seriously..some of the photos I see of young girls on THIS site, more sexed up than escort ads. So many young ladies now look like hookers, stuffing their butts and t*ts into the camera.



Online is warping everyone's sense of reality.



the penis pic might appear to be a nice guy IRL, but get to know him for a while in a LTR and his nasty side will show up.
If a person behaves self centered online then they will eventually behave self centered IRL. They just mask their undesirable traits better IRL.


I tend to agree here with Dragonbits, even though what VK has said is very true. The thing is, that exposure allows you to determine what you may want to filter out of your interest and do so rather quickly. For instance, for my lifestyle, if I saw a woman that was still into clubs, with photos in yachts, coming out of Masseratties and that she loves to travel, yet she is a secretary, and indicates that likes a man that knows what he wants and uses some of the other euphemism to say "loaded," I know I am not going to waste my time there.

Perhaps what many people fail to do is understand that all those nasty things that people post on their Online profile are actually a blessing, for they allow you to cut to the chase, filter OFF all the ones that don't do it for you and concentrate on the ones that you feel are not only attractive to you, but have a sense of lifestyle that may fit yours.

It's so interesting because you can have a person that says they love the outdoors, but all their pictures are of them decked out, at a bar, so you can see through the bu ll. Then see another person, and they are in a forest, or meditating, or muddy after doing a race so you know that in their case they meant it.

So, my point is, that I actually like the excessiveness of online because in a way it filters through and shows more of what that person may be all about. And from my experience, 7 out of 10 times, it has been correct. While in real life, the persona that they portray first, very reserved, is right maybe 3 out of 10 times.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 206
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 11:37:02 AM
I agree- the only thing is, you are also going to be subject to people "on their very best behavior"-to the point of lying, to get what they want. So you also have to be wary of imposters taking advantage of the "upfront sales pitch" via dating profile.

It was that alone that made me stop dating online, time and again I would get together with someone who was *not* as advertised, guys saying they wanted a relationship, who were actually one night stand types with an STD, guys who turned out to be 10 years older then what they stated, guys who were married, said they were single.

Sure, it's easy to lie in real life too..but there is something about setting up a profile online that has a sense of distance about it. Like somehow, because I am not looking you in the eye, lying upfront is OK, and we'll just deal with it all later. I'll tell you everything you want to hear, become everything you want, whatever it is, that's me. Now can I get into your pants?

It's just my opinion that you're going to get a larger percentage of this nonsense online. It seems to attract this sort of thing-deception.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 207
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/16/2014 12:52:46 PM

It was that alone that made me stop dating online, time and again I would get together with someone who was *not* as advertised, guys saying they wanted a relationship, who were actually one night stand types with an STD, guys who turned out to be 10 years older then what they stated, guys who were married, said they were single.

Sure, it's easy to lie in real life too..but there is something about setting up a profile online that has a sense of distance about it. Like somehow, because I am not looking you in the eye, lying upfront is OK, and we'll just deal with it all later. I'll tell you everything you want to hear, become everything you want, whatever it is, that's me. Now can I get into your pants?

It's just my opinion that you're going to get a larger percentage of this nonsense online. It seems to attract this sort of thing-deception.


So in the time you did O.L.D, did you get much of a feel for who was likely to be a flake?

For me, I would assume anyone with relatives living in a place like Nigeria was some kind of scam, any young women talking sex were never going to meet, anyone that is a 35 year old track star is going to be a fake at some level.

I know the mantra is to meet quickly, noting is real till you meet.

But I don't buy that, many of the fakes are real and they match the pictures in their profile, it doesn't mean they aren't hit it and run or married or have STDs. Nothing magical about meeting in real life, you just eliminate the obvious fakes that were never going to meet in the first place.

Can't you weed out some flakes by asking for a video chat when you feel like you need it, or a phone number you can call at various times. It's hard for someone that is married to answer the phone at times he should be home, and video eliminates those that don't match their pics. You don't always have to cam, but it does reveal a lot about the person, what's in the background of their picture, if they want to do sexy cam stuff.

Online one can be anything, but if one is a 70 year old man pretending to be a 30 year old woman, it doesn't take much effort to blow up that charade.

Did you attempt some of that stuff to weed out profiles after a MSG or two? You might lose a few honest people, but weed out a big number of fakes. I don't think it takes up a lot of time as long as you aren't focusing on only one contact at a time.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 208
The illusion of online dating
Posted: 7/17/2014 9:58:57 AM
Some men see it as the illusion of easy....hmmm.....lmao
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